Good moments 🌈

i'm sorry i've been missing posting lately. on sunday i didn't have wifi and also got busy with schoolwork hehe. last night i started typing and started feeling so sleepy that i decided to stop and go to sleep. right now i want to do this but i'm too sleepy so i'll just post for today and go to sleep.

tuesday (17th dec): today unfortunately started of horribly. i felt miserable – just felt so down and depressed and was having very bad thoughts. but then i decided to sit and watch some youtube, and i found something that was extremely comforting. i felt so much better after that. it really comforted me and reminded of the tiny good, safe and comforting things in life, in a world that feels like a very bad, unsafe and uncomfortable place. and i got my magical wave of feeling good for today.

eating an apple this morning for some reason felt so nice. and it's really cold today so sitting down in front of my room heater feels good. showering too. i always love showering, but i love it even more in the winters and getting out of the shower is so hard.

at school later today (because of sports day), i overheard someone saying "physically i'm fine. mentally i'm not." you know that feeling when you hear something so very relatable? it feels good, doesn't it? i can really relate to being fine physically but not mentally. that is me most of the time to be honest, except the times when i'm not fine physically as well and the very rare times when i'm fine mentally.

i also saw some kids supporting and encouraging someone who was crying. it gives me hope whenever i see people being emotionally supportive, especially if i see it in real life.

also, it was good to finally get to drink water and eat something after our marchpast. i was so crazy thirsty, and actually hungry too.

it was nice seeing how happy people of my house were in the sports day, even though we came third. we were celebrating coming third and not last because for the last few years we had been coming last. even this year, we were low on house points but we caught up and made it to third position. it doesn't really matter to me and i don't care but it's good seeing people happy. i want people to be genuinely happy.

i found a song today and though it's not super relatable, it's really comforting somehow. it made me cry so much. crying helps me feel better a lot of times. i really cried a lot and felt a little lighter afterwards.

i think that's all i have for today.

@exuberantBlackberry9105

today my cat came to me in my bed and curled up next to me as a little spoon... it was splendid, best day of my week

wednesday (18th dec): lying down in bed hugging my pillow when i'm supposed to be getting ready for school. my bed somehow starts feeling so good and cozy early in the morning when i don't want to get up and go to school. it like it to be honest.

our maths teacher was in a good mood today. he was smiling and that was nice. especially since i saw him in a horrific mood on monday. it was nice seeing him in a good mood today. our english teacher too was in a good mood. when she came to class she was just chatting about random stuff before she even started teaching. other than that school has been awful today so i don't have much to share.

i washed my hair today and it feels so good afterwards. it was a mess before i washed it but it feels really very good now. showering felt good too. my hair feels really clean, silky and soft now and my shorter front hair is in a pretty shape, the way i like it to be. it even made me happily jump around a bit hehe.

my mother was explaining this physics chapter to me and it was really fun. whenever my mother's in a good mood while teaching me physics, it turns into something really fun and we laugh a lot. i also seem to understand things so far. my mother and i laughed so much today lol. also, later on, me and my parents laughed a lot about something our english teacher once said. and a youtube video also made me laugh. goodness, i've laughed so much today evening.

i also managed to get some work done in my physics notebook even though i feel really lost about what we're doing in school right now. i also managed to send notes to my friend who was absent today. i didn't think that i'd be able to send everything properly because i was really sleepy in school today and very lost, especially in physics.

something i had been waiting for forever finally happened today. my mother fired the maid. today at last my mother has had enough of the maid's bad behaviour and horrible work. she had been considering firing the maid for months now but she never did but today is finally the day she decided to not have her work here anymore because of how badly the maid lied and argued with my mother today.

i'm so glad i don't have to see the maid again because i always hated her and never felt satisfied with how she cleaned and it only kept getting worse. it also means i can get up a little later on weekend and my mother wont be so strict about me waking up at 8 am. and my weekend mornings will hopefully be less stressful if i don't have to worry about the maid coming at 9 am and me having to get ready before that. i am so very happy my mother finally made this decision today. the house is gonna be so much cleaner if she cleans it herself. this is so good!

