Last start over

@calmLake1999

Hello Lake. Thank you for finding the courage and strength to share your story here with us. I'd have to disagree with you when you said that you are "undeserving of support" because that is not true. You are deserving of support just like everyone else. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been the best right now for you. It is a huge plus that your adopted kitty gives you a reason to keep going when it seems like you can't go on. I am sure you are helping her just like she is helping you. I hear your struggle about finding and making a home that is safe and comfortable for you. That must not be an easy thing, but I do hope you are able to achieve that soon . Your feelings are valid and are heard by you writing this. You're doing the best thatt you can and that's all anyone or even you could ask for. Things don't have to make sense immediately, but taking it one day at a time will make the process and journey easier. I wish you the best and don't hesitate to reach out for support here

@calmLake1999

Hello ❤ Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. When i read the title of this post.. It inspired me.. Because i think everyone in life is struggling with something or the other.. Yes we don't realize it because we all are focused with our issues. This titke gave me hope to start over. It's okay if you are in a phase where you don't feel like you deserve support. But i just want to tell you that i am here and i am always willing to listen to you if you wish you can pm me ❤

Deep feelings and reflections tonight. Realising that the mistakes of my past, repeating the cycle was maybe me hoping to rewrite the darkness but in the desperation of hoping to change what I know, I unwillingly left myself more vulnerable and open to be reabused multiple times. The loneliness that aches inside me, that want to be loved or feel the sort of love I think or dream it'll be will not be filled by someone else beside myself. I think I need to learn to love who I am as a person or I'm vulnerable to falling into the same cycles with people and men. I need to heal from my past in order to move forward in my future, although I can't put my life on hold while I do this. I must try to do the things that make life calm and meaningful no matter how hard it may be. I need to learn to rest when my body is tired no matter how much my mind screams it is unsafe. I need to feed myself regularly in order to sustain some sort of energy. I need to rebuild the most basic human needs that I unconciously withheld from myself, whether out of routine, habit or familiarity, I can no longer sustain the cycles of abuse that were forced into me by others. It is my time to take control of my life. As hard as it is. I have hit bottom too many times. Last night almost deciding it was the end was enough to force me to see that I am standing in my own way just as much as the memories and nightmares that haunt me.

@mytwistedsoul @nonethewiser

I thought I'd share a pic of Shadow 😊

Sitting on the balcony in the cold dead of night brings a sense of stillness, sense of calm. Hearing the waves although I can not see them and I'm ready to sleep. It'd be easy to sleep comfortably out here, the cold night air and the sound of waves encourages a sense of safety that my bed will never give. Although it is never truly safe, sleep doesn't provide any safety, it provides horrors and terrors of things gone past. Sleep reminds and remembers the pains of the last. Within the sleep the feels of shame and filth permeate, every cell and nerve inside of this scarred and tainted skin. Waking with a sweat and feeling of being constricted, will this feeling ever pass? Or will it forever be conflicted. As I sit on this calm night, listening to the waves crash, I hope for the day where I can sleep undisturbed at last.

I realised today, I need to set myself goals. I need to start doing and stop thinking so often. My first goal is to make it a daily thing to get out into nature. I went for a swim today and really enjoyed the ice cold feel of the water. I need to stop letting my mind spin with thoughts of hatred and self doubt. Only I can fix this broken thought process. I need to see the worth in myself as it is me who needs to wake up and live in this life. As confusing as it may seem most days, I am not stuck in the past. I am no longer needing to just survive my situation, I need to start living my life. No longer will I let the words of hopelessness and defeat bring me down. I will not let those who hurt me take the last of my life. I will not be another statistic. I am stronger for coming out the other side of the darkness of the hell I endured. I survived and fought my way out of that, I will find that hope that is sitting somewhere inside hidden and I will bring it out to shine as bright as it can. My goal is to be the me that frightened little girl always hoped and wished I would be once I became bigger and got away from all the bad stuff. I am broken but piecing myself back together piece by piece, I may not ever look the same but I don't want to look the same. I want to look brighter than I could have ever imagined.

I have worked so hard the past week to change my mood and thought patterns. I find myself often falling into the same patterns but with shadows help have been coming out quicker than before. I'm a little proud of myself because I have been working hard to get out of the house often and get into nature. I have begun swimming again which really helps settle my mind even though it's still a bit cold for swimming it still feels soothing. Day by day working myself into the person I want to be

Feeling really low today, quiet and sad. Things don't get better for long before the darkness summons me back. Done with being this person that I am, the sad broken girl who easily finds those who want to hurt instead of help. Can't trust myself or anyone. Tired and broken, sad and crying.

I've observed the depression sinking in slowly within myself and I think it might be time for a new challenge, something to focus on besides work and therapy and shadow. I do try really hard on all these things but I still have so much time where it becomes too difficult to fight the intrusive thoughts. My intrusive thoughts have been spiralling into a dark, very dark level over the past couple of days. I'm not sure what I will try to pick up to fill in the extra time I have on my hands, I could work more shifts but that wouldn't be fair to my kitten and legally I can't permanently pick up more hours on my roster. What's hard is thinking how easily I let myself fall into an abusive relationship, (that is extremely hard to write or think but I have to name things for what they are). I was wanting the love and care that I had never felt before but how could I expect someone to give me love when I don't even know exactly what the good version of it is. When you spend most of your life living in a toxic environment and the idea of love was violence, manipulation and mind games how are you supposed to learn what good love is? When you do not know the meaning of intimacy? I think in some ways I am still very much stuck in the same mindsets as I was when I was younger. Things like pain, discomfort and mean words are normal to me, what is not normal is kindness and compassion and understanding, I get confused when someone offers that towards me, I do not understand how I deserve those things. I constantly wonder if people truly see who I am and feel like they will eventually figure me out and then they will treat me the same way I have been treated in the past, because I am used to that, I can somehow manage that...

i think I need to ground as I am spiralling while writing, though writing is probably better than letting myself spiral alone

Things are slightly improving again, pulled myself up and out of the spiral I was in. I am also studying again, I think I need to keep myself occupied as best as I'm able to, because than I don't have time to spiral. My kitten has been great with keeping me happy and distracted, although last night we both had a scare and I got triggered, but she was so scared and hiding under the lounge, I had to lure her out with treats and than sat with her giving her pats and cuddles like she needed. For myself I was struggling, I felt frozen last night and there was not much I could do, but helping her helped calm me down enough to sleep so I guess that's a positive. I wonder to myself though if I do take too much on, as I'm startibf to study full time as well as work full time, and going to therapy once a week, maybe I need to organise my time better or something. But I also realise that I need to keep busy to keep motivated