My thoughts (open to all) Trigger Warning
I have these thoughts in my head. Will they ever go away. Two years its been since I've cut. Can I make it another day? I can and I will I tell myself. I've been through worse before. I'll get over yesterday. I just can't share anymore. It all started when I said I wished things were different. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just wanted to be closer. It made her sad and confused by what i had to say. I thought we wanted the same things. Turns out I didn't have a clue. Now to try and fix it. Too bad I don't know what to do. The urges are always with me. Mostly weak but now getting strong. I need to be punished for what I did wrong. It's been two years since I cut. Do I throw it all away?
I'm just so tired all the time. Not even sure what's wrong. It is depression or meds or something else. Cry myself to sleep every night now. Its all a mess. My writing doesn't even make sense anymore.
I'm at a loss on what to do. I have to hide so much of myself even to the only person I call a friend irl. I've tried to open up but she doesn't understand. She's been through her own trauma but its so different than mine. I have sh urges and suicidal thoughts. I tried to talk about them once but it made her very uncomfortable. I don't expect her to fix me I just need someone to hear me. I see my therapist once every two weeks but sometimes its not enough. I use the coping skills she taught me. I just want to be able to stop hiding parts of who I am.
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) I catch myself thinking alot that its a shame that we can't talk openly and more freely about things we're dealing with. Or if we could talk privately as members. The listeners here can be hit or miss and when you're having urges or thoughts like that there should be a safer better way of being heard. Because sometimes those listeners can make you feel worse. I hear you - I hear you about both of those things and I'm sorry you deal with them too
I'm sorry if I shouldn't have replied - sending you good vibes
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) you popped into my thoughts today. There was a new citizen Soldier song that came on -
Bedroom Ceiling
I didn't know if you had heard it yet and thought I would share
I hope you're doing ok - try to remember there's people here who care about you
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for sharing the song. I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. I have been isolating more and more lately. I'm not even sure how to stop. It has been too difficult to put on a happy face for people. There is so much going on and nothing at all. I know that makes no sense. How have you been?
@RedHawk6547 You're welcome :) I know it's not much but sometimes it can be the littlest things. I'm sorry you're isolating and I can understand the draw of it. It is hard to stop. But here - you don't need to put on that smiling face for anyone - you can come as you are and noone will judge you. There are people here that care about you and want to know how you are. That's why I pop in every now and again to let you know you're in my thoughts. I hope it doesn't annoy you :)
Tbh - I have good days and bad days. Alot of times I'm just tired of alot of things. I'm tired of having to defend what I say and how I feel to people how think that they're allways right or justified in how they treat people. Granted I may be wrong with how I see it but those thoughts and feeling are mine - wrong or right. Idk - so yeah just tired of alot
I'm sorry for dumping that here on you :(
I send you strength and good vibes - you deserve peace and happiness - you really do. You're in my thoughts ❤
I don't deserve to be here. I messed up and ruined something good. It breaks my heart and I can't do anything about it. It can't be reversed, what's done is done. I deserve to be punished for what I did.
Having some dark thoughts lately. Not sure how to deal with them. I told my therapist that I was safe. I'm hoping I didn't lie to her. I have my daughter to think about. Just want to talk to someone who gets it. Who truly understands the pain of it all.
@RedHawk6547 Hey you :) may I sit with you? Im sorry to hear you're having these dark thoughts. They sneak in when we least expect them sometimes don't they? They can kind of be like an unwanted house guest. They come uninvited and seem to stick around
I understand you're really hurting - I really do but I know how much your daughter means to you. I know you wouldn't want to hurt her that way. She would miss you so much. I would miss you - wise would miss you. There are people here that care about you
I know it's not any of my business - if the thoughts are bad enough or if you want to act on them - I hope you'll let someone know - I hope you'll keep yourself safe and let your therapist know
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I am sending you good strong vibes and you are in my thoughts ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for sitting with me. I haven't felt this down in a long time. Things have been building up for a while. We had to put down one of our pets last week. It hit us hard. Seeing my daughter in that much pain because of something I did broke part of me. Work has been very stressful. The final straw was them making mean and cruel comments about child abuse and someone acting on their dark thoughts. I talked with my therapist again today. We made a new safety plan. She gave me some different coping skills to try and we talked about me finding a different place to work. Thanks for being here for me. How are you doing?
