Can't do this alone
Find myself gravitating back to 7 cups trying to make sense of the new normal. So many life changes in the last 2 years. Wondering if I have the "strength" to wade through this biggest hurdle of global pandemic. Feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Looking for balance and especially Patience.
@barncat
I have faith you will make it through and I really do hope that you do!
@happychan2006- thank you- just so many big and small things piling on- how do I stay motivated when I can't pursue my retirement "dreams" and goals following one obstacle after another. I really wanted to help others in a new pursuit- not self centered. Just realizing how people focused my life truly has been.
@barncat
yea, i understand! things happen. I really hope everythings gonna be alright for you. just keep going, dont give up. Also.....if i were able to be a listener or a friend to you. I definatly would. I would have loved to take time out of my day to just sit and listen to you. please dont take the creepily or weirdly XD.
but its sincere
@happychan2006- i dont take it any other way than one human concerned about another- it is really helping right now during these challenging times. the idea that total strangers CARE is awesome. We are realizing how connected this world is today.
@barncat
i hope you can overcome your challenges
@barncat
yea anyways i wish you good luck and bless your heart!
@barncat
I have faith you will make it through and I really do hope that you do!
@happychan2006
good luck with your adventure
Well I ventured out to get groceries- a totally new experience- surreal now. The friendly local store around the corner was almost unrecognizeable- signs, barriers, everyone in masks- moving at least 10feet away quickly - I just asked if they had eggs and half and half!! Wow- guess i should listen to the news- the US has finally caught on (bad choice of words) to the seriousness of this virus. So I hurried home to find a scarf- couldnt help but try to lighten up the mood. Found a purple scarf- a long purple sweater- and pulled my hair up with a purple hair toy and flowers. A nod to "when I am old I will wear purple" It was so great to get out and talk to others- in our social distancing and wearing masks. what a game to try and recognize familiar people with a mask in place. Hope everyone is doing well. I at least got my people fix today.
I decided the idea that we are being asked to isolate is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. Now I want to see people more than ever.
wow- so yesterday I didnt even see another person at all. Before I retired it was how i recharged but now I have been more outgoing and getting involved in my community. for the last 3+ weeks we are sheltering in place. Still addapting to the change- not very well. And I do know i am not alone in the world during this time - i wish it made it easier. So many past situations knock me down- and it always is hard for me to struggle back up. Quit my counselor last month thinking everything was going well. and it costs $$$$. Now I wish i could splurge to reach out again to one person who was there just to support me and help clarify and push me in the right direction. maybe splurge is not the right word.
just so hard to believe it has only been 2 weeks since i started this thread- everyone is navigating the same treacheours waters. i am not the only ship in the sea. but it feels llike i lost my sails.
hi @barncat
You are not alone. I think many of us become overwhelmed at one point or another with the pandemic or life in general at times. Personally, I get through one day, sometimes, one second at a time.Extend yourself grace right now. You don't have to feel like your perfect self.
Not sure what your belief are, however, the poem (SERENITY PRAYER) has helped me as well. Here it is for quick reference. And try to remember that tough times don't last forever, this too shall pass. I'm praying for you.
THE SERENITY PRAYER
"GOD grant me the SERENITY to accept the things that I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
@ThisTooShallPass2016- thank you for that reminder- I have the serenity prayer posted up in my studio. god bless you.
@barncat
Sorry, I inadvertently posted this twice. At any rate, you are welcome. Also, thank you for your honesty. Sometimes it helps just knowing that others feel and understand how you feel.
Hi, @ThisTooShallPass2016! First, I like your username. If or when I can remember that "Feelings are not forever" aka feelings change, even just the 'remembering' part is helpful when I feel overwhelmed by high anxiety or intense anger or too much fear, etc etc.
Okay, here's to why I really wanted to respond to your note. The "Serenity Prayer" - do you know who wrote it? If I've known in the past, I have forgotten now. But ... did you know that this part of the prayer that you've written here, this is the first part, but there is a whole "more" to the poem? There is! This part here is the first section and then there are more sentences that are about the length of ... well, if this here is 1/3, the part that is not here is 2/3rds more (so longer than these lines here). I'm unsure why, but most people only read or recite the 'part one.' The rest of it is really good too! I'll see if I can find it online somewhere. It should not be hard to find 
Oh yes, and definitely ...
