Luchelle's Room
I hope that you don't mind me ranting here. You can reply to my posts of course.
I'm sorry if there's something triggering here.
Welcome to my dairy (or a place where I write down my stuff)
There will be a lot of typos and dramatic stories.
I wanna start of by introducing myself
My name is Luchelle (Fake name) I am 14 years old, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I've been having suicidal thoughts since little, but I'm okay now. 7 Cups has changed me a lot. I don't know what am I gonna be if I don't found this site.
She was different.
Very different.
Too different.
Her own body was an alien.
As if she was born in the wrong body.
No this is not her home.
A home doesn't feel like this.
She didn't even feel safe in her mind.
As it wasn't her own anymore.
Home. Where is it?
Is it a mere feeling?
Another trick of chemicals inside of her?
Maybe she did feel home in a place.
But the place is long forgotten.
At least in her mind, it is.
She couldn't breathe.
For the air is corrupted with emotions.
@Luchelle
home... huh... kinda nostalgic... depends on your definition of home...
@AtomLight
Home is where I belong to, where I feel safe, where I feel secure, where I can be myself no matter what, where I cry, where I laugh, where I make memories of diamond, where I stay.
@Luchelle
i wish i find that home too... i wish for me and you...
It's Sunday morning.
Aren't mornings suppose to be cheerful? Fresh?
Just had a nightmare where I did everything I can to come to my mom and then she blatantly rejected me and scolded me.
I cried when I woke up.
It still feels like it was real tho. Well, because it did happened, something similar to this. If you wanna make me cry, easy, the key to my tears is my mom. All you have to do is to say something bad about me to my mom and she'll happily lecture me all hours. Maybe days.
Nobody but my mother can make me cry this easily.
My dad won't let me go to school out of town, haha. And my town doesn't have the major I want to go in: psychology. Well there is only one but the quality is not good. I don't wanna end up like my mom and dad. Hell, I don't even wanna marry in the future. It's troublesome. I don't wanna be like my dad who only think about himself. I don't wanna be like my mom who never took the time to understand first and then get angry. I don't wanna be like my grandparents who are rich but doesn't want to give freaking money to help us, they see is as a debt. I don't wanna be like my cousin who spends money to have fun with her friends, and sometimes the money comes from my dad. I don't wanna be like my uncle and aunt who thinks they're always right, who thinks they're wise and intelligent and the children of God, haha, you should see how they act in people's back. I don't wanna be like family.
If I count my problems by number, I will never know how many are there.
It's saddening.
I'm think of being a neuropsychologist, it's similar to a psychologist but they focus more on the brain's condition. My dad will never let me be that, tho. And don't you say something like "Don't give up, if it's your passion, then it will happen if you work hard" what's the point of working hard for it when your parents doesn't allow it? We're just puppets dancing on their palms after all.
I guess my name really fits me well: Emily, which means eager, striving, hardworking, and industrious. I've always been that girl since a child. But of course there's a downside to it. I only work hard in the things I'm passionate about or something related to it. Whether it's just a simple group game without rewards or an exam I really want to ace it. No matter what it is, if I'm passionate about it, it will be done. But if it's something like social science exams, which I hate, well, I can do it, but I will do it half-ass. Oh yeah I have a social science exam tomorrow. Never will be interested there.
Oh well, I'll just keep working with blood, sweat, and tears without anyone around me knowing until it all ends.
@Luchelle
you sure have a soft, lovely soul... a squishy heart... please don't be mad at me > < ... you don't wanna be like your family... and don't wanna make a family??
i don't want to be like my father too.. getting all angry on small things.. or like mom.. also getting angry on things so quickly... sooo i want to make a family that will be different from the one i'm living in right now... i see my dad do mistakes with mom.. i record them to my memory so i don't do these mistakes with my future wife... i hear mom complaining about something in my dad i record it to make sure it wont happen in my family... lots of plans have already been set way before i even get to meet the girl i love...
i'm sorry if i was not empathy... but i really hate it when a beautiful soul like you is made to cry of bad treatment
@Luchelle
maybe your dad wont let you... but the truth is you're the one deciding that...
let me talk to you with psychology... there is rules to it you know... they're called the laws of subconcious mind.. there's many rules, one of them says.. the thing you concentrate on in your thoughts will be attracted to you... if you think continuously about you not being able to study psychology it will be true... BUUT if you reverse these bad thoughts to beautiful ones they will come true..
