Can't do this alone
Find myself gravitating back to 7 cups trying to make sense of the new normal. So many life changes in the last 2 years. Wondering if I have the "strength" to wade through this biggest hurdle of global pandemic. Feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Looking for balance and especially Patience.
Well, woke up way too early- so tired- couldnt go back to sleep. This has been a pattern last week. so many worries and fretfulness. Dont see anything postivie in my life right now. Ouch= that may be a little strong- feels that way when i write it down. Yesterday did a litttle journaling. My mind is self destructing- always looking for the negative thngs and picking and picking on them. Perhaps come up for air and hunt for the small positives. Truly are so many- but now i am overwhelmed with stupid things i procrastinated - and am suffering the consequences. Simply want someone to be with me as i pour through the mess- would love to have someone in the room and hold my hand = say it is OK. I am here with you to help you get through this chaos. Literally. And the covid has shut the door for my usual resources. when will it end.
@barncat - (Platy nods, 'loudly!') YES so much, dear cat. I agree. Sometimes my phone is helpful for that - for at least then I can HEAR my close friend, or someone from church, or my mom or my brother, examples. But I agree with you on the physical presence too. Like a lot! I appreciate SOOOO much the (now 2) friends who have hugged me in the last 10-12 weeks. I think if I went on here, in that train of thought, I could be in tears rather quickly. If I had myself an awesome plane, for I have not yet mastered the flying on my own, I think I know a guy .... lol. But I would! Come down, hang out w you and barn cats and horses and hubby(? I think, sorry I'm not remembering this just now). But especially w you! And we could do whatev's haha. Even if that means literally sitting (so totally closer than 6ft/2m :P ) next to you. That's it! I'm unsure about you, but sometimes I just want to be *with* someone! Not necessarily to have a conversation, but to literally be in the similar space and just be with that person - in silence or in listening to radio or talking .... Have I explained that well? aka Does that make sense?
Prayers please, for Platy! Tomorrow, well today, Wednesday May 13, I have a dentist appt at 2pm. Usually that's no big deal at all, but this time? Dr. blocked off two hours, and he will work on two teeth, a root canal each :( Yes, I'm scared. No, I've not had a root canal before. I need to go to bed and instead I am up now worrying and writing on 7cups. So, I guess ... that's all and Good Night. #PrayersPlease ~Platy
mind playing circuit reverberation- endless rehashing what is wrong/ incomplete and lacking. feeling abandoned by my spouse- wanting him home- wishing he would leave- cant make up my mind . tired of being alone - again- every day- going crazy- cant sleep- want to sleep my life away
maybe i really should concentrate on the fantastic things in my life- ah but they are just things. and when we are gone, noone cares about our stuff. how did our society get so obsessed with acquisition of material wealth. it is love and people that matter. and now cant even spend time with people. what is the answer. i am tired of my mental chatter
now it is almost the middle of may- somehow made it to this date intact. Still feel so isolated even though been able to connect with some soul almost daily. It just feels so weird- cant shake off the sense of despair. Why do I feel this way and others are flourishing. Must just be time to get over the pity party of uncertainty and enjoy each day for its own blessings.
Curiously it is easier to type on this diary rather than write in my journal- a bit more impersonal as typing is universal. and handwriting is individual. Each day is a struggle to climb out of bed and find a reason to go on. Nothing seems to give me solace or peace. Off and on through the years depression has reared its ugly head. But now the whole body of depression is sitting right next to me. I read somewhre that we are supposed to write until the pain is gone. I wonder how long i will have to type before the hurt gets easier. At least it is doable to type instead of write. No where in my life is simple and uncomplicated. How did it get so convoluted and expensive. All those material objects ask for attention. And now there is no way to move the mountains of stuff on.
@barncat
We must remember to self care, forget responsibilities for the length of a good movie, or stand up comedy act. I know its hard to allow ourselves to enjoy something.....but we simply must make time for ourselves for some enjoyment
Blessings👍😊
@juliak1968- so after reading your post i looked up comedy on Netflix and found some funny tv series. Thank you for that simple suggestion. Maybe watching Criminal Minds was a terrible idea. I hope you are getting through each day also. Big cat hugs.
@barncat
Big Cat Hugs
(Really big cat) H U G S
@juliak1968- THANK you for the big cat hugs. My therapist was able to help me wade through issues last year. Right now I am really at wits end and just cant motivate during the covid changes- it feels like adding insult to injury. I was just starting to recover from losses and changes. Each day is so so hard to get up and put one foot in front of the other. I am not sure therapy is enough.
