Last start over
This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her.
My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time.
I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse.
I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
My whole sense of safety has just be ripped from underneath me. I had just become comfortable with living with my partner and adjusting to that life, but today he sprung it on me that his father is moving in with us because he has nowhere else to go. When ive tried talking with him about it, hes like what else can we do hes got nowhere to go, and that its not going to be a huge change. I feel stuck and unheard. I obviously cant let his dad become homeless but its also a huge change for me to have to live with two men, its been a hard enough adjustment with my partner and i mostly trust and feel safe with him. I feel like im being overdramatic but a part of my brain is so scared of this, how am i supposed to sleep, or eat, or shower, or get changed. I am so overwhelmed and spiralling with no one to turn to about it, which also hurts cause hes supposed to be my support
