One Sided Friendship?

@cloverisconfused

I just accidentally deleted my entire response... the pain is real, but it's worth the retype.

Anywho...
I'm here because I had a confrontation with my Alice 2 days ago, and have since decided to take a break from everything and work on fixing my issues. I've only known my Alice for about 8 months, and I only lasted a week before messaging her back, which is when I had my awakening.

Some background of what my situation was; I would send gm/gn messages with the occasional "I hope you're doing okay". I never needed a reply from any of the messages, they were just to let them know I'm still alive, I care about them, and maybe make their day a bit better. Besides my Alice, I asked three of my other best friends (who I've known for 2 years, 8 months, and 2 months) and they said they were okay with it since they knew they weren't obligated to reply, and that it was just meant platonically; they pointed out though, that everyone might not see it that way, which validated my overthinking and why I was asking.

Well after about 5 days of no responses from my Alice and a bunch of overthinking that she suddenly hated me, I decided to see if everything was okay between us. Still nothing for another couple days, so I sent a short "are we okay" message. Now this is partially her fault because she chose not to tell me it bothered her, but my Alice then responded by telling me that it was pushy and annoying, and that it's something to say to your partner or family, not a friend.

I then did what I thought was right and apologized, and I've now stepped away and taken a break from communication with all my friends, so that I can work on myself and figure out how to be less emotionally reliant on my friends. Which on the one hand feels like I won't have very strong connections with my friends; but on the other hand, it means I won't make anyone I care about upset from this again, and overall that's what I want.

I also had some jealousy issues with my Alice, seeing her listening to music with someone all day for several days in a row. It brought up some nasty feelings of wanting to spend that much time with someone I cared about.

I did some self reflection and came to the conclusion that I don't really know how to be myself or happy without depending on one or more of my best friends. I decided to write down how I would like to treat others, how I would like to treat myself, what my flaws were, and what I wanted to focus on and take care of first. Turns out I treat others mostly how I would like to, giving them their space and relying on them for happiness are what I struggle with and need to work on. I treat myself almost the exact opposite of how I would like to, I overthink about every little thing and always get sad when I stop hanging out with my friends. Therefore, I have a lot I need to work on before I can comfortably feel ready to reconnect with my current best friends; I just hope I can figure all this stuff out before they forget about me.

Thanks for listening to/reading my rant about my situation. I actually would like to stay updated on how your situation and journey goes. I think something that helps you might also be beneficial to myself.

@Adam10999 oh the painnnn... I salute you for doing the hard work of retyping all of that

I'm sorry you've got your own Alice. I agree with you, I think it was partially her fault for letting it go on for so long without saying anything. I know people talk a lot about how we should all work on interpreting nonvocal social cues, and I know that it is important for a lot of things, but I think people don't communicate enough in general. It's unfair to expect anyone else to just know anything unless you tell them, so I definitely see where you're coming from. 

I'm proud of you for apologizing and taking that step away. It's really hard to do, especially if you're doing it from all your friends. I'm not sure if I could do that for long. I think you're right - it is really scary to try to be less emotionally reliant on other people. Good job taking that first step :)

I'm glad I'm not the only one with jealousy issues. It feels shameful to talk about sometimes because jealousy is such a frowned upon emotion socially. To be honest, I've also been jealous with my Alice. After we graduated high school, she switched jobs and made a new friend there, one that she now spends more time with than she does with me. Funnily enough, that new friend and I are pretty similar personality-wise, although I think she's a bit milder and soft-spoken than me. I used to be more like that, but due to some family situations I was forced to learn to assert and enforce more boundaries. I think that's a good thing, but it was weird to see her become friends with someone that not only is similar to me, but is even more similar to the me I used to be. It made me feel like I was being replaced, like I'd become outdated and was no longer filling Alice's needs. 

After some of my own self-reflection, I'm sorry to say i think we're in the same boat. Overthinking everything you do, people-pleasing unconsciously, etc. It really is hard to appreciate yourself and your own company. After all, even if it's not true (because it isn't), it feels like you can't be worth much if no one else can appreciate your worth, doesn't it? Like before, I'm really proud of you. It feels weird to say to a stranger on the internet, but I am. It takes a lot of courage to really look at yourself and admit whatever it is you see.

Thank you for listening to me first - I really appreciate it. Just as I predicted, I was starting to lose motivation to have that conversation with my friend, but this helped a little. I wish you good luck in working on yourself - please keep me updated, I would love to hear how things go for you <3 I'll keep you updated too, especially if I come across anything that helps with all of this

@cloverisconfused

@Adam10999 No worries, it looks like overexplaining is another thing we have in common lol. I don't mind reading a long reply, so don't worry about it :) Mine will probably be long as well, so I apologize in advance.

I appreciate you taking another look and offering more advice/comments! Just one reply was already very helpful, so thank you for putting in the time and effort for another :)

Oh, boy, that is a lot of gas, and a lot of money. I'm very fortunate in that my university offers a free pass for my state's public transportation system, so even though it doubles my commute time plus some (😭) it takes a lot of pressure off of my finances. I really hope you can get your schedule down to 3 days a week! 

I fully agree with you on trust in friendships. I think its so important - after all, friends are there to help each other through their darkest times and be a cheerleader, so if you can't trust them the relationship can feel a little pointless. For me personally, I also really need to know my friends trust me. If they don't trust me, I worry a lot about why that might be, and I tend to spiral. I really hope you can find a job soon and make some new friends. A fresh start can be exactly what you need sometimes. Good luck! 

And yeah, being an afterthought does suck. I don't always need an entire conversation or anything, but like you said, I just need to know I'm being thought of and cared for. For me, my close friendships are such a crucial part of my life that I don't go a day without thinking about them. I find myself wishing that would go both ways, only to be disappointed a lot of the time.

