Milestones or Steps Completed! Share and Celebrate Here :)

I feel lost.

I am a wondering soul.Show me the way and let me see the light a midst the clouds. I am lost. I need help. Unchain me. Cleanse me. Make me forget just help me forget all about it. The monsters that chained me, let them suffer. I must move on but how? How will I move on from something that made me disgusted with my own self. I didn't choose to be like this they all triggered it. They talk to me as if they know everything but they don't and they won't. I don't need those pity eyes I am so tired of them. They just make me feel less. I'm strong thats what they say if they only knew how shattered I am, how I mourn each day for myself, how unrepairable I am. I wish someone was there to know what happened to me but then no one knows except for the strangers across the screen. No one is actually there to understand what Im going through except to those few but then they are all across the screen. Why I didnt tell it then? Its because sometimes you have to sacrifice something for the greater good. So that you won't break anything so that you wouldn't be treated different, so that even if I know I am not ok they'll see Imok and there sweet smiles wouldn't vanish.

Sometimes I think life is cruel but it is not. Whats cruel is the people who are surrounding us. We are all a victim of something but then who isn't? Life is never been perfect for me and it'll never be unless I make myself one which needs a lots of steps and sometimes I am just tired of being a silent abused and exploited person.

To those out there dont be like me speak out your voice so that you may be heard so that you wouldnt end up like me still shackled from the ugly past that keeps me in the shadow. To be toonear to the light yet too far to break free from my shackles.

To those trying to grow,

Don't ever give up. Live to see another day. I'm still trying to change, and I will.

One thing I've learned on 7cupsis that you shape your own destiny, and that everyone hates Mondays. When meeting someone new, you can't go wrong with a smile. If you're anxious or upset, breathing deep always helps.

I have been learning how to control my anxiety. I discovered that facebook causes me anxiety so I started reducing the time I am there

I've learned that self harm hurts others worse than it hurts me. I know I'm not alone and that I have a whole network of people to support me :)

Self harm doesn't solve anything but that doesn't mean you won't miss it. Continue staying strong no matter if its been minutes, days, weeks, months, even years it won't be worth going back to.

loving yourself is hard

Living. What does it take to consider yourself alive to consider that you are living? Is breathing enough? Is a functional heart enough? No its not its takes a lot for me to feel alive. I need pain sometimes to remind myself that hey you're still alive, you can still feel. I underwent suicidal once with a blade in my wrist theres blood and I know I'm still alive, I felt it but nobody knows what I did because they wont understand. I tried wounding myself next was my fist and knuckles until they bled, but then I moved on and stopped I've just been punching walls this time until my knuckles turn red. Why I'monly wounding my hands? Its because its a sinner it made me sin. It made me feel disgusted and guilty.

Because of the monsters in my past I have become like this. Dirty. Disgusted by myself. I become someone I didn't want to be. Someone I want to erase and to forgot. Someone who have to rely to someone other than my family because it was them who exploited me, other than my friends who only knows pity and always asking how did you let that happen to you? As if I wanted it to happen, as if it was all my fault. Making me more vulnerable to what I was really am. So I started to keep secrets, absorbing every single moment where others wont understand, when I'm all alone and havingepisodic attacks of the past.

Who was there to support me no one but strangers from sites like this that's why I'm thankful because somehow it made me release things. It made me cope up with life especially those times when they all started going back, those monsters that altered my being. That altered my life. I have a lot to learn, yes I forgave them or so I thought but I will never forget what they did. Its part of what I am now, its what's behind the beautiful facade I made to others.

This is me tainted. This is me looking for salvation. And this is me wishing to be set free from what had bounded me since that day.

Last month I was I was tired of sweeping things under the rug and acting like everything's OK. So I reached out to a former co-worker (who's also a friend) and opened up about how I was feeling. That was super hard for me, but it felt good afterwards. I've learned that true friends will stick by your side no matter how bad you're feeling. I'm glad that I took the chance and put myself out there. It's good to know that I have someone that cares about me and wants to help guide me through life.

I have learned that what I am asking from my partner is valid and realistic.

Reached step 10, I guess that's another step on my journey to healing.