peaceandblessings Member Profile

I miss you like crazy

Relationship Stress / by peaceandblessings

May 6th

...See more (this is a letter directed to my ex, just writing my thoughts and feelings as if I were speaking them to him helps me to process my emotions) Dear H, Humans have existed for millions of years. The odds of us being alive and conscious at the same time in this infinite universe are smaller than we could ever comprehend. And the odds of us even meeting? Of the literal billions of people on this earth, the fact that we ever met is an incredible feat in itself. H, my darling, darling H, I love you wholly. I love you passionately. I love you obsessively. I love you painfully. I cannot begin to state just how much you changed my life. I cannot exclaim enough just how lucky I am that I ever met you. Loving you is both wonderful and so painful. Did you ever love me more than I loved you? I doubt it, even if you said you did. But perhaps you really did, and it was your deep-rooted fear of loving unconditionally that made you push me away. A fear you weren't even aware of. One day you'll learn of this fear and it will shock you into many more realizations. Of all people, you pushed me away. The same person you saw as.. special. All the songs that say you always hurt the one you love the most, those timeless tunes resonate even today. Isn't it just glorious how consistent human nature is? How after all these years, we still push and hurt those who we love the most. I'm starting to forget certain memories of us that I once held so close to my heart. it's terrifying to know that time is forcing me to let go. I both want to and need to, but it's the last thing I truly want to do. I want to scream how much I love you. I want to shower you with the real, genuine love you never received. What a tragedy it is to spend a lifetime not knowing what love really is. I used to think I would never know what love actually feels like, but now it's clear and bright like the sun shining through my window. It's not a thing, it's just the way in which I see. It's in everything around me. I choose love; I choose to love and accept, rather than hate and reject. You reject so many qualities about yourself that I am so enamored with. It's exactly what I was like, before I met you. But you made me love myself unconditionally, wholly, fully, entirely. You made me realize what it's like to just love. And I will always love you for that. You hurt me, pushed me away, confused me, but you also gave me a priceless gift that I could never pay back in full. Your absence only confirms it; the way I see the whole world around me is completely different now. Your presence and your impact on me is sprinkled over everything now. I love this world more now knowing that you exist, that your being is out there, a part that makes up this lifetime we both exist in. I don't care what you say, or what anybody says. This is my truth and it's irreversible. I am only full of gratitude for the light and wonder that you brought back into my world. An innocent, unconditional love that I forgot even existed. I feel like a happy, naive child again. Your heart is more enormous than you realize and I'm sorry you haven't grown enough to be able to accept it. I'm sorry you ran away again from the things that make you scared rather than facing them. I wish that one day you'll want the best for yourself like I do enough that you won't feel smaller than your fears. You deserve it. I love you. - The girl you once loved

struggling through my first ever breakup.

