Scattered Thoughts

@ThePizza

Undercover pizza rat

How are you M?

Ew, my toxic mother is trying to worm her way back into my life. I'm putting my foot down one last time before I take it away completely. Never seen a grown woman so needy before while "not" understanding why she is kept at a distance to begin with. It is truly sad, disturbing, and disappointing. This is how she tries to stay engaged with me and in my life, like a soul-sucking parasite. I often wonder what I did in a past life to deserve these parents, and I'm not religious at all. I feel sometimes it's a sign I wasn't meant to be born, like I'm being punished by the universe for cheating death as a preemie. Seriously, my mother's neediness is the most bizarre shit as she literally blames me for my father's abuse towards me and she wonders why I want nothing to do with her... I don't know whether to laugh at the ignorance or shake my head at her attempts to play dumb, or both.

No school this whole week or the next due to the virus. They might end up extending it too, who knows. USA Swimming banned all meets until April 30th or something like that. Practice this week for me has been optional, and lots of other changes have been made to make it a little more safe. I went Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we decided the rest of the week I wouldnt go because my parents saw a credible news report stating that a study in China found some kids who had gotten the virus and recovered sustained something like 20% loss of lung capacity— since I have asthma and already take medication to have a normal capacity we figured it was time for me to stay home. Because they cant guarantee that all kids have access to the internet, were not doing online schooling or getting any graded assignments. Teachers can choose to give us practice things to do I think. So while there are some assignments I can/have been working on, theyre definitely less urgent, and I have a lot more time to do them. Also, now that Im not doing swimming the rest of this week, I dont really have any obligations, other than chores. Been reading a little, been painting. Went on a bike ride/walk with a friend on Sunday at a nearby park. It was really nice— good weather, spending time with a friend I dont get to talk to much anymore. Plus she invited me to do this and that gave me a little boost of oh-hey-my-friends-actually-do-like-me. Still not feeling great though. Had the first appointment with my new counselor on Monday— it was alright. As of now I like my old one better but its only been one appointment so. Been having a real hard time sleeping. For about three nights in a row Id wake up halfway through the night and not be able to fall asleep for another couple hours. I dont know what it is about nighttime that can make me feel so— pained. Thoughts racing, mentally not feeling too great, almost but not quite physical pain in the chest, just light enough to make me wonder if Im also imagining it. Maybe its more of a weight. Guess now that anxiety has calmed down depression is settling in. I guess its a bit of a nice change, ha. My energy has been sapped out of me. All day I feel tired and on the verge of falling asleep but I cant actually sleep— I always feel too keyed up during the day to nap— the need to feel on guard or something— I say that because often I cant stand the feeling of people doing stuff while I sleep. I have to open my eyes if I hear someone near me to make sure theyre not deliberately approaching me. Then for some reason there are other times I can have my eyes closed and feel safe no problem. Maybe it depends on who Im with. Ive been having a hard time coming here— well actually no Ive been coming here but words have been an issue. I stare at posts, sometimes even able to think of replies but nothing wants to come out. Feeling sorta silent watchfulness. I think this has gotten pretty long though so I guess the words arent stuck anymore? Finally spilled out I guess. I didnt originally call it a dumping grounds for nothing, lol, though sometimes I think the title Scattered Thoughts would be more appropriate. Understanding is hard to come by these days. What I mean is I have no clue what is going on in my head

confused distressed and depressed

also pretty anxious all the time (but i swear im not fragile— not in the way you think)

heck.

aspirations

Tardigrade by Cosmic Sheldrake

Sleep for some fifteen odd years, ha I wish. Then get on with living

So I made this painting a while ago. It was inspired by a day we got snow (okay my state doesnt get much but it was something) and I went out on our deck in the backyard, lying down looking at the sky. One day when I figure out how to post pictures again Ill show the painting. Basically, some tree branches with snow on them, clouds, and a little cardinal which I added for fun and wasnt part of the original scene. I half thought about giving the painting to R because reasons but decided to keep it. Anyway the reason Im talking about this is because people want to take it???? I showed it to my mom, along with other paintings Id done, and she said it was her favorite and she wanted to frame it. Okay sure, since its already a canvas dont think a frame would work properly but I could see hanging it up. But then later on she kept referring to it as hers. And we FaceTimed my grandmother one time and showed her some of my paintings, and she said something like oh that would look great on my wall! My mom nope that ones mine what? I painted it? And I actually like it and dont feel like I ruined it with some haphazard last minute detail I added, unlike the majority of my other paintings. Course I didnt say that I just laughed. Also I brought them to my room and my mom wanted my to take them out because I sleep with my bedroom door closed and she could smell the paint, doesnt want me breathing in paint fumes while Im sleeping. So earlier tonight we moved them to a different room, and when I brought this painting she said oh that ones mine bro chill I dont understand why you think you have the right to just take it like that? Not that Im being very vocal about my discomfort with the situation but still.

Also its kinda funny how the paintings she says are her favorites or she especially likes are a) That one painting that was a flop. Tried something, didnt work, improvised since paint was already on the canvas but the colors are off and I dont like it. Or b) Paintings I made with someone in mind while I was painting them. Like your favorites are the ones I completely messed up on or the ones that were inspired by another person, not the ones that were actually just me painting? Weird

Yo I am a mess okay can anyone tell me how to understand my own feelings? No? Well shoot

Cradle by Sub Urban: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FbZ73zyLcfw

Depersonalization and/or derealization I think. I could probably stare into the mirror for hours just zoning out

Think I ate moldy bread and really can't tell if my anxiety is just creeping up or if it's truly getting harder to breathe. Yikes.

Overload

Brain seems to have shut down in order to avoid extreme emotions but anguish. I feel only that and numb

For a while I thought quarantine would be fine since I can still talk to friends through technology, but I think now that not being able to see them in person is getting to me a little. Havent really talking to any but one of them consistently.

Tw?

Physical contact sometimes gets to me. Friends is fine, dont have issues there, especially since it doesnt happen too often. Family, not so much. Even when I was younger I was uncomfortable with it. Nothing happened, just— its the way I am. I kinda know why its this way for me but its not something I can explain to family or even my parents yet. They dont always respect my boundaries. Well my brother certainly doesnt. Im just patting you on the head yeah? Well Im just telling you to stop. He doesnt, most of the time. And parents dont do anything about it because hes my sibling, of course hell do that just get over it. Seriously? And my parents might put an arm around me or something and get offended if I try to shrug out of it. Just say what you were gonna say, you dont need to have a grip on me. Gotta work on assertiveness

I keep trying to piece out my current feelings because frankly, I feel like sht, but only random things are coming out lol. Still helpful in the long run but its like my brain is purposefully avoiding and stalling for some reason. I guess since I dont really know or understand how I feel now anyway