i know i have missed days to post for but it's really late at night so i'll just post for today right now and go to sleep lol.

friday (20th dec): my morning today was so much less stressful compared to the usual morning when i'm home, all because no one was stressed about the maid coming. my mother woke me up at 8:30 am and i could take time to get ready after that. i even got to have my morning glass of hot water sitting in bed, before proceeding to make my bed, have breakfast, get my room tidy and start off with schoolwork. that was good. i got some work done.

today was my mother's second day of mopping the house herself. the floor feels sparkly clean now and i love it so much. i normally wear slippers at home but now i can walk barefoot and still nor get any dirt and dust on my feel. i can comfortably lie down on the floor, which is something i love doing ever since i was a kid. i even lay down on the floor and rolled around. yep, i temporarily went from a 14 year old teen to a 14 month old baby who loves rolling around on the floor. it really is fun! i love clean floors, my mother mops the house so well. i'm so glad we don't have a maid anymore.

i cleaned my bathroom floor today, like put on the cleaning solution, let it sit for a bit and then scrubbed it clean and stuff and it's so clean now lol. it feels so smooth and clean and the water stains are gone. i love it! looks like today is clean floor day hehe.

i found a song and i love it so much. the lyrics are so relatable and i finally know i'm not alone in questioning the point of everything. i love the tune too.

i went out in the balcony today evening to photograph some plants. it was nice being out there. the weather felt really nice and i wanted to go out and even asked my mother if we could go on a bicycle ride. she said no, but yeah, i was liking the weather.

my mother made aloo parathas for dinner today and it was lovely. i love aloo paratha and quickly finished up my dinner. it was spicy though but i even got to have some chocolate afterwards. plus, my father wasn't home for dinner today and my mother and i just enjoyed something so nice without him

i stood out in the balcony after dinner and it was nice. it's not very cold outside today but i like the weather anyway. i saw a few stars as well. though not to many thanks to light pollution.

hi, i'm back here after a really long time. i'm sorry i'm not being consistent with writing down my good moments. these last few days, for reasons i'm unaware of, have been a total emotional rollercoaster, constantly going up and down – the ups are so high and the downs are so low. have i had any good moments these few days? of course i have, some or the other good moment happens every day. and i've had some extraordinarily good moments recently. but unfortunately, also some unthinkably horrible moments that covered up the good ones and made writing here so hard.

something tells me that i really need to be trying to find the good though. so i'm here today. now, i know i could go back and write the good from the past few days. but it hurts too much to try to go back and think about them. so i'm not gonna do it, i'm sorry. i hope it's okay to just start from today.

thursday (26th dec): after a whole night of tossing and turning, i dismissed my alarm at 8:30 am and feel into some lovely sleep for an hour. my father didn't even come in to check in on my and wake me up. when i woke up, i actually felt quite good. i dunno how to explain it really, but my mood was kinda nice and i felt relaxed for a few minutes until all the stress kicked in.

and my father wasn't mad at me for waking up so late and stuff. he doesn't even know when i woke up. he literally does not care. he was in the kitchen making breakfast when i woke up and he said nothing about me waking up late. when i asked him what in english literally translates to "what news have you got?" (it means more like "what's up?" but i'm giving the literal translation), he started telling me the actual news, (for example, rained somewhere in my city) instead of going off about how i was asleep and he had to figure everything out in the kitchen by himself. lol.

last night i did an experiment. i got up today and realised that it was very successful. basically, my mother thinks it's a bad idea to put plastic (even if it's dishwasher safe) in the dishwasher, fearing that it will melt. she thus instructed me to wash my plastic water bottle by hand. and i'm too lazy to do that when i know it can be washed in the dishwasher. but i didn't want to risk melting an entire plastic water bottle. so while she's not home and i'm the one running the dishwasher, i took a plastic container of little use and put it in the dishwasher. it came out completely intact. so now i know it's safe to put my water bottle in the dishwasher. and i can share the results of this experiment with my mother when she comes home. so she too will have less work to do.

