A Quiet Space for Psalm139 and IsayUncle (Please do not reply or respond. Thank You)
This space was created to get away from crowded threads in hopes of more in-depth conversations between Psalm139 and IsayUncle. Please do not join the conversation unless you are invited. Thank You in advance for understanding and complying. Have a beautiful day!
@Psalm139 @IsayUncle
@Psalm139
Is there any way to retrain your brain away from a sense of abandonment? or lessen the severity of it? 💚. Or are you confident it is just a chemical imbalance that you can't do nothing about?😟.
I hate vegetable days! i just finished processing everything. If I don't work them, i'm less likely to eat them until at the last minute to keep them from spoiling. But i finished it all. i got a crazy busy week all of a sudden.... 3 side jobs to price and plan 😕... more than i want!
Good nite💚😊
@IsayUncle I really don’t know if I can somehow make myself not feel that way. I can’t even bring myself to send an email or text to my brother. I know I couldn’t handle being rejected by him so it’s safer to just stay away. And then I think that he probably is happy I’m leave him alone and that makes me sad. And more than that really, ashamed maybe. And angry. That he can’t just love me unconditionally like my mom did. But no one can really. But whatever. It helps if I’m aware of what is happening at least before it gets too out of control in my head.
@Psalm139
I can understand how easy it can be to get sucked into that emotion again. Being aware is a cure waiting to take hold. That is amazing that you can be aware of it and understand the danger zones so that you can navigate it better. That really is good.
Ashamed and angry. I can really relate to that. Whenever I get close to thinking about reconciliation with my family members or some of them, I look at my past actions and I'm ashamed of them but don't feel really responsible because it was a personality trait that gave me my social inadequacy but nonetheless it's too pathetic to try to explain that and so I am ashamed of my actions. And then I get really angry as I start to think about it and wonder why should I accept their inadequacies while eating my own.
But in truth, it always comes down to this. Right now, this minute, I know why I cannot move forward. I am not yet able to forgive them unconditionally. Even if they didn't do anything really wrong, and even if what they did do was because of me and my actions. I am not yet able to accept my own inadequacies and am not big enough to forgive them for theirs. Not yet, getting closer.
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain
💚 it's just good and the blessing that we can wake up and do the best we can each day.💚
I'm really sorry the situation with your brother continues to bother you so, but always remember That the only thing that is constant is change and there is hope this could change too in the future.
@IsayUncle I guess maybe you understand some of the feelings I have. How do you be ok with that separation? Do you ever feel alone or like no one who “should” care actually does care about you?
I don’t know why I can’t just go back to before I even knew him. I feel similarly about the listener I told you about. I try to just act normal with him. I think what makes me want to try is the way it used to be. Like maybe if I could be good enough or wait long enough it could be like it was before. But some things are just hard to get over.
I don’t know if I could ever change the way I feel about things. I think the intense feelings are a part of my pets personality/brain chemistry/mostly out of my control. I think a lot of the problems with my brain are because of what happened with my dad and then my mom happened while my brain was still developing. So as much as I a try to reason with muse and tell myself my feelings aren’t real, they feel too real to ignore or change. And all the stuff with Justin reinforced everything I already believed. And not just him, but other family that I feel like should have stepped in after my mom died but didn’t. I don’t know.
Anyway, what is your day like today? We are going to help put down new mats at taekwondo and then tonight is church. Unless it’s canceled because of the weather. We’ll see.
Ttyl💛
@Psalm139
Good morning M, 💚 between my two jobs yesterday I work until 8:30 last night.
I'm going to be pretty busy for the next week so don't worry if I get a little scarce with my posts and replies. Keep posting OK, I'll stil be reading evry day, so if you get to be bummed out or something good and exciting happens , I'll know and I'll make it a point to touch base.
I often reflect and how things used to be for me in certain situations and my heart just sinks with nostalgic feelings of longing for those feelings to return on some level, somewhere, somehow. If I think about it too deep I can get pretty sad. I think I handle those emotions a little differently than you do. I don't think I can know exactly how you feel and I am really sorry that it messes with you so much but I think you're getting a lot better dealing with it. I think that's probably because in your heart, you want it to change and now that you're aware of it you try to do a good job of keeping it in check.
