@LoverOfTheOcean personal space

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about my ex more lately. Thinking like, why did he treat me the way he did. Why didn't I see that I didn't feel safe telling him stuff in the first place but do see it now? Does he ever think of me as well? So many questions I wont get an answer to. Or is all this because I've been talking to someone lately and I really like talking to him, and I don't wanna *** up? Like, don't want to repeat what happened. It all comes in waves, these feelings. Plenty of moments where I don't think about my ex, but than night falls and I go to bed and thoughts rush back.

Uncertainty, I believe, comes from fear. But fear of what exactly?

@LoverOfTheOcean Dealing with mixed feelings about your ex while trying to maintain a friendship can be challenging. Please remember to be kind to yourself during this process. Focus on your well-being and take the time to heal and move forward. I believe you can do this, Gook Luck!!!

So I'm housesitting for my aunt and uncle, taking care of their plants and pets. Thing is last year I was here with my ex. It just hit me. I saw on social media that he's out somewhere. And I can't help but wonder why we couldn't go out to something when we were together. Why not? I'm sort of obsessing over it, thinking who is he with now? Even though I'm talking to a few guys. But like one of them, who I talk to every day basically, he just sort if reminds me if my ex. Like, asking for pictures of my face, he games as well, had a tough past. Sort of going fast with things, even though I told him to slow down. But he was understanding and backed down a bit. I just feel sick in my stomach, the knot is back... I miss him, but I don't? I've messaged my best friends about feeling sad and thinking about my ex now I'm in this house. One of them left me on read. The other hasn't seen it yet. I feel alone, ignored...

Maybe I'm scared it'll happen all over again. Me trying to open up again, only to get hurt in the end. When will I start to feel better again?

Emotions involved: sadness: lonely, abandoned, fear: rejected, insecure

Why am I so nosy sometimes? Why do I need to know where me ex is? He's moved on, he doesn't care about me anymore. So why do I care? Why do I still cry over him?

This guy that I'm talking to, we videochatted. Thing is a few days ago he already said "i love you" through text. We hadn't even seen each other or spoken on the phone before.. I told him that was too fast, he understood and apologized. We have videochatted now though. Was alright, I felt awkward as per usual. But he's really nice and sweet, thing is I don't have the butterfly feelings, yet? Like is that a bad sign? I do still want to meet up, see how that goes.

The crying stopped now, that's positive.

I'm tired. Focus on what's in front of you, Ocean. Keep making waves 💙

Been a while I think, last time I wrote here.

I just saw my dad do something that made me realize something. Or whatever. But he went to feed the cats, one of them can get really hangry. As in he'll lash out to you if he doesn't get food fast enough. My dad sort of got annoyed/angry I guess and picked him up and put him in a different room for a bit. So he could prepare the food.

Which made me think about the past. He did that too, to me. Now I didn't lash out, I just cried, a lot. But he'd sometimes even took me by my arm and sort of pulled me along to the stairs or to my room. For me to be alone with my emotions and feelings. Because I couldn't tell him and my mom what was going on, cause it felt like I was being choked. Like I was screaming on the inside but nothing came out. Which always made me cry even more. They just left me to deal with my feelings and emotions on my own.

So the cat was on the other side of the door, scratching, trying to get in. And all I could think was that I felt bad for him. Poor cat. And I just saw little me, crying. Alone in my room. Needing a hug or just someone to be there. Someone to hold me tight, saying that everything would be okay. And that they're not mad at me.

Those moments where you're supposedly surrounded by loved ones, but they don't know how to deal with emotions/feelings either. It's just very lonely.

Brb telling my inner child that everything will be okay and that I'm here for her. That nobody is mad at her, that other's reactions aren't her fault. And that she's doing the best she can. And I'm proud of what she's accomplished so far and just proud of her in general. All while hugging her💙

Recently I've experienced having sleep paralysis, again. Though it's been a while. It was kinda scary, but I realised quickly enough to know what was going on. There's also a lot going on right now. I moved to my own apartment, which has been very stressful. My home is chaotic and thus, so is my mind. The past month I haven't had a therapy session but one. We talked about beliefs and (automatic) thoughts. And what I came to realise is the following:

Core belief(s):

• I'm not enough/I'll never be enough

Apparently, I've been having panic attacks since I was young. All those moments where I was hyperventilating, panic consumed me on the inside. I’m a perfectionist, I care too much about many things. I’m afraid of conflict. I’m quiet, even though my mind is always racing thoughts. I daydream a lot. Like a lot a lot. I procrastinate. I don’t like hearing my voice, not in recordings and not when I’m talking. Introverted. If my body were to choose a fight, flight or freeze response, it would choose the latter. I shut down when people raise their voice at me, not being able to talk anymore. Which ultimately gets me stuck in a freeze/panic mode. Like a deer seeing headlights. I find it hard making decisions, because I’m afraid I’ll choose the wrong thing. I don’t like having to let people down (perfectionism). My go to response to hard questions is “I don’t know”, even though I know the answer. Sometimes I just don’t know how to word things, and need time to think about it. In a situation like that, I don’t respond well to pressure (result: freeze/panic). This all probably stems from my core belief.

Also been talking to some guy, I feel like I'm growing more and more towards. Problem is, we've been talking since summer I think. We've face timed once. We haven't met up in real life yet. He says he's working hard on himself, that he's not ready for a relationship. Which makes me question a lot of things. Does he want to meet at all? Why can he meet new people (through a friend though), but not meet me? I get it it's scary, but like, dude what are your intentions? What do you want? You said the distance between us is a thing, but you are willing to go to a party that's further away from you than me. What do you want from me?

As for today I'll be having a feedback conversation for therapy, maybe do some cleaning in my apartment. Taking things a day at a time, a moment at a time. And hopefully not overthink a lot.

Love, Ocean💙

How to deal with loneliness?

Due to the therapy session I had today, I realised that my expectations are too high. Enhancing negative feelings and thoughts, enhancing loneliness. Thinking back to my past, I've always felt it. Like I didn't belong, like I was behind on whatever it was that peers were experiencing. I don't think I've talked about it with someone before my therapist. When all your friends are in relationships and other people around you talk about a spouses and doing fun stuff together. It just makes me feel alone, left out. And then people say, "your time will come", which is such a sh*tty thing to say imo. It makes me jealous of others, asking myself "why can't I have that?" "What am I doing wrong?". I hope next therapy session will help. My therapist told me to get a cat or rabbit, so I've got someone waiting for me when I get back home.