Grandma is gone..
So.. My parents arrived in the afternoon in HK, Tuesday afternoon (HK time), and grandma passed the same night. I was at work today, when my mum messaged me at 5pm, which is their Wednesday morning in HK.. and told me grandma passed last night. My mind was overloaded with emotions and was shutting down. I don't have many childhood memories, but my time spent with Grandma is still very vivid. Both memories of when I was young and still lived in HK, and times when she came to Canada to visit us.
I'm so glad I told my mum to return to HK earlier, as my parents have a cruise trip in mid-September, I told her to return now, so there are no regrets or in case grandma leaves when she's on the cruise trip.. that would've been even worse.
The past weekend, we were informed Grandma returned to the hospital with low saturation levels, was given medication and seemed to be doing better. We all thought that Grandma will be okay, my Aunt in the States supposed to have a cruise trip in the beginning of August (and she had refused to to return to HK while Grandma is still healthy and told my mum, if she wants to go back then to go by herself, Aunt will not go along with her. Although Grandma had been in-and-out of the hospital since her heart attack, she was still healthy, she only had times where she was experiencing shortness-of-breath).. I wonder if my Aunt ended up needing to cancel her trip after receiving the news of Grandma's passing, and make an immediate flight back for the funeral.. I'm so glad my mum made it back in time to spend the last moments with her mother.
Unlike when my Grandfather passed (Dad's dad).. My dad was a day late upon arrival in HK.. Grandfather had left the day before he arrived..
~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of my work shift today, I went to speak with my Manager. To give her a heads up that I'll need to take time off from work if Grandma really passes. I told her, on the last weekend of June, we were informed Grandma had a heart attack, and I went to work the following week, but it was really hard.. as I was on the verge of a breakdown as I worked.. so, I told my Manager, if Grandma passes, I'm going to need to take time off.. The beginning of my shift was around 1pm when I told her.. I messaged my Manager at 7pm, telling her I'll need to rest of the week off, I also told her I left work earlier (she asked me to touch base with her later on in the week to see how I'm doing).. I just kind of did the minimal work that is needed to be done, and kinda left everything else behind.. My mind had wondered off the moment I saw the message from my mum about Grandma's passing, and I was forgetting things (walking towards a way to grab an item, but forgot what it was I needed halfway through the walk).. I went to have my dinner earlier, and left at 7pm (so left work an hour earlier).. The nurses also leaves at 7pm, I saw them in the change room.. I guess I looked kind of out of it and for once, I was rushing to leave.. so, they asked me if everything was okay (because I don't usually ask if I could leave earlier).. so, I told them briefly that my Grandma passed away last night..
I'm saddened that I cannot take a flight back to HK to attend the funeral (I financially can't afford the plane tickets and the required accommodation expenses).. but, I'm thinking about taking the time to ask my mum if there is something we can do to help.. even if it's to transfer her some funds.. or whatnot.. That is, if my mum has the time to chat with me..
I hope I see Grandma in my dreams, so I have a chance to say my goodbyes to her. 😭
I'll miss you, Grandma~
@Jaeteuk You're right. Having animals does help to get me out of the house and helps keep me busy
Sounds like you two had a nice time together? He wasn't upset because you wouldn't stay overnight was he? I'm glad you could spend a couple days together :) It'll be nice next summer when he can stay longer
Aw I'm sorry your friend couldn't make it to the group session. I can understand why the church wouldn't want to upset the dynamic of the group with new people coming in after the first couple times. Wow 20 people! It sounds like a really nice set up though and the fact that the hosts are thinking about having people feel safe really says a lot about their commitment. And the cookies, coffee and other goodies are a nice touch too because it fosters that feeling of togetherness :)
That's nice that your brother saved you half of his mooncake. I looked up the Mid Autumn festival. It sounds like it would be amazing to see. Especially with the dragon dances and the lanterns
Oh I'm so glad you had good weather for your cruise! I remembered you said about rain. I. glad you had a nice time with your mum on this cruise. Omgosh it's so cool that they're going on a cruise together now. I think it's really wonderful that they're so active and living life to the fullest!
You have a really full week next week! I hope the free session goes well too. Hopefully on Friday the counselor can give you ideas on how to handle any insensitive comments that a coworker might say. I can understand how what they say might affect you. Words have a lot more power than some people seem to think they do. I take things personally at first too. It takes me time to work through it. If people could say things a little more gently? it might not hit as hard as it does
It's really great that your manager is willing to work with you on scheduling. Do you think what your coworkers said to you is affecting your wanting to return to work? I mean I know with working together you have to communicate and be civil but I know I would be anxious and dreading facing those same people again
No, he wasn't upset.. But I tried asking him what are his thoughts about us advancing in our relationship.. He mentioned that our personalities are opposites.. Like, he likes to be out and about, go for drives, eat out a lot, like girls with long hair.. while on the other hand, I hardly leave the house (mainly because I don't have friends to hang out with), like my hair short, don't eat out a lot because it's not healthy.. So, I get the idea that we're not a good match..
So, when my parents go on their cruise.. I plan to ask my mum about her friend's son-in-law, see if he still has those two best friends who are looking for a partner.. Maybe her friend can arrange for us to meet somewhere.. Even being friends is good.
I think I am more afraid to return to work because of what those colleague may say to me again.. When I talked about in my group support on Tuesday.. I was getting emotional.. So, honestly, I'm not sure if I can face my colleagues at this time yet.. Next Monday, I'm thinking of telling my Manager to return to work for one day a week first.. Either on a Monday or Friday.. See if she allows. My friend says, to go back for one day first too.. she says, even if it seems like I'm ready to return to work, it may be different when I do return..
And like how the people said in my group support, that I shouldn't feel pressured to return to work.. Which I do in a way.. Although my Manager did say that she doesn't want to pressure me.. But I still feel the pressure.. especially when for me, no work = no income. And in my family's eyes, to be not working at my age, especially when my job is not full-time, is not normal.. and that makes them think, because of my current status, either career-wise or personal, that it'll be difficult to meet new people, meet new friends.. because that's like one less thing to talk about.. And it makes me financially unstable.
People just shouldn't compare the grief from losing someone, to different griefs that they are experiencing (like, losing a living space due to fire damage).. it's different and cannot be compared. And having "crap" at home, is also different than the grief of losing a person. I just feel so angry still whenever I think about what my colleagues have said to me..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I agree. The loss of a living being is different than other losses. I mean yes you can grieve a house or a car or job but those can be replaced - people can't. I mean I don't want to minimize other people's grief for those other things - it's still grief - just a different kind of grief
So, with my counselling session today.. I asked the counsellor if there any tips she could give me to handle work situations.. She says I need to address my anger.. So, she suggest that I write a letter to the person who said inconsiderate things to me.. then, write down what it made me feel, with my blood boiling and all the other emotions and how my body reacted to her words. Almost like the idea she gave me in writing a letter to Grandma in my diary.