ask God for what you want to be... be alone and ask him... God please let me be what i really would love to be... then believe that God will help you... he will help me because i asked him.. i din't know how or when.. but i'm sure he will...
the third thing is to continuously keep asking God... because he loves to be asked...
the fourth thing is do what you're supposed to do... suppose that God told you... i've gave you what you asked of me... its out there.. go get it.. you just have to do your side of work now to get what God gave you...
all this wont come true if you don't think positively and believe as we said earlier... the laws of subconcious mind...
i'm actually doing this right now since a long time... like 2 years maybe and still believe that God will help me... i just have to go and get it... when will i reach it... and where... i don't know... but i'm sure it'll come by the will of God in the best time and in the best place... its to marry that girl i mintioned before ^^
@AtomLight
Thank you very much for this! I agree with you about the subconscious law thing. It's hard to do it but I'll try my best. This message literally made my day! I hope you get to marry the girl you love ;-; you'd be the best father your kids could ever have :3
@Luchelle
Thats so sweet thank you ^^
don't worry things looks difficult when you first look at them.. but once you get to understand how it works it becomes so simple
@Luchelle
your name meaning is so beautiful... also your name... Emily... my name is Essam.. begins with the same latter as yours heheh.. it means the thing you hold onto to prevent you from falling... pretty like me right? what can i say i'm so humble XD
but i guess you doing good in the subjects you have interest in is so normal... i tottaly am like you... my lowest grades in school were in social science.. i was not good at all with it... my grades would be 90, 87, 92, 85, of 100% and then... 72% in social science.... heheh well... thats me until today... what can i do i just hate it.. so you do hate somethings and its normal... we're not supposed to love everything... who said that
@AtomLight
Essam! What a beautiful name too! I'm sorry I haven't been around lately, things are getting busy inside and out. Wow your grades are all good! Mine are flailing Lol.
@Luchelle
hahah don't worry too much about grades, there is so many other things to measure your progress.. but keep doing your best it helps to get grades ya know..
@AtomLight
Oh gosh, thankyou thankyou thankyou so much for your support! I tried to think posirive ly while performing my Story Telling competition and it worked! Everybody was amazed of me and my friend's performance!
I don't know why though, but I don't feel proud of myself as much as I thought. It's probably cause I'm in my mild depression phase. I feel numb although I did something more extraordinary than the old Emily would do.
@Luchelle
when you do anything the feelings will affect what you do. for example when you tast your mom's food and your grandma's food of the same type they cannot be the same. because the feelings are different.. sometimes you find the food your mom made is extraordinary good and sometimes its not edable. so is everything we do in our life... and i'm telling you.. that even if you don't feel like you're proud of yourself, i am proud of you.. because you did an awesome progress by thinking positively and seeing what it did to your action
Just putting down my thoughts here.
Yeah.
I'm hearing a song. . .
Sherlock BBC OST. . .
That song never fails to rip my heart.
You know, I met my old best friend, let's just call him, D.
At first I thought he was ignoring me. But turns out that he was just a bit shy.
He found my IG account and DMed me first.
I was so happy
I missed talking to him so much.
ANd so, we talked for HOURS, till he went to sleep ofc. (HE sleeps way earlier than I do).
But I found that he has a new friend. Well, two new friend.
It seemed like he replaced me.
And so, my low self esteem ass thought that he doesn't want me anymore, plus I'm not smart like I used to be, plus he said that he was friends with me because I was smart (I have a little feeling he didn't mean that). So I fell ill, emotionally.
A song fits perfectly with this situation, it's called "Clarity" By Zedd.
"Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why."
"If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?" Our friendship is basically a tragedy. I hate him, but I also love him. I can't (Live without him,
@Luchelle
forgive me.. but this is ain't love, this is attachment.. love never hurts.. it heals.. if you love someone you'll still live without him or her..
aah i'm not so good with empathy... thats why i couldn't become a listener... but to be honest... i love you like a young sister of mine... thats why i always come back and never ignore you..
i never experienced losing someone... i wish i would never do... i know for sure its not easy at all... whenever i watch some anime or movie about this topic i cry deeply... i can't stand it... hah am i attached to someone? mom? dad? is it normal? is it bad? should i not? even though i'm talking about attachment i find myself attached to something deep inside me... i don't know what am i gonna do when that day comes... i don't dare to think about it...
heheh wow i made myself feel sad... i should support you not make you sad...
@AtomLight
Yeah, I think it is attachment.