i felt good about being able to offer a bit of a listening ear to my cups friend who needed it this morning. it feels good to help.

i was feeling overwhelmed and panicking about wasting away my winter holidays not studying and just wasting my time doing useless things. worrying that i just have a week left and so much to do. i managed to calm myself down by telling myself that a week can actually be a long time if i do things to slow time down (basically spend less time on devices slows time down for me). i never know, this last week of holidays could go nice and slowly, it's not impossible. yeah it's a lot of work but it won't really be the end of the world if i don't get it all done. it just means it'll remain pending for later.

i was stressing about having a lot to do before showering and then having lunch. then i figured i actually don't need to do everything before showering. i don't even need to shower before lunch. it's of course better if i do, but even if i don't it works out. i guess i was just putting too much pressure on myself. i was able to first to the things that i really must, which was mopping the house, then have lunch, then do some other stuff and shower at 6 pm. which i know is awfully late, but who cares? 

i had to mop the house today. and yeah, the entire house all by myself. my father is least bothered to help me out. i managed to get it done though. mopping is so much easier than vacuuming lol. it's easier than my mother makes it seem. it went quite okay and i felt accomplished after getting it done. also, when i cleaned up the kitchen after lunch and got it done, it felt good.

in the evening, my father said that he was gonna go out to buy some stuff. i initially said no because i had chores left to do, wanted to do some cups stuff too and wanted to go to bed early. but then he suggested that if there would be less traffic, we could go for a little fun trip. that's when i remembered just how fed up i am of sitting at home all the time and how much i want to go out. and leaving the house after sunset is even better. so i agreed to go. and i have no regrets about going. yes, i had to do chores later, couldn't do cups work and am up late, but going out was fun anyway.

he first went to a medical store to buy some of his stuff. and there, i saw something i had really been needed – a particular moisturiser i badly need in winter. it's not a medicine or anything but they had it at the medical store anyway. normally, we buy all our stuff online, and for some reason this moisturiser had been permanently out of stock everywhere we looked online. but i found it at this store. that's so good! i didn't even think of looking for it in actual offline stores but i'm so glad i went with my father today and discovered it. and we also stopped by a stationery store and i could buy some stuff i needed. so glad i went, lol.

when we were on the way to a hardware store for my father to buy something, there was a huge crowd of people and loud music on the roadside. we stopped to see and asked people what it was. apparently it was a tamil folk dance. it was interesting. there was a person dressed as a peacock and another as a cow. never seen something like that before. it was nice seeing something new.

on our way back home, my father decided to go on some random roads just for fun. and it truly was fun. we were going through some not-very-used but public roads through defence land and it was so good. lately the weather has been very warm, but in this place with a lot of tress, it was actually quite cold and i love cold hehe. i was loving the cold so much and had a huge smile on my face the whole time. and my father was in a really good mood while we were out. he was taking to me and telling me stories all along while we drove around on the scooty.

also the tress in the dark. it felt like we were going through a beautiful forest. i could also see some stars and clouds in the dark night sky without too much light nearby. it was good. for a few minutes, i could feel my worries and pain lift off of me. until we came back into traffic and the wright of the world came over me again.

today for dinner i was able to use the roti maker to make myself rotis without any help from my father. normally i'm too scared to touch the roti because it's too hot and i feel scared and ask for help. but today i managed it all myself and it wasn't anything as hot as i thought it'd be. my fingers didn't burn or anything. and one of the rotis turned out really well. it could have been even better if i hadn't been multitasking and left my roti to burn on the roti maker.

after dinner i quickly loaded the dishes in the dishwasher and could turn it on early because i had already loaded the afternoon dishes before. so i got done with my kitchen chores early today. then finished putting the clothes to dry and then cleaned up my room. i can finally feel a little calmer with all the chores for today done. that's what i've been doing all day to be honest. 

i didn't study today, not at all. haven't even opened any books. but i'm happy to have gotten everything clean and tidy do hopefully i can study tomorrow. i haven't been feeling great today, but oh my gosh, that's so many good things that have happened!