I also go through a bit of a cycle of depression. I generally have about two-ish weeks where I'm okay, and then a similar amount of time where I'm very suddenly extremely lonely and depressed. I start out that low point by contacting all of my friends in an effort to stave off the loneliness, but when they inevitably don't respond or the little interaction I do get doesn't live up to my lofty expectations afterwards, I tend to become a bit of a hermit. All I want to do is be alone, preferably while wasting time being anything but productive. It's very strange, especially considering I usually start feeling okay again after a week or two, so I'm glad I'm not going crazy on my own with this. 

As for talking to my friend, thank you for saying that! I really appreciate it. I just hope I can stick to my decision this time. Wish me luck haha

I really appreciate you saying that you don't think I've done anything wrong. It's so validating to hear, especially considering I've spent so much time worrying about it. My own anxiety and self-esteem are a beast, so I imagine I'll worry more, but I know it'll be extremely helpful to be able to refer back to this and remind myself. 

I also needed to hear that about "manning up". I do tend to bottle up my emotions quite a bit - I always have, unfortunately. I've been trying these past few years to let myself be more open, and I've gotten better, but lately I've been reverting back to some older coping mechanisms. I'm still not sure why, but I'm working on figuring that out. I'm sorry you have the same tendency to bury your emotions. It's extremely taxing - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I hope you can take your own advice and keep doing your best to be open with your feelings. Whatever they are, you have a right and responsibility to yourself and others to feel them and communicate them in a healthy way. I believe in you! 

And thank you again! I'm sure I sound like a broken record by now, but I really am just grateful for the validation. I'm sorry you've been feeling stupid, weak, and clingy as well - I think we both know it's no fun at all. But from what you've shown me I think I can also say with confidence you are not those things either. You've already shown you have the courage to have difficult conversations with the people you care about, and I admire that quality - it's hard to come by. You've been able to give them space as well, so you're not clingy. And I know you're also very intelligent as well. Not only intellectually, as is evidenced by the fact that you're also studying for your bachelor's in a difficult field, which is very impressive, but emotionally so, which you've shown you have in spades during our limited conversation. From what I've seen, you are very kind and empathetic towards others, but you're hard on yourself. I hope you can look at yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you do other people, because you do deserve it. 

I think having regrets is totally understandable. I regret my mistakes as well, especially those I made towards my friends. i admire that you recognize what's done is done. That said, I know that knowing something is very different from really feeling it and appreciating it. I hope you can start to understand emotionally that it's okay to have made mistakes or wish you did things differently, and it doesn't make you a bad person or "undo" any of the good you did. Having regrets of your own doesn't excuse the mistakes of others, and as a third party looking at your situation, I can say with confidence that what happened was mostly on your Alice. You sound like a very genuine person who cares a lot about your friends and wants to make sure they know it, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If they were uncomfortable they should have said something sooner instead of leaving you to wonder what you did wrong, and that's the end of it. 

And I agree, overthinking is really a double-edged sword. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is a really important ability. However, it also leaves you vulnerable to falling into the trap of subconsciously believing you know what they might be thinking, good or bad. I fall into that trap quite a bit, and it sounds like you might too. It is really scary, especially when your subconscious highlights all the bad and explains the good away. I'm also dealing with that same fear of the loss of meaning in my friendships that might occur with the loss of contact. I hope we can both remember that not only is that most likely not going to happen, but even if it does, it's just going to be a step in our long journey. We've swung too far one way and we'll probably have to go to the other extreme as well before we find a good balance in our friendships.

I agree. Like I said before, knowing things and feeling them are two different things. I've got the knowing part down - I know I need to do what's best for me. I've just got to work on feeling it. I hope you can too <3

I really relate to that line as well - I've been stuck with similar trains of thought before too, and I'm sorry you've done the same. It really is just a horrible loop of "if they don't like me, how can I, and if I don't like me, how can they?" 

And of course! I appreciate your encouragement too, it really has been very helpful and comforting. I'm proud of you too! I can tell you've already done a lot of hard work on yourself during your life that has paid off, and I wish you luck on continuing that journey. 

And again, no worries about the reading! I'm writing a lot too, and I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, so I'm sorry as well lol! 

That's such a good exercise! I think I'll try doing that when I get the chance. And I'll definitely check out that podcast! I'm not much of a podcast person myself, but I've been trying a few out while looking for things to listen to while I work. So far, I've only really liked SciShow Tangents, so this will be a good one to add to my list. My schedule is kind of crazy and I'm not always able to listen to stuff while I work, but I'd also be open to discussing the episodes when I get a chance to listen to them! 

That's another good exercise. I think being able to look at an alternate, ideal version of yourself and remind yourself of what you want to work towards is a really good asset to have. I'm glad you like who you want to become! I hope you can get closer and closer to that version of you smoothly. 

As for my own self improvement... it's hard to describe in terms of exercises or anything I did on purpose. So far, it's been a chaotic mess of trial and error while I tried things out and did my best to maintain the mindsets/behaviors that felt right. I think something that's been really helpful to me is to try to stop making assumptions that other people are unhappy somehow. I really struggle with worrying about "oh well they said this but what if they just felt like they had to and they really feel this other way about it?". Of course, there are some things that are exceptions, but I mean as a general rule. For example, if I've asked for something I need, and the other person has agreed to it, then my job is to assume they don't have a problem with me. Even if I think that something in their tone of voice, for example, or maybe their body language seems upset. I've done my part to communicate what I need and ask for it respectfully, and they've agreed. If they have a problem or are unhappy with me in any way, it's their responsibility to talk to me about it. It's helped me to set boundaries and enforce them, even if I feel anxious or guilty about it. It's a small thing, and I haven't done as well remembering it lately, but for me it's made a big difference, and a positive one.

Thank you for listening to me too! <3 I believe in us! Good luck with everything and keep me updated! 