Relationship Stress / by peaceandblessings

April 21st

...See more there are no words to accurately portray the incredibly fast roller coaster of emotions that i've been through in just the last few months. I went from being terrified of love, to falling in love, to rejecting my own feelings, to facing my fear and letting myself openly love, to now accepting that the timing for us just wasn't right. my love has gone missing. it's a long story I might write about another time, but for now, he's unable to love, and all I can do is accept the reality of the present moment. I can try to move on, but I just can't make myself forget about everything that was once mine, every little moment of sweetness that I once shared with him throughout all the days. i'm tired of hearing so many people talk about an instant glow-up right after a breakup and moving on overnight. that's not how I want to process this breakup. I want to honor, and remember every little detail of this beautiful experience. these things, these romantic and vulnerable things never happened to me often. he was my entryway into becoming familiar with unconditional love, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to look back fondly on our connection, rather than shame or judge myself for not moving on quicker, or try to find reasons why it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it wasn't meant to be right now, maybe once things are better for us it'll be meant to be, and maybe it never will. No one can predict that, so I'd rather not even spend any of my time trying to find a logical explanation to this or create some sort of timeline. I don't want any of that. I just want to share the love I had and still have for him. I want to openly and unashamedly share the time we spent together. It wasn't time wasted, it wasn't anything to regret, it was an experience I hope I always remember. I know he doesn't see himself the way I see him, but wherever he is right now, I hope he can feel the deep love I'll always carry in my heart for him. I hope it can bring some light into his life. He is such a wonderful person and I just really wish for him to feel that way about himself someday. He deserves way more than he believes he does. He has such a beautiful soul. I feel extremely lucky that I ever got to even know that he exists. And especially to have built something so special with him. My heart is hurting both for him and for his current absence in my life. Everything feels different without him. It's as if his spirit remained in every place that reminds me of him. It's like he's still here with me, like he never left. I look at myself in the mirror and I can see him standing beside me. Every sound, every object, looks, sounds, and feels suddenly loud and bold. He has a gentle and calming nature, yet his presence was potent enough to make everything else in the room disappear. Without him, it's like I'm coming back down from a cloud where time stood still just for us. I look back and it's like it all happened in a flash, but I could swear time had stopped whenever we were together. Not talking to him every day is very strange. How easily we connected and how naturally we could hold conversations, is something that will always be so special to me. Even in spite of our differences, we could talk as if we'd known each other our whole entire lives. Perhaps he was someone important in a past life. All I know is I'm grateful that I get to be alive at the same time he is. I will always love him, for the great, childlike joy and wonder that he brought into my life. I'm so lucky that this was my first experience in love. Thank you endlessly for all that you made me realize. Thank you for making me remember what it's like to feel so strongly again. May I always look back on our history with love and bliss.

Struggling to Understand My Feelings (Update from Last Post)

Friendship Support / by peaceandblessings

February 26th

a sad little story

Depression Support / by peaceandblessings

February 22nd

...See more As I'm writing this, I'm listening to one of my favorite songs to cry to; telephones, by vacations. I recently lost touch with someone who meant a lot to me and he doesn't even have the slightest clue. I have been depressed for years now, but slowly improving (yay), I've been up and down too much and it's the most exhausting thing I have ever experienced. I'm high functioning for a bit but I quickly lose all steam. I stopped trying to make real friends for a long, long time, because of how ashamed of myself I felt, but then this guy came around, and he made me feel so seen. Literally was one of the only people I've ever met who made me feel genuinely less alone. For the first time in ages I could be vulnerable around him. I told him some pretty personal things that I haven't told another soul. And he's just gone now. I miss him so much, even if he used me. I feel like the world's biggest burden to everyone I come across. But he made me feel different, and it was so nice to feel that way, even if it was only for a short while. I helped him through a pretty rough time, and the last time we talked, that was all he mentioned. I reached out to him first as I hadn't heard from him in weeks. He just talked about himself and never once did he seem interested in me. He simply mentioned that he's made some new friends and had found a boyfriend after I mentioned that I hadn't heard from him in a while. It was awful and reminded me of old toxic friendships where I was always the "therapist friend." I helped him heal from a devastating heartbreak and soon after he just disappeared. But he was so thoughtful and kind to me as well when we were talking. Would ask me how I'm doing and he helped me feel better a lot of the time. I just couldn't really believe how quickly he had changed. We went from texting every single day and calling often, to nothing but the cruel, bitter, lingering silence of a slow death. Everyone I've ever loved always leaves. That's why I hate being vulnerable now, because what's the point if the ending is never good? And I know that that's just life, but it's like I can't catch a break. Writing about it does help and it feels kind of nice to be feeling stronger emotions again. To this guy who I actually thought was pretty alright, I miss you. and thank you for helping me forget about reality for some time.