When I get done with these jobs and if you want to, you can share share with me some of the things you're ashamed about or some of the things that you're angry about? I think it helps a lot to talk about these things and I'd really love to have the time to get into a good discussion about it. You really helped me out the other day when you mentioned unconditional love. It got me to thinking and it made me realize a little bit more about what love is. For me and this is my personal thought so it isn't meant to be a general statement for other peoples interpretation. This is another crazy long subject maybe we can talk about in the future...... If you're into that sort of thing.??? I've got a long story of neglect, abuse, being disregarded and ignored. Even as a child I was treated with distain by my older siblings. As we both struggle with our past, one of my struggles was the lack of feeling loved. Actually, below is a quote that I wrote sometime last week.
2/8/23: Sadly, whatever rare glimpses of love I encountered my entire live slipped through my fingers before knowing what it was, therefore being unable to grasp the feeling and pass it onward.
I'm really sorry for the deep rant (again), I didn't mean to let all that out but anyway it's there and it is what it is.
That's pretty cool you went to help with the match yesterday if the weather was good. We had 76 degree weather yesterday I was working with no shirt. 😜 It's raining this morning and I don't know how long that's gonna last, of course it's gonna mess up my schedule.😕. I hope you had a good day yesterday and the weather didn't mess you up too much. I hope church went well and overall everything was good. You can't see it now but spring is on its way, that means camping and flowers. Our daffodils are springing up everywhere along the Creek.
ttyl 💚💚
@Psalm139
I'm getting excited about spring but I forgot it's a lot scarier for you guys . Sorry about that. But we are getting closer to camping weather. 
@IsayUncle Good morning 💛. Yesterday was an ok day. It was fun helping with the mats. At first I was discouraged because Master Nixon asked me to help with a few things and then this man and teenage boy just took it over before I could even try. Like literally took the tape out of my hand after ten seconds. It was nice he tried to include me though. There were maybe 5 adults and 15 teenagers or kids there. When we got going I felt like I was able to help. We went to the car though, and it was freezing rain at the time. And the car wouldn’t start. Thankfully I signed up for AAA a couple weeks ago so I called them and they came and jump started the car for us. Church was canceled because of the weather so we were just home after that. I was kind of nervous for the Bible Study though anyway so I was actually relieved. I really want to like it and feel comfortable. Justin was even going to go “to see if he could learn anything”. He has a high opinion of his Bible knowledge lol. I know quite a bit too but even if it is a reminder of what the Bible says and nothing really “new” to me I think that is important.
I feel kind of sad today and I’m not sure why. Tonight is taekwondo for the little boys and then come home for a bit and go back for our class. I look forward to going, even though my ankle still hurts when I do jumping jacks and run.
I think I will work more on the house today. I’ve been slowly trying to catch up so I can maintain. I need to make a grocery list too. I’m thinking of doing some crockpot meals that I scan start in the morning and then have done when Justin gets home from work.
Good luck with your jobs. I hope the weather is nice for you.
💛
@Psalm139
hopefully pretty soon, the bad weather eases off. we almost made it through the winter. I don't think I suffered too much depression, how about you?
Believe it or not, I used to absolutely be that thoughtless person to take the tape out of your hands like that. 😟 I try very hard not to be like that anymore. I'm sorry he didn't give you guys a chance to do the project that was ahead of you but glad you ended up having a pretty good time doing what you did.
@Psalm139
I pushed post by accident on my last reply.
I hope you're not too sad this evening and can just kinda mellow out get ready for tomorrow. I worked again all day today, and right now I'm gonna try to go get some work done on the workshops. 😕 Just a little something like putting security hasps on the doors. We'll see? Probably get down there get the tools and materials ready and then just give up. Which that would be OK cause I'm tired anyway.
Goodnight😜
@IsayUncle The winter hasn’t been as bad as it usually is. In Iowa we still have a bit of it left though. I think getting out more has helped. Today I was feeling pretty bad but I’m ok now. I hid out in my room a lot earlier though and slept quite a bit. I just didn’t feel like being awake. Did you get anything done tonight? Even if you didn’t, you made it through another full day. Taekwondo was good tonight. I took a few pictures of the little boys in their class. They were so cute💛
@Psalm139
Yea, I know what what you mean about wanting to stay holed up, or not wanting to.... but just having a need to. That's good that you come out of it. I think that's our mind and body way of saying OK that's enough for me for now. 😅
That is so awesome with the pictures, it's great to see them concentrating so hard. Which one is which now?