You know though, every time I talk about it.. no matter if it was during my Group Support, or today with the counsellor.. I still felt that anger.. And I'm more fearful of returning to work and needing to hear those inconsiderate words spoken to me, more than the work itself. I like my job, and the other people I work with.. it's just those 2 specific colleagues that can't leave it at "I'm sorry for your loss".. And start comparing their "crap" and type of grief with my loss. If I'm at risk when I return to work, that I'll be hearing those kinds of words from them again.. It just puts more stress on me, and messes me up even more emotionally and mentally.. So, in that sense, I don't know if I should really wait until I feel 100% ready to face all the negativity from colleagues first, before I decide to return to work.. I really don't want to end up, returning to work, feel even more stressed, then, resulting in taking even more time off than I need with the grief. I know I can't really control what others have to say to me.. and I'm not the type to be assertive and tell them to "back off".. So, to protect my own mental health, all I can do is not return to work yet..
So, my dad was getting a toothache.. and had been complaining about it the past week.. So, in order for him to be pain-free, to be not complaining for their cruise, and to be able to enjoy the delicacies on the cruise.. When I parked at the mall earlier than my appointment, I stopped by my dentist and asked the Receptionist if they could squeeze an emergency case today for my dad.. As he's been having a toothache the past week and is leaving for vacation tomorrow. As soon as I asked the receptionist, one of the dentists came out.. and said she could squeeze him in at 12:45pm.. At that time, it was 12:15pm.. So, I called home right away.. My mum answered, and I told her I got him a spot at my dental office.. I also told my mum, that his bill would be put into my file.. As dad does not have insurance, and the office has not accepted the Dental Benefit plans for seniors yet.. So, as my treat.. I told the receptionist to bill him under my file.. and I'll pay for everything when I have my own dental appointment next Monday. I helped him fill out some patient forms, at least, as much as I could.. then, let him do the rest when he arrives.. So, my mum agreed and said he'd ask dad to go right away.. Turns out, my brother went to drop him off, as my mum was in the middle of something. So, dad had to get dressed quickly to make it in time.
After my appointment, I called my mum to see what their plans are.. so, I met up with them in a cafe and we had a late lunch. So, that was nice.. dad was very thankful, and said that I was very considerate of his toothache, and made actions to help him with is concern.. I was like, I helped you and mum.. otherwise, my dad was thinking of visiting a pharmacy and asking if there are any painkillers he could take during his cruise for the toothache.. So, I helped them both.. in a way, where my mum won't have to listen to his complaining for the toothache throughout their trip, and dad would be able to actually enjoy his food without the pain.. He ended up getting the tooth extracted.. Apparently, the dentist said that there was no crack on his tooth, but a very bad infection that was causing the pain.. So, extracting it would be a better choice than taking painkillers.. Dad said, he was feeling discomfort with the tooth even before he bit on that nut, but felt even more pain afterwards.. So, he though that it cracked his tooth..
Anyways.. glad they could squeeze him in.. and he can now enjoy his food on the trip.. No more complaints from him when he eats.. The past few days, my mum had to make soft foods for him.. and he was complaining about that too.. So, a relief for everyone.. lolz.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk You've got some really good points about returning to work while still having that anger. I can see your therapists thoughts about writing a letter to the people who said that and trying to get it out that way but with it being so strong yet that makes it alot harder. And bring assertive is a pretty big thing. I know I don't like confrontation myself.
Being assertive is so not my style.. But then again, if I feel that I'm being teased or bullied, then, I will report them.. I have already reported them to my Union Rep previously. My Rep says that we could set up a time to discuss it with my Manager upon my return. I still haven't got to writing out that letter yet.. Just thinking about it angers me, let alone, wanting to sit down and write about it.
So on Monday, I plan to message my Manager.. saying that the past week, after talking about it with my counsellors, asking them if they think I'm ready to return to work.. I'm going to tell my Manager that my counsellors suggests I attend several more sessions first, before deciding whether or not to return, and that they do agree I return gradually when the time comes.. Then, see how my Manager responds..
I haven't really been in the mood working on my own business the past few weeks either.. so, I haven't made any new products to sell.. I'm still in the confused stage.. been forgetting about practicing mindfulness.. and not sure what I'm feeling at the moment.. Like, my mind is blank again.. Not sure what I should be thinking or feeling..
For once, I was thinking straight.. and came up with the idea to drop my my dental clinic and ask them if they could take an emergency case.. I must of out of my mind (to offer to pay for it, Emergency cases would have an extra charge).. oh well, looks like I'll be spending a few hundred dollars after my own dental appointment.. I need a cleaning and a filling myself..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I have a hard time being assertive too although I will stand up for others if they're being bullied. I just don't stand up for myself
I've actually improved a lot when it comes to standing up for myself.. although I'm not assertive enough to address people when things happen, but at least I would report them to my Union Rep.
I messaged my Manager this morning, didn't get a reply though.. Whatever.. I'll leave it at that..
I definitely need to work through that anger first.. hopefully the group support sessions have lessons that could be good tools to deal with that kind of bad talk from colleagues.. I feel I need to prepare myself mentally first before returning to work.. whether or not those colleagues will tell my the same things or not, I need to be prepared to handle such talk.. I don't want to return to work, have them say mean things to me, and end up adding more stress/pressure on top of what I'm already going through with the grief.. Makes me wonder, if I should get a doctor's note from my GP this week.. keep it with me just in case my Manager asks for one.. because right now.. at the same time, I feeling a bit guilty.. I'm the one that's making it up saying that my counsellors don't think its time for me to return to work yet.. when, it's really myself, that I don't feel ready to start working yet..
I'm also having second thoughts about my job..
Motivation is so difficult right now.. and the restless sleeps are not helping either..
So the damage to my wallet for my fillings today.. including my dad's came to just under $800.. There was a $53 Emergency charge for my dad's tooth extraction.. My fillings were the pricier charge. The receptionist and I were joking, I'd better start saving up now, as my next visit, we'll be fixing a chipped tooth.. lolz
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Having a note from you GP might be a good idea - just in case. Plus the fact that you reported them when it happened gives a record too. Along with your GP giving a referral to a counseling place. In case someone would want to make an issue for job termination - which I'd hate to think could happen but I'm sure it does. I know here people get three days off for bereavement. 3 days - it's amazing that they only give such a short time
Do Doctor's note where you are cost anything? For us, I think we have to pay for it. But I will ask for one at tomorrow's appointment, just in case. Over here, even as a hospital staff, I don't think it's many days of bereavement either.. I think, others just end up using their sick days too. I remember one nurse took like one day off because he had to put down his dog.
Luckily, with a Union job, they can't terminate us just because I'm taking time off for grieving. The only requirement for me to keep my position, is to have worked a minimum of 225.50 hours a year. Which, if I calculated correctly, I've already worked 487 hours. So technically, I can take the rest of the year off and they can't use it as an excuse to terminate me.
But with the second thoughts, I was thinking about quitting altogether. But for now, I think I'll let my Manager know that I'll check back in with her in the New Year. I don't need her to ask me every month, if I'm ready to return to work the next month. Thinking about work now, just adds on more stress and pressure for me to get past my grief, which gives the opposite effect. Plus, if I'm really going to leave, I'll have to discuss it with my family first. The exact kind of work and tasks I do now, is different in every hospital, so, I couldn't really apply to any other hospital if I just wanted to change the people I work with.
With my own business, I haven't really been in the right mind to make anymore advancements since the grieving started. So maybe, if I do decide to have a career change, I'll put all my time and effort on that instead. My brother is also thinking about buying off a coffee shop, so if he goes through with it.. maybe I can do something to help him run it.. and earn some pocket money there too.
