@LoverOfTheOcean personal space

@LoverOfTheOcean

Yay for creating a personal space to share your thoughts and feelings. Sending love your way! ❤

You know those days where you feel okayish when you get up, and you get to doing things and all. Than out of nowhere your mood just, shifts?

Like today I had made some plans for myself, like cleaning some stuff, grocery shopping, journalling and whatever. Right before I was having lunch my mood shifted from okay to meh with this numb but heavy feeling. I don't know where it came from or what triggered it. Maybe I was up in my head too much, I tend to think a lot. Like a lot a lot. So I kinda forced myself to have lunch outside in the sun and journal some more. But the feeling is still sort of there. I'm not really feeling satisfied like I usually do after journalling. It's just meh with tiredness now. I don't know how else to explain it. It's annoying though, because I'm not done doing things. I want to do more things. Or maybe I'll take a small break or nap and do some more tonight. Because my body does feel exhausted. Yeah, I'm gonna take a break for a bit.

If anyone is reading this, I hope you're having a good day. And if that's too much, than have a day.

I don't even know how to deal with this anymore. We broke up last November, we'd still be friends though we we're still physical. My hopes were up high still, even though you told me not to. Than like a month ago you were all like, we should stop being physical. But still friends. And now you already have a new girlfriend even though you told me in the past months over again you weren't ready for a relationship. I guess it was me you weren't ready for. Now I'm left in tears again, in pain. It's like we broke up 3x since November. Or so it feels like to me.

Why is this so hard? Why is loving someone so hard? Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it hurt even more now he's found someone else? Anyone reading this please, tell me how I can ease the pain. All I can do is non stop crying now and it's exhausting. I don't want to cry about this anymore. I want to move forward.

It's been really hard to put on a smile lately. I have no motivation. Can't really get much fun out of work like I used to. Can't seem to focus much on stuff anymore. All I do is cry and think about everything I did wrong. And wish I was better and didn't make mistakes. And if there's a moment where I can put on a smile, it's like I'm not even there. I've been feeling slightly nauseous the entire day, and well, most of the past days as well. Since monday. I feel sick. Heartbroken. And I don't know how to fix it. And everyone tells me it will get better and if they can help me with anything than I should tell them. But the thing is, I don't know what I need at the moment. I just don't know anymore. All I want is for this feeling to pass. I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I'm so tired.

Just went for a walk with my mom, to sort of clear my mind. It's gotten less, the crying stopped. But I still feel like someone's squeezing my throat shut. Still so tired. Grateful for the last sunrays before the sun sets though, was nice and warm.

Ugh today was not my day either. Went to work, saw my grandmother cause she needed some stuff. When she asked how I was, I broke down. Luckily my boss is very nice and let me go home. I feel exhausted, heavy, empty. It's like I'm in a cloud of sadness the entire time.

I hate knowing that he's with her. I hate knowing that he doesn't want me anymore. I hate that I wasn't able to actually tell him how I feel. About all of this and about everything that has happened. The pain he's caused, the sadness. And yet I still daydream about us ever getting back together. Even if part if me doesn't want to. I hate having so much hope. I hate it.

Woke up around 3:30 this morning, did fall asleep again like 2 hours later. So wouldn't say I've had a good night's sleep, but I actually feel alright now.

I've got a high tea later this day and am excited to go. Also excited to wear my new shoes today. 😊

I shouldn't have looked her up. I shouldn't have, now I feel bad and made false conclusions. I feel stupid. For not thinking before talking. For having to know what she looks like. If she's better looking than me. Just so I could hurt myself. I feek so stupid.

