Pieces of the Jigsaw

One mistake and I can already see everything falling apart. Why do I keep doing these mistakes? Why do I always mess things up? I don't know why I am like this. It's so hard to see it breaking, it's so hard to feel it breaking and I am sitting clueless here rather than saving it. I never saw it coming and I don't know how I'm supposed to save it. I just don't know but I need to do something. I can't let it go. I just can't it's so damn scary to be here. It's suffocating it's just everything at once, I am so sorry I can't be a good person, I am really sorry for causing everything, I don't want it to happen but it always does. I don't know where to go and what to do, I'm so clueless

Why does it need to be damn hard? Why am I supposed to do this? What's my fault? Why am I like this I lost you but I tried not to why is it still so damn hard to accept it? I thought about it again but I never wanted to, I am so sorry for disappointing you I am sorry for being a trouble Im sorry for every single thing I did but I never thought it would end up like this. I don't know I just don't know anything it's so overwhelming and I just can't, I missed it I just missed it

I tried to talk to my friend and my feelings were ignored in seconds lol. I don't understand why people even ask what's wrong when they don't want to listen to anything further. Like you insist me to tell you, I reply in like 5 words and then you are like "woah girl you have a lot of problems Imma just ignore that and tell you to sleep" how cool is that! Like those were just 5 words I didn't even describe or said anything deep lol like imagine if I told more, you wouldn't even care to message me back and then I would feel bad for believing in someone again lol. Anyway I can't expect anything from anyone I'm used to being ignored lol.

It's a bit overwhelming to be here. I am not sure what exactly is affecting me it's just all at once. I might be overthinking about a lot of stuff. I can't even focus well on anything, it's getting very hard I can't stop myself from having some unwanted thoughts and nightmares. I feel so useless like the biggest disappointment on this planet but I can't even help myself through it. Idk I don't like myself anymore. Yesterday I went out and I felt so anxious that I had to leave the place and that made me feel terrible later. I just don't have the motivation to work stuff out but Idk I'm trying not get distracted but ugh why does it need to be so hard

🎶 I don't know what's wrong with me 🎶

Oh God I can't help but come here :( I don't know what's wrong with me I am getting affected by the smallest things. I literally had a breakdown today and couldn't help myself with it and it's making me feel terrible again. I guess it's all going to be the same again and I'll have to start everything once again and that sucks so bad because I can se it getting worse but I can't do anything I hate this so bad.

So someone asked me to reflect on the good side of what has happened and I remembered that I haven't written a single good update so here we go pawsitivity:

• Doing a bit better physically
• Didn't initiate any fight in family
• Started with work at least
• Found motivation to start working out again
• No nightmares recently
• Caught up with some of my old friends
• Listening to a more happy songs
• Planning on completing at least 2 chapters before next Sunday
• Sleeping a bit earlier than before
• Trying to eat two meals still irregular but working on it

I am shocked that I could list these many things lol but I am a bit happy at the same time well I just hope that it doesn't go wrong

I hate it I hate the start of it I hate how it ended I hate the memories I hate that feeling I hate every fucking thing I hate the world I just wanna scream loudly ughhh I hate me I don't want want to live with this BS anymore

You think I'll reply back to your message in seconds like I once used to. You think that I'll initiate the conversation after you ignored me like a thousand times. You think that I'll have something to say after you gave a dry reply to my paragraph. I know that you only come to me when you don't have anyone to talk with. I know that I give too much in a friendship but it can't always be me who holds it. I gave a lot of time I thought you needed space but I failed to notice the ignorance over the love I had but now that you have actually crossed your limit, I am leaving and don't expect me to be back.

You tell me that you care for me but this is not how you show that you care. Then when others betray you, you come back crying because you have no one left but how can you even expect me to stay when you're the one who left me alone and showed me how bad it feels? I am sorry if you are going through something I would have helped you before but I am really tired of caring for you. I have had enough and I don't want to repeat the mistakes again. I am sorry but I am done and that's it.

I can sense that everything is going to crash in front of my eyes and I'll be standing there helpless and watching the destruction with my eyes. I am so scared. On the top of that, I am feeling so insecure as if my feelings are being joked on but the good part is that the thing that has affected it is being worked on but it's still overwhelming me and I don't understand why someone would do something like that, it's just not fair. I don't want to leave the only place where it feels safe to lay out my thoughts, don't make me feel suffocated.

