Looking for an accountability friend

I do not pray nor believe, but I think I get what you say.

I noticed that when I write down what bothers me or what I don’t understand (mainly because I need to have some notes on what happened for my next therapy session) I sometimes “solve” my problems by just having them laid out in a different way than simply on my mind.

I think saying something out loud, or writing it, changes our perception of the problem itself and allows us to understand it more and act better.

is this something you recognise?

Accountability for Monday, July 15th

I ate everything I was supposed to eat. I didn’t restrict, but I didn’t really listen to my hunger clues as I keep feeling bloated and cannot concentrate on anything different from my belly.

But - all in all - I’d say it was a good day

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Great job with your meals yesterday! That's an amazing win and take pride in that.

I'm hoping the bloating sensations lessen for you. From what I've read there are a lot of potential causes, and it might just be your body getting used to regularly eating too perhaps. I know sometimes going for a walk helps me.

Keep having faith in yourself, and patience! As we both need haha. Hoping you find success today!

@Turtleonmyleftarm, great job yesterday! I really understand the bloated feeling. Working through that shows real determination and discipline.

@enigmaticOcean8813 @Phoenix22k 

Thank you for your support!
Yeah, I read it's something quite common, but I still cannot shake the feeling my body is "flawed" and I will gain more fat than everyone else especially in my belly. 

But I'm determined to give it a try for a few days and see where it will go... 

@Turtleonmyleftarm, I'm experiencing the bloated feeling myself.  I hope that passes with time, no?

@enigmaticOcean8813

My psychologist (specialized in ED) says it will. 
I have no idea... 
I also have to admit I tend to eat lots of vegetables since they help me feel full and don't have many calories, and I know vegetables cause bloatings. 
But I am not ready to let vegetables go, in favour of other foods. I know it's like a dog chasing its own tail... 

@Turtleonmyleftarm, I am the same. I eat a lot of veggies (been vegetarian) for many years and it drives my wife up a wall that I don't eat cookies or other sweets.

Same!!! Not 100% vegetarian yet but almost.

Sweets are banned from my diet too, but actually I always had a sweet tooth so part of me misses them, I just don’t feel confident enough to eat them yet even if recently I tried a small portion of ice cream - but the guilt that came after it wasn’t worth the taste

Looks like we all love our veggies! That's a large portion of my diet too along with lean proteins.

I noticed for me that as I get more consistent with my diet my body is able to process them better so not as much bloat.

And don't feel alone with sweets. I... Just can't. I know that once I start I can't stop. I battle for a while thinking oh I'll never be able to enjoy that, but I need to work on adopting the mindset of it will make me happier and healthier in the long run.

It's just rough always getting the glares from other people when you have to put them down. They think I have such strong self-will but truth is I'm powerless once I start.

Accountability 7/15

Although I woke up and felt bad after slipping, the rest of the day turned out really well.

All my meals were "good" and I kept them down. When I got home from work I had some yogurt as a snack and when dinner came around I was able to eat until satisfied and not stuffed.

Went to bed at a much better time and am feeling much better about myself today.

One day at a time ( and one meal at a time)

@Phoenix22k, what a great report!  Your last line is so great for us to remember - one day at a time, one meal at a time.  Keep up the good work!

Thank you!!

How has your journey been going?

@Phoenix22k

Proud of you for not letting one slip ruin your day, and for getting back on saddle. 

I love how these accountability entries are turning out. 
Sending lots of love - your cheerleader 🐢

Accountability entry for Tuesday, July 16th

I ate the quantities indicated by my dietician.

I went to the gym and I think I had a little bit more energy than usual. I am not sure this was really “real” or if I convinced myself I had more energy since I have been constantly eating more in the last 4 days. But either it was my body or my mind, I’ll take this positive thing and go with it.

I also removed my social media apps as I realised they were just harming me (I was using them to check recipes I never do as I think they’re too high in calories and so get frustrated. Or I see people with bodies I am convinced I will never be able to compare with, and get even more frustrated). So I just cancelled them.

@Turtleonmyleftarm, this sounds really great! Hats off to you for 4 days of progress.

Awesome work turtle!

Your energy could been well be from having a more consistent diet. It likely is a combo of both, better fueled body and a better fueled mind!

Comparison is the thief of joy... I heard that quote a while ago and it is certainly the case. Especially with all the Photoshopping and "advice" that is out there.

I hope you continue to feel motivated and better each day!

Accountability 7/16

Had another good day! Having school during the day definitely helps occupy me in a healthy way and has kept my lunch and time after largely temptation free.