Today was exhausting. Talked to my ex to tell him how I felt about what happened and the things I never told him in the first place. Long story short I told him that I needed to focus on myself for awhile and can't be friends atm. And that whenever I'm ready, I'll contact him. I cried a lot but I think it is a good dicision. Than had therapy, talked about that as well. Cried a lot more. My therapist also told me to write whatever I'm feeling, like putting everything into words and than label it as the emotion. Since I don't always recognize what I'm actually feeling. Like I found out that the way my ex treated me over the past months made me feel both sad and angry. I might not write it all out on here, but in my journal probably. But my therapist did make me realise that I don't have to carry all the guilt that I've put on my shoulders for thinking our breakup was my fault. Because it wasn't all my fault.

And than at volleyball practice I felt very tired emotionally, nothing really went the way I wanted it to go. Was frustrating. I guess that's anger. Also was sort of afraid that anyone would start a conversation about how I'm feeling and about therapy, since I don't remember sharing going to therapy with them before. Fear.

And than coming home I read the news that Sum41 are breaking up and that made me feel well sad, really. Few years ago I was supposed to see them at this three day festival (though I had a day ticket, for the day they were supposedly gonna play). And than a few weeks before, I believe, they changed days. Which made me feel sad as well.

You ever had a dream that was so good, that when you wake up you're disappointed it wasn't real? It sucks. I hugged one of my favorite band's leadsinger only to wake up realizing it didn't happen. It was a good dream though.

Is disappointment part of sadness? I think so.

So I actually feel alright atm. Idk telling my ex I don't want contact for a while has made it easier to let go I think. (Relief, what's that part of? Happiness?) Also been talking to someone new. But I don't know if that's like, too fast? We wanna meet up and that is making me slightly nervous though (fear, right?) Also have an online friend now, on 7cups, and that's been very nice. I feel less alone. Also bought tickets to a concert and that made me happy. Even though it's in December, I've got something to look forward to.

And than my parents are having a discussion about the same thing for the millionth time. My mom ends up crying. I bet she feels attacked. The way my dad talks, it's like he wants his way, it's like he has an angry voice or something. He probably doesn't mean it like that. But idk. I kinda feel upset now, now that my mom is crying and doesn't, I was gonna say talk about it. But while typing this, my mom and I hugged and talked a bit about it. I know how she feels. I hope she thinks about herself more. She deserves to feel accepted and be happy. sadness

When you start crying over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, but you see a loved one upset. Is that part of being a Highly Sensitive Person? Or is it because I've been in that situation many many times and just know the feeling?

Maybe it was both? Either way, I think it was normal for you to cry with her

Idk why but kinda have a knot in my stomach... Maybe because there's flashbacks of conversations with my ex and just seeing his face or maybe I'm already nervous for my date on Sunday or a combination of both. I hate it that there's days that go really well and me just minding my own business and than out of nowhere those thoughts. I hate it. (So we got fear, sadness and anger over here)

Every now and than I use this facial hair removal cream for my upper lip and every time after I use it I remember why I shouldn't. There's a bit of my upper lip that's irritated now, it's really annoying. And it looks stupid, because there's this red irritated stripe on my face now. And it also didn't even work properly... (More anger and disgust)Note to self: do not use that hair removal cream stuff, it's no good.

At least I got two concerts I'm looking forward to in the next week. (Joy) But also a bit strange, because I was supposed to go with my ex to one of them. Maybe that's the knot in my stomach. (Not sure how to categorize this feeling, maybe a combination of sadness and anger or just bad or something idk) And than there's stress from a load of stuff I have to study and make for work, and some of these questions are asked in a way that doesn't make sense. And looking up an answer takes so much time. (Part fear, but also bad)

I just realized I haven't even told anyone about my date. Maybe tomorrow?

Also hoping to get the house I applied for. Though my current position is 17, so 16 people have to turn it down before I get a change which is stressful and makes me sad as well. Because I want my own place sooo bad. (Joy but also sadness and anger)

Good luck with getting the house you want

When you already struggle with loneliness and your dad asks out of the blue "when are you going away for a weekend?". I haven't planned anything. I wasn't going to plan anything. But I do feel like sh*t now. So thanks for that. Like you really want me gone huh... Or so it feels to me. That's not helpful, it only hurts. A lot. Sadness all the way

I'm sorry to hear he made you feel like that, I hope you will feel better soon

@StarGazer2401 thanks. We talked it out. I do feel a bit better now :)

@LoverOfTheOcean
I'm glad to know that you're doing better now Ocean, good job on being able to talk it out with your dad btw, that must have taken some courage. Wish you the best of luck!