My dental work was tiring.. I have a very small mouth.. so, when they're like, "open as wide as you can".. it's still very small.. So, my lips were very stretched and they kept it open just a little bit too long each time.. not enough breaks in between.. but my dentist was trying to be quick too.. so, I didn't want to stop her to give me more breaks in between..
The Government rolled out a Dental Benefit Plan this past summer.. but not many dental clinics have accepted it. And for now, it's only available for seniors, like the 70+. So, my dad has it, but my current clinic did not accept it.. the dentist we used to see, is like an hour drive away, his clinic accepted it. That's why, with my dad's tooth infection, I just went to my clinic. They were so nice, and I was so lucky. I was telling the receptionist.. My dad doesn't have insurance, I don't have insurance, so it doesn't matter.. I'll just pay for it, my treat, so he can enjoy his cruise. My dentist say, they are still working with the Government, so they can get better profitable benefit plan for dental clinics. She was telling me, the current one, is aimed for those who are financially in dire need.. almost like those in poverty/homeless.. but, when it comes to a dental clinic, the benefits are not a fair ratio of dentist:patient.. That's why their clinic haven't accepted it yet.. She said everything is still in the works.. So, she doesn't know when the clinic will accept it.
I nearly forgot to ask her if she did implants. My mum wanted me to help her ask about it.. We figured, we were told she did a lot of schooling in regards to dentistry. So, we thought, she should do implants too.. Dr. C, told me that it depends on the bone structure left.. if it's difficult, like bone grafting is needed, then, it cannot be done at the clinic.. but, that my mum would have to go somewhere else, then come back and get the crown made with her.. With the implant, my mum said, she wouldn't need me to pay for it.. heheh.. Phew.. that's a good few thousand dollars. When I had mine done more than 10 years ago, it was nearly $4000.. and my tooth was at the front.. which I think makes me more expensive.. By now, that cost probably increased, with newer procedures and products.. But my mum's missing tooth, is like at the bottom right, along the cheek.. so, not really in the front where you can see if she smiled.. So I think may be the position of the missing tooth makes a difference in price too. Dr. C said, she has to take into account the age of the patient, and then, choose which type of implant suits them.. as she explained, when she worked in the hospital before (I guess, with dental surgeries), that care aids do not know how to clean patients' implants.. so, she mentioned that it could be a problem if they aren't cleaned properly, as it may cause infections.. Basically, she first will need to see my mum and get all the x-rays done.. then, decide from there.. Another funny thing she told me.. she said, she saw my brother a while ago, and said, he had no fillings at all.. Then, she went on and said.. she has seen families.. where one member has good teeth, like, no fillings.. and another member has bad dental problems.. like my dad and I.. lolz (My dad and I were both candy eaters when we were younger).. and according to Dr. C, my teeth surfaces are rougher.. so, they more easily collect plaque and turn into cavities.
I'm seeing that free intern counsellor this morning.. I'm parking at a park nearby and walking over.. as I heard the building holds a food bank thing every Wednesday, so parking there is usually hard to find.. I'll see for myself today when I go there.. I feel bad for parking in a park and leaving it to go somewhere else.. So, I'm planning to get there earlier, and actually do some walking first.. before making my way over to the building, which according to Google Maps, should only take 10 minutes.. It's raining today though.. So, I'd better bring an umbrella.. I've already took out my hiking shoes.. So, just need proper clothing for the rain.
I'd better go get ready to leave my house soon. Good luck with your crown appointment!~
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm so sorry about your loss and hope you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of ❤️🤗 to help you to feel better.
@Jaeteuk I moved my reply down here because it was sliding too far to the right. Hope that's ok :)
My doctor doesn't charge for notes. But that might be different with each doctor's office?
It's a shame they don't allow people longer time for grief. Don't most people struggle with it? It just makes me wonder why you and I are struggling to pull ourselves together and other people are ok with it. I know everyone handles things differently - I just wish I knew why I guess
Oh wow that's good! I never knew that about union jobs! That definitely gives you job security for right now. It's a shame the work is so different from hospital to hospital that you couldn't just transfer
You're thinking of quitting? Although I can understand that thought because it would be one of mine too. Dealing with inconsiderate coworkers who berate you for grieving and make comparisons wouldn't sit well. And if it's adding stress and anxiety to you that's not good at all.
How do you think your family will handle you thinking about quitting? Helping out at a coffee shop might be kind of fun though. Maybe with some time off and away from work and the pressure and stress of going back you'll be able to give a little more thought to what your next step might be
Dental work is just horrible. I hate going and getting work done. I think my dentist over books people and then they rush everyone. I had her do a filling once without novacaine because as she put it "she can have it done before the novacaine start to work" Yeah she lied about it not hurting too bad lol. It's not something I'll let her do again that's for sure. Your lips must have felt very dry and sore afterwards from having to stretch your mouth open so long
Hopefully your dentist will start taking your father's insurance. That way it's closer than the other one and he can start going there to keep up with his cleanings. Yeah I think with implants people usually have to see an oral surgeon? Bone grafts don't sound like something I would want to do that's for sure. I think placement probably does make a difference with the price or it seems like it would
Wow your brother has no fillings? That's amazing! Tbh I have put thousands into my teeth the past couple of years. My parents weren't big on dental care and I'm paying for it now
I hope your appointment with the intern counselor went well. With parking over at the park I think that's a pretty nice thing to do actually because it keeps a space closer to the shops or businesses that others might need. Plus you get to have your walk. Although the rain can make it less enjoyable
I got my crown in. I'm so glad that's over but I have to admit it wasn't a pleasant experience. It hurts when she took off the temporary one and hurt when she stuck the official one in. Now it's done and I hope that's the last one I need for a good long while
Luckily my doctor didn't charge for the doctor's note today.. He says he usually doesn't charge his patients the note, unless it's related to insurance purposes. So I messaged my Manager after my appointment, and told her that my GP and I concluded that I take the remaining of the year off to focus on my grieving. Rather than feeling the stress and pressure in returning to work, then, I told her if needed, I could drop off a doctor's note. She says, since I've met my minimal hours worked for this year already, she wouldn't need it.. That being said, if in the New Year, I still need time off.. she'll need the note then. Now, I just need to keep my monthly follow-up appointments with my GP is see my progress in the grieving journey.
You know.. After the group session this past Tuesday.. many of the member's lost their loved ones through cancer.. it makes me remember someone I used to work with.. She also passed away from metastasized breast cancer a few years ago.. My heart feels heavy whenever I drive by her house, knowing she left behind a husband and two kids, who I think are in Middle and High School now only.. I don't know the exact day/year she passed away, because I only knew of it from another previous colleague a few months after her passing. Apparently she kept a video journal of her battling with breast cancer on ***.. and during that time, I have closed my account. So, I wasn't able to see the news of her passing, until I met up with a colleague we both knew for a meal a few months later. And since, that's been a while ago too, I don't even remember which year it was.. But just that, I loved working with her back then, she was the Department Manager when I once worked at Walmart. She had to leave her position when she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.. I knew she battled it for at least 2 years.. until it got to her spine, she had to use a walker to move around her house.. The last time I spoke with her through text messaging, was having her asking me about volunteer work at the hospital I worked at. When she asked me that, I thought she was recovering from it.. didn't think she'd end up passing away.. I never got a chance to meet up with her, because she said her body was too weak and her immune system was very low, she didn't want to meet up with others and catch something..