@exuberantBlackberry9105

friday (27th dec): a quick little chat with a friend this morning and hearing that they're doing relatively okay really helped me feel better.

i had to make breakfast today for me and my father. i was just gonna toast some bread and butter them, but my father asked for jam on top of butter. that was surprising because he never eats jam and calls it "children's food", so i was like, someone has a change of opinion about jam today. and something about putting jam on bread felt so good lol. also, when i finished up all my work in the kitchen for this morning, i felt a sense of relief.

getting my room tidied up and finishing all my other chores for this morning fairly early was good. i was able to come to my room, sit down and try to focus on schoolwork. that didn't end well, but whatever. at least i wrote a few words. and my shower today was good. i managed to get ready in time for my father to not get mad at me.

lately the weather has been horrible. so cloudy and gloomy. i love cloudy weather in summers and rainy season, but not in winter. i want the sun in the winter, not a grey cloudy sky. but for a moment, the sky cleared up. it was so bright blue, and there were fluffy white clouds. i couldn't believe my eyes. normally we get this kinda sky in sptember-october, not december. but yeah it was lovely and took some amazing sky pics from my bed room window.

the ride to the airport to pick up my mother was fun. it was nice being outside home during the day, i'm tired of being home. i felt good to be out. the ride home was awfully awkward but the good part was that the sky was so... unique. the sun peeking from behind the clouds. it looked wonderful. i got to take some stunning sky pics. i haven't taken any similar pictures before and i loved doing what i got to do today. some of the pics turned out wonderfully, i feel.

my mother came home and scolded me about already having loaded the washing machine with some dirty clothes. because she needed an idea of how dirty they were to know how much more detergent to put. the went on an on about how i always only add to her work and never truly help. i was so deeply hurt and just said sorry. but then something totally unexpected happened a little while later. she came to me, gave me a very needed hug, and apologised for scolding me. she admitted "how were you supposed to know not to do that? i know you were just trying to help. thank you and i'm sorry." it made me so emotional. that's the first time in months that she ever apologies for scolding me. and course i forgive her, i understand what she's going through. all i need to forgive her is a little apology.

saturday (28th dec): today started off great. my mother was in a lovely mood this morning and was nice to me when she woke me up today. it really made me feel good and fresh. and it's nice to have someone come and wake you up instead of having to wake up to alarms and phone calls. so yeah, it was nice. i got ready, had my water and stuff, and then when i was supposed to make my bed, i decided to lie down for a bit. it somehow felt so good in there.

my mother was really nice this morning. during breakfast, we both were talking about my father and uncle and a lot of funny stuff happened. and she also called me her little lawyer for standing up for her when my father argues with her and makes fun of her. to be honest, i like hearing her say that. it makes me feel good about myself.

i got started with schoolwork at 11 am and actually got a bit done. not as much as i'd have liked to, but it's still something. i washed my hair today. it felt really good. my hair has also been feeling good afterwards. oh, and for a little while today the sky looked so blue with fluffy white clouds. i love that hehe and took some pics.

lunch today was excellent. not the food itself but all the fun i had with my parents today. i don't remember them all, but i laughed a lot over some amazing jokes. it all felt really good. and when my father tried to mock me, i somehow started laughing really hard. not trying to laugh on purpose or anything. and his mocking didn't even hurt me today. i just laughed and it never really got to me.

in the afternoon today after lunch, i stood in the balcony to feel a very warm breeze, like the ones in late february and early march. it was kinda good. then came a huge pleasant surprise! it started raining! it got me so crazy excited and i started jumping around. i love rain like crazy, okay? have loved it all my life. it's one thing that always helps my mood no matter what. now it never rains here in december. but today it did. and i loved it to much. i took some amazing pictures standing in the balcony while it rained.