As usual, I have quite a dip in energy afterwards. But I'm learning to listen to my body and just take a nap or relax in the afternoon. Part of it could also be withdrawal from the binges. But I've managed to stay strong.

Just finished up a nice dinner and am going to rewind with some Netflix and head to bed a little earlier as perhaps that will help me have more energy in the afternoon.

@Phoenix22k

Good to read you had another good day, and that you're learning to listen to your body. 
I am really proud of you for this!

The fact you're having less energy in the afternoon I think could be quite normal, since you train in the morning and have quite a busy morning too with school. But you're doing an amazing job learning how to cope with it, and relaxing/unwinding with a little netflix and chill instead of using other coping mechanisms that will only make you more tired after. 

So kudos to you!!!!

What did you see on Netflix? Anything good you wish to share with us? :)

@turtleonmyleftarm

Thanks! I do know that my energy dip is cause I get up early and then am on my feet. But it's almost like I feel guilty for getting tired and not doing anything. But I'm getting better at giving myself time to relax and not feeling bad.

Thanks for the encouragement!

I watch all kinds of things! I was in the mood for an action movie though and found the equalizer 3. I enjoy a lot of the action, superhero, sci Fi series though.

A little bit of an alarm.

Since finding the group, which has been helpful for accountability, I have been adding one small meal a day per dietician instructions. But whether it's the anorexia or OCD, I still weigh myself every day.

And I found that even after adding an extra meal, my weight has dropped by a pound. And I had a very large dinner. I never eat chicken. I ate chicken, we had pasta, and my wife made a Brussels sprouts with bacon dish, which is a favorite, but fatty, so you would think there would be plenty of calories.

I never would have expected to lose weight, rather than the opposite, which I was expecting to gain weight. It's only a pound, maybe it'll come back, but still a concern for today.

It's still early, breakfast has just ended.

Hi,

My dietician said it happens,

I haven’t experienced it, but she said sometimes our bodies realise there’s more fuel to burn and they start working more than usual (after being used to being in an energy saving mode).

So weight might drop.

I know it is difficult but please try not to think about your weight for a few days. If it will still drop, then check with your doctor. But otherwise I would give you body some time.

I know it might be my ED brain talking, but if you really want to focus on your weight, just use this morning’s information to your advantage. What I mean is: I ate more and lost weight, so I should keep eating more!

I am proud of you for what you did yesterday and for your courage. Keep up the good work!

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement! I will take this as a positive sign for the week ..

@enigmaticOcean8813

Yes please! Let's look at the bright side. 
I am with you 💜

Proud of you for adding in some meals and trying! Those meals subs delicious and healthy, fats included.

Your body probably appreciate the fuel and your mind/brain need calories as well. Additionally our bodies retain water in different ways which may be a reason for all the weight changes.

Try and focus on the great progress your making and know I'm cheering you on!

Accountability for Wednesday, July 17th

I started my day with a nice run (fast intervals) and then went through my day eating what I was supposed to eat.

But when dinner came, my brain started to tell me I was wrong and started to tell me I should use a little bit less carbs, way less fats… In the end I pushed myself and ate everything. But it wasn’t easy and I am not happy. I feel my strength is starting to fail after a few days of eating more, and I feel my ED brain is constantly trying to tell me I am getting fatter and fatter. It is getting more difficult to shut it down as I have been eating more and I know the scale has been moving up.

I hope I will be stronger tomorrow. Today I have been headstrong but not “convinced” about what I was doing.

@Turtleonmyledtarm

I'm really proud of you for sticking it out and eating all you were supposed to! Celebrate this small win, even if it doesn't feel right.

It's interesting how you say you feel your strength is starting to fail, as I would think it would be the opposite. In what ways do you see it failing? It sounds like you had a great run!

It will take time to "convince" yourself that it is appropriate to eat more so know that it's natural. How long would you say it has been since you have had your ED? For me roughly 10 years... So I try and tell myself it will take a long time to "rewire" my brain. But from all I have read it is definitely possible.

Keep being strong, doing your best, and have courage.

Sending love and patience your way

@Turtleonmyleftarm

I noticed that my previous post didn't have the right name mentioned 😅

You are doing so well! And thanks for sharing the phrase "ED Brain" I think that is something we all struggle with. Keep up the good personal work and leadership of our little group!

Thanks @Phoenix22k and @enigmaticOcean8813

I really appreciate your comments and how you’re cheering on me.

When I write I felt my strength was failing I didn’t mean it in terms of my body – you’re right, I had a great run.