why

Friendship Support / by peaceandblessings

March 8th

...See more the one person i really thought understood me, liked me, was there for me, is gone. late last year i finally met someone that i actually had a good connection with. we were both in disastrous situations in our lives and while we did bond over these common issues, we also just clicked so well. same sense of humor, same energy, we just clicked, you know. he brought so much joy into my life and i am awful at socializing so it was nice to be talking to people again. and once again i was too naive to see that he just used me. he just wanted to use me to help him through a heartbreak and some other rough feelings, and then he ghosted me. last we spoke, i asked him how he’d been, he said he’d been going out with someone and made some new friends, didn’t ask anything at all about me so it really felt more like i just gave an interview. we went from talking every single night to nothing. for some context, i had not spoken to a single person in months. this was the first time in years i thought i had made a real friend. i could relate so much to him but forget it. i was wrong yet again and left all alone. i know this is just life’s cruel awful way of telling me that i need to take care of myself for once and that no one will save me, but why is it that i am literally always willing to help out someone but when i’m in deep s*** everyone and everything around me disappears? i care so deeply that i always wind up finding myself in situations where it seems like i have not done a single good thing for myself but i’ve helped everyone around me. but i’m not a cold and careless person, i can’t force myself to become that way and stop worrying about people around me. to this dude that i actually thought was pretty cool, i miss you even if you couldn’t care less about me. i’ve already become used to the isolation again, i’ve already found good distractions, but man did it feel good to be heard again.

want to make friends again, and i genuinely mean it this time, even if i'm terrified

Depression Support / by peaceandblessings

November 4th, 2023

...See more hey everyone! i've been reflecting on my past, as usual, and have realized two very important things- one, i reflect way too much. i've spent probably like 80% of my whole life in my head, and i finally want to change that. i think the more i think about death, and knowing i'm truly going to be dead one day and nobody will remember anything, nor will i, is both terrifying but very motivating at the same time. i literally only have this life. the one in my head is unfortunately still just a part of this life, so although i've created a whole alternate reality in my mind, that hasn't actually happened. what has happened is i've daydreamed and spent countless hours just making up fantasies. i don't know if it's conceited or self-centered of me, how much i talk to myself, but it's a trait i really want to work on changing. what i do know, is that i've only done it out of self-protection and fear of others because i've grown up around not very good people, unfortunately. still working on trying to get these toxic people out of my life, but that's a story for another day. second thing i've realized- i deeply yearn for genuine connection, as everyone else does. so i'm not as different from others as i might've once believed. i never felt like i could fit in, like i had to act like someone else just to be liked, or even tolerated, but that never led to something healthy nor real. and so i isolated myself for a really, really long time. but i feel very embarrassed about the way i've been living my life, it has felt inauthentic and quite sad, if you're looking from the outside in. now, more than ever, i feel like i'll be misunderstood. which is what paralyzes me to this moment, from meeting others in real life. i have never felt more inferior and "other-ed" than i do in this moment. but there is a side of me that knows i deeply deserve better, that i have needs and they deserve to be met, that i deserve to feel safe around at least one person. i'm sick and tired of having felt like i needed to wear a mask of some kind, in all previous friendships, it makes me feel sick of myself. but i understand that it was merely out of fear, it was the only way i knew how to protect myself. so i won't beat myself up for that. if anything, i'm grateful that i've reached this point. that although i've grown sad and bored of isolation, at least i still feel somewhat worthy of having real, loving people in my life. cause i would want the same for those that i love. i am deeply lonely, but i've also loved being alone. i love being in my own company, and although i'm embarrassed about how afraid i am of social settings, and other traits of mine, i still appreciate several things about myself. as a quiet introvert, it's amazing to feel completely peaceful and unthreatened being all by myself. but i really want to share good things with good people. how can i move on past my shame and embarrassment to start meeting people? how can i stop caring if someone might not like something about myself i think is a flaw, like past failures or not being able to meet modern society's expectations? especially in the past couple of years, i've been numbing myself and distracting myself non-stop, too depressed to care at all, living like what some people perceive as a "bum," and these labels are genuinely debilitating.

