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In The Gloaming TW *just in case*
With the tragic loss of the feed and after much debate and discussion. It's been decided to create a new thread. Soul space so to speak. A journal of sorts.
A place where I can dump some of the nonsense that goes on in my head.
While replies are welcome - they aren't necessary.
Never have I dealt with anything my difficult than my own soul - *typed this into my browser - next website was - How to sell your soul in six easy steps. Lol - interesting
I've been having a problem with emotions and urges. Seems with emotions there is no halfway - it seems like they're either all the way on - which makes me an emotional wreck or I shut them down and shove them away. I honestly have no idea how to deal with this. I tried a few things but - failure - Idk maybe I'm not trying hard enough - maybe I just need to lt it be - let myself be a wreck
Urges - it isn't just from emotional pain - sometimes it's there because I want to feel something. Anything is better than nothing right?
I post things I'm working on or things I've done on imgur. People say how nice things look - I don't see it. I see a flash of it sometimes but it never stays. Idk - how to feel any pride in what I do. To me it all looks like sh*t and I'm wasting time. Time that could be spent doing - Idk - something more constructive. I know some of this is influenced by the Queen
I've been withdrawing more and more and I'm not sure how to stop that either. Alot of it - I think - is the inability to know how to explain things. The words are there but without paper and crayons to draw stick figures - they don't seem to make sense. Or I feel like I'm just going over and over the same things. Stuck on repeat. I get tired of hearing it - so everyone else has to too. There's times I get so restless and uncomfortable in my own skin - that leads to - well - thoughts. If I could peel it off - ya know? Maybe I would be more comfortable. But I know thats probably not a good idea. Some of it - well writing here brings attention - which attention seeking isn't a good thing but yet it's sort of the purpose to places like this - right? I mean we're all here for - something. So Idk - I have mixed feelings about it. I think some of it is - just needing to keep secrets. There are alot of secrets in the family - I may have been the biggest one. I really don't understand why the whole family hates me - this sits heavy sometimes
This f**king virus - man what a mess. Everyone is freak out mode. This whole self isolation thing - I was trying to stop doing that - now the government wants everyone to. And while it's understood why - for some of us it's counter productive. I'm so glad I live where I do though because - no neighbors lol - I got the whole mountain to myself. Funny thing is - now I don't have to speak out loud - lol. So when I do - it comes out all croaky - because I haven't used it in awhile
Idk - I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do about myself lol. Idk how to lose the feeling that everything I touch turns to sh*t. How to lose the feeling of being a loser - might be helpful if I didn't hear it every d*mn day. She got me again this morning - J! Jesus christ you're late again! Instant awake - heart pounding and halfway dressed before you realize - it's all in your head
Having trouble with one of the younger ones - P. Seems he's mean to the other younger ones. I don't think he trusts any of us - except maybe Logan but then again maybe not -since I have heard him tell Logan to f**k off
Idk - guess that's it - mind went blank
@mytwistedsoul
(You are so lucky to have the mountain by yourself...my forever dream to live in the mountains, on the seas, on a river, away from people...I feel your torment...I let go of secrets and fears because I have nothing to lose but I feel sad to see your torments...)
@OldSerendipityBoat I think I would like to live by the sea. The steady rhythmic sound of the waves would be calming.
@mytwistedsoul
Extremely calming and embracing...I find her soothing even in her wrathful storms...the sea is magical...has my soul in it...
@mytwistedsoul (in my language, the sea is feminin in gender...)
@OldSerendipityBoat As it should be for something so beautiful.
@mytwistedsoul I don't know if it matters but I'm still here, if you don't mind, reading your every word. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew how to comfort you but I don't. It's been ages since I last replied. I just keep sitting here with you quietly and I keep caring. <3
@intelligentWheel627 Hey Rinny :) How are you?
Of course it matters - you matter too. Tbh - I've often thought to reach out to you - just to let you know you've been on my mind and in my thoughts - but I usually talk myself out of it because I worry about - Idk - overstepping somehow or just being annoying lol
Are you still knitting that scarf?