He's the type of person who would lie about not caring, but the truth is, he cares A LOT. I crave those kind of personality trait. I can sense if someone is being sincere or not and he makes me at ease. Although sometimes it hurts when he says he doesn't care even though I know he does. I know this isn't love because I couldn't feel anything when he does things like patting my head or smiling at me.
I feel safe around him. And maybe it's because he's not fake like almost all the people here are. And I know you're not to, so I am very grateful to have you here. Wow looks like I have a big brother on the internet, he he.
I don't know what to say here.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now;
Is it emptiness? Anger? Sorrow? Stress? Anxious?
Maybe all of them devastatingly mixed together?
I try my best to be as positive as possible.
And to take care of my body the best I can.
But it's still not enough.
Something is still eating me from the inside.
I tried letting my emotions out.
It helped a bit.
But that 'thing' is still there.
Pulling me back.
Preventing me from living.
It made my emotions stuck.
I can't feel emotions like I used to.
I am visibly getting thinner, everyone said that.
I'm growing anxious for no reason everyday.
People were right.
It really does feel like drowning.
I'm suffocated by the air.
My facade is too perfect for people to see through.
Everytime I open up, it feels like as if I'm doing something wrong, something bad.
Maybe it's the trauma, yeah, maybe.
I'm a perfect disaster.
I emotionally overreact on silly things but I don't express them thoroughly.
So,
It's like
Holding a tsunami
Inside of you.
I shouldn't talk bad things about my parents.
They already think I'm a bad child.
My mom said that I have no hope in studying abroad when I don't even want to wash my own dishes, she said this at least three times.
My dad doesn't want me to go to college at all.
And my dream job requires me to go to a doctoral degree.
What a beautiful life I have here.
My life is built from scraps and pieces of leftovers, formed into a broken masterpiece.
I should be grateful anyways.
@Luchelle
I'm sorry... it must be tough when you don't know what's wrong or how to deal with it...
its hard...
its hard...
its...
...
meh...
sorry i guess i'm broken today...
its hard...
time will fix it though...
...
there is a girl that i consider like my older sister...
her uncle died... then her aunt...
i didn't know... until today....
i feel bad....
i didn't experience that... i wish i would never do... but i still feel it deeply... and its hard...
@AtomLight
Oh my gosh that sounds really awful ;-;
Hey hey, you're a strong person, do you know that?
You're not alone! You have God, you have me lingering around here. I understand that it may feel overwhelming, like your emotions are taking over you. But emotions are just like cloud, sometimes we just have to stop fighting and judging them and just accept and then feel them the way they are.
You are very welcomed to tell it all here :3
@Luchelle
thank you very much
they really are like clouds, i guess i'm better today, its just feels like there is something i'm supposed to be doing but i don't know what it is... like, did you have the feeling when you're suppsed to study for an exam tomorrow but instead you're watching tv or something? thats how i feel right now.
maybe its just how it is, maybe its just another cloud right?
i'm strong, i have God with me, and you supporting me... i can do so much... i can live happily even if everyone is nigative...
i guess i should take a rest to recharge, we're just humans after all right?
thanks for being here for me ^^
@AtomLight
Eh, it's no problem.
Yup, we really need to recharge e,e
@Luchelle
Good news my friend
i'm recharged heheh
how are you doing?
@AtomLight
Heyoww.
I'm like I've always been.
But hey, I found out what's wrong with me: I have ADHD.
No I'm not officially diagnosed with it yet (because my mom doesn't want to take me to a doctor), but ADHD e x p l a i n s all of my struggles. If it's not ADHD, then I'll just have to accept I'm ruining my own life.
@Luchelle
when i read ADHD i was like ' whaaa
@AtomLight
Gosh what did I do to deserve people like you ;-;
Well now, I'm not sure what would help me manage my symptoms with your help besides CBT. I haven't researched enough about it. Maybe you understanding ADHD more would help me? I don't know.
I also found out that people with ADHD tends to have RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) too and it REALLY EXPLAINS why I am so afraid of someone leaving me again (you can literally see it in my previous posts here). Perhaps, by just being there for me helps me too?
