I just need to hear it’s still worth fighting
I’m usually pretty good about encouraging others. But I’ve done all I can do for myself it feels. Over a decade of my 24 years have been dedicated to trying to cope with what I now know is BPD among other things, and even in the years since I got my diagnoses, I’ve only gone downhill. I try to stay hopeful but I can’t handle the fact that I constantly push away the very few people that love me because I’m so terrified they’ll hurt me like other people have in the past. But I also don’t want to go through life alone. How do you allow yourself to let go of the fear of what could go wrong and just allow yourself to trust that it can be different this time?
@whimsychaser99
If your friends are R.E.A.L, they won't push you away, I was nervous about talking about my own issues with my friends for awhile, (bad encounters with CPS bc my siblings did the same and their friends broke that trust, gee wonder why?), but I found one friend, who's in turn shown me this website.
If you have a friend you REALLY trust, I'd recommend talking to them, it's not going to hurt to try, and I think you'll appreciate the connection.
Thank you for sharing this, it helped a lot:)
@whimsychaser99
You know, when I was a kid, there were things like tape recorders. Me and my brother used it to record some music from the TV or radio stations. When we tried just to delete the old recordings, there was some noise on the cassette, and no longer needed melodies were quiet, but still barely recognizable. The best way was to record some new music on the tape.
I believe the memory of our past experiences may sometimes work this way.
I understand that some problems with your health might have limited your activities. But look, you've just tried some poetry. Occasionally, even bad things can bring some good results. So, maybe in a way, it is your time? 😊
This comment was really helpful for me. The analogy of using new memories to overwrite the old ones I can’t seem to let go of makes a lot of sense and I do think that’s the best thing I can do right now. Thank you so much for this:)
@whimsychaser99
Hi Whimsy, fellow BPDer here. I understand your sadness, fear and frustration 100%. I went through the same thing feelings, and often, still do.
One of the biggest and unfortunately hardest things to grasp for me is acceptance of where I am on my healing journey. Just like with everything, BPD can affect each of its sufferers in various ways, and in various degrees. This means healing isn't linear and the timeline to remission is sometimes very long for some.
One of the ways I fill my cup and connect with others is through groups like this and other likeminded communities and groups. I am in a point in my BPD where in-person and large group connection doesn't work well for me (regardless of how badly I want it). I need to be ok with this. I need to throw myself into self-development full throttle above anything right now.
I'm not sure if this helps but I wanted to just share with you how i'm coping and accepting where I am at this time.
Thank you! It does help me to connect with other people like you who can understand these feelings. Every day is an absolute battle and I think over time I just get so burned out on trying so hard to keep it all together and not allow my illness to affect the way I treat other people. I think what you said about knowing / accepting where you are personally in your healing journey is really powerful. I wish you all the best in your healing!!
its hard asf, and it really doesnt look like something is going to change. But that doesnt mean you arent strong, even superheroes need company and support! so dont give up on yourself! this is what makes you yourself.
@whimsychaser99 I have learned, especially as of late, that you are not alone. I have learned that reaching out takes courage and you have reached out. The courage for yourself is strong. It’s ok to be the one to help others, but you must take care of yourself as well! You are the only you that you have. Stay strong, stay positive! You aren’t alone!🙏🏽💪🏽🤙🏽
@whimsychaser99
I don't have BPD but I was moved by your post because I struggle with trust too. Lately I have focused my attention on my intuition, which I was programmed to ignore by my abusers. It is Hard!!! I feel like a pendulum constantly swinging from trust to fear. But I think that learning to trust my Self and trusting my intuition gives me confidence that I will make good decisions and steer clear of hurtful people. I used to blindly trust everyone until they hurt me. Now I let them earn my trust, if they can. It's a big change! It's challenging, but keep trying. Don't give up hope. There are still some good people in this world.
Hey. 🫂. Mental health struggles really impairs our hope for the future, don't they? I don't fully know the answer. I just trust that there is this higher power, the universe, full of love and happiness. And when I die I get to somewhere happy. That I'm doing the best I can in my current circumstances. That people also have their own issues and need to spread some compassion sometimes. That I trust myself to know what to do when something hurtful comes. That I do everything I need to do to educate myself for things in life. I don't know. Just rambling. I know it's ridiculous for some, but I would like to believe there is innate good and It is watching over me and guiding me in my journey.