Strong? That still remains to be seen
I decided to come back on here as a whim, but also for some closure I think. I ran when things got tough and scary, but ive forgiven myself for that. I had to protect myself and distance myself from the things that once aided in my healing to reopening wounds that were very much already open. I regret though, because with running I lost the some of those who I would call my closest friends. I think I am finally healing, things have been rough still but because I remain standing through all of the pain thrown my way, those who have caused my pain are starting to fall. I wouldn't call what I am doing strong, though those supporting me continue to use that. I am weak, infallible and human. That human part is the most important, because I am finally seeing that which I couldn't see before. So yes, I cry, I refuse to sleep out of fear sometimes, I run from those who try to help, I lash out at myself and i feel defeated most of the time, but one thing is certain; I am still trying despite how hard the road gets.i dont know what the purpose of starting this diary is and i probably wont write often, but I think I needed to just put out in the universe, that no matter how dark the road gets, nothing has broken me and at this point in time, nothing will break me, because I'm imperfectly human and will continue to fight
Awesome, and I'm so proud of you for sharing
@calmLake1999
I need to understand something because I'm so lost. I have no clue how relationships are supposed to work but am I supposed to feel like I'm second best or that I'm only worth the effort when there is something involved for him. Like when I put boundaries up am I supposed to feel like I'm wrong or abnormal or broken for putting them up? I'm so confused cause I really like this guy but I dont think he likes me the way I do him.. maybe I ventured to early into the world of dating. I don't know
I am the broken girl,
With a million tears,
I am the quiet girl,
With so many fears.
I have anxiety and issues,
I have nightmares and memories.
I breakdown easily,
And cry far too much..
I have insecurities that trigger..
And make me feel stuck..
I have thoughts placed in my head,
That tell me I'm better off dead..
I have low self esteem,
That make me seem weak..
I have a vulnerability,
And fragile sense of self..
I easily could break,
And get buried in the dirt..
But amongst this I want to see..
That I am just me..
I also have boundaries,
That need to be respected,
I have compassion and love,
And unusual sense of humour..
I have a dark bleak view of myself
But I also see the light in others,
And want nothing more than to help..
I may be all the weak things,
That some may see..
I am also all the strong things,
That those who care want me to believe..
If you think of the beautiful fauna..
That is only grown in tough environments..
I am and will be more than my trauma
I don't know if writing the poem helped or not.. just a lot of confusion and hurt feelings I guess right now.. but in saying that I will probably get through it, I may have retreated a little but that's fine because I'm doing what I can and making choices that seem good for me at this moment in time.. I think I will "adult" and face things next week
Hi Wize, I'm just posting to you cause im so unsure about posting a song but i kinda want to but also my voice is pretty awful right now lol.. and i also feel weird posting cause ive been gone from the trauma community for a long time now... but i kinda wanna share even if just for you lol
I'm horrified how feelings for a guy can just turn your boundaries into non existent, I'm not strong enough to hold my boundaries. I guess I keep expecting things to be different, I keep expecting it to go back to the nice it was in the beginning but it's not and I feel so used and hurt by myself as well because I am not strong enough to hold firm in my belief that I am worth more. I think he knows that too, he knows with just a word he can change my mind and I hate that. I hate the feeling I'm left with after he leaves, he leaves as soon as he gets what he wants anyway. And i can look at it objectively when he's not around or texting but as soon as he does then my feelings get in the way of me being clear and firm. I want to go back to not ever wanting to even attempt dating.
Finally some much needed alone time.. I can figure out the next steps from here I think. Once I get a new car I think I'm going to go for a super long drive and a hike. I havent done any full on road trips since my accident because it's not been the same without my little red car I had lol.. I got over sentimental and ended up hating the car I bought as a temporary(partially think that's why it broke lol) but the next car I'll love, I know that for sure because I'm gonna be picky this time.. anywho I was gonna put one of my sketches in here to remind myself also that I have greater value than he tells me I do. I am not a great artist or anything but I'm sorta semi ok and that's ok with me. I gotta remember that I have dealt with men worse than him and he won't get the chance to take anymore of my power away. I can't let myself fall in this trap not when I fought so hard to get out of the mindset I was brought up in, the environment. I fought to get out of my mum's grasp so I'm not falling into another hurtful persons grasp! I'll add the sketch underneath
