unbiased opinion on my friend
i have been friends with this girl for two years now. we've become friends due to a need of wanting someone as a support and that has resulted in this weird co-dependent friendship which my significant other (s/o) also finds weird. this friendship has been a cause of stress for me constantly and we tend to fight (pretty badly) every month. ive gotten anxiety panic attacks and been depressed because of her. i've talked to her about how i feel but somehow the conversation always shifts and ends up with me not being able to communicate my thoughts because of confusion and us “patching things up” for the time being. she thinks the issue is that we never were fully ready to open up to the other person because of personal inhibitions but i just think that i tried being myself with her and she doesn't understand and i just stopped liking hanging out with her because it drained me. shes kind of pushy too and i don't always appreciate that and she doesn't stop even if i tell her to. so a few hours ago i told her i wanted to end it. a few arguments and about an hour later i ask her why she doesn't let me break things off. she was keeping me in place even when i was physically trying to get away (as so to not hurt her body) and not letting me leave by saying that she’ll stay here till the next day if i don't change my decision. i ask her why she so vehemently is against it and she told me that she thinks that my s/o has been poisoning me against her. i did agree to her that my s/o has told me to reconsider being friends with her because my s/o saw the mental struggle i went through every month because of my friend. as i said that my s/o has told me to reconsider, she got really hurt (understandable) and started saying she hated her and wish ill upon my s/o for coming in between us when that is not the case. i always felt like she was weirdly possessive about me and i wonder if that was coming into play here. i do agree i get easily influenced by other people’s opinions, especially if they're close to me and it has affected my behaviour towards certain people which i rectified later since i realised how wrong i was. and for context my s/o has told me to stop talking to them about my friendship issue with this girl and has not given my any opinion for months now because they don't want me to get influenced and since it is a touchy topic. and even if my s/o did give me their opinion about my friend now i think a decision as big as cutting her off would warrant critical thinking and self introspection rather than external influence or manipulation (the word my friend used).
i’m just really confused on how to deal with her. she’s not ready to let me break this friendship and she said she’s going to try and keep me close as long as possible. i’m lowkey worried about my s/o because being targeted by someone’s ill intentions is extremely harmful.
@calmTree3152
@calmTree3152 okay. So. Let's sum it up for you:
- someone is possessive of you
- limits your movement when you want to leave and threatens you to not leave themselves until you do what they want
- doesn't make you feel safe being vulnerable with them
- causes you mental distress and depression
- doesn't respects your personal choices
- talks crap about the person who is the most important in your life without it being based in reality
- keeps arguing with you
I will rip off the bandaid for you. The thing is. Breaking up whether in romantic or friends context is not a negotiation where you can say no. When one side tells you it is over, it is over. The dot is there. The other person needs to cope, regardless if it is you breaking up with someone or you being broken up with. You deserve mental peace and stability and she sounds like a lot of toxicity to deal with. There are two ways you can go about it to drop her:
1. Assertive, fast, but possibly messy
You do not meet anymore. You send her a text saying that due to the emotional toll this friendship is taking on you, you no longer wish to stay in contact. You wish her all the best and good luck in the future. Then you block her everywhere and if she keeps making new numbers, you change yours. If she keeps bothering you in person, stay calm and do not engage in a conversation. Just politely state you do not wish to talk to her anymore. And if she can't respect it, you will get a restraining order. She will eventually get bored of the tantruming if she will see nothing works, but you need to be strong there. Also, I would suggest you sit down with your partner and talk to them about your decision if you decide to go through with cutting this friend off and talk about your partner's safety during this. Your friend has a lot of hate against them and will be probably targeting your partner in some way, so make sure they are prepared and took the necessary steps like blocking her etc.
2. Slow, long, but with less mess risk, but also bit of an *** way. I wouldn't recommend this approach normally since I think people deserve the respect to be told directly, as this approach is kind of questionable by ethics. BUT it is a tactic that is justified when dealing with extremely toxic and potentially dangerous people, who just don't take your no for an answer, what I see is your case. Still need to put here a gigantic disclaimer for everyone, DO NOT USE THIS TACTIC IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH NORMAL, NOT ABUSIVE, NOT TOXIC AND NOT DANGEROUS PEOPLE. In that case, always respect the other person's time and energy and tell them directly you do not wish to continue seeing them because X. With this out of the way, here is the details:
You will start to slowly fade yourself out of her life. Leave her on read for a while before responding and making it longer, always having an excuse while you can't hang out, but that you will let her know when you can what you will ofc not follow through with it, or do so very rarely. You will stop reaching out first or gtg when she calls you after a short chat because whatever excuse comes to your mind. Basically you will slowly be decreasing the contact you have, and stop reaching out first. If she keeps making a mess you tell her you are sorry but you have so much work. Whatever. But be warned that this approach may need to be switched to the first one if she keeps bothering you too much and you will need to assert yourself directly BUT. If you choose this strategy and have to switch to first one later, don't make it sound like you tried to get rid of them in this stage and it is not working so you have to be direct. Frame it the way that you were very busy lately and the lack of contact you had made you realise how much more peaceful your life is and you do not wish to continue seeing her anymore. Also, trying this approach will indeed show you how life without her is. Or at least with much less of her in it. Chances are, you will love it.
Whichever approach you choose, I wish you good luck and hope you will find your peace
@sadcat13 oh also wanted to add. I would recommend you have a documentation of her toxicity. Is she the kind of person who would make false accusations of horrible things out of revenge? Think of it long and deep. And if you have the slightest chance of her making horrible lies up about you that could ruin your life. Go with the second approach. I would genuinely recommend you take the second for your own safety, she seems unhinged
thank you for the detailed breakdown and methods i can use. this is extremely helpful and i’m really grateful that you took time out to type this out. i have used the direct method with her. we have had confrontations in real life even after blocking her everywhere which i couldve handled better but managed them my own way nonetheless. my partner and i’s relationship was put through a test for sure because of how it started affecting them negatively but we got through it. and it seems that now the friend has stopped all her efforts in trying to talk to me. after talking to unbiased outsiders and their experiences with this friend, i have come to the realisation that she wasn’t a great person like i thought her to be but in-fact very deeply flawed and capable of harbouring negative emotions just for the sake of it. and i am more than ever glad of the decision i made to cut her out. it could have gone much worse and i am eternally grateful it didn’t. i just hope she finds peace and that i learn to chose better people. thank you for your advice.
@calmTree3152 I´m happy you managed to cut her out. Wishing you a lot of peace and good time with your partner 😊