💚 Maybe today would be a good day to be easy with yourself, with all things.... Just because😊
@IsayUncle Jax is the smaller one. He wanted me to cut his hair because people were thinking he was a girl. I miss it but he’s still cute. Bentley still has longer hair💛
Im still feeling a little off today. I would love to take it easy but I feel so behind. I AM so behind. Just trying to drink my coffee and hopefully feel better - ish.
Good luck with all your jobs today! I hope everything goes smoothly for you! Ttyl💛
@IsayUncle I just feel like I’m behind on everything. No motivation 😕. I just want to sleep or zone out. I’d really prefer to sleep. I cleaned for an hour today. What are you behind on? More jobs this weekend? Or any other plans?
@Psalm139
yeah I'm just tired too. I wish I could just sleep all weekend. I am tired, I'm gonna go to bed now. Maybe we'll feel better tomorrow.💚
@IsayUncle good night
@Psalm139
Hi M, 💚. I don't really feel any better this morning except that I know that if I stop I'll be worse off. Kind of what you said earlier about just wanting to zone out or sleep but not wanting to get further behind or having too much to do . I'm probably gonna write a lot of little tiny post just keep me going this morning so you don't have to respond to each one. It will actually be like one long post, just written over the morning.
It looks like I'm gonna have to go do some tractor work about 8:00 AM this morning. I was hoping to get rained out. 😕
I hope you feel better today.💚💚
During the winter months, we didn't have any side work and I kinda like that. I had got caught up with my routine and I saw some daylight to work on other projects of my own. But now we're starting to get some work and, truth be told, I need it to get a little ahead financially. But I just really don't feel like doing it all the time. I guess that's what's kinda got me bummed out and get me behind on my routine again which also bums me out.
I know myself good enough that when things get like this, I know I have to either push through or shut down. Being able to talk to you and just write things down helps me take it one step at a time.😊. I know you're feeling behind and will not have the time to get into a lengthy conversation about anything, and actually neither will I but I just wanna let you know that you don't have to. I'm just blabbing here to keep going this morning.
I put a little extra burden on myself because whenever they have discounted fruit at the market I usually buy it because I can never afford it at full price but then I have to clean it and prep it quickly before it spoils. I hit the jackpot yesterday with lots of grapes and strawberries. I got the strawberries washed and will freeze them whole like that. I'm washing the grapes now and will use those to make my own fruit salad for canning. They also had the regulars like oranges apples some veggies and I got those too. Usually they just have oranges, apples, and tangerines and I often get those so I can do a quick canning so I can have a non syrupy unsugared fruit to eat.
In a way, I guess I hope this helps you keep going too.💚
Do you have Amazon prime? Have you ever watched the show called "Carnival Row"? I'm rewatching the previous season so that I can enjoy the new season that just came out.
@Psalm139
Good morning M, I'm off to go do my side job, ugh. I was glad to get done what I did get done in the kitchen and reorganize the freezer so to pack some food in there. I'm leaving everything a mess but I gotta go now.
Everything is OK, 😐.
I hope you have an OK plus day.💚, thanks for reading.😊
That was a waste of 2.5 hours! ended up getting rained out.
I'm back to processing my fruit. Blanch my Tangerines so the skins come off clean and then separate the segments for canning.
I really hope you don't mind me ranting on this morning, I know it might seem weird but it's keeping me going.😅
@IsayUncle Good morning 💛. No, I don’t mind at all! I’m proud of you for pushing through and getting things done even when you don’t feel like it! I’m sorry that you got rained out. That must be very frustrating 😕
I slept in until about an hour ago and have just been listening to my podcast and drinking coffee. My medicine seems to be affecting me more than before. I wake up with a floaty feeling now. Before it was like that if I woke up in the middle of the night but not in the morning.
Justin works until 3 so my plan is to make pot roast in the crockpot and then take some time to relax and then clean for another hour or so. I might make some homemade bread too. I haven’t done that in a while.
I really should do more. Maybe I will. I need to get the boys’ baths and showers today too for church tomorrow so the morning is easier.
Good luck with your fruit!💛
@Psalm139
Good Morning! That's a great idea with the crockpot. (earlier you mentioned using it so things can cook easier and be ready later) The pot roast sounds delicious, W/ Homemade bread.... OMG YUM!
