Disagreement I had with my mom over my future
On Christmas, my mom came over to spend time with me and my siblings. It was great, we had Popeyes, played some games, it was fun.
My mom then brings up the future. And how we are gonna live our adult lives. I told her I wanted to be a traditional wife. And she was quite surprised.
I’ve grown up as the “gifted kid”. Got better grades (like usually straight A’s but I had times where I got B’s or C’s for a final grade), graduated high school at 15, yada yada.
Which i guess gave my mom the impression that I was gonna become a girl boss. Take on some challenging but well paid career path like being a lawyer or some sort of doctor.
And she told me as gently as possible that probably wasn’t a good idea because what if my husband leaves and I’m left with nothing and now I have babies to feed. And those are legitimate concerns, I’m not denying that. But I think that as long as I have a backup plan, and I do the preparations before becoming a trad-wife, I could make things work.
Because I’m afraid that if I do have kids, that by spending a lot of time working and taking care of the kids at the same time would be a lot of unnecessary stress that my kids are gonna in one way or another suffer, like through emotional neglect. And as someone who’s suffered from emotional neglect, I don’t want anyone, ANYONE, to go through that.
Perhaps I could get a job after the formative years that’s not entirely full time, but maybe part time, which would still help me pitch in financially so that not all of the financial burden is on my husband. And I told my mom all of that, but she’s desperate on me getting a degree, getting a job, and working, even as a mom.
Because jobs don’t care if ur a stay at home mom, if u have a Highschool degree, and no job experience, there’s no way an employer is gonna hire u. Which I understand.
But even then, if the job market is such trash then I could just move to another country where I can still live my dream. Idk.
Im just not sure that going into college, when you don’t know what you wanna do, and hoping for the best, is gonna be fruitful. I mean maybe it will, but in my case, since I know me, idk if that’s gonna work. I wanna know what I wanna do before I go into college so I’m not wasting my parents money, and also putting myself into a load of debt. Maybe it’s just from my personal issues that I think this approach won’t be so helpful for me, and I honestly do believe that’s probably it. But there’s probably also some truth to that, in that going into college and hoping for the best isn’t that wise, considering how much it costs, and how much debt you’ll be put under.
All I’m saying is that i don’t know if I should go to college or not. I’m not sure what job I wanna pursue, or how that and or college is going to get in the way of my other goals. I do know I’m set on wanting to be a stay at home mom as my primary job, and having my husband be the breadwinner or at least mostly. And I do know I’m set on not having a full time job or full time college classes during some parts of my future child’s life, maybe after a certain period, but that really depends on the circumstances.
I just don’t know if I’m thinking unrealistically. I wanna be a traditional wife, and I think that would give future me the most fulfillment. Maybe my thoughts would change but for now, this is what I want for my future, and depending on the circumstances I might need to work part time, or if I wanna work full time after a certain period in my child’s life, I could do that. But my mom thinks that’s not a good idea and I’m more than likely going to end up on welfare or homeless, and I guess she wants me to be working and be a mother at the same time.
So, any thoughts or advice?
@milkiiyy3303
Our lives take many paths and no one plan is ever guaranteed. I think going to college just to go is not in your best interest. If you developed a career in mind you can pursue it later as well.
Your thoughts may change on the trad wife thing but some thrive at that also.
I would always encourage people to always keep options open as life can change quickly. As wife and mom you may need work skills if example spouse could no longer work from illness or disabled or like what happened to me mom dad passed away in an accident.
in career choices/ jobs and even being a full-time mom ....until we are IN that situation there may be aspects we do not like and did not see when considering that path.
@milkiiyy3303
Wthout any details about her perspective, it is hard to tell why the disagreement; it could be a projection of what she thinks it is most important for life, a projection of her desires in a fulfilling life that she didn't had, a deterministic perspective based on her own experience... Altogether or even none of them. The fact is that she seems to be in desagreement with you because she cares about you... And that seems great for me - but again, I'm saying this without having a full perspective.
At the other hand... There is the Ikigai method for discovering what would be fulfilling (or close) for oneself.
Hope you to be well and achieve your goals. 👋🏻
@milkiiyy3303
I can understand your thoughts and worries and I guess your mother also has some valid concerns for your wellbeing and future. I guess I have also some of the same goals - I hope that if I marry that I can stay home and look after my family but I also know that things can happen, my husband could pass away or leave or become banckrupt or any number of things. For this reason I have been making a plan to work from home and possibly set up a online business - maybe in dropshipping or something else. I think that setting up a business is a good idea for women who want to stay at home and support a family - you can also do some part time work if you are interested. I mean, I know several women who run businesses from their home - some times a spare room. There is a divorced woman who runs a business from her spare room and another has a beauty parlour in a spare room in her house. My friend has finished a degree in Arabic but told me that she has no intention to go out and work as she has children, so she too is planning on teaching Arabic at home as well. So I guess it can be done - teaching and businesses can all be doe from home quite easily and online too. I guess it really depends on what you are truly interested in and if you would be interested in having a business online or working from home. Then you can plan any study around your interests and goals
@milkiiyy3303 I do not trust people anymore after years of jagged relationships with men that do not understand women that grew up emotionally abused or with emotional neglect, or my picker is broken... so, I would be weary. Nothing goes smoothly in this life it seems.
You can choose to be a trad wife, but I would think about part time work and getting a degree may be a good idea and gives you time to choose for yourself, which I think is most important.
@milkiiyy3303
I think that your mother, no matter what she thinks, she wants your future to be a good one.
Of course, you can have your own ideas and don't have to see that being a traditional wife would be bad - my friend's mother is a housewife, and although there is the occasional bickering and bickering in their house, it's just flirting as far as I'm concerned and it's already happier than a lot of people's marriages.
I think the key to all this is - your mum wants you to be independent, and that independence doesn't necessarily have to mean that you have to work, or be as successful as you want to be, but because without financial independence, whatever relationship is unequal - Including parents and children.
So my advice is that although you can choose not to work, you need to have a skill or a certain amount of savings so that if your husband treats you badly, you at least have the courage to be able to leave him at any time. This was the case with my friend's mother, she was very good accountant and despite being out of work for close to twenty years, when my friend's father lost his job, she was still able to quickly find a position and within a year earned the capital to help my friend's father start his business again.
Also, regarding the confusion about going into university, I'm sure many people are like you - I can relate, it's hard to get a clear idea of what you're actually good at or interested in after years of being taught the same thing, and then muddling through four years of university, and then graduating afterwards with no idea of what you can actually do.
I'm from China, where people see a gap year as a ‘sin’ and a waste of youthful time. I hope it's not like that where you come from - you can spend a year travelling, reading, exploring what you really like and then make a decision, life is a long way and I'm sure if you're happy, your mother won't be so strongly against it.
