Nobody really cared

@Vector5

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

it could bey  many things that you may never understand or will be explained to you. I find it interesting you feel differently about your mom as you said she came from toxic family and was conditioned to have kids.. but the same grace was not given to your dad... 

Kids that say "they never asked to be here"  etc .. that is everyone but holding on to that is keeping you in limbo .....instead of making the best of things and moving forward is the only option.

Most people are at one time or another disappointed in life or thinking there should be more. The thing i found as your whole post sounds like a person i know that are probably to this day waiting for their life to begin or wishing they had different people in family or life then they would have a better life. There is no do- over and even people with what we think are perfect family stumble too.   ......... How does it change you change it rewrite your story with a different perspective and go after what you want to try or do ... you need to go find life it doe not come knock on your door. 

@toughTiger6481

But how do I move on? It's all great to tell people to move on, do something, but what? What do I do? I am so heartbroken right now and literally have nobody around me to help. 

@Vector5

That is the thing we all have different things or ways to move on and no one can give you a map.

They may share what they did but you may not find that either reverent or practical in your case.  Mine is not a reflection on your issues only mine. 

So here goes ............I came from a very dysfunctional family .. one parent passed away early and other parent was not very good at moving on ..  That was not clear when i was younger as it is now. 

I took various jobs  that i excelled at almost all ...went to school for short term as i did not have money to blow or want long term debt ....... and networked with others ( who were successful) and created a fairly successful life.     

 My siblings did NOT .... they spent their life mad / feeling short changed and have these ideas that..... "IF ONLY" this or that happened they would be super successful.   In order to feel superior I feel they have around with people who think life is too hard it is not their fault and often have addictions and alcoholism.

 I was told for years any thing i accomplished was because of luck .... ( not work or good choices). Their failure or issues was all a result of past/ childhood etc. 

 There are tons of examples  of people ( I personally know)  who chose to break the pattern or those who like to not try as it was not meant for someone with a difficult background.   Many use the pain and anger as motivation to do better be better and if they have kids be a great parent to their child. 

That may not help you at all but i hope you find something to help you see life is a journey and taking steps is better then not moving. 

@toughTiger6481

Thanks for your response. 

I've actually been thinking about how siblings that went through the same abuse ended up living such different lives. I guess some people are just naturally more resilient than others. 

I tried so hard this past year to make things right and I feel like I used all my energy on this. Now I feel completely powerless and like all my energy is gone. 

But it's true that I get stuck in negative thinking loops that don't help me. I also spend a lot of time complaining instead of looking for solutions. It's true that, at the end, we all need to move on, but right now I don't have the energy to do so and just need some compassion. 

Mayeb after taking a break my will to try again will come back. 

Hello. Although my case is not as severe as yours. Right now I feel emotionally neglected and critisized by my mom. She feels so distant. I'm really hurt by that.

I believe the way we can overcome our situation is by accepting it for what it is. We must realize that this is our situation, and it is happening to us. We must acknowledge it, that they have acted this way, and caused us possibly life long trauma, much much hurt and mental and emotional problems. This is our startup material. Damaged and broken versions of ourselves arising from a broken childhood.

Secondly, we must realize that we can't undo time, the words they've said and not said, things they've done and not done. We can't change what has happened, we can only move forward.

We have to be patient with ourselves, and deal with parts of us that are still immature, because we couldnt develop those skills or areas of ourselves due to lack of proper parenting, or experiencing emotional burden during childhood. The childhood is the more sensitive and important phase of life, i believe. It is the best and most appropriate time to find yourself, discover what you like and dont like, who you are and who you aren't. Personally I've lost most of my childhood to mental and emotional problems, but thankfully I was able to start picking up in my late teenage times until now. However, I still deal with trauma every now and then. I'm currently 19. There is no age restriction to when someone can do something. You can be 40 and realize that you're not happy with who you are, your mannerism and clothing style and employment, and begin a self discovery journey. You'll thwn realize that the journey itself is giving you much happiness before you've even hit the destination. I've just recently, started to be a bit secure in who i am, and develop a sense of humour.

Last, we should be hopeful for a better future, that tomorrow wont be as hurtful as we are hurting today. Go ahead, experience life, experience all your emotions, your hurt, frustration, sadness, anger, confusion but also your happiness and peace and gratitude and excitement. Fall in love and have kids, if you'd like. The difference between you and your parents is that you won't treat your children nothing like you've been treated. Because you know how bad it hurts to be treated like that. How much life becomes difficult to be raised like that. Learn from your parents mistakes and be the bestestest parent for your children.