@cloverisconfused

@Adam10999

It really is crazy, isn't it! Pretty much every time I hear something new from you I find myself going "what? I thought that was just me!" I'm glad I've been a help, even a little bit <3 I worried I was being overbearing or just spewing nonsense over and over again haha. I appreciate your words of support as well! You really are doing a great job at helping me stay motivated and comforted these past few days. Thank you! 

I'm glad you've been able to make that realization! I'm sorry you're hard on yourself. You really do deserve better. I understand that mindset - I've also got some perfectionistic tendencies. Hopefully we can both remember that perfection is impossible, imperfection is good and healthy, and that it applies to us too - even if it doesn't feel like it. That's another thing I know but still have yet to feel. Good luck to you! And I wish overthinking was a job! I'd be anxious but at least I'd be rich haha

Aw thank you! I'm so happy to hear that. I find you give sound advice and it is so comforting to hear someone else in the same boat as me in terms of my struggles. I haven't listened to any episodes yet - I go back to work later this week, so I'll probably listen to one then. I'll be sure to send you a message! 

That's good :) I'm sure you'll do great, just as you have been so far

Thank you! I've enjoyed listening to what you have to say as well. It's comforting and refreshing to talk to someone with such similar struggles. I wish you the best of luck as well, although I'm sure you don't need it! 

P.S. A minor update! I still haven't contacted my Alice since Christmas. I'm planning on wishing her a happy new year (it's still not quite midnight where I am), but other than that there's been nothing. I know it's not very long but it does feel longer than it was. The update is that I haven't been so caught up in my head about the whole situation quite as much. I'm both happy and sad about it. I'm sure it's good for us both in the end, but it does play into those fears we were discussing earlier about losing meaning in my friendships. But, as they say, life goes on! I'll continue to keep you updated :) I look forward to hearing more from you! 

@Adam10999 First of all, welcome to the community! It takes courage to open up about personal struggles, and it's commendable that you're seeking support here. Your feelings are valid, and it's understandable to feel hurt and confused in a friendship that feels one-sided. It's clear you've invested a lot of time and effort into maintaining this relationship, and it's okay to expect reciprocity and support from your friend. It's not selfish to prioritize your own emotional well-being and set boundaries in relationships. Confronting your friend about your feelings is a brave step, and it's important to communicate openly and honestly about your needs and concerns. Remember, you deserve to feel valued and respected in your friendships.

@Adam10999

oh no haha

Happy New Year! And yes, a hearty virtual cheers to that! 

I appreciate that! I'll probably take you up on that. And the same goes for you! If you ever need motivation/comfort I'd be happy to help! 

@cloverisconfused

@Adam10999 I understand that feeling. Like, I'm not exactly stuck, but I just kind of keep bouncing around between different bad mindsets, you know? Like I'm running around a track at the gym and I can go from the free weight section to the treadmills to the machines, but I can't leave the gym. It's a weird metaphor but I can't think of another way to put it right now lol

That sounds really difficult. Questioning your own intentions is very confusing and scary, too. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. That username thing also sounds sucky - if I were you I think I'd feel hurt and also overthink it all. I'm glad you realized that even if you do like her, the long distance is not something you would want.  Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to give about the romantic vs platonic feelings. To be honest, I can hardly remember the last time I had genuine romantic feelings for someone. I'm bisexual myself, but it's been so long since I've really liked someone. Even so, I find myself questioning what other people might think of my intentions. Since I can swing both ways, so to speak, pretty much anyone is technically on the table. I honestly just feel platonic affection for my friends, but part of me is afraid they'll think otherwise. That my affection (which I'll admit can be over the top sometimes, and I need to work on that) has something else behind it - something that would push them away. That's a part of why I'm afraid to talk to my Alice about how I'm feeling. I'm worried she'll think I like her and that it will make her uncomfortable. But if I stress that it's just platonic, it sounds like I'm just trying to cover it up, right? It's all just weird and complicated. 

Good job making the list! I think, for me at least, that can be one of the harder steps to do because I overthink so much about what I really want and how I really feel. I also think those are some good goals to make, and I wish you luck! 

I appreciate the update either way :) Plus, I'm kind of distancing myself from my Alice, so it's helpful. Technically, I could go see her sometime this week, but I find myself putting it off. For one, I'm still in that phase I was telling you about where all I want to do is just be alone and stay at home and watch movies or otherwise distract myself from how I'm feeling. And since my spring semester doesn't start until next week and I'm only working part time, this week might be my last chance for a few months to do really do that. I know it's probably not super healthy, but I'm having a hard time justifying doing anything else these past few days. Right now, my tentative plan is to contact Alice at the end of this week to set up a time to meet. Hopefully then I'll be able to muster up the courage to talk to her. 

I think that's a really good way to put it. I'd heard people describe it as watching cars pass on a road. Your emotions are there, and they are happening, but they're going to keep making their way down that road, away from you. All you have to do is let it happen. If I'm being honest, I have no idea how well I do at that. To keep with the metaphor, I can't tell if I'm still having to work so hard at just observing these feelings because I've caused a roadblock, or if there are just a lot of "negative emotion cars" coming down the road lately. I hope that makes sense haha

I'm proud of you for trying to find something you can do alone and still have fun. I'm also glad you've found a friend that seems as invested as you are, although I totally understand the sadness. To be honest, I have sort of a similar thing going on. I mentioned in my initial post that I only have a couple of friends I'm really close to after high school. One of them is my Alice, and the other is a friend I'll call Sally. (also wow these are the most generic names lol) Sally really is wonderful and to be honest, she's the only friend I can think of who is so invested. I never have to worry about losing contact with her because if anything, she texts me more than I do her. She partly made me realize how little I was getting from all of my other friends, including Alice. I really am so grateful for her, and it's to the point where I kind of feel guilty. I feel so lonely and rejected by my Alice, and I wonder if I'm an Alice to Sally sometimes. I feel like such a hypocrite, and I feel almost greedy because I am lucky enough to have someone like her, but I just still don't feel good yet. It's so frustrating and confusing.