i'm at my rock bottom, resistant to anything good

Depression Support / by peaceandblessings

October 17th, 2023

...See more as i reflect on my whole life up to this point, i am starting to notice that my depressive symptoms weren't as new as i once thought they were. in fact, i had experienced very bad trauma as a child which i think affected me a lot in the ways i interacted with others. and i even have memories of traumatic events which i don't know whether they are false memories or real. but despite everything that i had to go through, i was always able to sort of manage. i did very well in school, up until my late teen years, that's when things just started feeling so meaningless and i just cheated my way through classes. but i still did things i liked, and i could still get out of bed at a reasonably early time of day and take care of my most basic needs. that hasn't been happening anymore. it wasn't until i aged into adulthood and no longer had the legal obligation of going to school that things started unraveling in ways i never thought i would go through. i really thought i'd finally allow myself to properly heal from all of the family trauma, that i'd be happy after graduating from high school and i thought i'd be more excited and willing to be independent and try new things. but it's just been the opposite. and now, especially within the last year, it's been a steep, downward slope. i have very much reached my rock bottom. i know this for sure cause i can see how my logic has become so flawed. i have nothing and no one anymore. for the first time in my life i now see how fake all of my previous friendships and family bonds were; and it's because at some point, at a very early point in my life, i had to remain isolated from everyone. i was never fully myself. and it's made for a lifetime of loneliness. it doesn't even feel like i ever had a family. i can't name a single person from my family that wasn't absent. even if i did see them sometimes at a birthday party, there was never any connection. i still don't understand why i was never important enough to anyone in my family. it feels like nobody ever gave a damn. and my parents have been out of love since before they had me, and all of their frustration and lack of fulfillment was just something i had to deal with growing up and is still something i deal with. it didn't matter if i was hurting. any time i tried to express that i was in pain, i'd get comments like you're being too dramatic, i treat you so well i don't deserve to be treated this way, etc. etc. the last few months have just been oure BS. i thought i was finally going to get better. but i got worse. i'm living like a proper loser now. ever since i started university, it has been literally avoiding all socializing and taking classes for the sake of taking classes so that my parents are at peace knowing im enrolled but i have not actually committed to any degree yet. and im supposed to take classes for fall but it looks like i just can't because the past two semesters were just awful. they all were, but especially the last two. i barely passed the most recent one and i feel like an impostor whenever i'm at school. i don't trust myself at all. taking showers drains me of all energy. i can't brush my teeth at night and i almost never wear my retainer. i can't bring myself to cook. i can barely get out of bed. getting out of bed is usually the only real accomplishment i have daily. and if i do get out of bed, it's in the afternoon, sometimes it's been late evenings. i can't get a job, i can't make friends. every day i think i'll change this and fix the issue but it's just been the same thing of getting up, feeling sad, annoyed at myself, and scared, trying to soothe myself, it's night time again, so i'll just sleep now and try again tomorrow, i stay up watching whatever series or youtube podcast all night, fall asleep, repeat this cycle. i've never felt more let down in my life and i'm the one who's doing it to myself. i'm keeping myself isolated and embarrassing myself. i feel embarrassed, ashamed, tired, sad, just desperate to change. i just want to keep being invisible but it hurts a lot now and i just want to be happy. the worst part is, i've had so much time to seek professional help. i know i need to unpack everything with a psychologist but all i've done up to now is procrastinate on doing ANYTHING that is good for me. i don't know why but i feel so much resistance to talking to a professional. maybe it's because i don't know how to get the feelings out verbally, i think it's terrifying and unsafe. i just want things to change. i want to convince myself that i am worthy of change for the better, that i can do it, but it feels so impossible, so hopeless.

