In The Gloaming TW *just in case*
With the tragic loss of the feed and after much debate and discussion. It's been decided to create a new thread. Soul space so to speak. A journal of sorts.
A place where I can dump some of the nonsense that goes on in my head.
While replies are welcome - they aren't necessary.
Shinedown - Bully
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7NVxAMQn_I
Shinedown - ANWTD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOeg7pSPDNc
Set it Off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oniytGOUi3c
Seether - Beg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYs8bHdqMoc
Godsmack - Cryin' Like a Bitch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eXIOK2vOhM
Salvia - Click Click Boom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfjTZLxekig
Adelita's Way - Notorious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS4tFJ7AbM0
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You tore me down and the pieces fell like rain
You sat and watched me slowly disappear
I reached for you to save me but you were no where near
Time has past, only instinct and innocence remain
I tried to find the answers deep inside my fears
But what is found is lost again as soon as it appears
Embracing the pain inside my soul
I reach inside your silence to steal what you don't show
Can you hear me whispering, am I all alone?
@mytwistedsoul
@mytwistedsoul
Sitting with you ❤️ your not alone
Being quiet is easy isn't it? Too easy. It's breaking the silence thats the hard part. I need to get that back.
Maybe it starts when you're little - at least it did with me. Never having a say about anything - when you tried to you were severely reprimanded for it. We become our own secret keepers - for the family too. But then you have people who brag all the time - which is more about their insecurities then it is anything else. The bragging and comparisons - idk. It's a puzzle I guess - I could go on but - then people want to claim you're triangulating - so. But I'll assume that most people probably know who I'm referring to - so I guess thats a big consideration - it's gone on long enough - too long. And I have tried many times and quite honestly - I'm tired of the bullshit
I've been under alot of stress the past week or so. I mean - I'm usually pretty stressed but things add on to it. An abuser died last week and I haven't really wrapped my mind around it yet.It just lead to alot of thoughts about family and how we've been the scapegoats for everyone. Remembering comments about how she did the best she could and shouldn't blame herself for how we turned out. The sideways glances toward us - as they talk amoung themselves about how screwed up we are. They don't realize that the hearing here is superb. They don't realize that we see and notice everything in our surroundings. They don't realize that it was they themselves that made us the monsters we are. Another piece of bullshit I'm tired of
There's fear and concern about the dogs - especially Kodie. She had a cough a few weekes ago - maybe longer - time lately seems - off. The cough had went away on it's on - but it started again.It's not an all the time cough - just a few times a day but it's scary. Other than that her breathing isn't labored. And well her birthday is coming up on the ninth of this month - she'll be eleven - I think. And there's concern about her heart or if it's cancer. and while it's comforting to know she has had a good life there is alot of fear about having to let her go. Even just thinking about it and mentioning it here brings tears. we're not ready for this - but is anyone ever? The vet said to keep an eye on her. She has an appointment for the end of the month to get her lyme shot and they allways give her a check up. I know she has packed on a few pounds since she can't get around so good anymore. But the visit - Idk - this virus crap has it that they take the dogs into the office themselves - without the owners and we're not comfortable with that. Maybe til then - idk - we'll see I guess. Other then the cough - she seems fairly good. Still has trouble with the steps - so we never her let her do them without help
So - Idk - guess we'll see if this is maybe the start of - something. Breaking the silence maybe
@mytwistedsoul
It is so easy to stay quiet. Or maybe it's not easy, but its not as hard as speaking out. Especially if in the past speaking out had negative consequences. That's exactly how I would describe it too-- breaking the silence-- it feels like a block. You try to write but can't think of the words or you tell yourself that no one wants to read or hear it, it's just petty complaining, others have it worse, that you're bothering people, that you're just an attention seeker. It is okay to isolate for some period of time, I think. Or maybe it's not good but that's just what I tell myself because I can't help but do it lol. Eventually though the isolation is toxic and its good to get assurance from the people you're close with or trust that they don't agree with your negative perspective of yourself, even if you don't agree.
Going back and forth with a person is draining. And I understand why you would be tired of it.
I'm sure that death will take some time to process. And you are definitely allowed to take time for processing that. I imagine there are a lot of mixed feelings about it. You all heard hurtful comments about yourselves that were uncalled for. Sitting with you all on that.