I meant my mental strength. I see the weight increasing, I feel my belly is bigger than it was, I constantly have my mind telling me I am eating too much… And it’s piling up. So if on the first days I could eat more and tell myself “nothing’s going to happen”, now I eat more and immediately get waves of “you’re getting fatter by the minute” from my entire body.

So that’s why I said I feel I might be getting closer to giving up.

There’s actually only one thing making me resist.
My personal trainer. He’s not a normal PT, he is actually a super highly trained mix between a trainer and a post-surgery rehabilitator, plus he’s studying physiotherapy to get even better in what he does. I started working with him a year and a half ago, after I had my hip surgery.
I don’t even remember if I wrote you about my hip surgery…  If not, it will be a good topic for another time.
Anyway, when I met him I wasn’t able to do anything. He made me realize I could actually do sports, I could actually run, I could actually get out of the idea of myself being the chubby, clumsy 6 year old who was always the last one to be chosen during gym classes at school.
He was the first one to realize there was something going on, and supported me while I found the courage to ask for help. And he still cheers on me, and keeps an eye on me.
And when I eat more, I try to think about it as more fuel to use when I train with him, to show him I can do more – I can get better.

Yes, you can and will get better.

And by strength, I assumed you meant mental strength, not physical. You're meal reports sound like your intake is proper so I had been assuming that physically you were f doing ok. ED is one of those insidious things that are both physical and mental and we have to balance and work on both.

Keep going!

Yes you can! We all can.... Dare I say we will!

Ahhh yes, mental strength that makes more sense. I was responding post workout so had physical on my mind haha.

Just think of how far you've come since that age of 6. While there is still work to do, you have done an incredible amount for yourself and have shown that you are capable of being picked first!

Hope your day is still going well.

Accountability 7/17

I woke up feeling really good. A little extra sleep after appropriate meals was great. I don't know why I can't just remember this each day, that when I eat right, I sleep and wake much better. Instead sometimes I forget and have that late session like the other day and way up miserable.

Lunch and the afternoon went well. Did my extra little 10 minute cardio and stretching when I got home and this boosted my energy for a time. I just don't want to feel like I NEED this new routine. But I guess I'll take whatever works to fend off boredom and a binge.

Dinner went well but I had an extra portion besides feeling full. I kept it down, but I could feel the waves of "keep going". It was rough. The portion was "healthy" really just another bit of salad, but it was a trigger.

For today, I want to put down my dinner and recognize if I'm truly full and satisfied and not have an extra bit so I don't encourage binge thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your encouraging and great report! 💯

@Phoenix22k

Hi Phoenix!
I am sorry your extra portion of salad was a trigger yesterday night. But I am so proud of you for recognizing it and not purging.

I hope today went better!
I am looking forward to reading about your day.
You’re in my thoughts!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Hi, I’m really happy for you to see how you are trying to become a better-self! I think just coming up with this kind of idea and having the courage to do it is already something great. I might not be the kind of friend you are looking for but I bet you will find that friend. Also for you to become a better you sooner, I guarantee you to think of a gift to give yourself after like a week eating usually. At last I wish you happy everyday!  

Hi @magnoliahua,

Thank you for your kind message!
I really appreciate it!

It’s a very good idea planning on a little gift for the weekend if I “behaved”.
@Phoenix22k and @enigmaticOcean8813 what do you think?
Should we think about small gifts we should give ourselves for sticking with our goals? From what I’ve read, you both already deserve it.
It could be an idea writing each other’ what we might gift ourselves and then check if we actually did it. We could decide the gift on Monday, and then on Sunday we’ll update each other on the results!
What do you think?

Yes, yes, I like the "gift" idea a lot. You are so creative, and again, showing great leadership.

Now I am going to have to think what mine would be.

I know I told all of you that I had been lying to my wife about my anorexia, well, yesterday, I finally told her the truth and made the appointment with my PCP that she and my neurosurgeon wanted me to make. I shared with her some articles about male anorexia, as well. That is my victory for the week. Now I have to pick a gift!!!

I like the gift idea as well! For me though it wouldn't be food related. I want to see the new Deadpool movie next week so maybe I'll hold off on my gift until it comes out next weekend and use that as my motivation.

I have a regular day off tomorrow so that is a gift in itself!

@enigm

@Phoenix22k

This is such a good idea!
I will keep it for myself too for next week, as here in Italy Deadpool will come out in cinemas later on. 

I think I might buy myself a new pair of shoes, something summery and fresh. 
But let's see if I deserve it, since yesterday I reduced my portions a little bit... If I get back on track, I think new shoes will be my gift!