It seems people like us who are deeply impacted with grief are more emotionally effected, to a point where it overtakes our daily life routines.. resulting in not being able to work..
Yes.. it has crossed my mind about quitting.. I'm thinking, if I can't get past the anger.. then, returning to work with those colleagues again will just be a continuous blow to my mental health.. Despite liking the work itself, and all the other staff I work with.. needing to work closely with those colleagues is not worth it.. I know there are two of them retiring in the next couple of years.. but, more problematic staff will replace them.. so, in the long-run, it will become a toll on my mental health, with or without the grief.
I've got many fillings myself over the past couple of years too.. All a blow to my wallet..
So, it was nice to have a Chinese-speaking intern.. although we used English for our appointment, I did ask her if she understood Cantonese at the end of our session.. as we both knew, there are a lot of slang words in Chinese that cannot be translated to English.. so, it's good to know she understands it and speaks it at home.. so, if ever I need to use Chinese, I can tell her that way too.. The parking at the park, started as a Paid Parking from Sept. 16th.. but I figure, it's better to pay a few dollars for parking, rather than that $178/session with the other counsellor. Plus, I could walk around a bit at the park too.. Yesterday, it was pouring.. I had an umbrella with me, but still got a bit wet.. and my socks were getting soaked at my toes.. At least I work like tracking pants, so they were water-resistant.. which is good enough.. I wore leggings underneath, thinking it might be cold with the rain.. next time, I won't need the leggings.
You know, I noticed something else about me for the past few days.. When I'm out and about with all my appointments.. I tend to zone out, especially when I'm sitting and waiting to be called for my appointments.. Like this morning, when I went to see my GP.. I arrived like 15 minutes earlier.. so, ended up waiting for like 20-25 minutes.. I noticed I kept zoning out.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm glad he didn't charge you for the note. It weird the things they charge for and the things they don't
My Manager just said that she's glad I'm taking the time to take care of myself, and she's sorry to hear that I'm unable to work the remainder of the year. Since I've checked in with a nurse earlier, asking if she hired someone.. So, I now know she has coverage for me.. That, I don't feel too bad taking the rest of the year off.. Although even if I worry for her, it doesn't make a difference..
This experience also shows.. that my colleagues are just colleagues and nothing more.. because since the time I had been off, no one messaged me and asked how I'm doing.. Oh well, didn't expect it from them anyways..
I guess so.. it is a fairly nice park.. You could either walk out by the riverside, or in the trails.. There's like a waterfront restaurant, a fish & chips place, and ice cream shop.. with a kids' water park, and outdoor pool, a skatepark, an enclosed area for dogs, picnic tables.. lots of grass area, etc.. the park itself is quite huge.. there's a place for people with boats to take out.. In the summer, you'd see people riding bikes on the trails.. as there are cemented walkways as well as pebbled trails..
Yea.. I'd rather walk than try and do a parallel park on the street (and make a fool of myself because I struggle with it).. I'm all about being dressed properly, especially when it rains.. so an umbrella is a must have.. I'm not sure if you've heard.. but many Chinese/Asians believe that once our hair gets wet, we catch a cold more easily.. So, usually when it rains/snows, people will use an umbrella.. or they stay home/indoors.. That's why.. we also usually blow-dry our hair after washing it too, and never sleep with wet hair.. The costing counsellor did say I should go for walks daily.. Although I've only been doing that when I need to go out for appointments.. that's why I didn't mind the walk.. even if it rained.
Speaking of walking.. I'm planning to walk to a nearby grocery store up the hill from where I live soon.. Need some salads.. my lazy way to consume greens.. is buying those packaged salads that come with sauce.. I'll carry a small backpack with icepacks.. as today, it's sunny.. don't want the sauce to go bad..
No, I didn't tell the intern about me zoning out.. I barely remembered to tell her about my nightmare.. Next week, I'll make sure I mention it.. For me, it's only been happening when I'm out.. as at home, I'm looking at my computer screen and binge-watching dramas.. so, don't really have the time to zone-out..
This mindfulness thing.. I keep forgetting about practicing it.. that's my way of being forgetful..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Oh yeah, that does say a lot that no one even checked in. That stings too. Especially if you've worked together for quite a while and thought that there was some kind of friendship - even just a little bit. That's really lousy. A little kindness can go along way
There is one colleague where are ages are closer, she's only 4 years older.. and this is someone I've seen outside of work for coffee a few times before too.. I think that maybe they don't want to bother me during my grieving time or they could care less or they only care about themselves and anything work-related.. That colleague that compared her grief to mine.. she had only messaged me to ask if I was covering to work a sick call shift..
You know what, it's because I can't parallel park, that I haven't gotten the final road test to get a permanent driver's license.. I've been the New Driver since my early 20s, I've just renewed it for the 3rd time 2 years ago.. And mainly because, driving gives me a lot of stress.. so not a fan of it either.. I've noticed though.. whenever I drive and I'm stressed or having some sort of anxiety.. my leg trembles.. and it's my right foot, you know, the one that controls the pedals.. And when I say it trembles.. I mean it's like I'm tapping my foot, but in an uncontrollable beat.. The other night, when I was driving to the group session, it happened, I think mainly because of that nightmare I had when I took a power nap before the session.. I almost felt like I should turn on my hazard lights and rest on the side of the road until it stopped trembling.. It was that bad.
As I told my GP yesterday, my appetite.. it's more like, if there's food, I'll eat it, if there isn't any, then, I'm okay to not eat anything.. and it's not like I'm hungry for food.. He did ask about my weight, no changes there.. Like today, after waking up.. I only had like a cup of coffee.. then, I went on my walk.. came home, and only had a banana and lots of water. But I do plan to eat a pack of the salad as dinner tonight..
Yes, that's a good idea.. I'll write the notes down on my phone, on the day of my appointment.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk It is hard to say really why no one would be in touch. It's a shame that she only text to ask about covering a sick shift. It would have been nice if she would have added something more afterwards. An apology or just asking how you are. I have found that most people seem to basically be concerned about themselves only. I guess that's just the way the world is?
I totally agree that people only seem to care about themselves.. especially in a workplace setting.. they only think about themselves, and how to cover their own backs.. and all what seems like care for others is just a show.. I've observed the facial expressions and the tone that my colleagues use when they speak to me, compared to amongst themselves.. I can see the difference in sincerity, it is very lacking with me..
As with driving.. I wasn't one the kids that went for the written test right when we hit the legal age of driving at 16. I'm probably like the 1% that didn't go at 16.. back then, in my mind.. at 16, I'm still a child.. the responsibility of driving a vehicle, on a road with other drivers and pedestrians.. doesn't seem like something I would feel safe.. In my mind, I did not think I was mature enough to take on the responsibility of driving, and did not want to put myself and other drivers at risk.. So for me, I didn't get my New Driver road test done until my early 20s. I was lucky, the city where I did that road test was a city I lived in for like 8 years.. the roads are wide and easy to drive around.. Now, driving itself, I still feel all the stresses.. knowing that there are other drivers on the road with me.. Before, I must chew gum when I drive, nowadays.. I just listen to the playlist from the bluetooth through my phone to the car's audio system and sing along.. But I still don't like to drive.. I don't mind driving around town, on roads I'm familiar with.. but, if you ask me to drive somewhere I've never been to, or for longer distances.. that stress will overtake me.. and my leg will probably tremble even more.. I remember before, when we first moved back into our hometown, my dentist was an hour's drive away.. Driving there, after like 30 minutes, my fingers would be numb.. as I'd be so stressed, that I'd grip the steering wheel too tight..
