why
the one person i really thought understood me, liked me, was there for me, is gone. late last year i finally met someone that i actually had a good connection with. we were both in disastrous situations in our lives and while we did bond over these common issues, we also just clicked so well. same sense of humor, same energy, we just clicked, you know. he brought so much joy into my life and i am awful at socializing so it was nice to be talking to people again.
and once again i was too naive to see that he just used me. he just wanted to use me to help him through a heartbreak and some other rough feelings, and then he ghosted me. last we spoke, i asked him how he’d been, he said he’d been going out with someone and made some new friends, didn’t ask anything at all about me so it really felt more like i just gave an interview. we went from talking every single night to nothing.
for some context, i had not spoken to a single person in months. this was the first time in years i thought i had made a real friend. i could relate so much to him but forget it. i was wrong yet again and left all alone. i know this is just life’s cruel awful way of telling me that i need to take care of myself for once and that no one will save me, but why is it that i am literally always willing to help out someone but when i’m in deep s*** everyone and everything around me disappears?
i care so deeply that i always wind up finding myself in situations where it seems like i have not done a single good thing for myself but i’ve helped everyone around me. but i’m not a cold and careless person, i can’t force myself to become that way and stop worrying about people around me.
to this dude that i actually thought was pretty cool, i miss you even if you couldn’t care less about me. i’ve already become used to the isolation again, i’ve already found good distractions, but man did it feel good to be heard again.