Thank you again for the update! I don't have a whole lot to update right now, because as I said, I've mostly just been at home alone, distracting myself these past few days. I'll let you know when I finally do contact my Alice. I appreciate you too, and I look forward to hearing more from you! 

@cloverisconfused

@Adam10999 

Haha thank you - both of the metaphors get more embarrassing every time I reread them so I appreciate you saying that😅And yeah, I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion. If it were the only complaint you had about your friendship with Alice, I might advise you to take a chill pill, you know lol? But it's not, it's part of a bigger problem and just so happens to be a fair example of your guys' dynamic right now. I don't think it's crazy for you to feel the way you do about it. Also, about the message revision - you might be entertained to hear I had to read that a couple of times before I figured out why you thought you were overthinking lol. It seems so normal to me to think that way. When I'm messaging people I tend to do the same thing. And to a degree I think it's only considerate to do your best to properly convey your tone like that, but when that mindset leaks into other formats of interaction like I believe it has it has for us both, I think it can pose a problem. 

I'm the same - I generally do it in person when it comes up naturally, and always with a friendly/platonic tone. I've rewritten this paragraph specifically like ten times because I can't find the right words to describe why I'm so anxious about it, but I think you understand.

That's good - I'm glad you're taking that pressure off of yourself. And I like what you said about mistakes - they're meant to show us ways of improving, not to hold us back or tell us we aren't good enough. It's a good way to phrase it. I'll do my best to keep it in mind <3

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I feel guilty every time I fall back into this, especially since there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason as to why I do, and I think I needed someone to say that to me outright. And thank you again for the offer - the same goes for you <3 Also, I could talk for a long time about the media I enjoy lol, so I'll try to keep it short. My favorite movie of all time is easily The Princess Bride, and if you haven't seen it you are missing out lol. I grew up on movies like Hook, Jumanji, Mary Poppins, Mrs. Doubtfire, Newsies, etc. so those will always have a special place in my heart. And I say movies in my earlier reply, but actually I've been watching a lot of tv shows. My Alice actually got me into kpop a few years ago, which accidentally lead down a kpop -> kdrama -> asian drama pipeline lol. I just binged a Korean show called Flower of Evil. It's pretty dark, which is not usually my style but it was so good. What about you, what do you enjoy watching?

Oh, good, I was worried it was kind of nonsense haha. I'm sorry you feel the same - it's such a frustrating thing. And yeah, forcing yourself to block out the feelings is different from observing them, but I haven't quite figured out the difference in practice yet. Maybe you're right, it's just a matter of suffering for a while until it's over, although I kind of hope you're wrong because that just plain sucks haha. Here's to us figuring it all out soon!! 

I'm certain now that you have to be my long-lost twin lol - or maybe we're emotional clones haha! It's such a cliche thing to say, but I really thought I was the only one who thought like this. I'm glad you're enjoying the generic names! I'm sure you'll have more to look forward to lol. But thank you for saying all of that. It feels so nice to be so honest about my feelings and be met with kindness and understanding <3 and although there's probably always going to be a part of me that's stuck with impostor syndrome, it's a relief to hear someone say I'm not a horrible friend or person. I also hope you have someone in your corner because you deserve it too, and more. And if not, then I'll be here in your corner, cheering you on :) 

P.S. Um, I just did the exact same thing lol. My condolences, good sir

Same here! It's been nice to come back here and hear more about your life, and then be able to be honest about mine as well. I hope to hear from you soon! Good luck with everything. (And about the names - we'll have to see lol. Maybe next we'll have a Tom. Or a Mary? Or we might as well just go with John Doe next. I named the last two so you vote haha 😉)

@cloverisconfusedNah, the metaphors are great lol, and if the username thing was my only complaint, I would definitely want you to tell me to chill haha!

@Adam10999

That totally makes sense. That is nice to have that reassurance. And I agree, quickly thinking about easy misinterpretations is okay, but any more than that is when it crosses from consideration to overthinking. And thanks lol

Good! If you do end up watching it you'll have to tell me what you think! If you don't mind my asking, why don't you remember much of your childhood? If you don't feel comfortable answering that's totally fine, I'm just a bit curious.

I enjoy modern movies too! They just don't come to mind first for some reason. My dad's family is also super into Marvel movies, and I actually just rewatched Captain America with my little sister a few days ago. And Dreamworks and Disney are also great! Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon are some of my favorite animated movies, and there are a lot of great Disney movies as well. I'm also not a big horror fan. My go-to Halloween movies are actually some of the ones you mentioned - Corpse Bride, Hocus Pocus, and I also enjoy watching Hotel Transylvania around that time of year. So yeah, definitely not big on horror lol. I haven't seen Children of the Corn, so I'll have to take your word on it haha. DC shows are fun! I'm not sure if we're talking about the same ones, but I did enjoy The Flash, Arrow, and Supergirl, although I haven't checked back in on them in a while. And Psych is such a fun show, I'm glad you mentioned it! I haven't seen the other ones you mentioned but I'll have to check them out sometime. As a general rule, I tend to lean towards fantasy/sci-fi so some of the other shows I enjoy are BBC's Merlin, Doctor Who, and Good Omens. And no way haha - that's so funny your friend also got you into kpop. I'm a fan of groups like Ateez, Seventeen, BOYNEXTDOOR, Dreamcatcher, LUCY, and Shinee, and I just finished watching Kingdom for the first time so I've been listening to a lot of BTOB, iKON, and The Boyz as well. And although I'm not super familiar with the groups you mentioned (besides a little bit of BTS), I do like the little I know about them! Unfortunately, besides a few songs from NF, I don't know any of the other artists you mentioned, including Starset, so maybe I'll have to give up the twin idea 😂 But I'll definitely check them out! Any particular songs you'd recommend? Some other artists I like, just off the top of my head, are Rachael Yamagata, Michael Jackson, Queen, Iam Tongi, AJR, Eric Nam, and Jeff Satur. As of late, my new go-to during times like these has been a korean-american artist called NIve, particularly the songs "Tired", "To: My Dear Friend", "Till u say i go", and "In My Head".