I did ending up having that salad for dinner. For me.. I'm the other way around.. I'll always have my breakfast.. most of the time, skip lunch, and have dinner.. that's what I always did when I worked before.. as I usually worked the 12pm to 8pm shift.. I'd have a large breakfast.. not have lunch, then, have dinner at work.. Now.. with the grieving thing.. I'm just having my breakfast.. skipping lunch, and may or may not have a dinner.. Especially now.. without my parents here.. just my brother and I.. I end up not having dinner.. sometimes, if he felt like ordering takeout.. he would include my share.. like the other day, we had pizza delivered to our door.. Tonight.. his friend came over and they are having BBQ.. I'll most likely not eat anything.. Like I said, nowadays with the grieving, I don't feel the hunger.. so eating or not eating, doesn't make too much of a difference..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm so sorry for your loss, bet grandma is loved by you and i hope you can grieve in a healthy way and remember while cherishing her presence in your life
@Jaeteuk All those definitely make you mature much faster. Childhood trauma does make you more cautious and alert. Your parents were open to hearing and acknowledging your depression even at a young age? Being insightful is a good thing but it is a hard thing to share if you don't have others around you that's for sure.
How are things going with the group sessions? Have you been able to make any acquaintances? I was thinking with the time you have off maybe there's a class or something you could get involved with? Nothing major of course, just something small that you could meet people? I know our library often has small classes for things. It usually depends on the season for what they have going on. They're usually not very expensive either. Just a suggestion of course, I know it can be really uncomfortable doing things like that alone.
Imgosh, there is no way I could remember looking at directions like that! I'd forget them as soon as I looked at them. That's amazing that you can. In all honesty, I'd be lost forever without GPS. I never knew that was a law. I wonder if it's like that here where I live too? I'll have to check that out. I do know they don't want people texting and driving but the people still do it. I think here the fines go by number of offenses someone has. To me there is nothing and no one that has something so important to tell me that it can't wait until later.
Oh no! Your poor dad! It's a shame they don't have a small dental office on the ship. Oh wow, he had the infected tooth pulled so he could have an enjoyable trip and now his crown falls out and his bridge. I hope he's not experiencing any pain? It's so nice that you'll set an appointment up for him when they return. I hope they still had a nice time though even with all the dental mishaps
That is really nice to hear that the other nurses were asking how you're doing. Would there be anyway to switch to that team? I guess they probably have a certain number of people on each team and for you to join that team maybe they would have to have someone quit? I have no idea how they figure that stuff out
I experienced some teasing at a young age, as back in the day, in my hometown, there weren't many Asians yet.. so, being like the only Chinese girl in my classes, the other "friends" tease me a lot.. like we'd play tag, or something cops and robbers.. I'm the one they always go after.. A lot of my depression started with friends not being that friendly and leaving me out in things/games.. and I kept losing my group of friends as I changed schools.. Like I went to two elementary schools.. by the time I got to middle school (gr. 6-8), I saw the group of friends I had in my first elementary school, but I couldn't get close to them again a second time, and they didn't seem to recognize me either..
The past weekend, my brother asked me to sign up for volunteering, something he saw at our library. Something about a Writer's Fest.. I looked at it, it did seem interesting.. but, I also don't have the mood for it.. like it'll drain all my energy.. needing me to smile and interact with strangers all day.. Just not something I'm up for at the moment..
I did tell my mum.. that sometime this year.. maybe she can ask her friend.. if her son-in-law's 2 guy friends are still looking either to date or make new friends.. so, we'll see how that goes.. I don't mind meeting a friend.. Since the other guy friend that visited recently, seems like we won't be taking it to the next level.. Can't keep waiting for something to happen between us when he's not willing to commit.
Yea.. I told my mum.. they must've eaten a lot of food the past week already.. so, without the crown and bridge... he can only eat soft foods like fish.. so, I told my mum, it could be like a diet for him.. and it's a good thing that he chews more.. before, he and my brother eats too fast.. almost like they hardly chew their food.. So, I said, at least that's a good thing.. My mum was like, she's gone to get her second plate, and dad is still on his first.. at least they have a good laugh about it..
I did make the appointment for him.. called the clinic this morning, and they found a small opening for him next Friday.. so, that's good.. their dentist.. I think is on the verge of retiring soon, he's only in the office on Fridays.. earlier, my mum says, he was there 2 days a week..
No.. I'm not exactly a nurse.. I'm what you call and OR Aide.. but, not the same as a Care Aide.. there's only one team of OR Aides in the OR.. so, I can't really switch teams.. But as OR Aides, we work side-by-side with the nurses, and anesthesiologist.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Kids can be absolutely horrible sometimes. I'm sorry you went through that. It's really hard being the person left out of things, especially by people who say they're your friends
I can already imagine going to that Writer's Fest would drain all my energy for sure.. I even passed on meeting my uncle for lunch this past Monday with my brother.. Being out and about doing my own thing is fine, but the need to interact with others a lot, totally not doable that the moment.
My energy levels are really low at the moment.. I feel the grieving has changed some hormonal levels in my body.. my menstruation is coming more frequently, although it's not like a normal heavy flow.. but, the side of effects of being fatigued is affecting me.. So, aside from always feeling tired and low energy because of the grief, this hormonal changes is making me feel more tired than I already am.. Which totally sucks.. So, I think, even if I were to go get that bloodwork done in a couple of weeks, it may still be accurate.. at first, I was told by my internal doctor that I need to take the bloodwork near wake up time, and during the days I feel most fatigued because of my menstruation.. Now that I feel the hormonal changes in my body from the grief, I think I can take that blood test any day now..
Oh yes, I think with the missing crown.. it's better than going on their cruise with that infected tooth that caused pain..
Yea, when I called my dad's dental office yesterday.. the receptionist really had to see if she could squeeze my dad in.. I hope she didn't make it as an Emergency appointment.. otherwise extra fees will be added.. our entire family used to see my dad's dentist when we lived in the same city as him.. but since we've moved back to our hometown 8 years ago.. only my parents still go there.. as they are currently the one of the few dental offices that has accepted the new dental benefits plan.. Back then, our dentist worked like 4 days a week.. as aside from him, there were like 3 other dentists there.. In my last couple of years with that office, I switched over to another younger dentist.. When I called the office yesterday, I asked if he worked there still.. apparently, he opened his own practice somewhere else already.. Now, dad's dentist apparently only works on Fridays.. we've known he's been working less and less days.. He's not too old.. maybe just hitting his late 50s.. Oh well, as soon the dentist I see accepts the dental benefit plans, then, my parents will switch over too.. it's better when it's more local.. And as someone we know, it's much better too.. we're sure we get the good quality of work done to our teeth..