Strive to be a better version of yourself everyday, be patient with yourself everyday, and if you can try to forgive your parents everyday, for they know not what they do. In trying to resonate with and help you, I have found my answer as well.

I wish you well <3

@Goosty105

Thank you so much for this message! 

My main problem is that I keep trying and expecting from my parents what they can't give. It's so evident for me but to them it's like a different universe. 

I also just struggle with acceptance in general not only this. 

I hope that with work I will be able to accept it and move on. But I guess it will be a wound that will stay forever. 

I tried hard to make new friends lately and it ended badly. It just hurt me even more because I attracted the wrong people. 

I am afraid I will never have a "second family" of friends. I am terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. 

I've been going through a similar experience since childhood as well. I'm 23 now. I'm still stuck in a neglectful environment, unable to leave it. To no longer live with your caregivers is a strong advantage – it allows you the opportunity to form new connections. It's okay to grieve the childhood you lost. To feel your emotions and to eventually accept what happened, happened. But that doesn't mean you can't get a redo. You don't have to live with a void inside yourself. Living on your own is a chance to take control of your life, to no longer remain stuck in a state of wishing your caregivers would come around and love you as they should. It's not your fault they failed you. But you get to choose the kind of life you want to live now. Let that excite you. Your childhood was a loss, but your present and future is an opportunity to finally meet those needs. It's a completely unexplored path full of new experiences that're waiting for you.

What would heal your inner child? Was there a place you always wanted to go growing up, and never got to? Go there now, take yourself to that place. Was there a childhood food that always brought you comfort? Make it for yourself, and feel that comfort again. Give yourself what you always wanted as a child. Take the time to think of all those needs you have, and find ways to meet them. Nurture yourself the way you deserved growing up.

If you crave emotional intimacy and physical comfort, you can foster that as well. Forming close friendships, or even a relationship, can give you a chance to discuss those needs with them once you've built a strong connection. Let them show you that care. If you struggle to form connections, research into attachment styles + self love + what healthy relationships look like. Those skills take time to learn and develop, but they'll set you up for finding the right person, as well as being the right person for them in return.

If you feel this process could take too long, and you really crave the healing of emotional intimacy and physical comfort Now, then I'd suggest looking into a cuddle party! It's meant exactly for healing. It's something I'd personally love to join myself, if I could. Though you should always read into organizations and check credibility firstly, safety is priority. I think the concept is very worth mentioning and searching into. And if you feel money is a problem for all these goals, I'd also suggest learning how to budget. That will help you meet those goals. I hope this is helpful to you, and provides structure on that 'what to do' you were searching for, Vector. 🌻

@UnseenxUnloved

Thank you so much for your response! 

I've been trying some of your suggestions already but it didn't really work out. I tried to meet new people and have more social connections, but it didn't work out. I only attracted some negative people that made me feel worse about myself. But I'm still gonna socialize and maybe after some time will finally find people that will be nice to me. 

I also tried to love myself but it's just not working for me now. I've tried to tell myself that I'm worthy of love and a good human but I just can't believe it. 

I also tried to do more self care. It works for several days and then I stop again. 

I've been letting myself down a lot lately. 

But I will do my best to feel better even if it will take a long time. 

It's okay if you're falling down more than you are making progress. I can promise you it's part of the process as well. What matters is you keep trying, even when you're feeling hopeful or hopeless. Every little step you take contributes to your healing. After some time, you'll fall down as much as you're making progress. And after some more time, you'll fall down less than you're making progress. And after that, you'll only fall down occasionally, and start making progress in various and new fields. Never give up

I understand the impossible feeling around believing certain things about yourself. It's hard to convince yourself differently because those emotions are based in a long history of trauma. You've gathered reasons to feel that way over the years, and it's become deeply ingrained within you. It's something that will take a lot of time, patience with yourself, and self kindness to heal.

I know you have your reasons, but everyone is objectively worthy of these very human things: Love, respect, and value. When you go through life with this belief, it's the only things you allow in your circle, because you know you don't deserve anything less. You express your emotions and your needs, you set boundaries with how others treat you, and how you treat yourself. I understand this isn't easy to change, but I think it's helpful and worth mentioning as a resource. No matter the case, I really hope that you can find peace in time. I'm very sorry you have to go through this. I know it's hard, and I'd love to help more if I could.

@Vector5 I know exactly how this feels and at least your parents tried to fix you, mine thinks I'm being a cry baby and exaggerating. I really know how it feels and I'm sorry you had to go through that. 

@Amakablessed

Trust me, it's worse that they tried to fix me. They just treated me like something was wrong with me and didn't even want to take responsibility for their actions. They never saw me as a person that needed love, but just a crazy daughter that needed to be fixed. 

Yea