our mattress toppers were being taken care of today afternoon down in the parking, and my father called me down for a while to see how they were doing it. i was just busy watching it rain though. the air was cool and i was loving it. it made me feel so alive. then i asked my father for his phone and tried taking some pictures.

and also, i got wet in the rain a little bit. normally i never do, because i fear the rain will wash away my eyebrow makeup. but lately i haven't been pulling my eyebrows much and they're slowly growing back. i do still need to be careful for to wash the makeup away, but i feel a little more free to get wet in the rain and get water on my face because i know a little washing away won't drastically change my looks. i love this freedom, although i'm unsure of how long it'll last. also, this is the first time in ages i felt comfy getting slightly wet in the rain. i normally always try to stay dry in the rain but today i purposefully got wet just for fun.

and i had a few laughs over dinner. after dinner, my mother came into my room once saying she wanted to see how my bed looked with the 'fixed' mattress topper, and her reaction was so funny when she saw that i had already redied my bed for sleep, like putting on the mosquito net and stuff. her surprise on her face and her reaction overall was just so good to see and made me laugh. she went away saying she'll inspect my bed in the morning, lol.

okay, being sleepy is a good thing? i am literally so sleepy i'm packing up and going to sleep right now, it's 11:10 pm. haven't felt so sleepy in a long time. i guess i'm finally sleepy because the stress of managing household chores has been lifted off me and now i only gotta worry about school?

i'm sorry i havent been posting here lately. it's hard to find the motivation to do this. but today something extremely good happened today and i feel like it's really worth writing about. the rest of my days lately have just been... something. nothing much special to talk about. something wonderful happened. i think i really should write it down.

monday (6th jan): today my mother has been so unbelievably good to me. it feels so good. she said something that made me feel good about myself for once. finally she told me something good about me, something she likes about me. i really needed this. she told me that my logical reasoning is very good. i dunno what that means, but it feels really good to hear. my mother's always criticizing me and telling me all sorts of bad stuff. hearing something good for once and of course i believe it if she says it and it feels so good.

that happened at lunch today and after that i was just feeling so good for a while. i felt some wonderful emotions that i never get to feel. and then i was kinda worrying about the future and kinda talking about it, and she told me "just focus on studying for your 10th boards now and don't worry about any about after that. one step at a time." i cant explain how good that feels to hear. especially from my mother. she never says that kinda stuff.

and in the evening i kinda went to her room because i had been in my room for hours and not seen her. when i went, she put her phone away for me and when i hugged her and she actually hugged me back tightly for once, she hardly ever does that. and later in the evening i asked for permission to take and nap and i got permission. i don't usually get it later in the day but i guess she let me do it because she knows i was studying until pretty late last night, even if she didn't know exactly how late, and decided to let me rest.

and during dinner we could even have a pretty nice convo and it felt good, and ladyfinger sabzi too, which is something i like. i can't lie, i really, really, love how she's been treating me today. it feels so good. i wish this would last forever. i don't know what has happened today but whatever has, i love it. i guess my mother just liked getting a break from me after 17 days of be being home? yeah, that's my guess. so when i came come after my exam, she was being nice to me.

and a little bit of the other good stuff today was the sun at 7:30 am on the way to school. it was such a beautiful reddish-orange and good to look at. i had social studies exam today and the geography section went relatively well, so that's good? i wont know until i know my scores though.

and on the way home from school, i had my friend wave to me from her bus while i was in mine. that's really good because now i know she's not very mad at me or ignoring me because i haven't really seen her since 19th december, though we've exchanged a few messages, that was nothing much and i skipped school on 3rd jan and didn't have her message me at all, so i was pretty concerned. but she was looking for me in the bus and seemed happy to wave to me. that's a good sign. i wish we could've talked, but this is still good.

@exuberantBlackberry9105 :)