So, I went for my comfort food after my counselling appointment today for lunch.. Next week.. maybe I try and going for a late night snack after the group counselling (I just need to make sure that I don't stay too long after the session to chat).. Although their last order is at 10:30pm.. instead of for lunch after the regular counselling session on Wednesdays..
Maybe in the later Wednesday sessions.. I can meet my dad for Korean food instead.. As my mum has set Wednesday lunches with her friends on a weekly-basis..
I did not sleep well last night.. I think because I didn't stay up and watch my dramas in bed.. so, I ended up falling asleep sooner.. which resulted in waking up by 4am.. As I usually am only able to sleep 6 hours straight.. so, if I fall asleep early in the night.. I'm awake much earlier too.. So, I'm going to go for a nap later.. after my food has digested a bit more..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Do you feel that when you're around others you have to put on a brave face and smile? Basically pretending that there's nothing wrong and everything is fine? I find the pretending adds to the drained feeling.
Oh yes, I feel that it is only during the group support is where I can have my real facial expressions showing.. and also when I'm by myself.. But most times, in front of others, it's all about pretending to be that happy-go-lucky type of person.. It totally drains a lot my energy for sure.. I guess, that was why I passed the idea of meeting with my Uncle for lunch the other day.. Come to think of it, even when I see my counsellor, I feel that not all my facial expressions are real, and I tend to keep looking away quickly after having eye contact.. almost like, I'm afraid she'll be able to see through me and my feelings.
Talking about seeing through me and my feelings.. In my lifetime so far, I've only met one person who understood me on a deeper level.. It was one guy I used to work with, he once said to me, that through my eyes, he could tell that I've been through a lot of depressing things. Almost like I'm always hidden behind something, that there's more about me than the naked eye could see.. At one point, he expressed his interest in me, we hung out as friends outside of work.. but he ended up being a cross-dresser.. not that I had anything against that, but he also ended up returning to his home country and never came back. So, I lost contact with him.. otherwise, we could've been like sisters.
It's nice to actually know our dentist.. I went to high school with her younger brother.. And she's the older cousin of friends (siblings) my brother grew up with too.. So, it's not just a random dentist we came across..
I'm glad to have given you an idea to go for comfort food after sessions.. I figured, if I went after the group session, as long as I don't stay too long afterwards to chat with others.. I'll still have time to relax and eat at the place.. I'll see how things go.. but, I will become a regular customer there.. definitely will either end up going Tuesday night after the group support, or after my counselling session on Wednesday.. I tried a different dish yesterday.. it was totally worth the price.. it was called Spicy Cod Soup.. not sure if you've had Korean food before.. but they have these tofu spicy soup bases, that includes different meats.. could be beef, pork, fish, or even veggies.. I tried the Cod one yesterday and it had a lot of Cod pieces.. Except it wasn't spicy.. I had it eat with the kimchi side dishes to make it taste more spicy.
I don't remember how long it has been that with my sleep, I could only sleep for at most, 6 hours straight.. that is why, I end up watching dramas in bed until 2-3am, if I want to wake up around 8am or so.. Otherwise, if I went to bed at 10pm, I'd be awake by 4am..
It's good I'm not working now.. I can take naps whenever..
Oh.. I did something yesterday.. I turned off the notification for work.. as I kept getting text messages for sick calls, seeing if I could work them.. So, I went online, and turned off that notification.. might turn it back on in the new year.. I just don't want to have any connection with work or be reminded of it right now..
There is one thing I plan to do though.. Before, I bought coffee for the Keurig machine we have at work.. I still have a box and half left (we don't use Keurig at home), and are expiring by the end of this year.. so, when I go to the hospital for my blood work, I'm going to message another colleague the day before.. ask if she's working, and if she could kindly help me bring them to our lounge for staff to use up.. Don't want them to be wasted.. that way, for those who want coffee and forgot to bring their own Kcups, can use up mine.. Everyone likes free things..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I've heard numerous times that the eyes are the window to the soul. I do think there's some truth in that. Like how some people can seem friendly but when they smile their smile never reaches their eyes? There's a listener here that I've been trying to avoid because talking with them is just too draining. We met in a chatroom here as members but they contacted me with their listener acct. It's getting to the point that I'm thinking of just blocking them
Eyes are windows to the soul.. Hmm.. I think I heard that a long time ago.. We could've been soulmates.. even if I could've stayed friends with him.. Makes me wonder if I'll ever meet someone who will have the same power as him..
Oh my gosh, last night.. my brother asked me again when I'm returning to work or when I'll have shifts.. I told him.. no shifts are given yet until I say it's okay.. So I briefly told him that I need to work on my anger first.. then, he goes on saying, being angry with colleagues is just a matter of forgive and forget.. Then I said, if it wasn't for the grief and it's mixed, complex emotions.. if my colleagues had made me angry.. I could've more easily handled it and it wouldn't have affected me enough to not go to work.. Then, he goes on asking if my counsellor has taught me tools to deal with it.. I told him, at our next session, we will talk more in depth about it..
I like spicy foods too.. but only the Korean style.. as I'm allergic to black pepper.. If you can find a Korean restaurant to try.. you could also request to have them make it less spicy..
Those notifications gave me pressure and a sense of guilt.. I'm glad I was able to turn them off too.. They are automated, so they'd send me a text whenever someone had called in sick.. Or they'll send me a text when they want to offer blocks of shifts to me..
The ones I bought are of French Roast and Italian Roast.. hope the staff don't mind it being dark roasts.. But freebies are always welcomed in our lounge.. I guess it could drop it off myself too.. but, they recently changed to code to the door and I don't feel like interacting with people at the moment.. If colleagues really cared, they would go out of their way to try and contact me..
I can't wait until my parents come back on Wednesday.. I could talk to my mum more about work.. and my decision to not return for the remaining of the year.. and get her to pass that message to my brother and have him to stop asking me when I'll be returning..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I don't know if it's that easy as forgive and forget. It may have been different if more time had passed before they said what they did and made comparisons but you were still reeling and your grief was so fresh. It may be easier to forgive but I'm not sure how you forget something like that? Because words do leave a mark and I would think it would come to mind whenever you would see that person. I know it would mine. I definitely agree with you though, had you just been angry it could have been handled alittle easier but you were hurt by the comments. You were already hurting from your loss
Yes.. that colleague's comparison had totally hurt my feelings and made it sound disrespectful/inconsiderate.. You're right, at that time, my grief was still so fresh and my mood was down that when something like that is said to me, it would've affected me more compared to without the loss.. My blood still boils whenever I think about it.. So, until that stops happening, I don't think I'll be going back to work..
Well at least, the supervisor is retiring.. Her last day is mid-December.. she was the one that made the other comment that made me feel guilty.. She was the one where I told her I'm thinking of canceling my shifts the week after as I wasn't ready to return to work, after having worked the past couple of days (she asked me on the Wed, beginning of my shift).. then, she made a comment and said "well, you came to work today" and "you know our situation that we'll be short-staffed".. I'm hoping that a nurse will takeover her position.. the nurses working in the OR are much nicer and more understanding when it comes our needs and they won't say things like that..