That's very true, and I'm very glad for your company. And I'm sorry that's happened to you so far - and although it's impossible to manifest bad things to happen, I totally understand the feeling. Sometimes overthinking can feel like having prophetic abilities, only you can only see the bad. 

Oh, that's interesting! I was actually a rainbow baby, and if the other babies had made it I would have had triplets as older sisters. And thank you, you're so sweet! You are also one of the most sympathetic and accepting people I've had the pleasure of coming across. I've really appreciated hearing your viewpoints and experiences so far <3

Good haha. I'm so happy to hear you feel the same way. I really do want to hear your honest thoughts and opinions, so I'm glad you feel safe enough to share them. Thank you for being so great! (and yes, Hannah and Dan, I approve 👍Added to the queue 😉)

@cloverisconfused

@Adam10999

Oh, that's kind of a relief! I was a little bit expecting there to be some trauma or something, so for your sake I'm glad it's not that. Although I;ll admit potential brain damage is not anything to scoff at either haha 😂

That's cool! And oh my gosh I almost forgot Big Bang existed! I used to watch it with my mom when I was a young teenager but I haven't even thought about it in years. And I'm not much of a gamer myself but I am curious as to what video games you like

I'll definitely give those songs a try! Lmk what you think of my recommendations :)

I have two older stepsisters, an older stepbrother, a younger brother, and a younger half sister. Unfortunately we do not have the same birthday haha - mine's in January 😅 Ah, well, there's always the clone theory to go back to lol

<3 Same here! Until next time :D

@cloverisconfused
I'm going to be honest, I kind of wish I did have some trauma or brain damage, because then at least I would know what the problem was and already have sort of a solution, you know? 😂

I appreciate your curiosity and interest! My gaming list would probably consist of Warframe (3rd person hack and slash looter/shooter), Minecraft, Destiny 2 (just got into it a couple days ago but I am really enjoying it)(similar to Warframe and first person), Forza Horizon 5 (racing/driving), Fortnite, Satisfactory (survival factory builder), and GTA 5 (I used to make vehicles for modded storymode). Dead Island (zombie hack and slash) and Fallout New Vegas (open world post apocalyptic really good story) were my go-to games back in my Xbox 360 days (2014-2017). Valorant would have also made it on the list if my friends had ever asked me to join them. To be fair I did tell them that I don't enjoy it solo but I enjoy it with them, so maybe they would have felt bad inviting me to play something I don't personally find enjoyable, who knows. Oh, maybe some Bloons Tower Defense (6 currently, but I used to play 4 and 5 on my phone several years ago). I'm also currently working on a big project of making my own custom tower defense game, so that's been interesting but fun! More or less dove head first into that once I started this whole reformation/self-reimagining thing - probably as a way to distract myself until I could process what I was feeling.

And Happy almost Birthday!! 🥳🎉
I hope your birthday wish comes true, not matter what it is! And I also hope you continue to receive more and more gratitude and appreciation, because you truly deserve it!
From what I know so far, it sounds like you have at least a few people in your life that'll celebrate your birthday with you and make your day special - but if you find yourself unaccompanied for your day, if you'll have me, I would be honored to keep you company on such a momentous occasion!

Turned into Shakespeare or somebody there for a sec haha 😂 I do tend to have spurts where my inner thesaurus comes out lol

It would have been nice to have a twin lol - nevertheless, having an emotional clone is pretty sweet too <3
I wish you all the best!

@Adam10999

Haha I know, right? It would be nice to have something to point at and say "that's what's wrong with me!" - but oh well lol. 

Those sound interesting! It's too bad your friends didn't invite you but I think you probably hit the nail on the head in saying they probably didn't want to pressure you into playing something you don't enjoy. And that project sounds so cool! It also sounds very complicated lol. I'm glad you've been having fun with it! I think it'll turn out well! 

Aw thanks haha, you're so sweet! Happy very late birthday 🎉!! And I appreciate the poetic words, Mr. Shakespeare - you're so kind

Very true <3 I wish you all the best as well! 

@cloverisconfused

I think we all have/had Alice at some point of pur lives.

Just wanted to say a few things

• Expecting respect in any relationship or friendship doesn't make you weak. It's a bare minimum.
• From what you wrote, it is one sided friendship. 
• It's not okay for a friend to go days without responding. Yes, life happens and sometimes gets in the ways, but if that happens too often, it's a problem.
• You're not desperate or clingy for asking someone to explain why they stopped texting or whatever. You deserve to know. 

@blueSpring7541

Thank you so much for saying this, I really do appreciate it. I'm not sure how much you read in my conversation with @Adam10999 but I have said again and again how validating it is to hear that I'm not crazy or weak or mean because I'm not happy with this friendship. I keep finding myself thinking about how it would be easier to just let this go and keep on letting myself be unhappy with this friendship, but anytime I get a response on this forum helps remind me why I'm not doing that anymore. Thank you <3

@cloverisconfused

I get it. We all get lonely sometimes or we miss good things about those friendships, or we hope they will change. I still miss certain parts of friendships that ended, but I no longer tolerate disrespect and gaslighting.