@Luchelle
yeah probably, i will try my best not to leave you.. but then you being afraid of someone leaving you is simply you're afraid of attachment results.. because if you're attached to someone that is not immortal you'll get hurt for sure.. the solution is to learn that is you don't let yourself get attached to people.. but you can love them.. now love is different you see.. when you love someone it means you feel happy for them being happy.. and you feel sad whenever something hurts them.. and you try your best to help them... and .. yes we cannot prevent ourselves from being too sad when they leave by death or another reason... but it wont be the end for us too.. we can recover and be happy for them that they hopefully went to the heavens before us..
you can be attached to someone that is immortal... God... if you believe in him good.. you'll see all the good... because he didn't creat you to suffer after all :)
@AtomLight
awweee I love your answer ;-;
oof, once I love someone (romantic or not) I love them too much lol.
@Luchelle
yeah love them good ^^
love heals the heart its so beautiful
Somebody please help me. I'm in a mess nobody could save. I can't tell my feelings without feeling guilty and I can't stand of this pain inside of me.
It hurts
It hurts so much
I don't know whose fault is it. Is it mine? Or is it hers?
It all started when I was being kind to her. She clung on me like a parasite. I can't tell her because she's too fragile. But she's not the right person for me so she drains the life out of me. I told her the truth, I told her. But she didn't change. Maybe it really is my fault. I am the one who's being too kind to her. I'm the coward who was too afraid to tell her the truth. I am the one who broke her, who add up her burden.
Why do I keep hurting people?
Why do I keel hurting the people I care the no matter what I do?
Why do people never understand me?
What is wrong with me?
It hurts, it hurts so much
I don't wanna feel numb but it hurts to have emotions
I don't have anyone to talk to now, I'm too delicate to talk to anyone about my heart
I'm slowly dying inside, somebody please save this unsaveable soul.
I'm slowly fading away and no one knows it
I'm trying my best to live, please, I'm trying my best to fuckng live.
It's hard to breathe. I'm suffocating on air.
@Luchelle
dear.. you got me to talk to me.. don't forget about me.. you're not alone..
yesterday i saw that message mom sent to me... it says.. if you felt that no one cares about you.. remember that there is billions of cells in your body.. and their only concern is you ^^
i'm actually facing your same problem these days.. while i'm with my work mate he simply tell me what he thinks about me.. he say out loud the wrong things i do and scream on me about it.. when he see anything that he don't like he tell about it without any problem... now when you look at me in these moments you'll find that i'm sad and annoyed about it.. because i used to think of others emotions before i talk.. and i care so much about others and if i made anyone sad or angry i would be very sorry...
but when i started to work with other people i saw how they speak without being so anxious about it.. and i said.. yeah, i need to lower down my sensitivity a little bit.. i'll be like them.. i'll get of some load off of my heart.. i'm still training though..
now for your situation.. maybe you can get harder on her a little tiny bit everyday.. so she get used to you without being harmed or shocked.. right?
i'm like you.. i feel soooo baad and guilty if someone got angry or sad because of me.. but wait.. what if the problem was in them and not in me? what if he's the one who's guilty? we're trying our best to be good and hey.. we deserve to be treated fairly too
@AtomLight
noOoOo, I wasnt forgetting about you D:
I did exactly what you said, I was mean to her a bit, day after day, but she assumed It's just the way I am, she thinks I'm cold and heartless.
But, perhaps the problem is really me, I mean, she's a kind person but she met the wrong person, which is me. I'm fairly good at keeping my temper cool, but idk why everything she does irritates me, no matter how many times I try to convince myself to like her, to understand her even. I know almost all of her life stories. I know almost all of her secrets. And I think I know her more than her parents do. It's funny that she doesn't even know how I feel during the day.
I hate myself for posting my 'bad' opinions about her in my instagram story, although I posted it in my close friend's list so only few can see.
It's hard for me to turn down my sensitivity, I can't turn it down, but I can shut it off completely which leaves a 'heartless' impression to other people. When I turn it on, everything micro gesture of the people I care about do matter to me a lot and it's wrecking my emotions in pieces. I can't entirely control it. How unfortunate am I haha.
@AtomLight
oh and, I feel sorry for the milion cells in my body though, cause i'm not taking care of them properly.
@Luchelle
don't worry i didn't misunderstand you.. i was just reminding you that you're not alone ^^
tbh i don't know how your friend act with you so i cannot actually tell what to do from my position.. but i know that in general.. for any relationship to be successful there must be giving from both sides of the relationship.. like... today she gave me her pen.. next time i give her mine.. or... today i let my friend open the window eventhough i want it close... tomorrow he let me close it.. and so on... in everything there's thinking aboyt others so life would be easier for everyone..
maybe its not applicable in your situation but.. it may help
anyways... if you didn't actually make peace with yourself it would say hard ya know.. your self is the first person you should be friends with.. and even more..
think about her in a good way.. put your hand on your chest where your heart is.. and think.. me.. i know you're kind.. i know you love good.. and hate bad..
i want you to be my friend.. i want us to love each others.. we know each other well.. nothing to hide between us.. we're strong together.. and you're my beautiful soul..
something like that.. you can say better words than me, i believe in you ^^
after you become true friends with yourself you can concentrate easier on other relations in your life. after all, how could you give love to someone if you don't love yourself!
my little sister.. *patting on your head* believe me.. you're special
@AtomLight
owo there's no need to change those words!
