Luchelle's Room
I hope that you don't mind me ranting here. You can reply to my posts of course.
I'm sorry if there's something triggering here.
Welcome to my dairy (or a place where I write down my stuff)
There will be a lot of typos and dramatic stories.
I wanna start of by introducing myself
My name is Luchelle (Fake name) I am 14 years old, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I've been having suicidal thoughts since little, but I'm okay now. 7 Cups has changed me a lot. I don't know what am I gonna be if I don't found this site.
Tuesday, 21st August 2018
9 PM
Today was also good, but I am really exhausted now, mentally and physically. Why do I always break myself over and over again? My mom and I went to some kind of restaurant because there's a discount there. It was good. I had to force myself to talk about my future. We talked about schools, how to get scholarships, how to get into a psychology major, some jobs, etc. I think my mom secretly wants me to go for business management.
I think it's impossible to go to a decent psychology major unversity here, because the school sucks here, if I go to another city, it's gonna be hella expensive and my family can't afford such thing; I have these "depressed" phases where I don't want to think at all, which will affect my grades, and so much more. Well, I can only dream.
Today I'm proud of being able to solve some math problems on my own and teached my friend about it too. School's off tomorrow! Yes! I have some time to relax and recharge.
My thoughts are being really toxic now and it's really affecting me, although nothing bad happened. . . it's just me, the one who's breaking myself. I need to stop, but I can't.
Why do I always forget to breathe? I need to stop getting attached to someone, it hurts.
~Luchelle~
@Luchelle
Good morning my friend, sorry i couldn't open 7 cups yesterday.. i was so buesy because its a holiday and we got some guests.. i had to serve them.. sometimes i don't like it but i still do my best at it.. let me tell you about dreams.. they always say.. dream big.. right? so your dream is beautiful and big.. it should live no matter what. however.. it may not be so soon.. like not after school directly.. i also have a dream.. its to study trains engineer.. but my countries don't have such a thing called trains so its kinda impossible, but i didn't give up on it i just hung it there on my mind wall untill someday... who knows what could happen...
hahah... its so funny, i wanted to write this at morning but here i am completing writing it as the sun falls down. i feel so bad, i feel like something is grabbing me from my neck preventing me from breathing... it hurts a lot.. i feel like i'm going to explode with bad words and anger at any moment, when i feel like this i usually set alone and try hard not to talk to anyone, the problem is people around me wont let me stay alone... they will pay for what they're asking for...
forgetting to breath and being not able to breath... aren't they alike?
i wanted to visit my mom today but i couldn't, my dad is not home and i have to take care of his pigeons and dog, he might not come today as well, but tomorow for sure by God willing i'm going to visit her... and hopefully be able to have some love..
i don't like to be forced to do somthing when i was planning to do something else, i try to avoid anger thoguh, but now that i'm full of it,,, i really should stay away from people...
even when i'm away from them... its kinda hard to stop nigative thinking... maybe if i played something on my pc it'll help me...
sorry if what i wrote made you sad.. i really didn't mean to..
@AtomLight
It's alright, go take your time. It's not like you 'have' to reply to my posts, but I really appreciate it when you do <3. Oh no, don't worry about whether it made me sad or not. It looks like you're struggling through some things in your life right now. It's alright to take time for yourself.
We're on the same boat here, I can't be express anger to my parents either. I never say swear words out of anger, I never shout, yell, break things. It's just, a waste of energy and I feel like I'll look stupid. I hope you do visit your mom though.
Negative thinking? Yep, it is quite disturbing to our lives. I used to think like that too (and mayne I still do). About how my family treats each other badly, my parents fights a lot, my brother and sister as well, my uncle and my grandmother, my grandmother with my grandfather. There's always a fight going on. It's really sad.
Wednesday, 22nd August 2018
10 PM
Today was okay too. Everyday seems okay though. It's just me that's the problem I guess. Nothing interesting happened to mention here. I woke up, ate breakfast, log into 7 Cups, and after that is just my boring daily routine.
Today I'm proud of telling the truth to someone.