HI @barncat - how are Max?(I'm not sure if that is the right name) and your other new-to-you-guys horse doing? Do you have a barn? and barn cats? :) I met my very dear friend in town here on Friday. She introduced me to their new family dog. We played with him outside. well more like he played and my friend tossed the balls and I tried not to get knocked over by a very excited puppy! (ok the last part is only about 1/2 true, we talked and such too...) But this puppy, he just turned 1 year old this week!, he is a big boy! very strong :) I liked being around him. He gave me kisses. I did not realize just how much I've missed puppy/dog kisses! (a lot!) I think he will be a great dog for them. He does need some more training - like for sure - but with that too, I think he will do well. I'm not sure if my friend needed yet another 'project' or thing to do; but they have him at home now (of course) and I don't think even she would consider that she would ever take him back (Humane Society rescue). Anyhow ... how's stuff? ~ Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370-.good morning- my horses are the only thing that feels kinda normal. Gus- is feeling my fragileness and testing me- doesnt want to leave his buddies- and i dont blame him. Horses are such mirrors. so glad to hear from you- this site gets me through the loneliness each day. Crazy how strangers seem to care more than people we know. I appreciate the checking in- sounds like you are getting dog kisses. Take care- I'm off to feed the horses. Yes we do have a barn, and a barncat- we lease horse property- a huge blessing every day.
@barncat - Hi dear! Yes, it is technically morning. But I'd guess that most people would call 12:31 AM night. 
Yes, I think perhaps my sister-in-law would say the same - the horses are sort of normal. Though I think I heard that one of the herd (get it?) that she died 
but I'm not sure when. She was Daisy and the only miniature horse of the whole camp. I liked seeing Daisy around because she had 'free reign' of the camp grounds; rather than being stuck in the (shoot I just forgot the word) ... I'm thinking paddocks but I don't think that is right. My sister-in-law is the head wrangler of their camp. She organizes pretty much everything that the horses do - including teaching and testing for horsemanship levels, teaching arena lessons (most at family camps), organizing pony rides, in the off season (well and all year) rationing their food/hay, keeping track of the health of each horse, etc. As I said, pretty much anything to do with the horses 
They do not know what is actually going to happen in May (supposed to be summer staff and wranglers training time) or the summer months (Jun,Jul,Aug - normally FULL with campers!) at this time. For me that would create TONS of anxiety! I would feel like "Hey you people in charge of this? Please make a decision so that I can set my schedule as needed!" I might be bouncing off the walls at about ... oh, now! I should like to (figuratively speaking) pick up this crazy virus and then (literally speaking) put it all in a strongly weighted and sealed box and drop it to the deepest part of the oceans!
Yes, that is something I've liked about horses. They are often calm and peaceful animals, but yes they monitor and mirror the rider, or 'equine therapy' participant, the individual very closely. They are so in-tune with us as people! It is rather amazing.
Are you feeling fragile, generally or with Gus? Yes, that is a rather funny thing to me, testing and not leave the buddies because I know I do the testing part like a lot, and from how I was taught - and how unfortunate things happened with and to me - I've learned to stand up, even if it means standing alone. (which is backward from this, but you know) You should have seen me, in this regard, in high school! 
Yes, I appreciate 7cups too. Even the simple fact that it is 'open'! Stores and well like all businesses keep changing their hours around here. I think if I left at 1:00 pm and tried to do all my errands ... well lots of places are either closed for now or close for the day at like 8pm (for now). (rolls eyes) I think it's just that I wish "THE" virus would go away and no one else would be so very very sick or die even because of CoVID. (sigh) I don't know what good it does to be angry at a virus, but I think I am. I'm upset with the rules that are in place because of the virus, for sure! I think for me the worst/hardest one is that we cannot meet all of us, my church family. Oh, (barncat's true first name), I miss them so much! I agree, 7cups is certainly helping me to get through each 24 hours. If I thought I had my days mixed up before (such like it is actually Tues, but it feels so much like Thurs!), I had no idea. Yes me too; I've come here in the last ? 5 ish days, maybe more, specifically to find people! Though I can't see y'all, I know (or I think I know 
) there are people on the other side of my internet connection who are here to listen or to talk WITH me. I agree, it makes it to feel not quite so alone.
I was getting puppy kisses. Oh my, he was excited! 
I was also, for that was my first time to meet him!!!
I am looking for a dog to be my own also. My beautiful boy, herding dog age 14, died in mid-Sept 2019. I miss him so very much. Especially with all this "Home Alone" time. I dislike it.
How long do chores take for you? I think, did you say you have 5 horses? How many do you have? Cuz I know for sure the two new-to-you-guys, those two.
