Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
I need a way out of this. I can't talk about it anymore. I shouldn't talk anymore
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm
I'm going to sit here for awhile if that's ok - we can both maybe find comfort in the silence. I've found though - that if we keep quiet though - it doesn't feel any better - it doesn't make us feel better. It seems like it festers inside. I mean - I don't want to seem like I'm pushing you to talk about anything you're uncomfortable with but sometimes it helps. It helps to speak the truth -
@mytwistedsoul
Hi soul, thank you for sitting with me. Keeping quiet just seems like the safest bet now. I regret the moment I start talking about things.
@calmLake1999 I do too - tbh. I think sometimes I regret it because saying it makes it real. Idk - I do understand where you're coming from though. I call it post and panic :) That omg moment where you ask yourself - why did I say that?
Curiously numb and floating today, I know I was at work today, I know I did manage to get to the shops to get some milk at some point. I think I'm somehow losing weight besides some parts of my body, probably an indicator that I need to eat more. I hurt my wrist at some point not sure if I did it last night or today or idk when. It's aching but that's ok can move past that. Decisions still weigh in but the numbness is good, floating and will deal with decisions later. Freaked the other night I know, mood swings have been in full effect and worse than before. I cry for random reasons and then become angry and grumpy not sure if it's to do with decision that needs to be made or overwhelmed from life that is. Desperately needing sleep. Nightmares are different now. Still intense but different. More nightmares of what might happen instead of what has happened. Don't know if that's progress or not. Ah hopefully I sleep peacefully tonight but unlikely. Meh such is life I suppose. Still wishing someone could make the decision for me but that's something I must face. Adulting is hard and sometimes having choices is not easy. Maybe cause I don't know how to make choices for myself cause they were always taken from me. Too much writing I think.
Best wishes as you find that inner voice of yours.
I made my decision as hard as it is, I think that this decision is the right one for me. It's hard to stick to this decision but I guess I don't have much time to keep hiding from what I need to do.
Going offline for a couple of days while I manage things. I don't know how I'll get through or if I'll have the strength to come back on. I feel defeated and tired so I'm not sure what the future will hold at this moment. I'm just trying to get through tonight at this moment as my decision hangs firmly over my head, circling my mind continuously.
Sending lots of love and care to those who might want or need it. I thank everyone for their support and care towards me throughout the tough days ❤️
@calmLake1999 I wish you all the best Calm. Know you'll be in my thoughts often -
I'm sorry - I wish I had better words for you right now
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Just a reflective post. I am making it through each day. Unfortunately turning to old coping mechanisms, eating bare minimal, only because I've almost passed out while being at work or else I probably wouldn't have. I think I've been punishing myself because this wasn't a possibility that was on my mind and I was stupid to not even think about it. I've been fighting hard against the darkness of my mind, telling me I'm worthless and this life isn't for me. I've been trying so hard to fight against it. Doing the lesser of two evils which is still not great, but I guess I'm still here so that's something right? Meh I dunno, doesn't really seem to matter all that much. I've been panicky alot lately, scared and a ball of emotion. But today I'm apathetic I guess would be the word. I'm at a point where I guess alot doesn't seem to matter anymore. I've just gotta keep pushing through despite so desperately wanting to give up, give in or whatever. The decision has been made so there's no turning back from that, but I guess I've been cruel to my body so that maybe the universe will see that I don't want to have to make this decision. It'd be easier for it to just be done with naturally instead of sticking to the things that need to be done. Argh I wanna scream. Why does life have to be so complicated? Why can't it just be done instead?
Life and people can be so cruel. But every now and then someone comes along and shows kindness and compassion. Maybe that's where real humanity lives. Inside those who choose to be kind and compassionate against the odds
Today is a dark day with a touch of light. My body hasn't been very well last night and today but it might just be doing what needs to be done. But have I been very wrong in being harsh? I will never know. This was forced upon me, I didn't really ever have a choice
So much guilt. Why do I choose bad paths in life. Bad partners, bad choices. Always bad. Selfish and worthless being I am.
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm :) it's nice to see you
I don't think you're selfish or worthless. Maybe - Idk - maybe it's not us making bad path choices. Maybe we're misguided sometimes or misdirected. Kind of led astray by by the bad choices of others - ya know? Maybe for whatever reason those paths intersect for alittle - I hope it's not supposed be a life lesson because - Idk about you but I've had enough of those - but Idk maybe it is - sorry I seem to have mixed feelings about that
@mytwistedsoul
Hi soul. I get mixed feelings too about life lessons and I'm not sure what to think of things that have happened if they are lessons or not. But I do feel like I've made bad choices that led me here. And I'm feeling so guilty that it's hard to breathe, I feel kind of like a monster because I made a selfish choice and did bad things to try and force myself out of a decision
@calmLake1999 Do you feel it was selfish because it pertained to you and you alone? Or Idk - sometimes those are the only choices we have to take. And I know alot of times anything that we feel is in our best interests feels selfish. I mean - Idk - the circumstances of the choices you had or why but maybe it was the best you had at the time - ya know? That probably doesn't help much does it?
OK so - listen - ok? I know I only know you on here and it hasn't been for very long but you seem to have a very good heart. You aren't out to hurt anyone and it was never your intention. Yeah - there will be mistakes along the way - some mistakes may seem huge but Idk - it doesn't label you as a monster - not to me. Not to Wise either I'm sure and I trust her judgement. She's know you longer - yeah? Sometimes we have to do incredibly hard things - things we wouldn't wish on anyone else - and those hard things are what show how strong we are. And with everything you've gone through and everything you're going through now - you are so brave - I know it doesn't feel that way right now - but I am in awe of your bravery
@nonethewiser @mytwistedsoul
I just wanted to thank you both for sitting with me and offering me your words. I am sorry that I'm not able to accept those words at the moment, I need to work through this and sitting in this place of self hatred and judgement is where I am at which I can't shake, or don't see the point in shaking. I feel like it's kind of deserved for what I have done. I dunno like punishing myself for choosing this path.
Anyways thank you both, I hope your doing ok, I appreciate and am so grateful to have met you both here. ❤️
@calmLake1999 You're welcome - you've nothing to apologize for ok? I understand why you can't accept those words and I understand the self hatred. It is something that unfortunately you need to work through yourself. But I support you no matter what and I'm allways happy to sit with you Calm :) You'll be in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Lol I feel like apologizing for apologising :/ I will try to work through it, one moment at a time
@calmLake1999 Lol - I do that too! I'm sorry seems to be the go to thing - ya know? I think you're a wonderful person - yeah I know too that you don't think so. Its ok - ok? Wise will back me up on that thought ;)
I'm glad to have met you too - I really am :)
@mytwistedsoul
I always feel like I need to apologize, I dunno if it's just an inbuilt thing now that will never leave. I've said I'm sorry for so long for everything that it just stays there.
And thank you, even though in my head I'm fighting that idea of me being a somewhat good person, that wonderful seems very far fetched but I'll thank you nonetheless lol @nonethewiser
@calmLake1999 My therapist says theres a number of reasons why for it. Anxiety - insecurities - low self-esteem but for many - if there's a back ground abuse - it's to come across as submissive and powerless - we're basically apologizing for our existence. We do it to seem - Idk - unintrusive - for alot of us we worry we're bothering people with our things - so we apologize in case they think it's silly or unimportant - lol - Ha Doc Z - I do pay attention sometimes ;) Supposedly with time as our self esteem get's better - Eventually anyway - we'll stop doing it so much. I think they call it sorry symdrome lol
That concludes my TedTalk lol