Having to choose

To add on, I feel like I’m not getting supported by my wife. I was in the middle of a break down about it last night, then she just recommended we get divorced so I can go with him and left the room. I followed her and she just said she needed space. She had a panic attack and I had to be there to comfort her. So I did really have any chance to get my feelings out. Now today, she told me if I need time, take it. Check out and feel my feelings. So I am, but she won’t stop griping about having to take care of our daughter by herself. It’s making me feel more depressed that I’m not getting her support through this. I’m always there emotionally for her, and now that I need it in return I feel like I’m not getting it. It has my head in a million places and I don’t know what to do.

@Hurtandconfused86 I don't know what to say 😞 I'm so sorry sweetie ❤ this isn't gonna help but, children come first. As you well understand by what you just wrote. I really don't know what to say. Good luck with everything. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤

Firstly, you and your wife are both amazing parents, both trying to do what you can to keep your children safe and provide a loving environment. It doesn’t sound like it’s been easy for you both or for your son, who’s whole world will have changed having to pick his life up and move 10 hours away. It’s amazing that he made improvements whilst with you and that’s a credit to you and your wife. If all his family are back with his mum, perhaps they need to set up a support network to help support your ex in managing his behaviour whilst he’s with her.

Your wife will have been going through lots of emotions and hormonal changes throughout the pregnancy and after birth. This might be causing her to struggle to support you whilst dealing with all the other and new changes that have been happening in your lives. I am not saying that is an excuse for the lack of support you feel however. Could your wife possibly be suffering with postnatal depression because of all the stress?

It seems like you and your wife need a safe space you can share your thoughts and emotions. It’s great you’ve come here to try and get some of those thoughts out. Perhaps seeking out a professional who can provide the space and help you and your wife work through all the difficulties could be beneficial?

You have been carrying so much weight and you have done so well. It’s okay to not always know what to do. Try to talk it out and share what you want and hope for, what your concerns are etc.

I hope things get better for you soon

So tomorrow is the day I take my son back to his moms. My wife, rightfully so, got mad about me not mentioning drop off time. My head has been in a million places with this going on. My son and I went for a walk yesterday and had a long talk that really helped clear the air. My wife was upset over this because “his behavior doesn’t lead to him deserving a fun walk”. Then this evening, we DF used to go for one more in his last night here. I see no issue un wanting to have some special ti e before he moves 10 hours away. She again was infuriated, stating I’m not having her back after the accusations. She then asked for a divorce before we left. We returned home to her asleep. So I am getting our daughter ready for bed as well now. If not for her, I’d be leaving and staying with him tomorrow and moving back home, which he me too Ed he would live with me if that’s the case. I still feel stuck. Either way, I’m 10 hours away from one of my kids. I hate this life.

Your wife should be your primary concern. Your son is a young adult capable of making his own choices, he has chosen to misbehave even when he was given a chance.

I was an angry young man once, I lashed out at the world, there was other stuff going on. I didn’t find myself until I dealt with those issues.

Maybe there is something going on with your son that he hasn’t told anyone about.

I could be totally wrong, but if you feel like there could be something, let him know that he is loved and you will listen without judging. Give him a chance to vent, a safe time to explain everything that is making him angry. He might just end up telling you what actually is hurting him.

You can’t allow him to threaten your wife, she has the right to feel comfortable in her own home and expect that her husband will provide safety and security.

I don’t think you should leave him alone with your wife unsupervised, she obviously doesn’t like it.

He is definitely hurting inside, something is going on that he hasn’t told you or your ex about.

Edit: I did not read your follow up posts prior to writing my original reply.

Your current wife is being rather one-sided about all of this, however as another person commented she may be having some severe issues with hormonal stuff due to the pregnancy.

Im not well versed in that stuff so I can’t really say anything there, but when you mentioned that she said he shouldn’t be “rewarded with a fun walk” a big red flag came up for me.

I think your current wife wants your son out of the picture, you need to have an honest talk with her about what you both want out of your marriage.

She is absolutely right when she expresses concern over your sons behavior, you have the same concerns yourself.

He needs help with some things, establish steadfast boundaries for him should he be allowed to visit again.

but like I said earlier, I think something is going on that he hasn’t told anyone about. Young men don’t just lash out at everyone around them for no reason, something is hurting him inside, the sooner you find out what it is the sooner you can help him begin to heal.

Do not let this ruin your relationship with your wife, you married her for a reason, I assume it’s because you love her.

She married you for the same reason I hope.

You two should make a plan re: your son and stick to it. That way she is involved and neither of you are making decisions that the other doesn’t agree with. Form an alliance with her, be a team.

I really hope things work out for you, your wife, and especially your son.

Good Luck.

His main reasonings for leaving were she’s mean to him, she’s mean to me, he wants to repair his relationship with his mom and he wants to be closer to all of his family. He overheard a conversation my wife and I had where she said if he stays, she’s moving out with our daughter. He took that as her saying he is not welcome any longer.

My heart breaks in the entire situation. He did call me yesterday after starting school and told me how excited he was. He’s seeing old friends. They have the exact programs he wanted to take that the school here didn’t offer. I’m very happy for him. He still expresses that he wishes I would move closer so he can spend time with both parents without having to choose to live with one or the other. I do feel as if I’m missing home. I have been for quite some time. I moved here for work a few years ago and my wife has spend her entire life here. It’s a firm no for her in moving. I feel alone now. He was my last piece of home here with me. I’ve become extremely unhappy with myself. With my choice to send him back. I’m unhappy staying here, but I’d be sad to leave the marriage and leave. I just feel like it’s a no win situation. But I know I’m not happy here.

@Hurtandconfused86 @Hurtandconfused86 sounds like your son is resilient and knows what he wants. At this point it sounds like you're the one who is confused, and not sure what to do? As an adult daughter to my mom who lives very far away, it breaks my heart that I cannot be closer, but there are circumstances that are outside my control and my elderly parents'. I know I am not your son's age, but what I can confirm is that, as a daughter, nothing would have made me happier to see my parents happy and also when they truly express to be happy for me. If they are happy, then I am happy or was, if not, then it affects me. However, in recent days, I have come to realize that we all must have our own lives and "move on" and do our best to live our best lives. I completely understand why you would want to be closer to your son; I guess you have a tough choice to make in trying to figure out what to do for the future. You might not have all the answers now, and all I can say is see how your son is adjusting, and take one day at a time.