Finding my voice again

I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.

It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.

I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.