Oh yes.. I usually don't like to make things difficult for the restaurant when it comes to foods too.. unless it's allergies-related (that's why I felt so bad the other time when I forgot to ask if their sauces had black pepper after the plate was brought to me).. If you don't want to ask them to make it less spicy.. you could always take it out of the soup or wash it down with water..
I just had a short phone call chat with my mum just now.. they bought the wi-fi service for today and tomorrow.. Their cruise arrives at the port Tuesday evening, a day earlier.. but because of customs, they still won't be able to get off it until Wednesday.. They also need to keep an eye on their flight.. with a chance of changing it a day later, depending on whether or not the hurricanes/winds will affect their flight route..
Looks like I'll have to do some dusting these couple of days before they come home.. lolz.. Oh, that reminds me.. I'd better check on my dad's plants.. see if I need to water them.. I keep forgetting about that.. At least, none of the indoor plants look like they're dried up..
Tomorrow, I'm planning to fill my car up after the Group Session.. then, rather go eat Korean food.. maybe drop by the grocery store instead.. I'll leave the Korean food after my counselling session on Wednesday.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk really sorry to hear about your loss. :(
Can anyone help me?! I filled an active listener verification. How long does it take for someone to reach out and arrange a mock chat?
@Happy2Help18 I have no idea. Maybe you could ask in the listener chatroom? Someone there might know
@Jaeteuk It really is so sad that people can be ok with saying the things they do and the fact that the one was even a supervisor! All she was concerned with was being shorthanded. I think it's a good idea that you're staying away until you work through the anger you feel towards them. I think that going back before that would just cause you more trouble and resentment. I hope that whoever they get to replace that supervisor has more compassion and understanding
That's a good idea with the restaurant. Do you find that a lot of the dishes contain black pepper?
Omgosh I hope they stay safe! I've heard that this storm is really bad. I hope the airport has safe places to put people in events like this.
Lol yes! You'll definitely have to dust and make sure all the plants are still doing ok. When I watch the neighbors place they leave me a list of instructions or I will forget something. But I do the same for them too just to be certain. Boy I'm not a fan of dusting though
I just filled up today. On Sunday I'm meeting with my father's GF so we can scatter his ashes. I have to be honest I'm not really looking forward to it.
Will you make a meal for your parents when they return? Unless their flight gets delayed of course or they get in late.
That supervisor who's retiring.. she worked as a nurse in her earlier years, but at a different hospital.. so, when she assigns nurses to ORs, I think she favours certain people.. that's why, not many of the nurses really like her as a person.. but, for those that get along well with her.. they're all like, "once you get to know her, she's very nice".. But then again, she isn't the easiest person to approach.. a lot of the times, she's got this poker face on.. At least for myself, I feel intimidated every time I have to go talk to her..
I find that in western restaurants.. they use pepper for a lot of fried batter.. or there may be sauces that contain black pepper.. That time.. we went to Red Robins.. and I ordered like a chicken caesar salad.. thinking it should be safe.. but, they fried the chicken, and when I looked at it, the batter seemed to have black spots on it.. So, when I told the waitress.. they just ended up stripping the batter and took out the croutons, and removed the salad dressing.. as she claims her and her manager read the ingredients, and said there were spices (so, there's a possibility of it including black pepper and dill - which I'm allergic to both).. So, I ended up just asking for the plain balsamic and olive oil for dressing. As for Chinese restaurants, since my family knows I'm allergic to black pepper, they would just make sure the dishes doesn't say it's made with black pepper.. otherwise, I'll just not eat it..
My dad usually reminds me about his plants the day he leaves for a trip.. telling me some has to be watered once a week or every several days.. but, I always confuse which plants require which watering cycle.. So, now, I just go by the touch of the soil.. or I'll life up the pot and see if it feels light..
So, I got off the phone with my mum this morning.. She said the captain made an announcement this morning (their time) and explained a situation that has happened on this cruise.. There had been 3 passengers that needed medical attention.. One, there was an announcement asking people who can transfuse blood, another time, medical staff were called to a room on the same deck as my parents, and another medical incident.. So, the Captain explained that he had been working with the coastguard the past couple of days, asking if we could get those 3 passengers on land to be sent to the hospital for further treatment.. as the Cruise has limited equipment.. So, early this morning.. the had to evacuate 2 decks of passengers, in preparation for a Helicopter to lower a stretcher and nurse.. Then, the nurse was then airlifted with the patient back into the Helicopter.. then, the other 2 passengers, were taken by boat.. as they were still unable to park by the port, but tried to get as close as possible..
With the hurricanes and the air flow of the hurricanes.. my parents' cruise is delayed.. Now, it is said until the 11th.. but, it depends on the winds in the next couple of days, to know whether or not they'll be able to port on the 11th.. They are currently staying away in a the Bahamas.. But my parents said, their flight route, crosses over the hurricane area.. so, she's grateful that they are able to wait it out on the cruise, than in a hotel at the airport.. Princess has also provided all passengers free wi-fi for the extended days.. and for those who bought the beverage packages can continue on with them.. You know how my dad bought internet for 2 days, he got a 50% refund, since already used one day of it.. that's nice.
How are gas prices where you are at? It's been really expensive here.. I'm not looking forward to the price tonight..
Scattering ashes.. that's going to be hard.. Last week, during our group session.. two people were talking about the ashes.. One of them, was like she kept her son's ashes in his bedroom, afraid to approach it or move it away.. Another couple who lost their daughter said the funeral home offered them to have the ashes made into jewelry.. so, they have necklaces made, and brooches for each sibling to keep.. Is this something that could be offered with your father's ashes? That way, it'll be like he's always with you.
I don't know if I'll make a meal for them for when they return.. I hardly want to cook myself food.. let alone, for the family..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Oh she's one of those supervisors:/ She favors the people that basically suck up to her and stroke her ego. I can imagine she has a very stern face
With the black peppers, a lot of the times I can visually see them.. otherwise, I'll be able to taste it in the first bite.. I remember a few months ago, my mum and I went to another hospital as my dad needed a minor procedure done in his neck.. My mum and I went to the cafeteria (this is the same hospital where I did my practicum before).. and I ordered like a breakfast wrap.. The name card didn't say there was black pepper in it.. but when I took the first bite, I tasted it.. I felt my lips tingle a little and my face started getting itchy.. So I went back and ask them if they had something else without the black pepper.. The lady ended up making something from scratch instead, something equal to the price I had paid.. Then, she was like, many of the pre-made wraps and sandwiches will have salt and pepper.. then, she went on, it'll be the same if I went to coffee shops and ordered from them too.. (I guess, that just proves I don't eat out that often, so I didn't know)..
My parents messaged me today, they said, although they are in a spot away from the hurricane, they still don't know if they'll be able to dock by Friday yet.. The captain hasn't made any announcement yet.. I told them, their extension is like a free trip..
I was surprised our gas price dropped.. Usually, when I go fill it up when my light comes on, it costs just under $100 CAD, but last night, it was around $75.. So, not bad.. Except, my light haven't come on yet.. it only came on when my car was on the driveway, but it was getting close..