I had been through such bad situations of life I let everything go , tackled all the tough moments and feelings and anxiety alone. I just held my job with me and that's what keeping me safe and let me live. I didn't share my feelings with family or friends, have been enduring with restless mind since a decade. Now time has arrived for me to think how I should spend the rest of my life. Will I be able to move on alone till the end.

With no faith in love , will I be able to find my life partner Iin my midlife. This is kind of mixed feeling and it distracts me a lot .

@simi2561 That must've been very hard. I hope you've found someone to talk to. You are not alone. I hope your life will get easier for you and that you'll find someone to share it with. Sending virtual hugs ✨💙

I cannot see what I shared just now

Ty

Okay so I didn't know how to tell you this since you're gone (?), but @neo27 I hope I can reach you with this message. Sorry for not responding to your last message. I can understand that must've been painful after everything you've been through. I was going to answer, though I didn't really have the energy to message anyone really at the time. And I realized I should've told you that. So that you wouldn't make any assumptions. But I didn't, and I'm sorry for that.

I had therapy today and my therapist gave me a tip that I thought was really good and thought maybe you would like to hear it too. It goes: don't fill in for someone else. As in don't try to think you know what someone else is thinking. I know it's easier said than done, but I thought it was nice. If you get this message, I just want you to know that I'm still here for you if you want to talk. I might not be available 24/7, and I might not respond in the time you would like me to, but I'd still like to talk to you. If you still want to of course, if you don't, that's fine to. I just want you to know that everyone struggles with their own problems and most are more focused on themselves (me) because of their that. But that doesn't mean you're alone. 💙

Overall I feel alright ish. There's some waves of thoughts that make me feel sick (about ex)(disgust), but those are getting less, I think. Usually have them when I pass his home. Which doesn't happen a lot, but still happens sometimes. I have been talking to someone new though, and he seems really nice and sweet and we're gonna meet up next month. So that's good.joy

Have a busy week ahead. Lot of work and gotta make assignments for work as well (basically homework). And should clean one of my new plants, cause it's got some sort of bug on it. I've come to learn that being busy is listed as part of bad feelings in the wheel of emotions It's giving me itches all over when I think about it or see it (disgust?). Also have this rash/itchiness on my belly. Not sure what's causing it, but might be the new laundry detergent. And the last wisdom tooth that's trying to get through has been bugging me all day. Or well, I think it's trying to get through, just not in a very successful way... buy annoyance is anger

Today I helped my best friend move. I'm very tired, but happy I could help her out. (bad, but joy)And I think she and her fiancé are grateful for the help. The tiredness already started at like 3:30/4:00 am when I woke up. Than saw a spider near my head which terrified me, (Fear)and I couldn't fall back asleep for as long I could see it. Which was like, maybe, an hour or two later. So that was not helpful.

I'll try to sleep now. Tomorrow is another today. Goodnight💙

When you get hit with intense sadness all of a sudden. Can't sleep, my mind wanders off. Wanders off to my ex. Part of me still misses him, even though he hurt me bad emotionally. And I don't want him back. I just don't think he realized how much it all hurt me. That's what bothers me most. When you tried communicating in your own way, and than being told that it's not enough. Or not in the right way, for them. It just makes me feel so alone. Because whatever I did, whatever I tried, it was never good enough for him. And than he'd get upset or maybe even angry and that made me feel even worse. Like it was all my fault.