How long have you been waking up with the floaty feeling in the morning? Does it concern you, bother you, or does it feel OK for a while? Maybe it's a good thing especially if you're feeling overwhelmed a lot.
@IsayUncle I have been noticing that feeling especially in the last week or so I think. Maybe I need to take it a little before bed. Idk. I did the pot roast. Still need to make the bread. Justin got home early so I haven’t cleaned at all. I think I’ll do that maybe later. He’s taking a nap so Rylee and I are watching 9-1-1 together. Oh and you asked if we have Amazon prime- we do. What are you busy with now?
That's bothersome about the medication. Have you been taking it consistently and on time? Hopefully changing the time will help. 😌
Today just been basically a drag day. I had way more fruit than I thought. I ended up prepping and canning 7 quart jars of mixed fruits. Usually when I buy fruit like that at the store, I just do a quick can on it, like a few pint jars and that's about it. But a quick Can is not intended for long storage so it's a lot easier. This time I had to do the full canning process and I didn't really have anything ready to do that with so I had to find everything. Kind of a pain and it took all day but I got it done.
That's good to take some TV time. Sometimes we just have to go with the flow, it's better than trying to force things being all stressed out. I don't think Carnival Row would be good for the younger kids but I think it's a quality made TV show. Amazing sets, Special effects and acting with good plots.
I hope you have a really good evening, whether you're doing chores or chilling out I hope you know it's A-OK. 💚 I've resigned myself to that this weekend I guess.
@IsayUncle Wow that sounds like a lot of work with the fruit! I hope you got some really good deals and you feel like it was worth it!
@Psalm139
It is harder when someone else is in the house and just laying around. Not that anybody is doing anything wrong, it just kind of knocks us out of our groove and work zone which is hard to get into in the first place. I hope at least you did resign to the relaxing and didn't stress too much about it.😊
I feel like today is gonna be a another day in a muck for me. I gotta go back to that side job, clean the kitchen from yesterday's fiasco. And then my weekend is done and work starts again tomorrow. Then I have more side jobs for next week. These jobs we've have been doing this week have been more like favors than any real money makers so even the reward of a paycheck isn't there.
I'm not gonna be on here much today, take a bit of a break.
I hope your husband gets a second car running. Sounds like you'll have a good day with the kids and the activities. 💚💚💚. By the way, how was that pot roast? And also, I've been five days less than 300 pounds, only two days to go to change my goal to 295.😅
@IsayUncle Good job on your weight! That’s awesome that you are almost ready to get into the 200s!
@Psalm139
Why are you having this conversation in public? doesn't you chat work
@compassionateBalloon6666 Members can’t chat privately with each other. It only works if one or both people are a listener. You can unfollow by clicking the flag at the top of the thread if it’s darkened I believe.
@Psalm139
Good morning, 💚 
. A new week. Thanks for listening to my rant last week. 😊. I hope you had a good day yesterday with your classes and church and everything starts off good with you this week. Just two or three more weeks of winter weather for you. You got this.
The job I did was my partner's son's house who's helping his sickly mother-in-law by putting in a trailer next to their house for her to live in. (but still..... 😕) hopefully I get things caught up this week.
@IsayUncle Good morning 💛. We had pretty bad storms last night so I didn’t sleep well and slept in late. I just finished my Bible podcast and we are starting school at 10. Everything went well yesterday. Class was pretty challenging. Which is a good thing! I have until Tuesday afternoon to recover and I think I’ll need it!
@Psalm139
You definitely had a busy day yesterday. Sorry about the bad weather, hope you're able to make it through the day, Seems like a lot though. But... Swimming lessons our fantastic. Great exercise and lots of fun if you enjoy that kind of thing. I used to love swimming, haven't done it in years. It's kind of a different sensual experience. Have the kids taken swimming lessons before? I hope they enjoy it.
Have you ever done activities like this before? Or is all this new to you this year?
I had a foot doctor's appointment and then done tons of shopping while I was in the larger town. I got home about 7:30 last night. Nothing exciting here.
Hope your ankle feels better you have a good day today. I'll bet you're kind of exhausted, and it's really early in the week so make sure you get some rest when you can.💚
@IsayUncle Good morning 💛. Yesterday was busy but a good day until swimming lessons. That was kind of a fail. The instructor were really young and seemed inexperienced. They didn’t say anything to start the class or provide any instruction. Bentley and Jaxon couldn’t even touch and they barely helped them. Very few smiles. No encouragement. I hope next week is better.