I don't have enough time to write this, gotta sleep
@Luchelle
i know something that i can't use at the moment... that is anything hurts you in your life is because of your mistakes. i feel like a lot of depression right now, when i think of it i see alot of nigative people around me, mom, dad, my two sisters, how they treat each other and how all of them treat my young brother, they make me feel sad and bad, but wait, isn't all of these nigative feelings are because of my mistakes? w..what did i do then?
i think deeply but no answers, i only see them as the reason of all of this, are my thoughts wrong about something? but i don't nag about how bad or how few the food is, i don't set a lot on my laptop, i do my best at helping in home, i obey mom and dad, i try to be good to my brothers and sisters, i don't say bad words, i don't lie, i don't talk about people's bad things, if i had a fight with someone i don't go out there to tell everyone about it, i really am trying my best to do the right things, i don't know why i feel that depressed if its supposed to be me... i need to get some rest... maybe... i'm a good seed that is planted in a bad soil... i wish from my only God to help me and everyone in need and show us what wrong we did... and what should we do...
Friday, 24th August 2018
11 AM
I hate myself so much. Haha. Why am I like this? Why do I always mess things up? Why is it always my fault? I want to disappear now, forever. But disappearing is scary. Life is scary. Living is painful. I don't feel safe anywhere in this world. I never do. I've grown addicted to depressing songs, they feel like home to me. Why do I hate myself so much? Because I always mess things up and it's always my fault. I can't tell anybody straightforwardly, not even the listeners here. My emotions are too fragile for anyone to handle. Too complicated.
I'm sorry for ranting here, whoever you are, I'm sorry for everything. I don't feel safe anywhere. I hate myself so much. I need to stop. Stop thinking. Stop it, please. I need to stop destroying myself over and over again. I don't expect myself to live a long healthy life. Maybe I could die soon due to my lack of self-care. I feel sorry for my family to have a child like me. What am I worth exactly? I'm not smart, creative, reliable, funny, I'm not like anyone. I'm sorry, just sorry. If I were the type of person who easily expresses their emotions through actions, I could be wrecking my house now. But I don't wanna disturb anybody with my problems. I hate it.
Well at least I have a day off of school today to let my body heal from the fever.
~Luchelle~
@Luchelle
hi my friend
thank you for your kind advice... i had some great time with my mom, and still having it.. i actually am going to sleep at her place, i'm happy i can be with her a little bit longer... and about my replays.. i write them not because i feel like i have to.. but because i want to from the bottom of my heart.. because i love it when i read that you had a good time.. or when you're proud of doing something even if its a small thing... i love it and i mean it..
you being stressed and feeling bad about yourself... maybe its not your fault.. i experienced some of your environment and you know that.. we just need some fresh air out of all of that.. right?
i wish my home was next to a beautiful person like you... i would hang out with you whenever i can... we can go to parks... look at trees🌳🌲🍃 and children playing⚽ as we eat som potato chips maybe🍟.. or eating ice cream🍦... then we would go to a library and discuss things that you like about phcycology.. i think i have some interests in that field too... but no one talks with me about it so its just there hanging on my brain wall 😆
i wish you the best in your life... even if its so dark most of the times... i know that there is a light somewhere... and i'll be so happy if you let me join you with this darkness.. after all.. you helped me too..
Friday, 24th August 2018 (2)
9 PM
I spent my whole day on the internet. Doing useless stuff. I got a new haircut and I love it. It's short on the back and longer on the front.
Oh gosh, I really want to learn the violin, I know it's expensive and really hard to learn, but still, I really want to do it.
I am going to answer some journal prompts from the internet if you don't mind.
20 things that makes me happy:
~ Talking to @iiRiaii @PositiveSkyler
~ My cats
~ Pudding
~ Sherlock Holmes
~ Solving problems on my own
~ Alone time
~ White chocolate
~ 7 Cups
~ A day without my parents arguing
~ Creating something that I'm actually proud of
~ @AtomLight your kind replies
~ Sudden compliments (really uncomfortable but it's really nice to hear one)
~ Alone with the nature
~ A night without Anxiety
~ When I feel like someone is being genuinely kind to me
~ The colour royal purple and black
~ When I make someone's day better
~ Learning the things I am interested in
~ When a 'cruel' teacher compliments me
~ Snuggling with my pillows and blanket in the morning
~Luchelle~
@Luchelle Haiiiiii! *waves* New haircut wow and that sounds cool too!! Violin is cool! I hope you get to learn it. And those 20 things are so awesome! This whole diary is actually! And I figured replying to older post wont even make sense! I hope you have a great day ahead. 