@RedHawk6547 I'm so sorry to hear about your pet 😞 it's so hard when we have to say good bye to them. We lost a dog to cancer. It'll be a year on Thanksgiving day and there's still days that it hard. They're family
It would be horrible hearing people make fun of something so serious. People can be so thoughtless. They never seem to think that there might be someone nearby or even someone they know who had to go through through that
I'm really glad you talked with your therapist today and that you were able to make a safety plan. I'm proud of you for being brave with sharing those thoughts with her. I know its not easy to do ❤
A new job would be kind of exciting! Then you wouldn't be around those people anymore and their cruel comments. Is that something you're comfortable with? If you don't mind my asking of course. I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going with that - because there really are people who care about you here and you deserve good things
I'm not sure how I am tbh - there's ok moments but then its like a button gets pushed and it falls a part. It's surprising how fast it happens isn't it? Thank you for asking ❤
I feel like I keep writing you books lol - sorry about that
I'm sending you a big hug if that's ok and some good vibes. You'll be in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for the hug and good thoughts. Right now I'm doing better. The thought of a new job is exciting and scary at the same time. I would definitely like to get away from my coworkers. I'm not sure what kind of job to look for. I would like to get out of my current field if possible. I would like to do something that makes a difference if that makes sense. How are you? I look forward to reading your replies no matter how long or short. :) Sending a hug and good vibes to you.
@RedHawk6547 You're welcome :) I'm glad to hear things are alittle better and wanting to find something that makes a difference makes alot of sense to me. Something to help people or even animals and give back to someone or something. Something that makes you feel good about what you're doing - like a sense of accomplishment. I think it sounds wonderful and I'm sure that whatever you decide to do you'll do great!
Thank you for the hug and good vibes :)
@RedHawk6547 I just wanted to drop in and say hey :) How are things going?
@mytwistedsoul
Hi. Its going ok I guess. My job hunt is slow going. I'm not really qualified for much. My therapist had to cancel my upcoming appt. so it will be a month in between sessions. I'm telling myself I can make it I've done it before. Its just there is so much negative at work it was nice to have a safe place to go. A place I could just be me. At home its hard because of my daughter. I have to be strong and in control for her. It justs becomes too much sometimes. It feels like I have to hide myself and silence who I am around everyone. It gets exhausting. How are you doing?
@RedHawk6547 Hey :) I'm sorry the job hunt is going slow. Maybe there's something that you're interested in and maybe they would be willing to train you on the job? A month feels like forever doesn't it? Maybe during that time you could come here? Reach out to someone - you can even tag me if you'd like to. I can't understand though how it would feel to do that - so I won't be offended if you don't ok? But the offer is there ok? It's hard not having a safe place to go to and tbh - you saying that you feel like you have to hide yourself and silence who you are - you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm finding it's easier to just keep everything to myself. Then there's noone making assumptions about things that they think they know - there's noone jumping to conclusions and I don't have to worry about making anyone angry or upset but I struggle with it. Thank you for asking :)
@mytwistedsoul
You have been in my thoughts lately. Thanks for all the support. It means a lot. How have you been doing?
@RedHawk6547 You're welcome 🙂
Um - so - I was thinking about with this job interview - you know just applying and going to the interview is a big deal right? I mean - that's a really big step in it's self. I'm not sure how long you've been at your job now but it was kind of like a new thing - something you don't do all the time. They hopefully take into account being nervous. I guess - I just hope you'll give yourself some credit for taking the step you did ❤
I keep busy - ya know? If I'm busy I don't think and it seems better to not think. Tbh - I'm not sure how to answer that question right now but thank you so much for asking ❤
I had a job interview today for a job I would really like and it would make a difference. I blew the interview. It was like my mind froze. If it was me doing the hiring I wouldn't hire me. They said it would probably take a couple of weeks before I would know. They have to do a background check and other paperwork. I don't even know why they would go through the trouble. Anyway I guess I should be grateful to still have a job. Now I just have to figure out a way to not let it bother me.
@RedHawk6547 Just wanted to let you know you were in someone's thoughts today :)
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks. You have been in my thoughts too. I got the job. I start Mon. 29. I'm nervous and kind of excited at the same time. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone in a big way here. How have you been doing?
@RedHawk6547 This is wonderful news! Congratulations! I can understand why you're excited and nervous about it but I must say, I am so proud of you! You took a chance and stepped out of your comfort zone. That is such a huge step! Just taking the chance was a big step. To have it pay off is immense. I have no doubt that you'll do great! I'm really happy for you! ❤ I hope you'll keep me posted on how it goes, although I'll probably ask if you don't!
Things have been a little calmer this week and there's something being slowly worked through and hopefully processed. Thank you for asking!
@RedHawk6547 Wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to you
You've been in my thoughts ❤