@blueSpring7541

That's good. I'm glad you've realized you don't deserve people that don't treat you right. Wish me luck in doing the same <3

@cloverisconfused

Just come here and read all replies whenever you have doubts! 🤞🏻🍀

@cloverisconfused
A third one here we come lol

Update: Spent the day with my best friend from college which was really nice. First time in a while that we've gotten to hang out without doing school work lol. We watched National Treasure and the new Hunger Games, and then played a board game. It was really nice!
Also, my Alice streamed for about an hour today, so I kind of got put to the ultimate test of my improvements. I conclude that I'm not nearly as ready as I thought I was, but I'm definitely a lot better than I was a week ago when all this started. She's streaming again tomorrow (not sure for how long) but I'm gonna go for round 2 and see how that goes. I'm also still in her *** server (haven't and am not going to check if I still have the really high tier role she gave me, not for a while yet) but I'm also still mod in her stream, so I'm both getting more practice with my emotions and having her back by helping give shout-outs and monitoring chat for rude or creepy people.
I've decided that whenever I do find myself ready to communicate with my friends again, that I want to reach out to my Alice (as I hope you have not lost hope or the courage to do so yourself <3 I'm rooting for you!) and ask to talk about things if she's up for it, or at least find out if we're still friends or on speaking terms. Definitely not that second part the way it's worded, because I don't want to assume that anything drastic has happened (cuz that would be me blowing it out of proportion, and that I need to chill out as she said) and also possibly thank her for incentivizing me to see how I treat others and myself, and giving me the motivation to work on that and become better - and also telling me some things that maybe were only bothering her a little bit, but that she pointed out to me from being upset. (I wanted to ask your opinion on thanking her though) I figure thanking her would definitely be part of a verbal conversation though, if we have it when the time comes. I also want to leave it open to if/when she wants to talk, and if she wants to speak or just message.

That's all I got for now. I plan on updating again after her stream tomorrow - if it runs overnight I'll update in the morning then. I hope all is going well with you, and I'm here if you need anything! <3

@Adam10999

That's awesome! I'm so glad you got to spend that time with a friend. Especially a college one, since I know we both have struggled to make good connections there so far. 

I'm glad you feel like you improved - that has to be a relief to know it's getting better, even if it's not happening as fast as you thought. Let me know how round 2 goes. Good luck with that and the practice managing emotions!! 

That's probably a good idea. And good on you for realizing you should wait until you're sure you're ready to communicate with your friends. As for advice, I'm not sure I could tell you anything you haven't already thought of lol. But I do think that thanking her is definitely going to be better as an in-person thing. I also think that it could go both ways in terms of whether it's a good idea. From what you've told me, it sounds like she was feeling a little bit smothered. I think that if you do decide to thank her, it would be a good idea to keep it on the casual side. Being too fervent about it could leave her feeling a little bit overwhelmed, if that makes any sense. And that's not to say that your gratitude itself is smothering or that you should necessarily stifle it, just that it might be good to keep her feelings in mind - it might help her feel freer to keep the conversation open in the future. But take my advice with a grain of salt! I'm no expert with this stuff, this is just what I think as a third party :)

I don't have a lot to update on right now. I was supposed to get dinner with a college friend last night to celebrate her graduation, but she canceled last minute. To be honest I was a bit relieved - I'm still not feeling super up to socializing. Besides a short few messages on Christmas and New Year's Day, I still haven't contacted my Alice, and I haven't been contacted by her. I told you, however, that I would contact her this weekend and set up a time to meet, so I am still planning on doing that. I'm really grateful, by the way - I 100% would have given up by now for the millionth time, but this forum is keeping me accountable. 

On one hand, the more time that passes without her contacting me, the worse I feel about it. But that's when I think about it. On the other hand, the more time that passes without us interacting, the better I get about putting those feelings to the side and focusing on other things. I'm sure that I'm not doing as well as I think, but I know I'm at least making some process, which is good. 

I listened to that podcast you recommended to me! I listened to 208: "Tough Conversations And How They Improve Your Mental Health" as it seemed relevant to my near future lol. It was really nice to listen to someone lay out the benefits of tough conversations out so plainly, and he gave really solid advice as to how to handle the conversation itself. One point that stuck with me was that it is a conversation, not a monologue about what you've been feeling. Another point I liked is that you need to go into it knowing what you want the solution to be. I've been going through different situations in my head for this conversation I'm going to have, and I didn't realize how many of them were like that - me having my little moment where I get to vent everything, and then with an unrealistic resolution where I feel 100% better afterwards and we suddenly have the healthiest friendship of all time. The fact is that if this conversation doesn't end the friendship, then it's going to end with me having more understanding to her reasons and her making the commitment to do better, not her somehow making up for everything that happened before. Either way, I'm not going to see results immediately. I can't expect to suddenly feel 100% better after the conversation, and I need to be okay with that. 

Good luck with the stream! I'm cheering for you :D I'll keep an eye out for your update, and I'll update you when I contact my Alice. I'm here for you too! <3

@cloverisconfused
I really like your advice thank you! I definitely want to keep her feelings, thoughts, everything in mind moving forward, and I also want to make our conversation as comfortable for her as I possibly can. I think what you said about keeping the thankfulness important but light and not overwhelming will really help the situation, thank you!

I'm glad you got to do what you wanted in the end! Glad you're sticking to it, and proud of you for having the motivation to keep coming back here and reinforcing your original desire to contact her! I feel you too, although mine kind of got split between past and present - before I started working on myself I would find myself more and more sad and anxious the longer I didn't receive a reply, but now I'm finding myself to be more and more okay with moving on if things turn out for the worst. I completely agree too, any progress is better than no progress. Keep on keeping on - I think you're doing wonderfully!

I will definitely check out that episode today and share my thoughts, but I really like your take-aways and I think you've helped me so much already! I think I shared your expectations of my Alice and I having a meaningful conversation, and then just going back to out great friendship from before but with new boundaries and expectations of one another. That's definitely unrealistic though, and we will both have to put time and effort into building our friendship back up from a new foundation.

