Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Does anyone in my offline life fcking hear me or am I just that uninteresting, unimportant, annoying???
@mytwistedsoul
Thought Id answer here—
At the moment Im feeling pretty cheerful actually, someone said something really nice to me yesterday, but also Im just
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJHH
Because I have finals next week. Well, at least I have a three day weekend to do it, no school Monday OH WAIT I have a swim meet the entire weekend including Monday… so thats contributing to the ahhhh factor. Oh and I can feel myself getting sick so, not good
@ThePizza Lol! I'm glad you're feeling cheerful. Wow - you definitely have a full plate! That has to be hard dealing with. So you get a three day weekend and have to work twice as hard.
Man oh man M. Finals and a three day swim meet. Plus getting sick. I know this is probably - well - IDk - I hope you're able to find som time to rest and just do things for you. Even if that doing something - is doing nothing. Just alittle down time for you.
Take care of yourself M - I worry about you. So much pressure on you - I wish you had more time to just - be.
Be gentle - yeah? With yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Except for a few days here and there I've had a little more success lately with that-- having gentle thoughts-- so yay. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay for me to (sounds weird but yeah)
Me too-- well, I get some days off of school pretty soon, since we don't have to come the days when classes that we didn't take have finals. I'm definitely looking forward to that
And I found some new books, yay
No no no no no no no no too much too embarrassing bad timing wrong person can't deal with this---
Shit too late to put up the sheilds AHHH no no no I screwed up
Curse this technology
Where's the x button at the top when you actually need it? Oh wait OFFLINE ugh
@ThePizza Hey M - How did the swim meet go? All ready for finals?
Um - not sure what was going on last night but curse this technology was alittle funny - sorry if it wasn't meant to be. I'm sorry to for what ever wasn't going right for you that caused the embarrassment.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Chlorine by twenty one pilots--- So where are you? It's been a little while
I'm unhappy
@ThePizza The beat is the chemical
@mytwistedsoul
Felt I was invincible you wrapped around my head
Now different lives i lead
@ThePizza My body lives on lead. The last two lines may read incorrect until said.
Hey M? May I ask why you're tucking your words into toolboxes? Is it sort of the same trouble I was having or - Idk - don't want to or can't - sorry. Whatever your reasons - I hope you find the words again.
I hope you were able to have some down time while you had off. Times for some tunes and a good book. I just started The Trials of Apollo. The book before - Blood of Olympus - the little table Buford - lol! And the swearing Pegasus -
@mytwistedsoul
Sometimes I think words can belong in toolboxes because— you shape things with them, circumstances, feelings, opinions… so many things are affected by words. And I think it would be nice to have a new combination, a new toolbox, because what I have now just isnt working anymore. But I think it does also relate to what youre saying. I cant— well I just cant, haha. I cant get a grip
I want to build better things with my words
So much doubt and second guessing you know? It seemed like it went well but then— you analyze it and maybe it didnt. Over analyze but by then you cant stop yourself
I guess there is a little blockage after all– like you said, for every one thing spoken about theres ten others kept hidden
Lol! Buford sure is great isnt he? Im glad youre enjoying these— oh boy welcome to the ride that is Trials of Apollo
We all need a swearing Pegasus
@ThePizza You're right words can do so much. I imagined you with a pair of scissors cutting words out of paper and putting them in a toolbox. Oh yeah - I hear you on the second guessing and doubt. Worrying if some one is going to take away the wrong things from the empire our words built. How you can feel fine about something you wrote or said at the moment but give it time and you get that feeling that maybe you said something you shouldn't have.
I think Bufords hologram of Coach Hedge is hilarious and I could definitely use some swearing Pegasus's. They really are awesome books. Poor Apollo turned into a gangly teenager.
@mytwistedsoul
Here is a poem you might like
My twisted soul keeps twisting tight
Twist to my left then I twist right
Looking for answers all day n all night
Im ready to battle, im ready to fight
Honors my sheild n wisdoms my knife
Cannot be beat down cause this is my life!
I feel physically sick and severely depressed— boo yah. Still in bed
I cant burden other people with my shit. Not when they have their own. Not when they dont even bat an eye at my pathetic attempts to open up. They just dont get it— dont understand that me complaining about something small bothering me is a way to judge their reaction, so I can decide whether or not to hit them with the big stuff— is that, manipulative of me? I dont know
@ThePizza
Hi Mere, I agree with Jess! I don't think there is any manipulation there. You are being cautious. Trust must be earned...
TW in case
Why is there such a desperate need to be wanted? Dont need others to survive. To live, maybe… not to survive. Or at least, shouldnt need them this deeply. Too dependent. Up and down, crashing all around. Disgusting. Be civil but dont attach— attaching leads to problems— pain. Control yourself. Mental discipline. Write your motto here— what a silly question. No motto. Mantra, perhaps, though ever shifting, but no motto. Heh, motto— whats a motto with me? Everything
@ThePizza Hey hi :)
I think that with feeling wanted comes the feeling of being accepted. That sense of belonging some where. You may not need others to live or survive but it would be a lonely existence and so many people would miss the chance to get to know such am amazing person. It's not really living or surviving if you shut everyone out or keep them at arms length. It is hard to know who you can trust and who you can be open with. It's not as easy to speak our minds face to face with people.
I really enjoy reading your thoughts Pizza. You have a wonderfully deep mind for a teenager. It's always nice to see you share them here.