@Luchelle
well...... that made me blush.. a little...
its an honor for me... thanks ^^
your haircut sounds cute.. i wish i can see it... i bet it fits you well..
i used to do that kind of haircuts when i was young.. but these days i just cut all my hair at the same length
my hair is a bit the rough type... so when its long enough it turns against me.. it wont get brushed no matter what i do so i cut it all the same..
the last time i cut my hair myself.. can you believe it?? i just had my dad to even it for me from behind.. its a good thing to be able to do that because sometimes my mom and dad are not in the mood to do such a job.. and i don't like barbers.. no matter how many times i tell them what do i want they don't do it as i want...
my alone time today was a bit hard to have... because of my other brother and sisters, but i can't help it because they love me being here with them and its been awhile since the last time they saw me.. anyway... its really too late.. already 2:07 am???? wow time really flys.. i wish you have a great morning tomorow my friend..
@Luchelle
please don't die.... everyone of us was born to fullfill a message... to do some specific thing in this life that no body else can do... no one can take your place in this life.. we just struggle trying to find out what is that thing i'm supposed to do and no one else can do it better than me....
you are important... and i don't wanna lose you..... please.. i feel very happy when i see just a little bit of joy in your dairy... and i want that joy to grow bigger and stronger.. i know its so hard.. i know you're afraid of getting attached to something that will leave you.... we all are.. this is the normal life... every person.. cat.. dog... everything will dieat some point in this life... but if we were strong... tried to endure it... we will go to heaven.. where death don't exist..
unfortunatly... killing ourselves will not get us to heaven... but to hell..
and ... if i can't see you in real life... at least.. let me see you in heaven.... can you?
i did like you told me... i took my time... i was off for three days.. i kissed my mom whenever i walked next to her.. i didn't wast a moment with her... i stayed at her place for 3 days and nights.. but after all... i had to leave... because this is life...
maybe... one day.... i will marry a girl that will love me more than herself.... the funny thing is also.. i will be afraid to lose her... heheh...
the only way is to endure this ... untill we reach heaven..
@Luchelle
this life.. how long is it? 60 years? 80?? these are nothing compared to eternity.. thats why its worth it to suffer a little bit for the big prize..don't you think so?
@AtomLight
Nahhh, I don't want to die. We seem to have the same belief. Are you a Christian? It's good to see you're having a good time. Why do you want to see joy in my dairy?
Believe it or not, the only thing that made my family and sanity intact is God. I couldn't imagine what kind of person am I gonna be if it wasn't for Him.
@Luchelle
Actually i'm a muslim, i'm glad we share the same belief even though we're in different religions. in answer to your question... don't you feel good when you see people having a good time, and feel sad when you see people who suffer? even when i'm all good and happy, when i see others having bad times i feel really sad and sometimes it would make me cry, thats why i don't watch news on TV.
@AtomLight
Haha, I think I'm kinda not-empathetic as a person. When I make people happy, I see it as one of my achievements, that's why I'm happy when I make people happy. However, if the person is being happy of another reason and the person is not close to me, it would not affect me.
@Luchelle
maybe i was like you when i was younger... but me now, my heart would jump outta my chest of joy for others... especially children
Wednesday, 29th August 2018
8 PM
Today was okay. Maybe
I was writing an entry yesterday and my mom almost saw it. She forced me to show it to her, I showed my chats instead. I should just lock all my feelings inside, it's really troublesome.
Thursday, 30th August 2018
10 PM
I am so exhausted from school today. *sighs* I'll definitely flunk my math and science tests. My mom is going to be mad at me again. Today I'm proud of hosting a discussion well on my own and I didn't cheat on my tests although everybody did.
I can't be a psychologist at this state, I don't want to pick the wrong career. Can I even get a career in the future? Life is so unpredictable, it's scaring me. My mom said that I have to tell everything to her, isn't that privacy violation? Haha, mom, you don't know how many times I gave you the chance, how many times I opened up and you dismissed it, how much I was hurt and feeling lonely. My dad feels like he's just another guy living here, I can safely say that he's selfish. I shouldn't talk bad things about my parents like this. I'm a bad child. I should stop thinking negatively as well. There's a psychology fact that our inner voice is from what our parents sadi to us, well I think that explains my bad thinking habit.. Am I on that teenager phase where they hate their parents? I really don't wnat to hate them, but I can't help but be annoyed by them.
