My thoughts (open to all) Trigger Warning
I have these thoughts in my head. Will they ever go away. Two years its been since I've cut. Can I make it another day? I can and I will I tell myself. I've been through worse before. I'll get over yesterday. I just can't share anymore. It all started when I said I wished things were different. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just wanted to be closer. It made her sad and confused by what i had to say. I thought we wanted the same things. Turns out I didn't have a clue. Now to try and fix it. Too bad I don't know what to do. The urges are always with me. Mostly weak but now getting strong. I need to be punished for what I did wrong. It's been two years since I cut. Do I throw it all away?
GOD is just a dream
The devil is real to me
I'm trying so hard
But I still can't see
He was with me when it happened
I don't understand so much
How could he be there
And not stop the wrong touch
How do I turn my life over to Him
How do I just let go
How do I trust
I really would like to know.
Today was rough. It only got worse as the day went on. Just feel like going to sleep. I was looking forward to talking with my friend but she had other things to do. I've been missing her lately. I've been missing seeing familiar names on the forums too. It seems like they all went away.
Not sure what's going on. It seems like everyone I used to talk with is gone. Check ins are hit and miss lately. I miss the trauma community I once knew. My friend has still been very busy and has no time to talk. There is so much that I miss. Oh well, I guess life goes on right?
@RedHawk6547 Hey - How are you? I hope you don't mind my popping in here. I heard the Trauma community used to be really active. Looking at past checkin - there were alot of people around back then it seems. This place has really changed lately. I just wanted to say that - if you ever needed someone to talk to - you can tag me. I probably won't have many answers but sometimes it's just nice to be heard - no pressure though ok?
Sitting here with my thoughts. Wishing something would make them stop. Music usually helps but I'm having trouble tonight. Wanting to talk with someone but not knowing the words to say. It's all a mess
@RedHawk6547 Hey - how are you today? It can be so hard to find the words sometimes - all the time really. And to reach out to someone - next to impossible. Add a few bad experiences with listeners and - well - it just makes it worse
You've been in my thoughts - I just didn't want to be annoying with them
*leaving a hug - no pressure though*
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for the hug. You have been in my thoughts too. You aren't going to annoy me by commenting here. I have had some bad experiences with listeners here so now I stick to the forums. I guess things are going ok. I see my therapist Fri. That's usually a good thing. Music has been helping lately. I recently found Citizen Soldier. I'm always open to new music if you have any suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me. How are things with you?
@RedHawk6547 You're welcome :) I'm glad you get to see your therapist on Friday. If I remember right you were having trouble being able to get in to see them. It does help - sometimes though I often feel worse afterwards. We're still not doing face to face though - hopefully at the end of the month we can go back to that
Music - I'm not sure what I'd do without music. There's times I have some sensitivity to it and can't listen to anything and it's like I'm - Locked inside myself then with no outlet. If you like Citizen Soldier - You might like Red. This is a good one - The Fight Inside https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95EXpkSTr_0
Lately I've been on a Breathing Theory kick - Empire is pretty good - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axMp0nxTCk8
Things are - Idk - difficult I guess. The story of my life seems to consist of - there appears to be a struggle lol - Thank you for asking though :) I enjoy talking with you - It's nice to know that somewhere - someone hears you - that they are listening - the listeners here - they listen but they don't really hear - I don't think many times that they fully understand the power of their words and actions and how it can affect people who reach out to them
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
You've been in my thoughts. Thanks for the song suggestions. They really speak to me. I want to thank you for listening to me. If you ever need a listening ear I'm here. Take care of yourself.
@RedHawk6547 Thank you :) You've been in my thoughts too - I hope things are ok with you. I'm glad you liked the songs - I'm not sure what I'd do if I didn't have music most days
I'm allways happy to listen - thank you for offering your ears too :)
I hope you take care too - sending you some good vibes
The thoughts are circling back around
Peace will never be found
Demons are never far it seems
A safe place is just a dream
I try, I wish and pray
Someone hears what I have to say
It hard to always hide
Keeping it all inside
No one ever wonders why
Just assuming I'm shy
Am I protecting them or me
Afraid of what they would really see
Lost, alone and confused
Broken and abused
Hanging on by a thread
Trying to get out of my own head
Want to talk with someone but don't even know what I would say. My thoughts are a mess. I miss her so much, it hurts.
@RedHawk6547 You've been in my thoughts - How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
I'm doing ok tonight. It has been a rough week though. The thoughts just wouldn't stop. I saw my therapist which helped. I never know which way thats going to go. Music has definitely helped. I shared a song to help her understand how I was feeling when I couldn't find the words. How are you doing?
@RedHawk6547 I'm sorry it's been a rough week but really glad your therapist helped. Its cool that you can share Music with her - especially if it helps explain how you think and feel. Music - Idk what I would do without it alot of times. I'm - Idk - having a really hard time tbh. Thank you for asking though :)
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I hope you were able to have a nice weekend and have been able to keep those thoughts at bay
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. This week has been better so far. My daughter is home this week. She keeps me on my toes so the thoughts aren't as bad when she's here. I'm here if you need someone to talk with. Take care of yourself.
@RedHawk6547 I'm glad this week has been better for you :) I bet your daughter does keep you on your toes lol
I hope you have a wonderful week with her
Thank you - I hope you take care too :)
Its been a rough week. I decided to try to write. This is what came out.
I can't see a way out
I'm filled with doubt
Fear is in my head
Wishing I was dead
The pain is stronger every day
I just can't seem to find my way
Feel like I don't have a choice
Just have to silence my voice
Things are going ok I guess. Sometimes its hard to judge. Reading and music have been a good distraction. I keep thinking about what my therapist said. I need to use my voice more. It feels like I have no thoughts or opinions on anything other than music and my writing. Not sure how I feel about my writing half the time either.
