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UnseenxUnloved
6 490 M Embraced 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts163 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceDecember 1, 2023
Bio

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Just a lost 23 year old trying to find some help.

Recent forum posts
Need Parental Advice.
Parenting & Pregnancy / by UnseenxUnloved
Last post
 October 1st
...See more I'm 23 years old, soon to be 24, and I can't get on my feet. I have no family, no friends. No one to teach me how to drive so I can get to work. Food has always been very low access, which has caused me to become very physically weak and unhealthy. I weigh 118. I've lost almost 20 pounds just this year alone, and for that I'm unable to sustain a job regardless. All I have energy to do day-to-day is stay in bed. Just keeping up with basic self care is beyond exhausting, and I can't do it most days. My body is focused on survival. I've spent years reaching out to everyone that I can for help. Doctors, therapists, people around me, but no one knows what to do, and they give up after that. They leave me to stay in this situation. It's a pattern I can see continuing for the rest of my life. I do my part in seeking help, but it seems like everyone has failed me in providing it. I'm making this post because I'm still trying to find help for getting on my feet. I'm still searching for the right people. All I need is a place to stay temporarily while I study. I want to be independent, I want to be successful, I want to be healthy, I want to make new family and friends, I want an education, and I want to live my 20's, not waste them being stuck against my will. I work so hard to reach my goals—I'm currently trying to study coding through free websites—but all my effort means nothing when I'm in need of a little support towards my goals. Trying to learn these skills without proper support is impossible as well, I keep hitting deadends and can't progress. I honestly don't know what to do. I have so many aspirations, but no way to reach them. I don't want this post to sound whiny or pathetic. I've just been stuck in such a low place for so many years that I'm getting increasingly hopeless and desperate. I just want someone to see how much I want to succeed and give me a chance. To help me. To care about me. To be a friend, or family. This situation is incredibly painful, and I hope someone can provide honest help. It may sound unrelated, but I think it's worth mentioning that I've spent a lot of time dreaming about being 'adopted.' Having real parents, having that connection, that support, the love, namely from someone who has always wished to be a parent, but never had the chance to have a relationship like that themselves. In any case, thank you for taking the time to read this. Any resources would mean the world to me.
I Wish I Had Parents.
Grief & Loss / by UnseenxUnloved
Last post
 January 16th
...See more I feel like no one talks about the unique and isolating grief of having biological 'parents' that are alive, but have never been a true parent to you. Who have not provided you warmth, safety, comfort, love, or support–but all the opposite, and so much neglect all around throughout your life. It's like being an orphan without the validation. A silent, unseen grief without the closure of death. It's a wound that's held open. But the pain of that parental absence is the same as if they were never alive with you at all. There's no one to see you when you're at your lowest, no love to feel when all you need is a hug, no warm conversation to experience when you sit in an empty room, no guidance when you need to get on your feet and can't manage everything alone. It's just you fending for yourself, quietly, day by day, with no one to hear the crying. Despite now being 23, the pain of being unloved and neglected hasn't grown out of my system or healed. I am constantly wishing that I had a second chance at having a loving parent, or parents. - The discrimination of being FtM only serves to increase the absence of connection and worthiness of love in my life. No one seems to want or accept me for being different.
Feeling Unloved and Isolated.
Relationship Stress / by UnseenxUnloved
Last post
 December 2nd, 2023
...See more Growing up, I was never loved for the real me. I was left alone without anyone to comfort me when I needed it as a child. My only forms of comfort, or love, consisted of my journal, my imagination, or objects I befriended. I was so starved of love that it became the one thing I was the most possessive over, and wanted solely for myself–Unconditionally. At all times. I've come to learn that I can never have it in the way I desperately need it without witnessing societies perception of me as the monstrous, controlling, selfish boyfriend everyone should run from. I want to be loved, and loved, and loved so solely, to make up for all those years I was starving for it. There's a gaping hole inside my heart, and nothing seems like it can ever be enough to heal the damage it's sustained. No fraction of love I felt now could ever repair years worth of emptiness. I've become extremely jealous and possessive, unable to cope with the concept of letting someone I'm interested in have a life outside of me.  How can I ever live with that? If no one can love me so completely and exclusively, then maybe I'm better off on my own, without a single connection of any kind. I've been isolating for over 2 years. But that's it's own kind of misery. Isolation isn't sustainable. Of all the angles of myself that I can face and heal for the better, the pain of being half loved is one of the most agonizing emotions that I can't come to terms with. It's the one pain too deep, too tender, and too sore for me to change any other way. To let a partner have a life beyond me is to ask me to accept a barely full cup of love–and to me, with my love wounds, that's worse than none at all. It's a pain I can't withstand.  With a lifetime spent in isolation, all my heart wants is to leech, cling, and never let go of a lover for one single fraction of a second. Don't ever look away from me. Don't hear any voice except mine. Don't seek an outside world without my voice, my eyes, my touch, or me as a whole. I've never been one to beg, I'd rather detach, but deep down, I'm begging my absolute *** guts out for it.  I am a wreck. I'm beyond desperate for every drop of someone's love to be the one thing I can completely call mine, mine to the most minute, base level, and to fully own in life. Don't turn me away, don't tell me you need to have anyone else. 'Other friends.' I want someone to let me occupy every space of them. I want to let them occupy every corner of me, just as badly. All I want is to be close, in the most intimate way possible. I don't want to be seen as a monster. I want us to be a cocoon that nothing else can ever touch. I want to be closer to them than two twins safe in their mother's womb. My subconscious is pleading for someone to be the one place in life that I can feel completely safe and loved.  But, I've learned my needs are impossible. Unsustainable. Unhealthy. Wrong. No one can give me 100% of their time at all times, and make only me the center of their world, even if I can offer it. How is anyone possibly meant to heal a love wound this gaping?
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