Right now I'm experiencing those past feelings again, having flashbacks of the moments. And it hurts, and it sucks. I don't understand how someone can move on so easily after a breakup. How someone can pretend to be your friend, pretend to be there for you, pretend to care for you. But giving false hope during. Telling me you love me after going to a concert, while we were trying to be friends after the breakup. And than later on telling me, "it was because the concert gave you so much serotonin, it was a spur of the moment". And always telling me from the breakup on, telling me you weren't for a relationship. Only for you to be in one again a month later, after the last time you told me that. You've hurt me badly. I feel used. I'm angry, and sad.

These moments make it so hard to move on in some way. Like I'm trying to focus on me, on what's in front of me. Only for my brain to go back to what used to be. I know time will heal, it's just hard atm. I do believe the part that misses my ex is getting smaller and smaller. But it can be tough when everything you do, everywhere you go, somehow reminds you of him. I'm not gonna say that I'm not grateful for meeting him. Because I am grateful I got to learn, even though it was a tough lesson. And still is.

@LoverOfTheOcean it wasn't all your fault Ocean, just want to remind you of that. I hope you can feel better again soon! Recovering is hard and it is not a straight line, there are curves to it.

@StarGazor2401 thank you for saying that. I know it's not all my fault, there's waves of feelings where my mind does blame me for it though. Thank you so much for your words though 💙

@LoverOfTheOcean yeah sadly it's hard to stop those thoughts, just wanted to remind you a bit~

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about my ex more lately. Thinking like, why did he treat me the way he did. Why didn't I see that I didn't feel safe telling him stuff in the first place but do see it now? Does he ever think of me as well? So many questions I wont get an answer to. Or is all this because I've been talking to someone lately and I really like talking to him, and I don't wanna *** up? Like, don't want to repeat what happened. It all comes in waves, these feelings. Plenty of moments where I don't think about my ex, but than night falls and I go to bed and thoughts rush back.

Uncertainty, I believe, comes from fear. But fear of what exactly?

@LoverOfTheOcean Dealing with mixed feelings about your ex while trying to maintain a friendship can be challenging. Please remember to be kind to yourself during this process. Focus on your well-being and take the time to heal and move forward. I believe you can do this, Gook Luck!!!

So I'm housesitting for my aunt and uncle, taking care of their plants and pets. Thing is last year I was here with my ex. It just hit me. I saw on social media that he's out somewhere. And I can't help but wonder why we couldn't go out to something when we were together. Why not? I'm sort of obsessing over it, thinking who is he with now? Even though I'm talking to a few guys. But like one of them, who I talk to every day basically, he just sort if reminds me if my ex. Like, asking for pictures of my face, he games as well, had a tough past. Sort of going fast with things, even though I told him to slow down. But he was understanding and backed down a bit. I just feel sick in my stomach, the knot is back... I miss him, but I don't? I've messaged my best friends about feeling sad and thinking about my ex now I'm in this house. One of them left me on read. The other hasn't seen it yet. I feel alone, ignored...

Maybe I'm scared it'll happen all over again. Me trying to open up again, only to get hurt in the end. When will I start to feel better again?

Emotions involved: sadness: lonely, abandoned, fear: rejected, insecure

Why am I so nosy sometimes? Why do I need to know where me ex is? He's moved on, he doesn't care about me anymore. So why do I care? Why do I still cry over him?

This guy that I'm talking to, we videochatted. Thing is a few days ago he already said "i love you" through text. We hadn't even seen each other or spoken on the phone before.. I told him that was too fast, he understood and apologized. We have videochatted now though. Was alright, I felt awkward as per usual. But he's really nice and sweet, thing is I don't have the butterfly feelings, yet? Like is that a bad sign? I do still want to meet up, see how that goes.

The crying stopped now, that's positive.

I'm tired. Focus on what's in front of you, Ocean. Keep making waves 💙

Been a while I think, last time I wrote here.

I just saw my dad do something that made me realize something. Or whatever. But he went to feed the cats, one of them can get really hangry. As in he'll lash out to you if he doesn't get food fast enough. My dad sort of got annoyed/angry I guess and picked him up and put him in a different room for a bit. So he could prepare the food.