I hope that Kodie continues to do alright. She sounds like an amazing dog. I don't know if your vet would agree to this, but maybe you guys can suggest going in with her with a mask on or something? Although-- more stress about having to ask them that probably-- idk. You're right, I don't think anyone is ever ready for that, but hopefully you won't need to go through that for a while longer.
This is a great start to breaking the silence :)
@ThePizza Oh yeah all the time - thinking no-one wants to hear or didn't I just complain about this last week? Yesterday? I get tired of hearing myself - so I guess I figure wveryone else does too. I do like to hear you though M - no matter how trivial or petty you think it might be.
Over a year - lol. NTW knows - she's had to put up with it too unfortunately. I know - well - I guess I worry that it seems as though we're attacking him or going after him - we aren't. Most of his stuff ends up deleted because it's just nasty stuff. It does take alot of energy though
She is an awesome dog :) I think you guys would really like her. She so gentle - even for a big dog. Tbh - I'd offer to wear a hazmat suit if they wanted lol!
Thank you M - for your kind words - for caring - even though I know you're going through your own stuff. You're allways a thought here M
@mytwistedsoul
Funny how these things are one-sided isn't it? We feel as though we're a burden for sharing with others but never feel that others are a burden when they share-- yet still it is so hard to grasp the fact that no, there are many people who do not consider me a burden. Even though I still don't believe that's true sometimes. And I think another thing contributing to that is the feeling that I've tricked everyone into thinking I'm better than I actually am. Or that I know the most about myself and really hate who I am. But anyway, point is the same is true for you all, I'm always happy to read what you guys have to say, and it never tires me-- I mean it sucks when things aren't going well for you but all the same it's nice to hear from you-- maybe that's a little selfish of me idk.
That whole situation kinda confuses me tbh
Hazmat suits are probably the peak of fashion these days! You'd fit right in hahha. Give her some pets for me :)
@ThePizza Thank you M :)
Tbh- the whole thing confuses me too
LOL - let's not give them any more ideas :) soon we'll see the corona line - designed by Pete Pandemic
@mytwistedsoul
Im sure hes already producing designer masks! We better wear a mask on our foreheads too if we continue thinking about the virus hahaha
@mytwistedsoul break that silence, Twist. Speak loud and proud. You are awesome. Hoping for the best for your friend there 💫
@PerfectStorm426 Hey Storm! :) How are you? It's really nice to see you around again. Thank you - I'm trying - probably not too hard though tbh lol
Old age and animals and people - Idk - really seems to suck
@mytwistedsoul 😎 I am ok i guess. I am here off an on. Sometimes i just gotta write something out on my diary page to cope with something. Most times i nev post it, but just putting thoughts to words helps me deal with it. Suppose u could say i have allot of inner turbulence at the moment that may or may not be building to somethin bad, so I feel safe here. Yet I try to get thru the bumps by myself. Cups is a power up of sorts (mario mushroom lol) for me. And so is supporting others that i care about. I am glad u guys have all stuck together. Y'all may not see it, but there is always a glow around u guys posts. Magic circle kinda thing. Pretty dam special. 👍🏻 Makes me feel good to know that good people such as yourself still exist somewhere. Keep on keepin on🤘🏻
@PerfectStorm426 I'm glad to hear that you're sort of ok. I had to laugh because I write and delete so much stuff it's crazy sometimes. I know it does help to write it out though and I'm glad you try to do it. I really understand the inner turbulence - idk- some days I feel like I'm a walking contradiction. I hope that what ever is building up doesn't get away from you. I hope you'll remember that there are people here that - even though we only know each other here - we do still care about you and we're allways willing to listen
LOL! That light must be what draws the cockroaches :)
Stay cool Storm
@mytwistedsoul I am sorry to hear about your dog. You sound really carrying and I think your dog is lucky to have you as a companion!
carring*
@hillsideblues Thank you for saying that :) she's a good dog - they help keep ya going each day - ya know?
@mytwistedsoul YES! They are always with you through thick or thin, no matter what!
Random thought # 1,236,592
Who decided toilet paper needed butterflies on it?
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Does this mean that instead of getting butterflies in your stomach, there are rolls of toilet paper fluttering around?