Wow, sometimes I don't understand why there are people as kind as you. I'm just too tired to mend my relationship with her. Is it okay to leave it be? Let the problem unfold itself? We sit next to each other so it's hard not to talk.
I'm barely swimming in this sea of depression, nobody told me how to swim and nobody told me how big the waves were.
@Luchelle
aand.. if a way didn't work with your friend.. try another.. after thinking about it a bit... sometimes we think that telling the truth will hurt.. but did we try it?
if you told her and she didn't seem to understand.. try telling her in a different way.. or different words..
about what irritates you from her.. think about it deeply.. why this thing she's doing irritates me? is it the action or her that annoy me so much? if its the action maybe you can tell her about it carefully... without appearing to be aggrissive to her.. if she didn't understand you might want to change your words or the way you talked to her
people are complicated.. and its a part of the psychologist job to understand how others think ^^ so.. you can experience what you like to do on your way of making a better relationship with her right?
@AtomLight
Yeah it is part of a psychologist's job.
Well I can't always be her psychologist at school. I can't always listen to her 9 hours a day, especially if I have ADHD and boredom is not good for me. I can't always be there for her because I have my own problems to deal with (school, family constanly fighting, mental illness), I don't have a single friend to talk to in real life but she has a LOT. She thinks that she's mature but maturity is when people hurt you and you decide to understand and haha she thinks she's the victim here. I feel like I'm the bad guy here. She's making me feel like I'm the bad guy. But I've endured this for 3 years. haha imagine that. My blood pressure is too low, I am sleep deprived, my parents keeps fighting, I am struggling with mental illnesses and imagine all of that, more than that, in the morning and I have to listen to her rant for 9 hours. Oh and i haven't even mentioned the teachers that makes my anxiety worse.
You don't know how many times I tried to tell her indirectly, you don't know how many times.
I'm just tired. I wanna let my relationship with her go. I'm trying my best to take care of myself and she's not helping.
You know, I thought maybe it's not her. Maybe it's just my frustration and self-hatred. Maybe it's because of my self-hatred that I'm blaming her.
It's hard to love myself when all my parents does is devalueing me.
@Luchelle
umm.. sorry i meant ... you got me to talk to you.. ^^ mistake
Why am I always tired???????
I eat healthy stuff
I try to move more than usual
I drink a lot
I meditate often
I tried spending less time on screen
I tried talking out how I feel
I tried everything but I still feel the same
I'm trying to write a story, dunno what, why, how, when, but I feel like doing it anyways, although it will end up unfinished. I have a lotta things to do lmao but I still keep procrastinating. I'm currently reading a book called "Yozakura" by Primadonna Angela. It's about two bestfriend's: One from Indonesia named Nila and the other is from Japan, her name is Akane, Akane has cancer and her life span is little, I'm very sure this book is sad, but that's okay. I love sadness, sadness is better than the emptiness I'm feeling now. Oh yeah, my love for art is coming back again, which means I'm drawing again, but not as frequent as 2 years ago.
You know, it kinda hurts when I spent 7 years looking for what's wrong with me and no one seems to care when I found it. It's the same as when a scientist made a great discovery and no one believed him. I'm not sure if I can survive any longer if I am left untreated like this. Apparently my mom doesn't believe mental illness can happen to everyone. SHe believes that praying could solve it. I know praying to God, asking for His help is good but, like they say, you have to pray and work at the same time or else you won't get to the result. I pray everyday, I pray at the morning everytime I start my day, I pary everytime I eat, I talk to Him in my head almost everytime, I pray to Him as I lay in my bed at night, crying. I go to church every Sunday. I read the bible, I contemplate about the verses. I've done everything, okay mom? But I can't get well without help. I know I'm bad at taking care of myself, but that's because I have ADHD and I feel bad for it too you know.
I don't know what made me like this.
Is it the internet? My friends? My family? My school? Or maybe it's myself?