Oh, yeah, so I guess it is officially late now (after 1AM!) so I'll begin the 'going to bed' process. Good night, Mrs BarnCat! Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370- so wonderful to get your response- since almost all my social support is unavailable- simple things like going to get a cup of coffee at local store after feeding the horses. Dropped in there almost every day- it was like the community center of the southend of our island. Felt banished after I stopped in over 2 weeks ago without a mask- everyone looked at me in horror. Such a gut wrenching feeling of not belonging. I havent gone back since. that incident put the fear and terror of the virus in perspective- how people are reacting. I also feel less alone being able to keep in touch with my 7 cup community. Dont know what i would do without all of you. HUGS.
@barncat - I agree with you! It feels strange now when I forget a face mask at home (oh the horrors! ) Before all this started, like maybe last summer?, there was a sale on the fountain pop at the nearest gas station to me. I'd go in there rather a lot and even got to know the employees. I'm sorry for how you felt that day without a mask and the others all had one. Do you have a mask? I'd encourage you to go back in. Not easy, no way. But maybe if the coffee is really good..... ? (LoL I am a Tea person myself.) There are definitely some teas that I would "go in" for. ((big kisses for your big horses)) and (((hugs with lots of bravery included for you dear))). Platy
Hi @barncat
hi @barncat
You are not alone. I think many of us feel or have felt like this at one point or another during this pandemic and at different points in our lives. This is perfectly normal. The challenge is not getting stuck in that season of life.
Personally, I try to get through one day, sometimes, I've had to just focus on one second at a time. Extend yourself grace right now. These are unprecented times so feeling some kind of anxiety about the uncertainty is not abnormal, even for therapists (if they are honest). Again, we just can't get stuck there. Try meditating, excersing, journaling or something that YOU like to do. If you are unsure what that is (start experimenting until you discover what works for you).
One of my favorite past times is reading and writing poetry. Not sure what your beliefs are, however, the poem (Serenity Prayer) has helped me through many rough times. I've listed it below for quick reference.
Remember, tough times won't last always. This Too Shall Pass
The Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
@ThisTooShallPass2016-thank you again- it is just that i have procrastinating on SO many important things as i was retiring- and now feel overwhelmed to fix the mess- back taxes, retirement investments, rental properties etc. - what was i thinking. -my life got so complicated. And now it feels like everything is crashing down- so i dont want to face any of it. My husband is still working and he just called me to intervene in a tenant problem that he caused. I am afraid of losing what i worked so hard for all my life.
@barncat
Please forgive me, looks like I missed this post. It somehow did not show up in my notifications. At any rate, I wanted to respond to let you know again, you're not alone. I too felt like my life was a COMPLETE mess. I was and at times still do get overwhelmed by just how much I have to do to get to where I want to be. As I stated in my earlier post, I've really been taking it one step at a time. Small, sometimes baby steps that may seem REALLY insignificant to others. But to me, I know the courage, the strength, the tenacity that it took to even start the step, yet alone complete it. Completing those small steps gives me courage to progess to the next. I too have back taxes and the truth is that I was so afraid the first year that I owed the IRS and didn't have the money to pay that I allowed that to let me to procrastinate about subsequent filings and create an even worse problem. There comes a time in life when you simply get tired of being afraid. I've kind of reached that point in my life. The quicker you fail, the quicker you move forward. I've learned the hard way that procrastination doesn't change anything. I've putting my life back together one day at a time and I just feel so proud, so blessed. Again, being completely honest with GOD, telling him what HE already knows that I've made a complete mess of my life and asking for His wisdom and guidance to fix it has helped me. The serenity prayers fall into this because after God gives me his wisdom I then I must accept the things I can't change, the fact that I made bad decisions, and change the things that I can, taking small steps forward (decluttering my home, paying off my debt, furthering my education etc....) Again, I have a long way to go but I can look my self in the mirror and feel so grateful for how far I've come.
I sincerely pray that the serenity prayer continues to help you. One day, one step at a time.
Also, I'm not sure what your faith is, however, I am a Christian, and in my text, the term FEAR NOT appears multiple time, it also states that GOD has not given me a spirit of fear, but of sound mind. -- Again not trying to push my faith on you in anyway but it is the only thing that is sustaining me right now. For a while I was SOOOOOO lonely, soooo sad, feeling like no one really cared about me. Now, I just feel this peace, this joy that I can't really explain. NO my circumstances have not changed, but I have changed despite my circumstances.
Forgive my rambling and thanks for listening.. Blessed wishes. I am praying for you.