So, today's counselling session.. we still haven't worked on that anger yet.. I brought up a lot of other things.. especially with my past history with depression and the lack of support I had there.. I talked about how I shared in Group last night.. Last night's topic was "loneliness and sadness".. So, repeating to the counsellor what I shared, and she linked that it seems that both with my depression and now this grieving journey, that I had a lack of support from family.. And how lonely it made me feel.. as I felt with the depression, I had to hide it from my family.. and now, with the grief, because I'm the only family member impacted so greatly, in a sense, I'm grieving alone at home too.. And going to Group Support is the only the breathing hole for me.. where I don't have to cover-up my true feelings..
You know, dogs are very loyal.. I often see clips on the internet.. that a dog would cry at their owner's grave.. I saw another clip once.. where a homeless person was taken away by ambulance and their dog kept chasing from behind.. Ambulance eventually stopped and let the dog in.. I think, just how some dogs are trained to alert their owners for medical reasons, they will also know that their owners are now in an urn.. Dogs are very smart beings.
So, when I went for my comfort food today, I asked the waitress if she changed her hairstyle.. She was like, I'm the first to notice.. lolz.. So, I went on to ask her if she works there all day (as they open 11am - 11pm).. She says only for the first 5 hours, through lunch.. then, she has a second job at another restaurant.. next time, I'll ask her where else she works.. She asked me, if I worked nearby.. I told her, I'm taking some time off at the moment.. but I do have something going on Wednesday mornings, so I go there afterwards.. So, we're like.. "see you next week!"..
So, as planned.. I went to the mall afterwards.. To pick up some snacks and bread, stopped by the Apple Store to ask about my computer.. the solution was to bring in my Mac Mini for the tech to check.. Or, I could just ignore the messages and window that keeps popping up for now.. I also picked up some mouthwash.. I found a store carries it in 1L.. rather than the 500mL in other stores.. It was a brand recommended by my dentist.. so it serves a different purpose compared to the regular Listerine type..
Oh yea, when I was at the Asian Grocery store.. in the produce area.. a couple walked past me.. the lady looked at me a few times, I couldn't recognize her.. but I heard her whisper to her husband my name, and out of the corner of my eye.. I saw her point at me as she said my name.. And there I was thinking, I have no idea who she was.. I didn't even bother trying to remember who she was.. lolz.. I don't have the best memory at the moment.. Usually at times like this, I'll keep thinking about it, trying to remember who the person was.. But I find, with the grief now, I could care less who they are.. Thinking back now.. it still doesn't ring a bell who they were.. My best guest is some people from my parents' church.. maybe I had once attended church with my parents and that couple was there and recognized me..?
Yea.. like this morning, I ended up waking later than I wanted (I snoozed in, because I was awake from 4-5:30am).. I still washed my hair first, but didn't have time to make toast.. so, just ended up with eating yogurt and blueberries.. didn't even have time for coffee.. So, I just went to a cafe near the counselling place and ordered a cappuccino instead.. Turns out.. it wasn't a regular coffee shop like Starbucks.. but an actual restaurant that serves brunch.. The name of the place was misleading.. Being named as "The Hard Bean".. makes it sound like a coffee shop like Starbucks.. Luckily, they still allowed me to order the coffee as takeout.. and I promised I'll try their food next time.. I only had like a half hour when I got there, so, not enough time to sit and eat..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm so sorry for not replying sooner. I had to go out of town for this thing with my father's ashes.
My parents came back Saturday, they took Uber home from the airport. I figured you were busy with the ashes.. Talking about ashes, Grandma is now reunited with Grandpa.. after 38 years apart, they are now together..
No, I don't have an Epi Pen.. But I do try and have regular over-the-counter allergy pills with me.. that is, if I remember.. nowadays.. with the memory.. and I don't think we have any valid pills in our medicine cabinet.. I believe what we have had all expired.. Because the reaction is usually just red, itchy bumps on my face.. aside from the dill, where my lips numb.. I've never had a time where it affected my breathing.. so, I never thought an Epi Pen would be necessary.. The only time my breathing was affected.. was a few years ago.. When I was working.. they must've changed the detergent for the hospital scrub that one time.. I was reacting to it greatly.. itching face, neck, upper body.. and my airway felt like it was shrinking.. Luckily I work at the hospital.. and the ER is not too far away.. There are also ingredients in Shampoos that I'm allergic to.. but, it's difficult knowing which ingredient exactly.. My brother recently bought me ones that says it's hypoallergenic.. it's still better than the other ones.. but, when I wash it off, if the water goes over my face.. some areas on my forehead still gets red..
Oh my gosh.. I went to sleep last night, around 1am.. was awake at 4am.. didn't fall back asleep until 7am.. and woke up at 9am.. I'll definitely need to nap again later.. Today's Thanksgiving for us.. It's also going to be raining all week.. poor dog.. he hates the rain..
We used to have a Golden Retriever.. but we had to put her down at 10 years old, as she had a tumour pressing on her bladder.. and the vet was like, at her age, it won't be worth the $$ to have surgery to remove it.. she was having trouble releasing herself and definitely losing the appetite to eat.. She laid on my lap when they gave her the shot.. and I felt she gave a sigh of relief.. We didn't grieve much when she passed.. but we often mentioned about her.. Even now, we'd compare my brother's dog to her behaviour and personality..
My brother was saying.. the waitress should give me like a VIP discount.. lolz
No.. I didn't take my Mac in.. let's see how long I can take before I get annoyed with the window popping up.. it's weird.. like the window that pops up is one account.. but the Apple ID email that I'm logged in at in the Settings is a current email address.. So, I don't understand why it's different..
I think the constant fog.. it's like because I'm so tired/sleepy all the time.. that it worsens it too.. Since I'm not working, nor do I have the interest to work on my own business.. there's nothing to feel "behind" with.. I just hope I'm somewhat more awake for tomorrow's session than I am now..
You know.. when I walked past the Hard Bean.. it looked like a normal coffee shop.. as I only saw customers sitting by the window eating like a sandwich and having coffee.. then, when I looked at their logo again, in smaller print.. it does have the word Brunch on there.. See.. if it wasn't for the grief and the brain fog.. I would've noticed things like that.. I did tell the guy that made the coffee that I'll come and sit down to eat next time.. So, I'll see how well I can sleep these couple of nights.. see if I could wake up in time on Wednesday to go eat before my appointment..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Aww I'm so glad that they're finally together. That's such a long time to be apart. That is so wonderful to think about them being reunited but bitter sweet for the ones that grieve their loss.
Omgosh.. I just wrote a long excerpt and it says it sounds like my post has something harmful and won't let me post it.. I've copied and pasted it somewhere, and I'll take a look at it again tomorrow.. But I don't see what it is that looks harmful or portrays a crisis.. I don't like it when I get messages like that.. when there is no intention of anything like it.. Makes me go back and look to see what needs to be re-worded.. it's annoying..
@mytwistedsoul
So, I didn't end up going for groceries after filling up my gas tank.. I talked/shared tonight in group after watching the video.. so, wanted to get home earlier..
Instead, I'll head over to the mall after my comfort food tomorrow.. Get groceries then.. as well as, see if I could drop into the Apple Store and ask a question about my computer at home.. I'd better now watch dramas tonight in bed.. I gotta wake up earlier enough to wash my hair before I leave for my counselling appointment.. as usual, arriving earlier and walk around the park first. I just hope it's not raining.. I was lucky it didn't end up raining tonight either..