Which made me think about the past. He did that too, to me. Now I didn't lash out, I just cried, a lot. But he'd sometimes even took me by my arm and sort of pulled me along to the stairs or to my room. For me to be alone with my emotions and feelings. Because I couldn't tell him and my mom what was going on, cause it felt like I was being choked. Like I was screaming on the inside but nothing came out. Which always made me cry even more. They just left me to deal with my feelings and emotions on my own.

So the cat was on the other side of the door, scratching, trying to get in. And all I could think was that I felt bad for him. Poor cat. And I just saw little me, crying. Alone in my room. Needing a hug or just someone to be there. Someone to hold me tight, saying that everything would be okay. And that they're not mad at me.

Those moments where you're supposedly surrounded by loved ones, but they don't know how to deal with emotions/feelings either. It's just very lonely.

Brb telling my inner child that everything will be okay and that I'm here for her. That nobody is mad at her, that other's reactions aren't her fault. And that she's doing the best she can. And I'm proud of what she's accomplished so far and just proud of her in general. All while hugging her💙

Recently I've experienced having sleep paralysis, again. Though it's been a while. It was kinda scary, but I realised quickly enough to know what was going on. There's also a lot going on right now. I moved to my own apartment, which has been very stressful. My home is chaotic and thus, so is my mind. The past month I haven't had a therapy session but one. We talked about beliefs and (automatic) thoughts. And what I came to realise is the following:

Core belief(s):

• I'm not enough/I'll never be enough

Apparently, I've been having panic attacks since I was young. All those moments where I was hyperventilating, panic consumed me on the inside. I’m a perfectionist, I care too much about many things. I’m afraid of conflict. I’m quiet, even though my mind is always racing thoughts. I daydream a lot. Like a lot a lot. I procrastinate. I don’t like hearing my voice, not in recordings and not when I’m talking. Introverted. If my body were to choose a fight, flight or freeze response, it would choose the latter. I shut down when people raise their voice at me, not being able to talk anymore. Which ultimately gets me stuck in a freeze/panic mode. Like a deer seeing headlights. I find it hard making decisions, because I’m afraid I’ll choose the wrong thing. I don’t like having to let people down (perfectionism). My go to response to hard questions is “I don’t know”, even though I know the answer. Sometimes I just don’t know how to word things, and need time to think about it. In a situation like that, I don’t respond well to pressure (result: freeze/panic). This all probably stems from my core belief.

Also been talking to some guy, I feel like I'm growing more and more towards. Problem is, we've been talking since summer I think. We've face timed once. We haven't met up in real life yet. He says he's working hard on himself, that he's not ready for a relationship. Which makes me question a lot of things. Does he want to meet at all? Why can he meet new people (through a friend though), but not meet me? I get it it's scary, but like, dude what are your intentions? What do you want? You said the distance between us is a thing, but you are willing to go to a party that's further away from you than me. What do you want from me?

As for today I'll be having a feedback conversation for therapy, maybe do some cleaning in my apartment. Taking things a day at a time, a moment at a time. And hopefully not overthink a lot.

Love, Ocean💙

How to deal with loneliness?

Due to the therapy session I had today, I realised that my expectations are too high. Enhancing negative feelings and thoughts, enhancing loneliness. Thinking back to my past, I've always felt it. Like I didn't belong, like I was behind on whatever it was that peers were experiencing. I don't think I've talked about it with someone before my therapist. When all your friends are in relationships and other people around you talk about a spouses and doing fun stuff together. It just makes me feel alone, left out. And then people say, "your time will come", which is such a sh*tty thing to say imo. It makes me jealous of others, asking myself "why can't I have that?" "What am I doing wrong?". I hope next therapy session will help. My therapist told me to get a cat or rabbit, so I've got someone waiting for me when I get back home.