Pieces of the Jigsaw

It came back nothing less like a nightmare and here I am questioning myself once again. Maybe I was really wrong, I could have chose to be kind to myself but I wasted a lot of time, I am still wasting my time. I don't know where this is going to take me, I see nothing. I am blank and I don't know what to do. It's such a headache but it's just a part of me now. I probably need to stop finding an escape from this and adjust myself to survive with it.

I can see it breaking right in front of me but I am helpless. Sometimes I wonder how it would be if that never happened. I wouldn't be this broken, I wouldn't have to go through all this bs. I wish I said something back then, I always knew that it wasn't right but I never said anything because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I never knew my one mistake could do this. I am so done with it but I was the one who asked for it and now that it has happened, nothing can change it. I will have to live with it I guess.

I am so much in pain. I literally wanted to cry my heart out. I wanted to message my best friends to tell them everything but I couldn't, I sat close to my mom but I couldn't do anything, I just wanted to hug her and tell her everything but I couldn't. I am so so so done with myself. I am tired of this dude, I am just so done with it I don't know what to do, I am just so damn stuck. All I can feel is pain and nothing else, I want to live, I don't want to survive this but nothing right is happening. I only see a loser in myself, I don't think I can be happy, I will have to continue faking this smile and that hurts so damn much. I am so lost in the darkness and I know that their isn't any way that I am going out of here any soon. I am tired, really very tired

I tried to talk to my friend, I ended up ranting about every single thing because it was just too much for me to handle at a time and then I felt so so bad because it felt like I ruined his whole mood. He didn't say anything much about my rant and I could sense that he was struggling this morning so I asked him about it and well, the chat became about him and I got a bit distracted from my issues then but I was still overwhelmed. My mom came to me and reassured me that things will be okay and I don't have to worry much about certain things and I was literally on the edge of breaking down and as soon as she left, I couldn't hold my tears back. It hurts so so bad that you need to care for others like anything and you don't even get a quarter of the treatment back but it's even true that everyone is going through their own struggles so I can't really keep expectations high from everyone. I just feel like a burden to my family and a huge blob of disappointment. Sometimes I think that if I ever choose to see a therapist, I am going to end up crying for an hour at least before I say anything.

I broke down in front of my parents and my brother just asked me stop overreacting and it hurts so bad. Nobody wants to understand what I am going through. I have so much pressure and I am just trying to meet everyone's expectations but I can't do that anymore. I was always so close to my mom and she really went mad and didn't want to talk to me. It hurts so so so bad that the person whom you trusted the most ended up doing something like this and breaking all your hope. I just really wonder for whom am I doing all this for if they just don't care. For the first time I found my dad better than my mom, he at least wanted to listen to me, he at least cared to stay while I was still crying unlike my mom just went out of the room and still shouting at me for stuff. I always valued her, I always understood her, I always cared for her because I thought that she understood me but i was wrong

I just have a lot going in my mind and I don't know what to do, I can't even stop crying, it's so damn hard for me. I can't do this anymore, I am so so done

She could sense what I was going through yet she decided to pass negative comments. Should I be used to getting taunted by my loved ones?

I never thought that things would change so quickly. Am I the only one supposed to hold this? How is that possible? I am very tired of everything. I can't even sit still without rubbing my legs or not crying. Its really get hard for me at this point and the worst part is that I can't even be myself anymore. Am I just that hard to understand? I can't do this anymore

I'm just not well I guess. I need some real rest because it's very tiring for me to constantly do all of this. She didn't understand again, she didn't try to do that. Am I expecting too much from her? I am physically mentally emotionally tired...

For goodness' sake she won't stop doubting me. She thinks that I am in relationship with my best friend only because I have photos of him. I don't really know how to feel about it. When I tried to make it clear for her she didn't even want to listen. I don't want to lose my best friend only because she thinks that I am in relationship while he is already happy with someone else. I can't do this anymore, she won't really give me time to breath now, this is getting very hard for me. I don't know what to do I absolutely hate her at this point. She is literally taking even everything that makes me happy. I just want to get out of this place I am so so done and I don't think I can be happy here. Only because I am depressed and she can't understand me she just can't assume things like that, it's so so annoying when she does something like that. What does she expect me to do? To sit in my room and cry all the time? To take away literally everything I enjoy? To make me feel even worse? That guy has helped me through times when nobody was by my side, when she didn't even care for me, when she didn't even know what I was going through and she wants me to leave him? She is doubting me on that? I really don't know what she wants from me at this point. I am done with her.