Tough times won't last always.... This Too Shall Pass
time passing slowly- finally ventured out for supplies again- wonderful to see familiar faces (with masks). Gus is still a hoot and tries to get away with his own mind- second guessing me- turn right for the really good pasture - afraid if i said grass it would be misunderstood. the horses are going crazy for the new spring growth. Hard to pony 2 horses off of Gus when all they have in mind is eating. they always distract me from the world problems- i have to say. No way to thing of corona riding Gus- the easygoing horse who has a mind of his own.
@barncat - HI!!! Yes it is after 2am again, but I wanted to know how you're doing and what's up! I left my apartment too today, May 1. I went to visit my dear friend and her new dog :) It is SO very good to see in person - like not just on computer monitor - close friends, my family, and especially everyone else who I miss them much too! One of my professional support team (in person!), she gave me a facemask already sewn and ready to wear. I am thankful for now I can quit with the searching for patterns and stuff. (I did find two at the end here that are made with t-shirt and no sewing - because as they said in the video, I do, but I know lots of you don't sew.)
Yes, I think I mentioned my sister-in-law was head wrangler for a camp for several years. So my brother would help me learn about why this and how come my sis-in-law did that (with the horses), etc. I'm pretty sure their horses are "chomping at the bit" to get into the pasture(s) of new grass. My brother told me one year that they can allow the horses to graze here and there, a few hours at a time to start. Because otherwise it could be like giving a human kid a full gallon (or even half gallon) of ice cream and say something like yeah go for it, eat as much as you like! Well, as adults we know that however much the kid ate, he or she could or Would be rather miserable with upset stomach later in the day or evening. My brother was explaining it like this, if they let the horses just chow down and have as much new growth of grass - which is sort of like cotton candy, ice cream, or Tootsie Rolls for a horse ..... yeah later they are not going to feel very good either :( I imagine it would be SO nice to eat something besides hay - grass hay, alfalfa hay, mixed hay ... seems like it could be boring kinda fast.
They (Gus, the two others, and I think do yo have two more? What is total head count of equine mammals at the barncat household?) -- "they always distract me from the world problems" yes this is good, imo. They give you something/someone to take care of, to focus on, outside of yourself, but not too far outside of it - like to the city level, or state, or country (or world, :( ) Yes, a person needs to focus on his/her own feelings, problems, or issues at times, but like my counselor used to say, "You don't need to work on therapy stuff 24/7, Platy." I am super glad that you have found a semi-creative outlet for energy and bonding - even if not bonding with another human - bonding with animals is awfully cool and important too. If you ask me.
"I have to say. No way to think of corona riding Gus- the easygoing horse who has a mind of his own." Yes indeed. A bit like, umm no, Gus we are going to the right now... Ah I thought of a good question for you. My brother explained this all to me once and I sort of got it then, but ... what color and/or breed are each of your horses?
I met with my dear friend and her new dog today. I'm not fully sure if my friend understands how therapeutic it is for me even just being around her dog. I miss my baby so very much, barncat. I still get tears when I think of him and miss him extra much. My friend asked if I'm still looking for a dog of my own, recently. My mom asked a similar Q, umm, earlier this week? In the last 3 weeks, I'm nearly positive that our area Humane Society has been busier with appointments and approvals, intakes and adoptions than any of the stores in the mall! (Of course, the mall has been closed; but still.)
Now it is late plus some! I'll head out for now. Would you pray for me? I need my anxiety levels to go down so that I might fall asleep at the night time and be awake at least most of the daylight hours. Also I got my test results from the 'test for novel coronavirus" tonight, and I do not know what I am supposed to do with this information or how/when/where to proceed from here. I'll call the hotline tomorrow and attempt to get more information.
Sending 'barncat' sized hugs, Gus-sized hugs, and lots of other sizes for those who may need them in your area! <3 Platy
(Yes, so I guess I didn't send this last night -shock! As here it is, unsent, in the morning. Have a great day - Saturday!)
@cyanPlatypus6370- so fantastic to hear from you- i am going to reread your post many times. It is strange that connecting with people i dont know- but feel i know- is so helpful. today i was going to have some younger people help move the horses but Flash was lame. When I purchased him he had a know problem- but turned out it was really bad. LONG STORY. So for 10 years I have been treating his hock arthritis with all sorts of expensive managements. Knowing some day it will be time to put him out of his misery. Wondering if that time is sooner than later. So sooo glad to see your post. I will pray for you- it feels that is the only way to deal with all the troubles right now. HUGE hugs too.