I really appreciate you <3

@Adam10999

Of course! Anytime :)

Thank you <3 I'll do my best! And that's interesting - I'm glad you're becoming more and more okay with moving on. I'm sure your mental health is thanking you lol

I agree :) Here's to both of us learning how to improve our relationships in a healthy way! Good luck and I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts about the episode :)

@Adam10999

Oh my god! I'm so so sorry I am so late in responding. For some reason I didn't get a notification that you had written back, and with all of our conversation to scroll past it got a bit lost :( That's totally my bad - please don't think it was because I didn't want to respond to you, because I did :)

Gotcha - well, I guess it's good that she seems happier, although it must feel so frustrating to think it might have all been your overthinking. And in that case, I'm sorry. I'm glad you messaged your other friends though - that seems like a good idea to just let them know you're alive :) Good luck with working on yourself btw - I think so far you're doing great <3

I like your comments on the episode. I also think questioning the validity of my concerns is something I do quite a bit, and I'm sorry you also struggle with it. I'm also sorry you've spent all that time fighting with yourself - it really is such an awful feeling, isn't it? I just want to reassure you that you don't need to question the validity of your concerns. If you're having concerns, you're having them for a reason. Even if the reason might not be the one you're thinking of, you have a right to express those worries and expect the other person to respect both you and your feelings. I definitely agree - the longer you wait to have these conversations, the worse it gets. 

I really like that saying - it makes total sense. We were talking about having regrets and making mistakes a while ago, and I think it really fits this phrase. Although we may have gone about things in ways we regret, we can't do anything about it. But we can do better, and focus on fostering healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. I'm proud of you for recognizing what you need to work on and then actually cracking down on it. Talking about self-improvement is one thing, but implementing it is entirely different. Not everyone takes that step, but you have, and I think that's commendable. And I agree - for someone who overthinks, I think some of the most valuable information from that episode relates to how we go about expressing our needs while being assertive but noncombative. Good luck with any tough conversations you have in the future! I'm sure you'll do great. (And remember! Perfect is impossible, and great does not = perfect. You can make mistakes and still have done a great job :) )

That's a good way to summarize it! In the end, a tough conversation can only have an imperfect ending. So multiple conversations is good at improving that ending, little by little. 

Oh, I see. That makes sense. I'm glad her bad mood doesn't seem to have been about you, but I'm sorry you spent all that emotional energy worrying about it. That really is exhausting and frustrating, and I'm sorry. But at the same time, I'm glad it was kind of able to start you on a journey to work on yourself and ultimately improve your mental health. 

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Although I absolutely understand your feelings, I hope you know that you are not a bad person at all. There was obviously a misunderstanding, and it doesn't take a crazy person for that to happen. Plus, you had no idea she was struggling with a loss. Sure, she could have told you, or you could have asked. But in the end, you didn't know. You saw signs that something was wrong and misread them as something was wrong with you. But that's okay. Things didn't go perfectly, and that's okay. You're not an awful person. Awful people don't feel bad about being awful. Good people who make mistakes do. Take it as a sign that you're a kind person who cares about other people. And now that you've made the mistake of assuming, you can take that information and keep it in mind as you go forward. You're not going to be perfect about it, but that is impossible and completely unreasonable to expect you to be. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break. You deserve it. <3

I'm not sure if it's too late to offer my help, but I am here if you need it. I'm sorry you're going through all this - it really is a rough situation to be in. Just remember I'm here in your corner! If you ever have doubts, remember I'm rooting for you <3

@cloverisconfused

@Adam10999

Of course! And you have a good point, this is good practice for both of us. 

And you're welcome - you have done and would do the same for me :) 

Yeah, and at risk of becoming too blunt, I agree you might be overthinking it a bit. I think a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry I didn't know until now" or something along those lines would suffice. Of course, we're all responsible for reigning in our own overthinking and anxieties, but she didn't tell you and you didn't ask - so in a way, the misunderstanding was a bit of a team effort lol. If after a while, after she seems like she's been able to move past her grief a little bit, it still seems like your friendship dynamic is weird... then I think that's when you should consider bringing it up to her again to make sure you're both on the same page. For now, though, I think it might be the wrong time to worry about it too much. 

Of course! I'm always here to do my best to help encourage and reassure you. I'm sure you're going to keep improving from here <3

@cloverisconfused

Hey friend! I wanted to check in and see how you're doing - make sure you're taking good care of yourself.

Just a quick update - that I decided to say "I wanted to offer my condolences and deepest sympathies for the loss of your family member, and I'm sorry I didn't know until now." I haven't heard anything back yet, not that it needs a reply or anything though.
Power went out like 3 times earlier this evening due to high winds, so that was good times lol.
Almost done with the tutorial videos on how to make my tower defense game, then I get to go wild with making it my own and adding/changing things! I'm super excited!

As for me and my mental health, I've actually been doing alright the past few days. Still a little jealousy to work on being okay with, but other than that things have been going fairly well. Your advice and reassurance from last we spoke really helped with understanding the situation.

I really appreciate you, and I very much look forward to our next conversation! <3

@Adam10999

Thanks for checking in! Sorry I've been MIA - spring semester started this week and it has been really really overwhelming. I'm doing my best though, and I think once I get a couple of weeks in I'll be able to get some time to myself. Because spring semester has been so insane so far, I haven't talked to Alice yet. I still haven't heard from her at all, but I think I'll wait until I have a better routine and feel a little more settled before I ask her to talk. 

I think that was a good way to phrase it! I'm sorry you haven't gotten a response yet - I'm sure that's discouraging. But I'm proud of you for doing it anyways. And oof power outages sound like tons of fun lol. That's so exciting to hear about the process on your game!! If you ever release it to the public I might give gaming a try haha. 

I'm so glad I was a help, and I'm relieved you're doing alright. I'm sorry you're still feeling a bit of jealousy, but that's understandable. I hope it starts going away soon though <3

I look forward to hearing from you!! I'll talk to you later :)

@cloverisconfused
I can imagine... my first week last semester was all 11-12 hour days on campus... it was exhausting! I really hope you'll get into a good schedule soon though so you can relax and get some time to yourself! Classes start for me this Tuesday, but I'm on the wait list for 3/4 of my classes... 2nd, 5th, and 7th still... I'm hoping to either get in by Monday evening, or else I'll have to change my schedule to get into other classes.

