In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

@mytwistedsoul

Oh I'm so sorry soul, thinking of you

@mytwistedsoul i am with u as well Twist. Thinkin of u my friend.

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul sending you big hugs, you are in my thoughts

@mytwistedsoul *offering safe hugs*

I am sorry, I know it is really tough to go through that. We are here for you if there is anything we may be able to help with.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm so sorry :( thinking of all of you and sitting with you 💙💙💙

@mytwistedsoul I'm so sorry to hear this.... I know what it feels like to make that call. Thinking of you in this difficult time

@mytwistedsoul- just read this post. Sending you hearfelt condolences on your loss- makes me tear up thinking someone else is going through furbaby loss. Big hugs.

@barncat Thank you

Just an open thank you to everyone for your thoughts and hugs

I greatly appreciate each and everyone of you

Thank you

For all my good intentions - alot of what I touch turns to sh*t. So I guess maybe I should have known nothing about last week would be easy

The vet couldn't get her in - this stupid virus - and of course my state is one of the ones with a tyrant for a governor. So our lockdown is more of a pain in the a** then others. When we first found out about the cancer - we were told there was two options - outside in a peaceful setting *yes please* or inside. Unfortunately - they stopped the outside one and the inside - we couldn't go in with her. Seems wrong doesn't it? Just drop your dog off to be put to sleep but say your good byes in the parking lot - but they couldn't get her in anyway - the hours had been dropped back again and they had some in house virus issues

Debates raged - there were two other options - the pet emergency or in home. A clinical setting or home. The in home had been looked into in the beginning but the horror stories they were telling made it seem like a bad idea. The in home place was actually referred to by the vet - but still the debate raged. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Finally - late wednesday afternoon a call was made to the in home place. They had a recording that due to higher then normal calls it would be alittl before someone could take the call - so I left a message. Less then two hours later a very soft spoken woman called back and while they couldn't get someone out that day - they could have someone there in the morning. So we kept her comfortable - she had plenty of lala pills - so hopefully she wasn't in any pain - god I worry about that - that she was suffering silently and that it was our fault because of it

So - ya know - it's funny - they say about if the holidays suck to make new memories and make it better. Our new memory is having our friend put to sleep on Thanksgiving - not likely to forget this anniversary anytime soon

Taz - our other furry friend spent the first few days whining and looking throughout the house for Kodie - coming up and whining and looking at me as if I was hiding her somewhere or knew where she was hiding and it broke my heart - so Sunday morning we thought maybe getting out and away from the house would be good for everyone - so we got things together and grabbed a tent and went camping - only to have it snow and get freaking cold out - guess I should have checked the weather before hand - once again shows my five star planning

The house is quieter - emptier and I've caught myself thinking I still see her on her bed out of the corner of my eye. I miss hearing her talk

I'm glad we had the extra time with her - the vet said a month but we got an extra month and a half and I am grateful for the time - but I think it lulled us into a false sense of - Idk - I'm not sure if it can be called hope - just maybe some sense of that it would turn out differently - I'm not sure how tbh - Maybe it was just denial - we were grieving before and had depression - add to it the SAD on top of the grieving and the depression - Man I am rocking the black clothes - black soul thing. Alot of numbness - except for anger - at myself and the others. Any motivation has been buried in the back yard and I'm quite content to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling fan - no raquetballs required - just me and Tazzer and I don't think either one of us really understands the why's of any of this but I do seriously wonder if I am cursed or paying for something - yeah yeah - dramatic - spend sometime in my head ;)

Unfortunately -

@mytwistedsoul Unfortunately lol - my train of thought derailed *smh*

@mytwistedsoul You and your pet companions have been in my thoughts. I hope you are doing ok ❤️

@hillsideblues Thank you - I've just been falling back on old bad habits and letting the insecurities get the best of me. I hope you're doing ok too

Tunes

Wage War - Prison
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNQayAqEgak

Volbeat - Die To Live
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBZi7JIdSps

Written By Wolves - Explode
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VLx9Xf8oxE

Written By Wolves - Apathy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu00QUZTWmg

Volbeat - Leviathon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irElLp4eG7I

Volbeat - Sorry Sack of Bones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgD8bUisGP0

Had a dentist appointment today - finally. Should have had one in April - but covid. Had just started heading home when I got a call from the vets. Her ashes were ready to be picked up. They're in a beautiful plain cherry box urn. So we picked her up and brought her home. It was allmost as hard and I'm feeling - Idk - just a swirl of different emotions I guess - but kind of leaning more towards numb - but Idk - maybe not

Really tired of not being able to sleep

Step outside into the cold to soothe your swollen head

Packed with emotions and things left unsaid

Focus on the silence surrounding you instead

Breathe deep in shuddering breaths and ignore the voices in your head

🐾

@mytwistedsoul

This is really nice, A :)

To the wonderful people who visit this thread, Thank you. For all the times you left a kind word and a gentle thought. There is so much confined in the walls of the words here. So many emotions, thoughts.