Why is reading so hard? I can't seem to concentrate while reading, there's always a thought in my mind that interrupts me and ends up into a train of thoughts. I want to be able to read smoothly again. Breathing is also hard, walking, writing, eating, sleeping, relaxing, everything feels like a challenge it's so overwhelming. :'(
@Luchelle
I feel like i'm your shadow, recently, every word directed to me from my step mom, dad, sisters and my little brother makes me angry, i laugh asking myself... why is that? its nothing to get angry about, i take a deep breath trying to fix myself but its barely working.
its good thing you're still trying to read, i think i've lost this desire and many more, i feel empty, eventhough there is a lot of things i'm supposed to do, i feel like my batteries are long dead. even my beloved story.. The Golden Flower... which i used to love writing it, i tryed to write some yesterday night but my river of thoughts and imagination was dry. but seeing you trying makes me really want to follow you, i don't like being like this, i want to be what i'm supposed to be, and what i'm supposed to be is what makes me happy. i want to try...
@AtomLight
Your shadow? What do you mean you want to follow me?
Hmmm, in my point of view, you're feeling irritation or you have some kind of grudge to your family or maybe you're angry at yourself so you lash out your anger to them?
Ah, I feel the same way about drawing too. It's so hard to be as creative as before. I hope that you'll get to write your story! What is it about? I love stories, but I can't concentrate well when I read, but I'd love to read yours.
@Luchelle
aah forgive me, i meant by 'your shadow' that i feel the same as you, and by following you is that you're trying to read even though you're having a hard time trying to concentrate, so i want to follow your steps by not giving up.
yesterday i figured out why i was feeling angry and sad at everything, it was not my parents, it was me. i was delinquent to myself by many things, all what i do is setting on my laptop and a little bit of helping in the house. i slept late and woke up late, i missed the early morning prayer, didn't brush my teeth regularly, i did a lot of mistakes to myself, but yesterday i decided to change this, so i brushed my teeth, turned off my laptop, ate dinner, read some pages of a book called the Holy Quraan, then went to sleep. it was not that early, 11:20 pm, but at least it was earlier than before. and today i woke up at 5:00 am, did my prayer, trained my muscles, and here i am feeling a lot better. i just have to keep it up now.
i'm very happy that you want to read my story, this story represents my beautiful feelings, and i wont hide it from you
@Luchelle
^^
here you go, i just had to translate it from arabic, this is the first pagefrom 23 pages until now
In cold forests, where the green blended with the white of snow, small, characteristic beings lived in love, cooperation and simplicity. They ate of the fruits of the forest and of the earth, and drank of the river that is above their village. In that wonderful village where they lived, their old leader had settled disputes and organized affairs, although she was a big old woman, but her health was better than the young men of the village. When a baby is born it is taken to the leader to have a look at it, whether it is true or ill, for her experience in various types of medicinal herbs and diseases. There were two species, one called flowers, the other called butterflies. These labels came because the butterflies had wings like wings of butterflies, but flowers do not. Flowers were always females, but butterflies were females or males. But this was no reason to differentiate them at all, especially under the leadership of their wise leader.
The wise leader had a granddaughter of flowers called the flower of water; a beautiful flower who took the qualities of leadership after her grandmother, as it was clear on her while playing with her many friends, where all butterflies and village flowers loved. Among her friends are the white water flower, the flower of hope, the flower of pain, the flower of the riverbed sand, the flower of the gold clusters, the spider flower, the pearl flower and the green leaf flower. There were not many butterflies in the village. The male butterflies went for hunting and exploration, often outside the village, so the butterflies inside the village were mostly females.
One day the flower of water sat by the river that was north of the village. She was playing with smooth stones and classifying them according to size and putting them on top of each other to make beautiful shapes. Suddenly, she felt a breath of air against the direction of the wind and turned to find out that it is a butterfly, she was horrified when she saw her float quietly behind her, flapping her wings without a sound. The butterfly said with a sad smile "I really apologize for your fright, I did not mean it, but I noticed the beautiful shapes you made from just rocks from the river". She responded after she calmed down Thank you, I put it on top of each other and thoughts come to me automatically. "Im called the water butterfly, and you?", "Your name is close to my name, I am the flower of water", Really?, "Yeah, where did you come from?", "I used to live in a village not close to here, and I heard about a village called the mythological village of butterflies. I'm looking for that village, I want to see it and make sure everything is said about it is true, That's great, will you live there if you find it? ", "Yes, this is my dream", The flower of water said in her mind She just met me and she told me about her dream! I think I should not overdo it and make her a friend of mine Then she said "So, will you stay in our village for a while? Sometime before you complete your journey? ", Can I?, "Yes, of course, the village leader is very kind and will allow you to stay", "Well, I should talk to her then", "Come on from here".