Power was out all yesterday so I completely took apart my keyboard, cleaned it, and put it back together. Then cleaned the fans on my computer too. The power came back on around midnight last night so I went to get some gaming in, but turned on my computer to the smell of a burning keyboard. Turns out I plugged the power/data cable in upside down on accident and either fried the capacitor or data chip on the circuit board... 😭 I found a spare keyboard and I bought a new one from my friend for cheap, but hopefully I can not only find a new capacitor, but also get it to work again! (rip my Redragon K580 Vata... 😭)

As for the lack of reply, I've kind of just accepted that she'll respond if she wants to and I'm not going to try forcing anyone anymore. If they want to spend time with me or show that they care - they will, you know?

I look forward to hearing from you <3 Keep being your amazing self!

@Adam10999

Yeeesh, that does sound exhausting! I'm glad you made it through that haha. Good luck with your classes! It's always stressful when you don't know what's coming, so I hope it works out soon. 

Oh no!!! 😭 That's the worst lmao. I'm sorry! I hope you can get it to work again! 

That makes sense. At some point, you have to accept that you've got to match what the other person is putting in, even if it's almost nothing. I'm glad you've been able to find some sort of peace with it. 

Thank you - I'll do my best!! You too <3 As always, I look forward to hearing from you too :)

@Adam10999

Hey! I wanted to see how you were doing. I hope all your technical stuff is going a little smoother for you 😭 that is literally the worst lmao. How have you been other than that? 

I was also wondering if I could ask you for a favor. Please feel free to say no - I promise I won’t be offended, and I’ll figure it out. But I’ve been trying to get myself to send that message to Alice for a day now and I think I just need a little encouragement or something because I keep coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’d like to know whether you still think this is a good idea, and either way, why. 

Again, if you don’t feel like it I totally understand, and I promise I’ll figure it out and do it eventually. But either way thank you <3 

@cloverisconfused
Hey! I just got done ordering a new capacitor that should come sometime later next week. I really hope that's where the problem lies, and that I didn't fry one of the processing chips - that would really suck!

I've been playing a lot of games lately, and I'm opening back up and being more social with the friends I so abruptly left. I don't remember if I mentioned or not, but I said screw it and checked my roles in her server and I still have that high tier role, and we had a minor interaction in someone else's Twitch stream last night, so I think we're all cool now which is fantastic! I still would like to wait at least a week after I sent my condolences, before fully opening things up and asking to go over things with her - so we're looking at this coming Monday, however classes start up the following day, so I might end up pushing it off until that following weekend, we'll have to see. I also have a long overdue hair cut scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, so that's going to be so nice!

I think we both know by now that no matter what favor you ask of me, it's an immediate yes! If encouragement is what you need, then I shall provide an abundance!
My genuine thoughts are that I really do think it will be really beneficial. It's been something you've wanted to do for a while now, and it will definitely help you get closure on the situation so you can move past it and upward to better things. I think if you decide not to do it, you'll be left with a "what if" which just prolongs your suffering and fuels your overthinking. I think that it's better to know than to be left wondering, so even if Allice has moved on, knowing that will set you free - otherwise you'll both be able to rekindle your friendship, be more fulfilled, and have a friendship stronger than ever!

The simple fact of you wanting to do this, yet overthinking of reasons why you shouldn't, is reason enough TO have your conversation with her. And there's also no guarantee it'll even come to a conversation, but you shouldn't feel bad about your decision regardless. If she does decide to let your friendship go, remember that you lost someone who didn't really care about you; but she lost someone who would have done anything for her - and that means that she is at more of a loss than you are - and that you have people who care, value, and appreciate you; who are willing to help you through the bad times, and make the good times even more magical!

No matter what you decide, I'll be right here supporting you through it all! You got this, I believe in you! You're very welcome, and Thank You! You're amazing, kind, sweet, respectful, honest, and so much more! We should all strive to be as wonderful as you! <3

@Adam10999

Oh, I hope so too! I don't know much about computers but it sounds like an annoying and expensive thing if it was your processing chip 😬 I'm crossing my fingers it isn't lol

That's great! I'm so glad things are looking up for you in that department. I agree that it might be good to wait a while. In the meantime, good luck with your upcoming classes, the haircut, and with your friends! 

Aw thank you <3 I really really appreciate you. That was all really helpful, and that second paragraph was exactly what I needed to hear. And you really are so sweet, thank you so much! You deserve the world :) You know what - to help keep me accountable, I'm going to send the text as I'm writing this. Ready, set, and..... OK I did it! I spent like 10 minutes hovering over the send button and 'm a little freaking out about it but it's all good. I can't take it back, it's happening, and it'll be good for me. 

Thanks for being there to help! I really appreciate how supportive and sweet you have been - it really has helped me so much. Good luck with everything! Let me know how it all goes. Bye for now! 

@Adam10999

She responded right away, which was a little out of character. She said she was just about to text me because she hadn't heard from me in a while, and that she's missed me but has been busy and knows I am too, and that it makes it hard to reach out. She said she was sorry I've been feeling like this and would be open to talking if I wanted. 

I'm not going to lie, it's definitely nice to hear. But I'm having a hard time fully trusting it, you know? I don't know if that's because it's so not what I was expecting, or if it's because it's not trustworthy, or if I just can't believe her bc of my own anxieties... I don't know. But so far she's being really cooperative and seems like she wants to work things out. I really hope this is the truth. 

Part of me is frustrated and laughing at myself because I spent literal weeks trying to figure out the perfect way to bring up this issue and work this out in the best way possible, and it seems like maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought. My hands are literally shaking from that release of pent up anxiety as I write this 😅

We're going to meet next thursday over some boba or something, so I'll update you on how it all went then! I'll also keep you updated on stuff in the meantime - if stuff happens, that is. As always, thanks so much for listening to me :)