When the girls were little I had them in dance lessons for a year but at a recital the teacher was mean to me so I took them out. Also we could barely afford it. We have gone to church on and off throughout the years. When we were at the shelter the kids went to church camp. But yeah, having the kids in activities is pretty new. They have never had swimming lessons but I wanted them to have them for safety when we are swimming and canoeing this summer.
Taekwondo went really well last night. Justin even came and watched with me and he thought the class was good and liked the instructor. I took some pictures and got some cute ones of Jax. They paired him with a girl he didn’t know to spar so he was pouting so master Nixon sparred with him, lol.
It sounds like you had a busy day too! Did you hurt your foot? What are you up to today?
I am going to clean for an hour and then do school with the kids. Then makes dinner & we have taekwondo at 5:30. Ttyl💛
@Psalm139
👍👍👍👍👍👍😊💚. Great post, good energy , I love it. I can't reply right now. 😕. Trying to get a lot of housework and kitchen work done before I get too lazy.😜 ttyl💚
@Psalm139
Good morning, That's really too bad about the swimming classes, but hopefully, like you said, maybe next week will be better. Or maybe you'll enjoy the learning enough that the *** won't really matter. Anyway I think it's great taking the lessons for exactly the reasons you say. Getting ready for canoeing and swimming. (and so much fun to swim) I hope it works out and maybe if it don't you can find another place.😕
It seems like you are adapting to getting out into this new world quite nicely. I'm sure that you have your moments of stress and anxiety but then the kids look awesome in the pictures. All smiles and good energy 💚. You're doing super well. I'm really glad to hear your husband participated this week and kind of liked it, that's great. I bet the kids enjoyed that a lot.
My foot has some growth underneath the ball of the foot next to the big toe. I think it has something to do with plantar fasciitis or something like that. It's been really painful to walk on for the past couple years and I just haven't taken the time to do anything about it. But now I am, it's already starting to feel a little bit better with custom inserts and some topical medication.👍.
I always overdo it when I go to the big town grocery stores. I live by myself but I buy discounted foods and I buy in bulk when it's cheaper. And what all that means is, when I get home, I'm kinda forced to sift, sort, package, cook and store everything in a reasonable time. I don't mean to overdo it but I do save a lot of money on some pretty good deals so if they're there, I'll get them and then fuss for three days while I process everything.😂. While I'm eating healthier I have to stay away from the easy processed stuff, even if it is a pain in the ****.
I got a break from my side jobs for a couple days but it's all gonna be filled with housework and kitchen work. I wish I could get to my shops again😕. Maybe soon.
Have a good day!💚
@IsayUncle Good morning 💛. I’m glad you finally got in to get help with your foot. I put off that stuff as long as possible too, so I understand.
@Psalm139
Yea, overthinking is really an energy sucker... but sometimes it's really hard not to. Especially if we feel slighted or wronged and can't get past it... that's the worse! 😕. I think you have it harder than some people but not so bad. We can't help how we feel all the time! 💚
Back to my kitchen work, big pizza day for the kids tomorrow - (I always do it to myself huh?) 😅
It takes tons of time to clean and prep veggies so I wouldn't feel bad if you don't have the time to do that on a regular basis. It would be good if you could figure out some quick preps but other than that keeping a household fed daily is more than enough work, More than I can ever do.😂. I did see these overnight oatmeal Mason jar meals then I'm gonna definitely do. I have lots of dried fruits and nuts and when I went shopping the other day I picked up a good bit of frozen fruit too. So I'm gonna make me up some of these overnight oatmeal jars. They'll fit good with my healthy eating regimen.
I'm glad to hear you're getting back into the schooling routine and I do hope you can manage your other routine a little bit so you feel better about all that. 👍💚
@IsayUncle Did you get everything prepped and ready for your pizza night? You do have high expectations for yourself a lot of the time!
My day went pretty well. Most of our school was done and church went well. Justin even came to Bible study. He said it was good so hopefully he will come back. It was a pretty small group so I would have been a lot more nervous if he hadn’t been there.
Im pretty tired now. Time for bed soon! Goodnight💛