The flower of water went with the water butterfly to the village. When they arrived at her grandmother's house, they found villagers at her house, then she found the flower of hope and asked her, "What's the matter?, She said "The leader flower, she seems a bit tired" as she said that and the flower of water rushed into the house to see her grandmother. She found her lying on the bed Grandma, are you okay?, "Yes, my dear, do not worry, I just felt dizzy", "Do not frighten us like that again" she then hugged her grandmother and her eyes were filled with tears.
@AtomLight
I love the way you write this! It sounds romantic and mystical :-: I hope the grandma is alright though :-:
@Luchelle
is that for real??? oh thank you so much.. that means a lot to me... i'll try to translate more for you tomorrow ^^
*i'm so happy*
Saturday, 1st September 2018
9 PM
Nothing interesting happened today. I woke up, watched a k-drama called "Goblin" (which broke my heart), went to class, tried to ride the motorcycle (and failed), logged into 7 Cups, and here I am now. I really want to do something new, but anxiety keeps holding me back.
This k-drama called "Goblin" is really sad, it made me think about my love life. I can never get a love life, am I? I gave up on my social life years ago and now I'm going to give up on love. Maybe someone will waltz into my life, but I don't know if I can open my heart to them.
I just feel really sad now, maybe it's because I'm on my period. I'm so sad. Can I just isolate myself? I think I woke up because of another nightmare today. Today I'm proud of myself for going to class although it's raining and study. I wrote a poem for @iiRiaii
Ria, oh Ria
I may sound dramatic in the next following words
So bear with me in a few
Life is unexpected, isn't it?
Full of surprises and complexities
Because of it, we've become twinnies
Bunnies are funnies fluffies
Just making it rhymes
So you'll get the smiles
Time flies, so does lies
They're not worth your cries
For you are so nice
In so many ways
You've supported my life
I bet you have a lovely voice
Time to change the rhyme!
I'm running out of ideas, is it fine?
You're like my cane
Every step I make
No longer my life's in vain
I know you're in pain
Recall the things you've gained
The things you've joined!
@Luchelle
i kinda want to watch that k-drama but i'm scared a little bit, i watched one once and i was crying like crazy, totally. whenever i see that drama on youtube i'm like "NNNOO, get outta my sight" xD
the love life huh... i did't have any girls that have an eye on me when i was at school OR even when i was at the university, but i had known one girl on the internet, and it have been more than a year before we loved each other, she was from a country that is next to mine, my dream grown big and i wanted no girl but her. even if i have to travel to that country just for her i don't care. i pray for god everyday and ask him... for her to be my wife. except for her there are no girls in my life and its fine with me, even though i finished school and university i didn't lose hope for that girl, and honestly, i didn't love any girl in my entire life like i loved her. hang on there, you wont know whats comming up until it comes, just be ready for it so when it comes you would catch it ^^
@AtomLight
Woah, that sounds like a sad love story. Just to confirm, are you a boy? Girl? Non-binary? It seems like we're the opposite here, I can't cry that easily. It takes a lot for me to cry a tear. You do have another in your life! And that girl is me :'3. Well at least you know aanother girl in your life
About your previous message, yeah that can be the problem! A not healthy daily routine can affect our mood or mental health.
@Luchelle
heheh.. don't worry.. someday by the will of God someone will enter your life and you'll see him as the best thing in the world.
i'm a boy ^^ ... what you saw from my comments is not the one that you would see in the real life... what you see here is tbe true essence of my soul.. that is the true me which i wont show even to my perants... some people on 7cups thought at first that i'm a girl heheh... well that doesn't bother me... i like me as i am... *and i'm not gay btw*
that girl... one night of 2015 she gave me her heart.. it was beating in my chest next to mine.. until one day i gave her mine to beat in her chest.. since then our love was growing stronger each day.. we never argued about anything for the next year.. then one day i told my mom about her as a secret... she was happy about me finding my love.. she gave me some talk and encouraged me.. then later she gave me an advice.. to stop talking to her.. and that was not for a bad thing.. its just we didn't get any use of our chat messaging but more burning love that burns us constantly... so we agreed to let go until we meet in real life and be together... we then sent each other a picture of me to her.. and one of her to me so we make sure of our relation.. that didn't change anything between us.. but anyway... that didn't go as we planned... we talked to each other in our birthdays.. we couldn't help it.. eventually we got back to talk.. until her mom asked her about it.. she didn't lie.. but she ...
she was puneshed so badly... when i apologized to her she didn't let me to... she said don't apologize.. she told me to forget about her... but who's she lying to? her heart is beating inside me... i knew what she was feeling... what she wanted the most back then without her talking... then she told me that she promised her mother not to talk to me again.. i never heated her mother and always told her to obey her mother.. so we agreed... not to talk again...