My parents keeps talking about the end of the world, and the priests as well. Can they stop please? They make me so scared. I hate thinking about it. What if I end up in hell? What if I die very painfully? What if the people I love ends up in hell? I don't want to imgaine it, I don't wanna think about it, please just stop. I don't want to feel like everyday is my last, please don't. It terrifies me.
@Luchelle
oh my little sis... its okay, you don't have to think about life like that, thier opinions doesn't have to become your reality. think about your life like its the best life a human being have ever had, without you knowing it you'll find it real...
i know a lot of things about the end of the world... it really is scary and terrifying... the goal of you knowing this fact is just to be prepared so you don't end up with the evil side at that time... but who knows when will it come anyways? we can't live thinking about scary things all the time... its really enough to hear the story one or three times...
hmm... a story you say? i'm getting exited for it.. if you don't mind, can i read it? i would love to, really...
i usually don't say my bad opinions about things, so i don't hurt thier feelings, because i'm aware of the work they did to achieve that... for example.. the food mom cooks for us, i usually say 'thanks, its really good, the rice is so tasty ' or anything nice, now, mom likes to cook just for meee heheh... because i never make her down.. and when someone do this to you you get pumped up and next time you'll do your best for him /her because you feel nice for them... you know what i mean?
and also i love drawings, i'm not so good at drawing though, but i'm pretty good at imagining beautiful things, i wish i can find someone who can draw my mind so everyone can see what i imagine.. *looking at you*
i know that when things are going wrong its no ones fault... you have a beautiful soul and i'm sure its not your fault, you're always trying to be better and to help ypurself through this...
and i wont let you down unless i went down first... by the will of God... i will try my best to stay by your side and i'm very very happy to hear that you found the thing you was looking for for an entire 7 years! its a great thing and i bow to you my sis ^^
@Luchelle
oh my little sis... its okay, you don't have to think about life like that, thier opinions doesn't have to become your reality. think about your life like its the best life a human being have ever had, without you knowing it you'll find it real...
i know a lot of things about the end of the world... it really is scary and terrifying... the goal of you knowing this fact is just to be prepared so you don't end up with the evil side at that time... but who knows when will it come anyways? we can't live thinking about scary things all the time... its really enough to hear the story one or three times...
hmm... a story you say? i'm getting exited for it.. if you don't mind, can i read it? i would love to, really...
i usually don't say my bad opinions about things, so i don't hurt thier feelings, because i'm aware of the work they did to achieve that... for example.. the food mom cooks for us, i usually say 'thanks, its really good, the rice is so tasty ' or anything nice, now, mom likes to cook just for meee heheh... because i never make her down.. and when someone do this to you you get pumped up and next time you'll do your best for him /her because you feel nice for them... you know what i mean?
and also i love drawings, i'm not so good at drawing though, but i'm pretty good at imagining beautiful things, i wish i can find someone who can draw my mind so everyone can see what i imagine.. *looking at you*
i know that when things are going wrong its no ones fault... you have a beautiful soul and i'm sure its not your fault, you're always trying to be better and to help ypurself through this...
and i wont let you down unless i went down first... by the will of God... i will try my best to stay by your side and i'm very very happy to hear that you found the thing you was looking for for an entire 7 years! its a great thing and i bow to you my sis ^^
@AtomLight
Aaawewwwwwww thank you very much, big bro ;-;
I'll try to finish the story but my laptop isn't alive yet (still unusable).
Honestly, I don't know what to say at the moment.
I would love to draw for you!!! What do you want me to draw??
You know, I have an idea, what if I set up another account just to talk to you?
I'm sorry for replying late, didn't find the right time to do it.
@Luchelle
don't worry about being late i understand.
i think your account is good enough, but its up to you if you wanna creat another one
mmmm... what about this... can you draw..
you're in a big cave hall in a mountain which have a big big hole in one of its walls, you can see from that hall.. the sky with clouds everywhere and the sun sitting in the horizon... can you?
its okay if its hard. i know i myself can't drwa this ^^
@AtomLight
I have the perfect scenery about that in my head, I would LOVE to draw and I want to draw it digitally because it fits buT there's a lotta obstacles for it asjdhkasjhd so I need a lotta time ;-;
@Luchelle
then.. maybe you can show me every little progress? i wont judge anything untill its finished. or i'll wait for it till the end its okay with me too
@Luchelle
p. s. i liked that you're praying all the time.. keep it up.. i'm doing this as well ^^
@Luchelle
Hey! This is Ria smh, as I said I changed me username hehe. Lately I haven't been around a lot and have not been checking in with you as I used to. I don't think a sorry would be able to make up for it, so I figured I'd write a poem for you that I planned on writing weeks ago lol.