i'm everything i hate

Depression Support / by peaceandblessings

August 8th, 2023

...See more Hey everyone, I hope u guys are doing okay. This is the first time that I write a post here and just write about my feelings in general in many months. There are so many things that are weighing on me, and they've left me so empty. These days, I can barely hold onto the weight of my own body. I feel like I'm literally hanging on by the thinnest thread. I thought I entered the worst of my depression a year ago, and a year ago I thought the same about the year before that. But once again, I was proven wrong. Today, I come back feeling different, like this time I seriously mean it when I say I'm going to heal and stop abandoning myself. But at the same time, I still don't have any trust left for myself. I'm not sure at what point exactly it happened, maybe it was much longer ago than I've ever thought, but I've completely let go of myself. I still have a sense of who I am, but because of the way I've lived versus the way I've always wanted to live, because they are two completely different persons, I barely have a grasp left of what I was really made for. I thought this would be a short episode of depression that I would've climbed out of easily, but I learned the hard way that there was no way out. The only way out was through. It was through dealing with it, through failing, time and time again. It didn't matter how many times people told me to not do something or to do something. This awful voice in my head had the most power and it won. Despite all that I've been through, over my entire life, at least I've never stopped fighting. I fight like *** every day. But it's a silent, invisible fight and nobody has the slightest clue of what it's like in my mind. It hurts me most when people think I'm just stupidly unaware of how I've made bad decisions. But I can't get any control. I've been struggling in silence for the past few months, and numbing the pain any way I could even if it meant procrastinating more on healing the "inner child." I've let people hurt me, I've put myself in situations and around people who I knew would hurt me, who would steal time from me, and I let them. I still can't understand why I would do that to myself. I think I was able to somewhat manage with this up until the end of last year. I thought I was finally getting better. But the toxic cycle kept going. I was still isolating myself, avoiding literally all social interaction. And if I did hang out with people, it never felt real. My expressions of happiness and smiles and laughs have never felt more forced. I don't remember the last time that I genuinely laughed without feeling this deeply buried misery in me. The last few months, things have been pretty horrible. Aside from completely avoiding socializing and making real, authentic connections outside from online ones, which have really not been many, I've also been unable to make any money at all. I can't bring myself to look for work. I'm a college student and several years ago, I thought I would've graduated by now. But I'm not close to graduating at all, and the worse part is ever since I started, I haven't been productive the way I wanted to be. I try to be organized but as soon as I start organizing I stop and never get back to it and then everything becomes a mess again. I've barely passed my classes, I have no idea how I made it up to this point. But this year, it's like everything became so boring and just unbearable to do. I missed so many important deadlines, and I think I even failed a couple of classes. I still don't know for sure because I can't bring myself to look at my grades. I'm terrified of seeing a grade that I deeply know I could've avoided and gotten something much better. At one point in my life, I was a role model. I was able to get perfect scores, straight A's, I was always awful at socializing and making real friends (fake friends were always there, sadly). And I just can't believe I could reach a point where I fail classes, even easy ones. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. But beneath it all I know that there is a lot of grief and sadness and I think I need to feel it so that I can function normally again. I'm supposed to keep studying now in the fall but I really don't want to cause I'm terrified of going back to school and I'm too scared to say that out loud, especially to my parents. I also realized some weeks ago that I went through something very traumatic a couple of years ago. It was when I had graduated from high school. I can barely talk about this without feeling really horrible. I can't even barely cope with the realization of how much time I lost that I will never get back. I was taken advantage of, psychologically and sexually, by a much older, predatorial man. I literally thought I had almost fallen in love. I had rose colored glasses on. He abused me and I thought it was love. I'm not so much surprised as I am mad at myself, because I can't believe how much of myself I lost during that time. But the reason I'm not surprised is cause I have loved several abusers (including family members, my parents) throughout my whole life, and I can't explain to myself why. It makes no sense. I'm just so tired of being surrounded by the wrong people. I just want to not be hurt by someone else, for once. I just want to be able to experience one wholesome love story, just one. I'm so tired of being used again and again. My needs have so rarely been met. I've been alive for about two decades, and I can barely remember moments where I was experiencing genuine joy without also knowing I was letting someone hurt me. I used to be pushed away by people a lot, and made fun of, and I think that all grew little by little into a strange side to my brain, that I don't know how to get rid of, that makes me unable to choose myself, to put my needs first. I have never felt more lonely in my life. I thought at this age, I'd have the most happy years of my life but I'm actually at my worst. I keep making choices that are horrible for me but I don't know how to stop and I'm conscious of how it's not good for me, anything that I do. The people who i've hung out with make me feel more lonely, what