In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

@mytwistedsoul sitting here with you

@admaiorasemper ty

@mytwistedsoul

@mytwistedsoul

https://imgur.com/a/exzuNCn

@ThePizza ty

@mytwistedsoul

Sitting with you ❤️ your not alone

To save the body you have to remove the heart.

Being quiet is easy isn't it? Too easy. It's breaking the silence thats the hard part. I need to get that back.

Maybe it starts when you're little - at least it did with me. Never having a say about anything - when you tried to you were severely reprimanded for it. We become our own secret keepers - for the family too. But then you have people who brag all the time - which is more about their insecurities then it is anything else. The bragging and comparisons - idk. It's a puzzle I guess - I could go on but - then people want to claim you're triangulating - so. But I'll assume that most people probably know who I'm referring to - so I guess thats a big consideration - it's gone on long enough - too long. And I have tried many times and quite honestly - I'm tired of the bullshit

I've been under alot of stress the past week or so. I mean - I'm usually pretty stressed but things add on to it. An abuser died last week and I haven't really wrapped my mind around it yet.It just lead to alot of thoughts about family and how we've been the scapegoats for everyone. Remembering comments about how she did the best she could and shouldn't blame herself for how we turned out. The sideways glances toward us - as they talk amoung themselves about how screwed up we are. They don't realize that the hearing here is superb. They don't realize that we see and notice everything in our surroundings. They don't realize that it was they themselves that made us the monsters we are. Another piece of bullshit I'm tired of

There's fear and concern about the dogs - especially Kodie. She had a cough a few weekes ago - maybe longer - time lately seems - off. The cough had went away on it's on - but it started again.It's not an all the time cough - just a few times a day but it's scary. Other than that her breathing isn't labored. And well her birthday is coming up on the ninth of this month - she'll be eleven - I think. And there's concern about her heart or if it's cancer. and while it's comforting to know she has had a good life there is alot of fear about having to let her go. Even just thinking about it and mentioning it here brings tears. we're not ready for this - but is anyone ever? The vet said to keep an eye on her. She has an appointment for the end of the month to get her lyme shot and they allways give her a check up. I know she has packed on a few pounds since she can't get around so good anymore. But the visit - Idk - this virus crap has it that they take the dogs into the office themselves - without the owners and we're not comfortable with that. Maybe til then - idk - we'll see I guess. Other then the cough - she seems fairly good. Still has trouble with the steps - so we never her let her do them without help

So - Idk - guess we'll see if this is maybe the start of - something. Breaking the silence maybe

@mytwistedsoul break that silence, Twist. Speak loud and proud. You are awesome. Hoping for the best for your friend there 💫

@PerfectStorm426 Hey Storm! :) How are you? It's really nice to see you around again. Thank you - I'm trying - probably not too hard though tbh lol

Old age and animals and people - Idk - really seems to suck

@mytwistedsoul 😎 I am ok i guess. I am here off an on. Sometimes i just gotta write something out on my diary page to cope with something. Most times i nev post it, but just putting thoughts to words helps me deal with it. Suppose u could say i have allot of inner turbulence at the moment that may or may not be building to somethin bad, so I feel safe here. Yet I try to get thru the bumps by myself. Cups is a power up of sorts (mario mushroom lol) for me. And so is supporting others that i care about. I am glad u guys have all stuck together. Y'all may not see it, but there is always a glow around u guys posts. Magic circle kinda thing. Pretty dam special. 👍🏻 Makes me feel good to know that good people such as yourself still exist somewhere. Keep on keepin on🤘🏻

@PerfectStorm426 I'm glad to hear that you're sort of ok. I had to laugh because I write and delete so much stuff it's crazy sometimes. I know it does help to write it out though and I'm glad you try to do it. I really understand the inner turbulence - idk- some days I feel like I'm a walking contradiction. I hope that what ever is building up doesn't get away from you. I hope you'll remember that there are people here that - even though we only know each other here - we do still care about you and we're allways willing to listen

LOL! That light must be what draws the cockroaches :)

Stay cool Storm

@mytwistedsoul I am sorry to hear about your dog. You sound really carrying and I think your dog is lucky to have you as a companion!

carring*

@hillsideblues Thank you for saying that :) she's a good dog - they help keep ya going each day - ya know?

@mytwistedsoul YES! They are always with you through thick or thin, no matter what!

@mytwistedsoul

It is so easy to stay quiet. Or maybe it's not easy, but its not as hard as speaking out. Especially if in the past speaking out had negative consequences. That's exactly how I would describe it too-- breaking the silence-- it feels like a block. You try to write but can't think of the words or you tell yourself that no one wants to read or hear it, it's just petty complaining, others have it worse, that you're bothering people, that you're just an attention seeker. It is okay to isolate for some period of time, I think. Or maybe it's not good but that's just what I tell myself because I can't help but do it lol. Eventually though the isolation is toxic and its good to get assurance from the people you're close with or trust that they don't agree with your negative perspective of yourself, even if you don't agree.

Going back and forth with a person is draining. And I understand why you would be tired of it.

I'm sure that death will take some time to process. And you are definitely allowed to take time for processing that. I imagine there are a lot of mixed feelings about it. You all heard hurtful comments about yourselves that were uncalled for. Sitting with you all on that.