Time and distance keep the connection apart,
Makes one lonely and feel like they've lost a part.
Cherished moments is all everything becomes,
When the person you loved doesn't ever come.
You hold on to hope that they're alright,
You're worried about their health and hope they're holding on tight.
Sisters we've been though without meeting,
You've heard the silent times when I was weeping.
You wait for me to come back and tell you everything's alright,
I'm afraid that I think I'll give up, I just might.
I've seen art in you that doesn't deserve to be just hanged,
It's supposed to be treasured.
You're such a little angel with wings so bright,
I proudly say when there's darkness you've been my light.
I'm sorry that I don't come around mostly,
I might as well as become ghostly.
I care for you just the same,
I'm just afraid that I'm losing in some virtual game.
I'll be around somewhere close to you,
I won't go away and vanish out of the blue.
I'm sorry real life has kept me busy,
I'll hold you on days you feel dizzy.
I love you still just afraid to show too much,
When you cry, all I want to do is hug you and say "hush, hush"
@Moana22
I think i forgot hoW T o BR eA t h e
this is. . .. how do I say it
Amazing? Brilliant?
SJHDKSJHDKSDHLJKHSD I read this riGHT when I need it oh my gosh, Ria, thank you so much ;-;
*writes it all down in my book*
@Moana22
I thought you forgot about wanting to write me a poem asjkhdkajshdasjhd
thank you for writing it although you're busy and tired as heck ;-;
Time and distance keep the connection apart,
*curses at the time*
Makes one lonely and feel like they've lost a part.
Cherished moments is all everything becomes,
When the person you loved doesn't ever come.
You hold on to hope that they're alright,
You're worried about their health and hope they're holding on tight.
Don't worry, I'm worried about me too, and I worry about you worrying me so that makes me more worried and more worry means more worry for you, but if you worry more, I'll just worry even more and then the paradox keeps on going. BUt that's another story if you're worried about your own health asdhaksjdhlsjad
Sisters we've been though without meeting,
You've heard the silent times when I was weeping.
*squints eyes* *is suspicious* hAH, who am I kidding, I am always on the look out of people's woes
You wait for me to come back and tell you everything's alright,
I'm afraid that I think I'll give up, I just might.
RIA.
You are stRONG and resiliENT.
When that thing you're going through is overwhelming as heck and you feel as if you can't take it anymore.
That's when you show your shine.
One day in the future, you'll look back at this moment and be grateful for getting through it.
I've seen art in you that doesn't deserve to be just hanged,
It's supposed to be treasured.
Does that mean I have to burry it :0
Jk, jk xD
on second thought, it would be lovely to have my art hanged around at my funeral :0
You're such a little angel with wings so bright,
I wish I had wings
I proudly say when there's darkness you've been my light.
*shines flashlight to you while cheering for you*
I'm sorry that I don't come around mostly,
*le dramatic gasPS* how dare you not come around :0
smh, although my irrational fear won't listen, I get it uwu, because for some reason I am same in some ways
I might as well as become ghostly.
I care for you just the same,
;-;
I'm just afraid that I'm losing in some virtual game.
In virtual games, you die,
and then you respawn
and then try again.
I'll be around somewhere close to you,
*looks behind me* :0
I won't go away and vanish out of the blue.
*slaps my irrational fear with those words*
I'm sorry real life has kept me busy,
I'm sorry too
I'll hold you on days you feel dizzy.
But I feel dizzy everyday D:
I love you still just afraid to show too much,
This is funny because I am too. I guess we're all afraid :/ *shrugs*
When you cry, all I want to do is hug you and say "hush, hush"
*scoots away*
. . .
*scoots closer*
@Luchelle
This is wonderful, wow. <3
I read my previous entries in this thread and I am terrified because I can barely remember writing things like that.
Is that how bad my memory is?
All that's left is my feelings from writing them, they're still the same.
It's like as if someone else wrote them all and I could feel whatever they feel
Well no wonder I sometimes have no idea why I feel the way I feel at times.
Today was exhausting like always.
You know, at times like this, I should be happy, because nothing too bad happened today.
But I still feel the same.