@barncat
I just got a new therapist who is very educated and who has lots of experience with issues like mine, tsd, depression, manic, etc. This is my first real (sit in the same room) therapy. I noticed that quickly i just liked feeling somebody genuinely cares, but then i also quickly reminded myself of the struggles ive done alone, and i plan on really listening to her, and not getting lazy now that i have this awesome help. She is making me understand how help works, such as what role each person has and to hold each accountable to their duties, including myself. Ive been suffering more constantly lately and i think its because im thinking and trying to un-wrap my mind from some old ways of thinking, and trying to let the hope im seeing begin to thrive. Stay hopeful and grateful. We finally have the help and now we have to keep our eyes on the prize 😊👍
@juliak1968- you have no idea how uplifting it was to get your reply. Oh yes- I wasnt going to check in on 7 cups again this morning- but so glad i did. Your description of not being lazy- to realize that others feel the same way. I have been avoiding the "work" of getting better. So I emailed back to my therapist- now i have further steps to take- but your reminder puts it in perspective. THank you so very much- we will take this journey one day at a time.
@barncat
Thats great to hear ive talked you into joining us back on our path. We need to walk with a freind and give eachother a gentle push some times. Im ready and going for it 3 days straight, but then need that "Me" day to watch a movie or sit at my bench in peace 😁 the price is wonderful, but we should also enjoy the journey too 👍
@juliak1968- the day is sunny - and i will put my best foot forward today. It is all we have- to be here now. Thank you for the lovely colorful showers . I think every color is precious.
@barncat
My head needed today off, and my body was worn out from helping a freind install a shower door. By 2 i was asleep but by 2:30 i was back awake because one of the guys knocked and ran. I guess its payback from when we did that to a house when i was 6 yrs old........lolz, but i was 6 yrs old😲
Glad to have freinds to talk about all we see and learn on nature's-mental-health path!🖒🖒♩🎶🎵
@juliak1968- omg i just realized got my days mixed up- was supposed to have appt with online therapist tomorrow at 0800- and rescheduled it for 1300 on 6/3- thinking it was thursday. How could i be so stupid and forgetful- guess it will be up to me to set things right. I had always been organized for my appts before.
@barncat
As they do say......shhhhhhh it happens. Im realizing all the pressure we put on ourselves (and others) makes for higher pressures and less joys, so we should really try to practice for very regular mindfullness like about every 30 minutes, finding a way to deregulate on a schedule. I think we can retrain ourselves to have real good control. Its a good goal to try for. Turning off stress, anxiery, and ptsd symptoms really could be sovery helpful. No worries when an appointmwnt gwts missed, they do it to us, and we are equals. My last 3 phone appointments were all late and i had to call to get them to honor their appointments. I owe them a no show or 2 down the road lolz
Dont sweat the little things😊
Have a nice night - Blessings!🖒🎶🎵🎼♩
@juliak1968- trying to get back on track- finally sat down and did some of my therapy goal setting- about time!! It is so easy to distract myself with other stuff- that doesnt matter- and avoid the hard work of self exploration. Yikes. Thinking about your journey too. Take care.
@barncat
Im happy to have a face to face appointment tomorrow with my new therapist, thete was a problem with my insurance so she changed her prices from $130 to $30, so i could still see her. I just feel like im in excellent hands and she sees and knows how to fix me up right, so im trusting and doing everything she reccommends from now on. It really feels good to have somebody to help guide us back to a full life. Ill enjoy the journey and focus humbley because my way of my getting in my own way cant ever work 😊 I hope you are lucky and have found a good counseler too
Blessings 🖒
@juliak1968- sounds like you have a good start on your new life journey. I really intended on making changes this morning- journaling instead of checking 7 cups. Oh, well- here i am. Somehow most everyone here understands us better- and are rooting for our success. Glad to be sharing our healing.
Well, I am not alone in the struggle. Signed up again with online therapist. Now I simply need to get my butt in gear and reformulate my new goals. Easier said than done.
@barncat
Hi Congradulations! I met with a new therapist today and she is so intelligent. I was strangly aware that she was fully aware of me and truly she sees me and can help me. I hope you get the same great feeling with your new one. It is such a great feeling to know somebody really may hold the key to unlock our potentials! Blessings!!👍🤗😊
@barncat
@barncat
@barncat
@barncat