I hope that Kodie continues to do alright. She sounds like an amazing dog. I don't know if your vet would agree to this, but maybe you guys can suggest going in with her with a mask on or something? Although-- more stress about having to ask them that probably-- idk. You're right, I don't think anyone is ever ready for that, but hopefully you won't need to go through that for a while longer.

This is a great start to breaking the silence :)

@ThePizza Oh yeah all the time - thinking no-one wants to hear or didn't I just complain about this last week? Yesterday? I get tired of hearing myself - so I guess I figure wveryone else does too. I do like to hear you though M - no matter how trivial or petty you think it might be.

Over a year - lol. NTW knows - she's had to put up with it too unfortunately. I know - well - I guess I worry that it seems as though we're attacking him or going after him - we aren't. Most of his stuff ends up deleted because it's just nasty stuff. It does take alot of energy though

She is an awesome dog :) I think you guys would really like her. She so gentle - even for a big dog. Tbh - I'd offer to wear a hazmat suit if they wanted lol!

Thank you M - for your kind words - for caring - even though I know you're going through your own stuff. You're allways a thought here M

@mytwistedsoul

Funny how these things are one-sided isn't it? We feel as though we're a burden for sharing with others but never feel that others are a burden when they share-- yet still it is so hard to grasp the fact that no, there are many people who do not consider me a burden. Even though I still don't believe that's true sometimes. And I think another thing contributing to that is the feeling that I've tricked everyone into thinking I'm better than I actually am. Or that I know the most about myself and really hate who I am. But anyway, point is the same is true for you all, I'm always happy to read what you guys have to say, and it never tires me-- I mean it sucks when things aren't going well for you but all the same it's nice to hear from you-- maybe that's a little selfish of me idk.

That whole situation kinda confuses me tbh

Hazmat suits are probably the peak of fashion these days! You'd fit right in hahha. Give her some pets for me :)

@ThePizza Thank you M :)

Tbh- the whole thing confuses me too

LOL - let's not give them any more ideas :) soon we'll see the corona line - designed by Pete Pandemic

@mytwistedsoul

Im sure hes already producing designer masks! We better wear a mask on our foreheads too if we continue thinking about the virus hahaha

Random thought # 1,236,592

Who decided toilet paper needed butterflies on it?

@mytwistedsoul Probably to make them look fancy. xD

@hillsideblues Lol! You're probably right - it has little flowers on it too

@NoneTheWiser Lol! So delicate - like using one ply right?

@NoneTheWiser Just saw a butterfly - first thought was oh! Emergency toilet paper supply LMAO!

@mytwistedsoul I find it funny how only truely self centered assholes assume that everything is about them. Even toilet paper. So amazingly pathetic and weak. Especially for someone who claims they are so strong. What a joke.

@mytwistedsoul Since subterfuge has to do with deceit I suppose they would know all about that. Projection lol!

@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul

Does this mean that instead of getting butterflies in your stomach, there are rolls of toilet paper fluttering around?

@ThePizza Lol! It could be! Half empty rolls just fluttering around

This has got to be one of the goofiest conversations I've had in awhile LOL!

It cuts both ways. No matter what you do

This lonely place. In dreams of solitude

Still I can never choose between the two

As motivation slips from view

@mytwistedsoul Just wanted to say hi

I know that you have been through some really tough things lately and it is completely fine to take your time and process it however long it may take, I just want you to know that you are not alone in this :)

*offering safe hugs* - no pressure, just in case you want one

@redmark Hey Red :) It's nice to see you. Thank you for the reminder - I forget sometimes that I'm not alone and can reach out to people here. Idk - I tend to listen to the anxiety or depression and isolate - kind of like if you can't say anything good don't say anything at all

Thank you for the hug :) I have become much better about them now

@mytwistedsoul I know that anxiety and depression can be tough. At least I have similar experiences as well when I just want to isolate myself from everyone and everything, especially when I am struggling. I mean, it definitel is just hard some days.

Just remember tho, that you are not a burden and we do love you just the way you are, even if you may not feel the best at some days. You are important and deserve to be heard and cared for, no matter what. :)

*offering safe hugs*

@redmark Thank you Red - for your kind words and gentle reminder. I'm sorry you deal with the anxiety and depression too. It is hard - when you want to reach out and everything inside is all but screaming that you shouldn't say a word. Hopefully with time all of us here on Cups get better with the anxiety and depression and feel comfortable enough to ask for help

Stay awesome Red :)

@mytwistedsoul

I think we have to hyperlink it (select the "🔗" symbol, next to Bold/Italics, and enter the desired link in the pop-up box that comes up)

The linkified URLs are:

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rVQGT01Kzg

2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FN6WmXSPbAk

I'm sorry you found it frustrating-it is a bit of a work-around :( but it's been that way for as long as I remember.

(P.S: I'm sorry if for writing in your space, I did not know how else I could let you know)

@loyalTree3713 Thank you! This - grrr- every change just frustrates me more. No worries - no need to be sorry you're welcome here. I'll have to try it out in alittle

Thanks again!

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you<3

And yes, as far as I know-we've always had to hyperlink URLs to ensure they redirected. Haha-a trial run sounds pretty interesting!
Absolutely no worries~:)

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you<3

And yes, as far as I know-we've always had to hyperlink URLs to ensure they redirected. Haha-a trial run sounds pretty interesting!
Absolutely no worries~:)

@loyalTree3713 I allways just copied and pasted lol

So this isn't new? Lol!