@Everlee Hey Everlee!

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. Understandably, you feel overwhelmed with anxiety when working on something that affects your insecurities. Everything you've written, I've experienced at some point and/or have related to. One thing that stuck to me was the "sensing everything is going to fall apart and I can't do anything about it." Mainly because it's a thought that pops up in my head a lot. A piece of advice my therapist gave me a lot was to "Observe that thought, acknowledge it, and let it go." I still don't get how to do that, but here's the closest thing I've got.

First, write everything down on a piece of paper. And when I say everything I mean every single thought, physical sensation, everything I see, e v e r y t h i n g. When I feel I can't write anything else, I try to calm down by drinking water, walking around in my room, listening to music, etc. Then I just skim over everything I wrote (don't hyper-fixate on it).
Most of the things I end up writing are only real to me. They are my thoughts and feelings, not facts. I can never be certain that everything is going to crash and burn, even if my head tells me that's what's going to happen. Sometimes, we have irrational thoughts. It's part of being human. Not every thought is true.

Last part (I know this is super long but I promise this is the last thing), I hide the piece of paper somewhere I know I won't see it every day. Somewhere I know that I don't look through every day. After that, just do whatever you like to do. Personally, I like just doing stuff that doesn't require a lot of thinking like cooking, chores, or watching a series.

I hope this helps in some way. If you need someone to talk to about anything, I'm here to help. I know it seems like bs when people keep on telling you "it gets better", but it really does.
Lots of love! -Cande

*Ps*English isn't my first language so sorry if it's not very clear :).

@persistentGlobe3657

Hello Cande, nice to meet you and I hope everything is going well for you!

First of all, thanks so much for taking time out and reading through the thread and also for reflecting on my thoughts, I greatly appreciate your insight on it. It breaks my heart to hear that you had the same experience, but how are you doing now? I believe the feeling of being helpless just shows up randomly or perhaps I should say, it doesn’t leave easily and comes back again. Thanks for the valuable suggestion too, not everyone does that and I am grateful for it. I will consider doing it as well since it sounds quite interesting and might be beneficial for me too. It’s worth a try. It is never bad to acknowledge our thoughts and actions, and by acknowledging my own I can gain a wider perspective about my own actions and thoughts as well as about what thoughts I should be paying attention to and what I can let go of.

Your generosity is outstanding, and I cannot tell you how helpful this has already proven to be. That’s like the best description I would even ask for about anything. Your efforts on writing the post are greatly appreciated. The steps you told me about and the experience you shared with me are extremely valuable to me, and I will make sure to follow them. Thank you for letting me know. The post made my day, and even though this is our first interaction, I am already convinced that you are a wonderful human being. Please let me know if you need anything at any time, I am here for you as well. I hope to see the better side. c:

And please don’t apologize for anything. Honestly, I think the things you said went straight into my head, and I doubt they are going to come out haha. Also, it is never about the language, it is always about the feeling. Thank you once again, I am grateful for you.

Much love

@Angelx28 Hello Angel, nice to meet you! How are you? 🤍

Thank you for your kind words and also for taking time to reply, your words made my day! Insecurities are never easy, I am beyond grateful to you for understanding my side that was just what I needed! :)

*Hugs*🤍

@Angelx28 Glad to hear that! :) and thank you! Here for you as well! 🤍

@Angelx28 Anytime🤍

Having a dance party because my results will be announced soon, the application for an exam is open and the tentative dates for another exams have arrived and I don't know where my books areee

Oh God why did Mr Bean freeze? (T_T)

Better now ^‿^

@Angelx28 Hehe I'm glad you loved it! And aw thank you so much! 🤍

@Angelx28 110% agree with you on that haha!

@Angelx28 So good to know that and please, I relate! Mr Bean is literally my childhood haha! I still watch him sometimes, he never fails to make me smile ^v^

@Angelx28

That is so amazing, right? And of course he did, a lot in fact! God, that man is the best with almost everything. (^~^）

@Angelx28 Agreed, hehe!