UNTIL that day comes... that day when we marry...
i imagened that day once... you know what happened? i cryed from joy..
maybe you'll imagen me such a crying baby now.. again this is the true me... i cried that day of joy but no one ever have seen me crying like that.. not even tears..
if i'm with that girl i wont hide a thing from her... but the people around me these days... no way they're gonna see the true me...
@Luchelle
I cannot believe how I never came by this. It literally made me smile so wide, and cry at the same time and I'm sorry for the times I've been away. I love you Sweetie ❤ I love the poem and you're my favorite little sister who isn't little in any way other than her age. You're way more mature than I was at your age. Hehe, and I cried reading that poem. I always loved your poetry and always wanted to encourage you to write more. 💕
So here's something by me -
I scribble your name
When you're not around
I scream your name
When you're nowhere to be found
I love you for you've always been
My sweet little sister
I've taken baby steps with you
On the journey to happiness,
I know how broken and hurt we are,
Yet every second spent talking to you
Makes my day brighter.
I can't rhyme, it doesn't come naturally
But there's something between us
Which is more than just about recovery.
We'll heal each other,
And we'll be by each other's side.
You're my little sister
And I'll try my best to protect you from things
Things you yet have to face,
I'll be with you through faith and grace.
I know we're just online sisters
Never able to hug each other
Or wipe away the tears.
But I need you to know,
How thankful I am
To have known you
I never intend to leave you,
And I guess I never will.
I wish we both stay together
Heal together and
Face all the wars that come our way
At the end of the day you're my little sister
And for you I'd always stay.
@iiRiaii
Aweeee This poem is so beautiful ;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-; *screenshots all of them* *writes down in my journal*. BTW I made this while studying biology smh xD. Good lucky luck on your tests <3 <3
@Luchelle
I loved it haha I took screeshots too smh xD Thank you so much! Good luck to you too! 💕
Tuesday, 4th September 2018
12 PM
My school sent us off early today. Today I'm proud of myself for doing a group project all ON MY OWN because my groupmates worked on the wrong topic. Yesterday was really stressful and exhausting. I'm trying to re-organize my schedule and to-list, hopefully it'll save my energy more. My finals are in 8 months, but I am already stressing about it. What if I make a mistake? What if I fail to enter the school I want? I decided to focus studying Personality Psychology (Still looking for the perfect job for it) since it's the area I've always been interested in. My mom seems to support it too, I don't know about my father, he wants me to continue his business. I really need to study science and math more. I can't seem to relax on my bed. Anxiety please stop bothering me. I just want to relax for a day, is it too much to ask? There's too much to do and so little time. My body is not strong enough to endure all of these stress, work, daily tasks. I'm starting to get sick again.
I had an epiphany yesterday; I seem to value more, be compassionate, more open to my friends rather than my own family because that's what I see my mom does all the damn time. She prioritize her social things more than me. For example: She'd rather ignore me than ignoring the people she's talking to.
@Luchelle
do you know what is your love language?
there is five love languages, each one of us have his own language, if someone else tried to talk to us with a language other than our language it will be hard to understand.
the languages are:
1 words of affirmation
2 quality time
3 receiving gifts
4 acts of service
5 physical touch
mine is physical touch since it was the most thing i missed in my childhood
P.S. i'm proud of you handeling a project on your own ^^ Good Job
@AtomLight
Thank you very much!! Yup I know love languages. Mine are Quality time and Words of affirmation. I feel loved when someone spend their time with me.
@Luchelle
and I love to see someone being loved by me ^^ haha 
@Luchelle Dear Luchelle, i feel what you feel. Im a high school senior and im struggling at school just as you. I dont know what school I should apply to and the final is in 8 months. I also have to take a lot of AP Subjects.
Im glad that you have found a field that you interested in. I hope you will feel better.