@mytwistedsoul Hey Soul, it's nice to see you smiling! :) I have my good days and bad days and worse days. Same old story.
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. You have been in mine as well. Please try not to worry. I'm ALWAYS happy to hear from you. I mean it.
The scarf is so long that it can even fit a giraffe. 🦒😋
@intelligentWheel627 I can understand that - too many bad and worse days. The good days too far and few in between.
I bet giraffes must get really bad sore throats. So they probably needs scarfs or it could maybe be an elephant trunk warmer
Why feed team members - when we have no feed?
Weren't we supposed to have a new feed type substance by now?
@mytwistedsoul
(Yeah right, my words and thoughts exactly, at least we have each other, another lie, another deceipt...)
slowly 'round the raven flies
scours the trees where they hide
the beast it threatens, you won't survive
Ok - who switched on the emotions?
Weepy was not how I planned on being today
Ugh
they hated each other
it was plain 2 c
the only time they could ever agree
was when they talked
about how much they hated me
we hid in the shadows
lurked and listened
while they had their discussions in the lit kitchen
had 2 b ready
had 2 b prepared
always know where she is
never caught unaware
quiet as church mice in the dark of night
try 2 stay hidden
out of mind
out of sight
@mytwistedsoul (this is so beautifully written and it fits me as a child with my so called "parents"...very emotional poem and I like the way you played with 2 and letters, so clever...)
Got an - Idk - angry depression going on. Ya know? One of those things where everything seems to just completely piss you off. Big - little - doesn't matter - insta-pissed - just add - life. A rattitude
Where's the truth?
Where does it lie?
All this smoke is burning my eyes
Fear on the left, fear on the right
Money is power and power decides
Some are more equal than others
Call in my drugs
Make me alright
And legalize whatever gets me high
They preach the blood, in fear we trust
Embellish it, it sells itself
And I bought in for the last time
They repeat a lie 'til it become a fact
We gotta burn it down so we can build it back
Maze of mirror, house of cards
You fix the fight, rigged from the start
The bottom line is above our heads
Employ the flies
To build your web
Sick of this shit, sick of these lies
They all deny, deny, deny
Nothing More - Let 'em Burn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPb2_glC8kA
"I'm not saying noone likes you"
"I never said you were an a**hole. I said you're acting like one. You just have a**hole like tendencies"
Headache -
Worried maybe I'm giving the wrong information - of inadvertantly f**king someone's life up - thats my big word for the day lol
I swear - the info is to the best of my knowledge and understanding of it
Idk - let's overthink it shall we?
Managed to find some poison ivy allready - yay me!
Flight Paths - Shallow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJN2x2NMyto
@mytwistedsoul (I like the song alot and the scenery is stunning and that was a wolf mask? Please tell me sincerely if it bothers you if I write in your thread and then I will only make my comments in the "cafe")
@OldSerendipityBoat I'm glad you liked the song :) Nah - you're fine Bones - I don't mind your replies. I kind of think it is a wolf mask - they don't really show it fully for long but it does look like one
@mytwistedsoul
I wishfully think it was 😉, liked everything about the song alot...😶
@mytwistedsoul (🐾🐾🐾 I simply love the song...)
@OldSerendipityBoat I'm glad you like it :)
@mytwistedsoul my four dirty paws are with you🐾🐾...
@mytwistedsoul yeey, spring is here🤗😁😀
@mytwistedsoul
I wish they would makean animation movie after the song...it begs for a movieto be made after it....
@OldSerendipityBoat It would be really awesome - I wonder who we could talk to about something like that. I might have to look into it - see if I can find someone to make something better to go with it
@mytwistedsoul
The tech computer animation wizzards😀and passionate artists amd of course the band to make the sound track...
@admaiorasemper Thank you
*munches on some chocolate* :)
@mytwistedsoul I was certainly waiting for this!🤗😁😀🐭🐁🐀🐰🐇🐇😀 so joyful