My thoughts (open to all) Trigger Warning
I have these thoughts in my head. Will they ever go away. Two years its been since I've cut. Can I make it another day? I can and I will I tell myself. I've been through worse before. I'll get over yesterday. I just can't share anymore. It all started when I said I wished things were different. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just wanted to be closer. It made her sad and confused by what i had to say. I thought we wanted the same things. Turns out I didn't have a clue. Now to try and fix it. Too bad I don't know what to do. The urges are always with me. Mostly weak but now getting strong. I need to be punished for what I did wrong. It's been two years since I cut. Do I throw it all away?
@RedHawk6547 Today's the big day yeah? I hope it goes really good and you're not too nervous
Sending you so many good vibes ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much for thinking of me. It means a lot. So far its a lot of computer training. I will go back and forth working nights and days for a couple of weeks. Then I'll be on nights for good. I be working with some difficult kids but hopefully I can make a difference. Just don't want to screw anything up. How are things going with you?
@RedHawk6547 You're welcome :) I can't begin to tell you how happy I am for you - and how proud. I think what you're doing is so wonderful and awesome! I think you'll do great and the kids whose lives you enter will be grateful to have you in them. You bring so many things to help you with these kids - Knowledge - experience - understanding and those are so needed in their lives ❤️ Just to have some listen to them - to know someone is on their side can make a huge difference. I hope you'll keep me posted on how things are going :) *Big hug* No pressure though of course - I've become a pretty big virtual hugger lol
Things seem to be alittle better lately - at least the past two days anyway lol but hey I am grateful for those. Thank you for asking ❤️
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) Just wanted to check in and see how thing are going with the new job - hope you don't mind - trying not to be a pest 😋
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) You have been on my mind the past few days - I hope you're doing ok *sending you good vibes* 💙
@mytwistedsoul
Hey. I'm actually doing ok. This new job seems to be going well. I feel like I have more of a purpose in my life right now. I have been working quite of few hours which can be good and bad. How are things with you? Sending good vibes too.
@RedHawk6547 It's great to hear that you're doing ok and that the new job is going good! This is so awesome! :) Things are ok here - thank you for asking :) And thanks for the good vibes too 💙
@mytwistedsoul
Hey. You've been on my mind lately. How are you doing? Sending good thoughts.
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) you've been in my thoughts too ❤ I'm so glad the new job is going good! And your daughter notices you're not as stressed - that says alot in its self doesn't it?
Things here have been ok - some good days mixed with the bad ones - Thank you for asking ❤
Work is going better than I thought, putting in a lot of hours. My daughter has noticed that I like this job more and am not as stressed. The people are very understanding of mental illnesses since that is what we do. It has been nice to be around people who don't judge and who take it seriously.
@RedHawk6547 Hey you :) you've been in my thoughts for a while and I've been wondering how the new job is going. I hope things are ok ❤
*sending you good vibes and leaving a safe hug*
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, you've been in my thoughts too. My job is going well, I think. I have my first evaluation coming up in a couple of weeks so we'll see. I've been doing some overthinking lately so that's not so good. My daughter has been asking some hard questions lately. She's 15 now so she has a lot of questions about life. I try to answer them the best that I can. Its hard sometimes though trying to balance it all out. How are things going for you? Sending good vibes and hugs.
@RedHawk6547 Hey you :) I'm sorry to hear you're overthinking things. Between an upcoming evaluation and the hard questions - that's alot of big things on your mind. It says alot though that she's comfortable enough to ask you those questions and hey - answering the best you can is probably the only thing to do in that situation and there again - she keeps asking questions so you're doing it right - ya know? I can't imagine raising kids - especially a teen right now. The world is so goofy right now
Things have been ok. Better in some ways - harder in others. Thank you for asking :)
Sending you good vibes and strength and safe hugs
OH! Good luck with your evaluation but I bet you did awesome!
Take care of yourself ok? Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thinking of you. Sending good thoughts your way. ❤️
@RedHawk6547 Hey you :) sending some good thoughts back ❤️
If you don't mind my asking - how did your evaluation go?
@RedHawk6547 That's great! I'm so happy to hear that the evaluation went good and that the job is working out! ❤️ I think we get so used to things going wrong that it becomes our way of thinking. It's so great when it proves us wrong! I have to say - I'm super proud of you 😊 You wanted and needed a change and you did it!
I'm ok. Thank you for asking. Good days and bad days but I've been keeping busy. Keeps me out of trouble that way
@mytwistedsoul
Hey. It's been awhile. You have been in my thoughts. How are things going? I'm doing good with work. Therapy on the other hand is hard. I keep telling myself the hard work will be worth it. Sending good vibes.
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) It's nice to see you! You've been in my thoughts too and I was wondering how work and everything was going. It's so awesome to hear that work is going good for you! Yeah - therapy is alot of hard work - that's what I tell myself too - that in the long run it will all be worth it. *sending some good vibes back* Thank you :) ❤️
My therapist triggered me without meaning to. It has been a downward spiral in my sessions since. I just realized what she said that triggered me. It happened over a month ago. I probably should have figured it out before now. Hopefully now that I know what it was I will be able to talk about it. That's going to be the hardest part. I'm not sure its something I want to confront and I'm not sure I can continue if I don't. Sometimes trying to get better sucks.
@RedHawk6547 Hey you :) Just wanted to check in with you. I'm sorry to hear that you got triggered. Try not to feel to bad that it took time to figure out what triggered you - I have trouble with this too and seems like it takes forever some times until I have that ah ha moment and it clicks. It can be frustrating and like you - I end up thinking I should have figured it out sooner
* leaving a big hug and sending you strength* ❤️
Tigger warning
Its too much. The flashes and scenes playing in my head like a video. I'm k*ll*ng myself in so many different ways. Its so realistic and vivid. Its hard to explain even to my therapist especially since she has never thought of taking her own life. How can my mind betray me like that?
@RedHawk6547 Hey you ❤️
I need you to know you're not alone. I'm so sorry your mind does this to you. You're right they are so realistic - your heart speeds up - allmost panting your breath. Disgusted yet intrigued. Like watching something you know you shouldn't but helpless to stop watching. They catch you off guard because they can hit at the worst times. You love your daughter Red and she loves you - she needs you. You are not these thoughts and images and they're not you. Your mind is stressing something and sometimes it grasps on to the wrong solutions to stop that stress. When they hit - can you shake them off? Maybe find something safe to do? Something calming and relaxing? I know sometimes it helps me just to move and go for a walk or even find something to clean. Maybe even write them down? Maybe then they'll get out of your mind
*sending you good thoughts and many safe hugs* ❤️
@RedHawk6547 You popped into my thoughts today. * leaving a hug and sending good vibes* ❤️