@Luchelle
its very normal to feel the same when you read your bad memories... its the same for me when i read your posts too.. you'll also feel happy when you read happy memories or happy letter from a precious friend.. like the poem your sister wrote for you, right?
when i find my old sad writings i delete them because i want to end these feelings.. but when its a beautiful writing i treasure it.. save it to my laptop, to google drive, and put app lock for my note app on my phone xD
@AtomLight
Hehe, she's my sister from another mother :3.
I'm not sure if I can draw it soon because my finals are drawing near and things are getting harder to deal with.
@Luchelle
oh its okay you don't need to rush for it, i'll wait patiently for you ^^
do your best in the finals ^o^ your vacation is around the corner
@AtomLight
Hellow! It's me, but I can't seem to message you. Can you message me first?
@AtomLight I finished it!
@Luchelle
I... Loved it... so soo sooooo much > <
THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!!
SO beeeautiful
to be honest with you i imagened the hole bigger than this but i truely loved it i loved it i loved it i loved it
@Luchelle
is that you in the drawing :3
@Luchelle
aaaaaaaah its so beautiful > <
@AtomLight
ah well, yeah it is me xD you told me to put myself in the drawing riight? I even drew my real hairstyle there.
aWwwWw thank you verryyyy mcuh ;-;-;-;-;-;
well, I wanted the hole to be bigger as well but i dint why i drew it so small D:
@Luchelle
its okay i love it the way it came ^^ i liked your hairstyle too its so beautiful, would you like to draw another scene? i don't want to bother you because you told me you would be busy for finals.. so if you have time and want to draw just tell me okay? ^^
@AtomLight
I dont think i can draw anything at the moment ;-;-; sorryyy
@Luchelle
its alright dear ^^ wish you best >o<
@AtomLight
okay i might have put too much blood on mself there ;-;
@Luchelle
maybe and maybe not.. because its not so easy to get to that place
Wow how long has it been since ive posted anything here???
anyways, here's a quick update on my life:
graduated from mid school. Got a dog named Yuki (but things are very complicated so we re homed her to a better place). Got a new haircut (a very short one), i think im happy with it. Current fav song that speaks me https://youtu.be/74f_dqA70gM "Self Inflicted Achromatic."
Things are crap as always. Just recently made up my mind that I was (and probably am) emotionally abused by my parents.
Ya know, sometimes i wonder if someone who knows me in real life would read these forum posts if im gon e someday, or will it be forgotten? i dont know anyone who would care enough to do that.
idk if i ever mentioned this before but my friend Sharon is diagnosed with mild depression ahah and here i thought she was doing better than me. if shes got depression then wth am i.
im not quite sure if i really am okay or is it just me overthinking things and being dramatic about it. i feel like im barely swimming in the middle of the ocean. if it really is my fault for overreacting then i will accept that it is my fault.
i dont remember the last time i wasnt like this.
sometimes i worry how will my internet friends know if im gon e or not. they would think that ive only gone offline for something important and i doubt someone in real life would do the job of explaining to them for me.
@Luchelle
*hug*
I'm sorry you don't feel better, i still remember you and i searched for your thread because i wanted to check on you but i couldn't find it... i'm sorry
don't think you made me sad and its not your fault, i'm fine but its just like the human body, when your head hurts you your whole body will feel the pain, its like we're two parts for the same body
i listened to your fav song, to be honest its a sad song, i don't like people to think about life that way
so here, how about you try to change it a little bit? https://youtu.be/YrsMo8ZrWCY
i loved this music
i liked that you had a doggo, but then when you said you sent him to a better place i remembered the dog dad have, i wish we could just send her to a better place where she can be with other doggos and have a higher quality of food
its painful when you put it that way, that no one would read your threads if you're gone, or that people in real life would never know, just thinking about it make me wanna cry
but i really wanna cheer you up, can i?
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease
> <
wish i'm one of the people in your real life, maybe it would be easier for you
for sure there's someone like me somewhere overthere, just believe in that and you'll find him
*talking as if i'm an angel* silly me
i still have your drawing on my phone background ^^ didn't change it
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ecFFsdPzwbiw7LRPXv1cHdGJqC9DiVnQ/view?usp=sharing
live strong <3
@AtomLight
Awh, thanks for listening to my fav song! And your song sounds pretty :-: like in nature.
Oh gosh you still kept it as your wallpaper?? Im touched :-:-: thank you so muchh!!
You cheered me up a bit! Thank you so mucchhhhhh!!
@Luchelle
You're sooo welcome ^^ i'm happy for you
