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Scattered Thoughts

ThePizza August 11th, 2019

Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.

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ThePizza OP January 13th, 2020

Does anyone in my offline life fcking hear me or am I just that uninteresting, unimportant, annoying???

4 replies
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ThePizza OP January 17th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Thought Id answer here—

At the moment Im feeling pretty cheerful actually, someone said something really nice to me yesterday, but also Im just

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJHH

Because I have finals next week. Well, at least I have a three day weekend to do it, no school Monday OH WAIT I have a swim meet the entire weekend including Monday… so thats contributing to the ahhhh factor. Oh and I can feel myself getting sick so, not good

1 reply
mytwistedsoul January 17th, 2020

@ThePizza Lol! I'm glad you're feeling cheerful. Wow - you definitely have a full plate! That has to be hard dealing with. So you get a three day weekend and have to work twice as hard.

Man oh man M. Finals and a three day swim meet. Plus getting sick. I know this is probably - well - IDk - I hope you're able to find som time to rest and just do things for you. Even if that doing something - is doing nothing. Just alittle down time for you.

Take care of yourself M - I worry about you. So much pressure on you - I wish you had more time to just - be.

Be gentle - yeah? With yourself and your thoughts

1 reply
ThePizza OP January 18th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Except for a few days here and there I've had a little more success lately with that-- having gentle thoughts-- so yay. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay for me to (sounds weird but yeah)

Me too-- well, I get some days off of school pretty soon, since we don't have to come the days when classes that we didn't take have finals. I'm definitely looking forward to that

And I found some new books, yay

1 reply
dworth257 January 18th, 2020

@ThePizza what books ! I'm a big reader. :)

1 reply
ThePizza OP January 18th, 2020

@dworth257

Awesome me too! Haha I just realized, book series not books lol

The Skinjacker Trilogy by Neal Shusterman (first one is called Everlost)

Maximum Ride by James Patterson (first one is called The Angel Experiment; Im in the middle of the series)

1 reply
dworth257 January 25th, 2020

@ThePizza i read the angel experiment ! I don't remember too much about it but i think i liked it. nice nice :)

1 reply
ThePizza OP February 6th, 2020

@dworth257

Hey sorry I didn't see this before

How are you?

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ThePizza OP January 21st, 2020

No no no no no no no no too much too embarrassing bad timing wrong person can't deal with this---

Shit too late to put up the sheilds AHHH no no no I screwed up

Curse this technology

Where's the x button at the top when you actually need it? Oh wait OFFLINE ugh

2 replies
mytwistedsoul January 21st, 2020

@ThePizza Hey M - How did the swim meet go? All ready for finals?

Um - not sure what was going on last night but curse this technology was alittle funny - sorry if it wasn't meant to be. I'm sorry to for what ever wasn't going right for you that caused the embarrassment.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

1 reply
ThePizza OP January 22nd, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Swim meet was pretty good overall-- added some, dropped some. Halfway done with finals, but looking forward to being completely done lol

Thank you--- wasn't meant to be funny originally but hey, it was funny to me too when I read this so :)

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ThePizza OP January 25th, 2020

Chlorine by twenty one pilots--- So where are you? It's been a little while

I'm unhappy

6 replies
mytwistedsoul January 25th, 2020

@ThePizza The beat is the chemical

5 replies
ThePizza OP January 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Felt I was invincible you wrapped around my head

Now different lives i lead

4 replies
mytwistedsoul January 25th, 2020

@ThePizza My body lives on lead. The last two lines may read incorrect until said.

Hey M? May I ask why you're tucking your words into toolboxes? Is it sort of the same trouble I was having or - Idk - don't want to or can't - sorry. Whatever your reasons - I hope you find the words again.

I hope you were able to have some down time while you had off. Times for some tunes and a good book. I just started The Trials of Apollo. The book before - Blood of Olympus - the little table Buford - lol! And the swearing Pegasus -

3 replies
ThePizza OP January 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Sometimes I think words can belong in toolboxes because— you shape things with them, circumstances, feelings, opinions… so many things are affected by words. And I think it would be nice to have a new combination, a new toolbox, because what I have now just isnt working anymore. But I think it does also relate to what youre saying. I cant— well I just cant, haha. I cant get a grip

I want to build better things with my words

So much doubt and second guessing you know? It seemed like it went well but then— you analyze it and maybe it didnt. Over analyze but by then you cant stop yourself

I guess there is a little blockage after all– like you said, for every one thing spoken about theres ten others kept hidden

Lol! Buford sure is great isnt he? Im glad youre enjoying these— oh boy welcome to the ride that is Trials of Apollo

We all need a swearing Pegasus

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ThePizza OP January 25th, 2020

If words are tools then I need another toolbox

physalisBerries72 January 26th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Here is a poem you might likeheart

My twisted soul keeps twisting tight

Twist to my left then I twist right

Looking for answers all day n all night

Im ready to battle, im ready to fight

Honors my sheild n wisdoms my knife

Cannot be beat down cause this is my life!

ThePizza OP January 26th, 2020

I feel physically sick and severely depressed— boo yah. Still in bed

I cant burden other people with my shit. Not when they have their own. Not when they dont even bat an eye at my pathetic attempts to open up. They just dont get it— dont understand that me complaining about something small bothering me is a way to judge their reaction, so I can decide whether or not to hit them with the big stuff— is that, manipulative of me? I dont know

1 reply
January 28th, 2020

@ThePizza

Hi Mere, I agree with Jess! I don't think there is any manipulation there. You are being cautious. Trust must be earned...

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ThePizza OP January 26th, 2020

Commitments are the bane of my existence

ThePizza OP January 30th, 2020

@NoneTheWiser @admaiorasemper

Thank you 💙 This helps

ThePizza OP January 30th, 2020

TW in case

Why is there such a desperate need to be wanted? Dont need others to survive. To live, maybe… not to survive. Or at least, shouldnt need them this deeply. Too dependent. Up and down, crashing all around. Disgusting. Be civil but dont attach— attaching leads to problems— pain. Control yourself. Mental discipline. Write your motto here— what a silly question. No motto. Mantra, perhaps, though ever shifting, but no motto. Heh, motto— whats a motto with me? Everything

3 replies
mytwistedsoul January 30th, 2020

@ThePizza Hey hi :)

I think that with feeling wanted comes the feeling of being accepted. That sense of belonging some where. You may not need others to live or survive but it would be a lonely existence and so many people would miss the chance to get to know such am amazing person. It's not really living or surviving if you shut everyone out or keep them at arms length. It is hard to know who you can trust and who you can be open with. It's not as easy to speak our minds face to face with people.

I really enjoy reading your thoughts Pizza. You have a wonderfully deep mind for a teenager. It's always nice to see you share them here.

1 reply
ThePizza OP January 31st, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Hey thank you Logan-- what you wrote is helpful, and a good summary too I think. :)

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