This has been a hard year, for all of us. In our own ways, we have tried and failed, laughed and cried. People have stopped in and left, a few have lingered. You're all perfect. I know you're all shaking your heads right now. But you are perfect as you are. With all the cracks, rips and tears. All the tarnish and flaws. You are perfect because you are you and no one can be a better you than you. Do you see?

To @NoneTheWiser : I wish so many good things for you. To accept that you are so much better then you think you are. You are so deserving and worthy of love, of peace. You give so much of yourself to this site and the people you talk to. So many give you so little in return. For that I am sorry. We need to do better by you. Good friends are hard to find.

@Redmark : we haven't spoken much but I have read many of your words. You are such a good person, you have given people so much here just by how you can relate to them and your gentle way of talking with them. You're beautiful. I hope you see that one day.

@ThePizza : You've been a good friend. Better then you think you have. You're such a clever, wise person. I know you may feel lost and adrift right now but I have all the faith in the world that you will figure things out.

@crimsonLime6525 : You've been running through my mind. I wish for you to find .... peace. To use your voice, to yell at the world. To rage at it if you'd like to. Believe me, it can take it. It's heard from my part of the world many times. You deserve to be heard. You are worthy.

@intelligentWheel627 : you tuck yourself away under that invisibility cloak of yours but every now and again I think I catch a glimpse of a scarf you've been knitting. It's ok to have good days and be silly. It's ok to have bad days and snarl. You're human. You're beautiful as you are.

@Hillsideblues : you have such a gentle way about you. There is a great deal of intelligence in you and you are anything but slow. Your parent is missing out by not enjoying you as the beautiful person you are.

I apologize for not tagging everyone personally. It's not you, it's me and the fact that I don't have enough of a read on you to be able to reply more personally. When I see the names here, even though I may not know you well, there are words that come to mind. Courage, strength, perseverance. You all have these, more than you know. Every day that you rise and put on that tarnished ,dented armor only to take it off and do it again the next day. That is what makes you so amazing. I wish for you all a Happy New Year. Filled with peace, love, joy and happiness, with a little mischief thrown in for good measure. Let's not forget good health, because we can all use some of that, cant we?

From me and my crew. To you and yours. Peace, love, paws.

Logan

(I apologize if I over step or misspoke. I have no wish to upset anyone, this was all said with the best of intentions)

@mytwistedsoul Happy New Year, Twist. I hope that you have a great year ahead as well. Glad to have met ya. Cheers!

@PerfectStorm426 Thank you.

@NoneTheWiser You're welcome and thank you, for being who you are. Your openmindedness has been so wonderful. Your acceptance and willingness to get to know us is a wonderful thing to find. It has been both a pleasure and a privilege to talk with you and get to know you. We are truely grateful to be able to call you a friend. For all that you are, thank you. May 2021 be a year of healing for you as well.

Happy new year - may 2021 be a year of promise and hope for all of us. Just think- we survived 2020 together.

@barncat Thank you, I apologize for replying so late. I hope your new year has been going well.

@mytwistedsoul- thank you for the new year's "hope all is well". Honestly it feels like so far 2021 has been a roller coaster!!

@barncat You're welcome! I think you're right it does feel like a roller coaster. I'm half afraid to say that I don't think we've seen anything yet unfortunately

@mytwistedsoul I hope things have been ok. I hope for lots of blessings for you ❤️

@hillsideblues Thank you, in all honesty things have been a little difficult, but I think I may understand some of it a little better. I hope that you're doing okay.

@NoneTheWiser These are awesome! Thank You so much ! Even got Snoopy doing his thing!

@NoneTheWiser- these are just too cute for words. Can't decide which is my favorite- maybe the wolf pile!!

visions getting hazy

think I'm going crazy

just wanted to say I can't forget

our hearts and minds don't connect

can't fall asleep

spend weeks at a time staying up every night

trying our best to overcome

building a home that we can run away from

you got it all wrong

maybe we're meant to stay broken all along

Why is it you can't never find anything when you're looking for it?

James Earl Jones said to let not your heart be troubled

Hate to tell ya Jim but my heart is plenty troubled

@mytwistedsoul

@hillsideblues :) Thank you

@mytwistedsoul

💙💙💙

@ThePizza Thank you M :)

Just wanted to stop by and leave you a safe hug. You've been on my mind recently ❤️

@crimsonLime6525 Thank you Lime :) It's so nice to see you - I could use a safe hug. You've been in my thoughts