Nothing has changed, sigh-

@Angelx28 *hugs hugs* 🤍🤍

Please ignore c:

How long has it been since we had a good conversation? When was the last time you didn't try to ignore me? When was the last time you told me the truth? What was the last time you avoided being so manipulative? Wow, you really need to grow up. I'm sorry you have problems, but that doesn't mean others don't have them. You can't use me and then throw me away whenever you please, I deserve to be treated as a human too. Don't even start it if you don't want to finish it girl, sometimes it's okay but you do it every time and it hurts to know that I look like a person who doesn't deserve to know the truth and should be kept hanging. You don't want to tell, fine but at least don't treat me like I don't matter. I know that things go wrong and things happen but that gives you no right to traumatize another human and make them feel like they don't matter because yes I have been questioning if there's something wrong with me because of which I am getting this treatment. You need to treat humans like humans if you want to be treated well, I am sorry if I sound too rude but that's the anger you gave me and that has been inside me for a month. I am not going to stay for you anymore, I am done with you girl. I have had enough and I know that I don't deserve much but I also know that I don't deserve this less especially this kind of treatment from a person like you. I was patient but I am not going to deal with it now. Don't show me your face again.

I missed you my thread. c: It's been quite some time so things have been decent, not too bad not too good, I'll just list them because I have got lots of time today and today is a pretty good day!

• Was disappointed through most of the week on how people talk to me when they need me and they don't feel like I deserve to know the truth but after some thoughts, I feel like I am the one who let them do that to me, they took me for granted because I let them, so I got my answer and case was solved.
• Had an argument with mom for asking her to close the door, (basically she was leaving and she left the door open and I was studying while my dad was watching the news and I could hear the news reporters and I didn't want to miss the concept so I quickly said "Close the door" out of frustration) figured out that my tone was rude and I apologized.
• Had quite hard trying balancing my physical health but I'm feeling better now as the treatment goes on for 2 more days but no matter what, syrups should be banned they are the worstttt.
• Realized that I was getting distracted by certain things and I got rid of them temporarily to check how it goes and if that helps, I need to cover quite a bit of syllabus which is being worked on. u-u
• I went to get my work checked but I couldn't and it's been a week that I've been trying to get it checked because we need the professor's remarks before exams and this man is either busy with 30 people already in the room or he is too lazy to check or he is teaching another batch or the school is closed or this man is on leave or there is an exam or it's just Sunday and yes ALL of this happened and it was quite disappointing, hope = lost, work = not checked, exams = not passed, career = ended before starting. (T_T)
• Had a good conversation with some old friends, it's funny to blame the education system for everything even while knowing the truth but still continuing to blame because exams are disgusting. x)
• Oh and bonus, had a birthday celebration, I love decorating rooms so we did it together and it was quite fun but yes, tiring as well and I had to sleep early for 2 days because of that in return to which I couldn't study for much time but okay I needed some fun in my life after all, balloons and fairy lights are pretty and also made a playlist for the birthday person. c:
• How can I forget this one - Ordered 4 tees and returned all of them, I was so in hope of wearing one of them on the celebration but online shopping sucks sometimes. 💀
• Buttt my hairstyle for the celebration went well, I did heatless curls and thankfully, I passed the mission. xD A good hairstyle, a good outfit, some good pictures after a long time, what else does a person need? d: Oh cake it is!

I'll type down something things that I am working / need work on so that I don't forget or basically remind myself of them whenever I come here. So the things that I need to work on are:

• Being patient
• Staying away from all the distractions that I got temporarily rid off
• Not thinking about things that won't matter after sometime
• Not wasting time staring at Pinterest or YouTube
• Productivity, I need to complete the work
• Sleeping early and waking up early
• Eating twice at least and taking meds on time
• Not overworking and finding hope
• Finding motivation
• Getting my work checked
• Filling up some forms
• Not drinking cold drinks, sore throat OhMyLord

There are probably some more things that I need to work on but I'm lazy to think about them at the moment also I need quite sometime to work on all of this and um of course one thing at a time. I am somewhat afraid that things might take a negative turn because whenever something good happens, it doesn't stay for long and especially if I post something good in this thread, my next post has to be me crying about some random things which I need to let out at the moment. Hoping for the best to happen though. ^-^

Have a great week Everlee, please do!

@Everlee

ever ever ever <3 your doing sooo great. im sorry abt your struggles but the fun parts seemed fun. your awesome <3

@babydino69 Thanks Dino, so are you. Hope you have a good one! 🤍

@Everlee

Your Welcome!

@Everlee

Felt! I hope everything is going okay.

@babydino69 Things are right, just wanted to add the lyrics from "It's you" by Ali Gate, good song, right? c: How are you though?