I study doesn't make me happy, my family makes me sad because they remind me of everything that I needed as a child but never received, they remind me of a conflict that just never ends, my own reflection makes me unhappy. And no one in my family will ever admit or want to hear my truth of how they hurt me. They will always find a way to make themselves the victim, like there's no way in *** that i could've ever experienced pain like they have. I have literally nobody to talk to. Everyone who I once felt safe and comfortable around is gone. Whenever I would confide in someone and really open up, they just suddenly disappear. I'm not mad at them, I've accepted that these connections just weren't meant to be as deep as I thought they could be. Some people just like surface level, friendly neighbor small talk and thats okay. But when it's your own family, like a cousin or a sibling who you once thought they had your back, just to then not recognize who they are anymore, it's a really hard thing to deal with. I realize that many times, when I was younger and went on family trips, or to reunions, they were merely just these things that we did to overlook or cover up the abuse, the neglect, all of the bad. And now I just don't want to be near my family. They don't really know anything about me. Even though I would have fun at reunions and at trips, I never realized just how much I would cling to those singular events when really I hated spending the rest of the time with my family, as bad as that might sound. I've never even been able to open up to "friends" i've had throughout life. The people I thought I was close to, I'm starting to think we were never really close at all. I lied to myself to be able to feel some kind of peace with myself. But I was never really close with anyone. None of the connections I've had have ever been completely authentic. I know that my life is going to continue and I still have chances but why can't I let myself make a good choice for myself? When will I stop neglecting myself? I'm so frustrated that I could bear a lifetime of neglect, that that is all I've known, and when I've had the chance to meet my own needs, I don't. Every day before I fall asleep, I feel disgusted at myself. When I wake up, I have the same feeling of disgust and disappointment. I still feel gross even after I shower. I can't be clean enough because nothing feels right inside. I really don't know how to move forward from here. I eat and drink too much sugar when I'm really stressed and extra lonely. I feel like I've never felt as close to people in real life as I have to people who don't even know I exist. And that is so sad. Maybe I just need to move, aside from looking for therapy, maybe a change of scenery would be better for my mental health. I've never moved. I was born in the same city I'm still living in now. This is all I know, and I've been so lonely all my life, even though there are a lot of people around me. But I just don't know how to make a real connection with anyone. I have kept so much of myself hidden. It's just all I've known how to do. So, especially since the beginning of this year, I've felt a big urge to just n0t exist. I want to keep living, but it feels like so much of my childhood and my teen years were robbed from me, so basically almost my whole life. And now, all I feel is grief and sympathy for my younger self. And I'm so exhausted. I want to meet my needs and work on feeling good but I also want to be asleep for years and years. I've been indulging in this urge, by sleeping all day and staying in bed. This has been how I've been living for the last few months. Just staying in bed until very late hours in the day. Sometimes I have gotten up as late as 6 pm, sometimes 3 pm. And I feel disgusting every day. I haven't slept comfortably and normally, probably not ever since I was a very small child. As a teen, I could attend school normally but I missed out a lot, and I never slept at night. I'd been chronically sleep deprived for years. Maybe as an adult that's also weighing on me. So, how exactly do I move on now? How do I make up for decades of abuse and let go of the past, and still live my life to the fullest, all while being present? Now as someone in their early 20s, I've become everything I never wanted to be, I can't make a decision without getting stuck in a cycle of overthinking, I'm a huge burden on my parents even though they were the cause of the suffering I experienced as a child. But I know I was always a pain for them. They fell out of love, long before they even had me. I think I was mostly brought here by them to see if I would fix their relationship. But obviously that didn't work. And I don't know. I just wish I could exist as a non-human, like as a plant. I just want to be invisible, to not be perceived at all, because this shame i feel is already as painful as it can get, but I do want to live. I do want to know what it's like to feel happy and present and not dread the present. I want to experience the beauty of life and remember how much potential I have and all that I'm capable of. Lately, I've really wanted to start over. Like deleting all my social media, changing my environment, etc. I mean, I have no one in my life, what's the point of having any social media if there's no one. And my profiles remind me of how inauthentic and superficial all of my past connections were. I can barely bring myself to open the *** app, because I know I'll see people from my past having a nice life, and I feel like it will traumatize me again. But I just don't know how to move forward right now. Like if this were a video game, I feel like I can't move on to the next level, and I've been on the same level for years now and I'm too embarrassed to ask for help because how is it that it has taken me this long to complete this level. I know this is an extremely long post so I TRULY am very thankful if anyone reads this at all. I feel like I could still write about this experience for hours, I could write pages and pages about the way I feel and everything that I've subtly repressed. But I'll stop here. It felt nice to get some things off of my chest.

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