Looking for an accountability friend
Hi everyone,
I am starting my recovery journey from anorexia.
I should eat more, but I find myself constantly restricting and saying "no" to adding what I should be adding on my plate.
In the last few days I really struggled with my energy levels and with my wellbeing in general, so I said to myself I must start doing something otherwise if I continue going down this path I don't know where I'm going to end...
So I had this idea. I would like to find an accountability friend. If it's someone who wants do do the same with me, maybe it would be better because we could help each other and "push" each other. But if you're not struggling with this, no problem, just please make sure you will not be triggered by any of this because I don't want my problems to become your problems.
Ok going back to my idea - sorry if I lost my trail of thoughts - I imagined like daily messages saying what we managed to eat, if we managed to reach the specific quantities indicated by the dieticians or not, if we allowed ourselves something extra, whatever. Each single step would be celebrated, and each single misstep would be understood and we would offer each others' kind words of encouragement for the following day.
Is there anyone here interested in something like this?
You could also send me some private messages to get to know each other and analyze a little bit better this idea, and then we can decide if we want to proceed or not.
Thank you, I wish you all a good day!
Hi there!
I was just about to post something looking for the same idea. I'm not sure if you found a friend to confide in yet but I could use the extra motivation as well.
Something like discussing daily summary in the afternoons or so, and maybe goals for the next today, along with all you mentioned.
Feel free to PM me as well.
Best of luck and have patience and grace with yourself 🙏
@Phoenix22k
Phoenix I really am a disaster!
You know, I can't figure out how to contact you privately 🤣
I hope you can do it, so we can start our private chat!
Aww well I'm glad to be your friend through this!
My journey has been quite an "adventure" as well. I'll look into how to reach out to you.
Myself, I'm more defined as bulimic.. I binge eat and purge. But I have found exercise to be a great little victory each morning. So I will eat a few healthy meals (and keep them down) but I struggle with boredom/loneliness and that's when my mind wants to self soothe with food.
Going out, buying junk, mindlessly eating and purging. I've been able to hold off the sessions recently but it feels just like that... Like I'm only holding back the flood waters until it bursts.
Know that I'm proud of you for sharing and though our stories may be different, that we can change and improve. I've shown myself this a few times but have relapsed as well. So looking for consistency.
You rock! Let me see if I can find the 1-1 messages.
Hi Phoenix, thank you for your message.
I found a great help in morning exercise too. Strangely I do not see it only as a way of burning calories or getting thinner, I actually enjoy it and think it saved my life. But I’ll get more into it another time, if you’ll be interested.
I understand boredom can be difficult to overcome and that binging could result from it. What do you enjoy the most? Let’s see if we can find something you can turn to if loneliness or boredom ruin your day. And please do not hesitate to contact me if you wish to use me as a way of getting out of boredom or loneliness- I am here for you!!!
Hi!
I wasn't able to find out about a PM, we might have to be verified listeners to do that but I'm done continuing on this thread.
Glad to hear your an exerciser as well! It has kept me motivated and sane over the years. It's not a punishment or anything, but something that makes me feel good and starts my day off right. I'm glad that you look at it in a healthier way too! I know at first I used it as a way to get an "ideal body" but that mindset has changed. Seems like we have that in common 😊
So I like a lot of things. I'm an avid reader of fantasy and use that to occupy myself and some casual video games. Also, don't judge! Love Legos still even as an adult haha. My thing is that when I get food on my mind all these things just seem like I'm forcing myself to do them. But they are getting more enjoyable. I've found walks around my neighborhood to be helpful too.
I'm a generally introverted person, and enjoy my independence and time alone but came here for support knowing community would be helpful. I've been reaching out to some local groups to get involved as well.
I really appreciate the support turtle!
How about you? Do you have specific triggers or is it more of eating at any time or just very little? Hope you're finding success today.
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix!Yeah, I
think that could be a possibility.
In my “chat” section I can only research verified listeners, so I had the feeling it could be that way.
When I was young, I was never good with sports and exercise. I was overweight, and I was clumsy. I remember at school being the last one chosen when we had to organize volleyball games or that kind of stuff. So I grew up with a non-athletic body and 100% convinced I sucked at sports and exercise.
I became an exerciser a few years ago when I first experienced anxiety. I remember coming back from work one night, being on the phone with my husband and telling him “you know what, I really feel like hitting something” – I turned my car around and stopped at a gym where I knew they had fitboxe classes.
That was a huge relief at that stage, and helped me build a little bit of stamina.
Then I slowly moved to other classes but I always felt like I had to do it for
my body shape mainly. During Covid I found “Team Body Project”, English
trainers living in Australia, doing amazing fitness videos where they’re very
real – nothing exaggerated, no abs right in your face, or absurd promises. They
have a motto that’s progress not perfection, and they guide you through daily
30-minute videos without tiring you too much you so you actually enjoy them, and move
everyday, and get better.
With them, I found out that training for a little while every morning really
turned my days around. I felt better, more energized, happier, fitter – like in
my wellbeing, not fitter in terms of body shape (even if that got better too,
but it wasn’t the main focus).
I had never realized it before, but found out I am actually a morning person and I NEED to wake up sooner than everybody else and move. It’s MY time, just for myself. It helps me be me, be sane, be happy.
I also took up walking as my husband decided to start running and training for a marathon, and I would go with him to the running/walking events here in our area. But I always had some issues. A pain here one time, a pain there another time, always stopping me and not making me improve my time, distance etc. At a certain point I started having really deep groin pain and had to stop and investigate it as it really didn’t pass or improve. My first reaction was “typical, you’re never going to be good at this, you’re weak, you’re overweight, blah blah blah”. But I found out I had hip impingement, basically the shape of my hip bone and femur weren’t right one for the other, and had corrective surgery.
And here is where my life changed for the better.
Through my surgeon and physiotherapist I met an amazing PT that followed me through my prehab and rehab. And he never treated me as if I wasn’t capable of doing the exercises. He never allowed me to say I was weak, or clumsy, or not in shape or whatever my brain was telling me. He always believed in me more than I will ever believe in myself, and took me by the hand and made me do movements and exercises I never thought I could do.
My hip healed perfectly and I could have said goodbye to him. But it’s been more than a year, and I still go train with him twice a week because he is my safe place (other than my husband of course). He makes me better, and with him I feel better.
He also pushed me to run. Spoiler: my surgeon said I would never run, but at the time it wasn’t even on my mind. The old fat me would never be able to run, so I never even had the idea of trying, so when he mentioned that I was like “yeah don’t even need to tell me, I will never do it anyway”. Now I can run 10 km. I am not fast, I will never compete, but I can do it.
I stopped the “Team Body Project” videos now because I go to the gym with that amazing PT and, when I don’t go to the gym, I wake up at the break of dawn and go for a run. But I still love them and think they are amazing.
When I started going to the gym years ago, my focus was on my body and getting thinner. Now I just do it because I love how it makes me feel and I just need to move.
Last year I had some issues and slowly became anorexic. I don’t binge and purge, I just restrict my intake and watch every ingredient, always trying to use the least caloric or the “healthier” ones. I don’t avoid eating at all, but I mainly eat vegetables and fruits and try to restrict everything else.
When I first started going to the psychologist, or now that I am starting the visits to be treated by an ED centre, they all immediately started worrying about sports – asking what I do, for how long, etc.
99% of anorexic people see sport as a way of burning calories and become obsessive about it. Luckily I don’t see it that way, so I am being allowed to keep doing it (even if they asked me to reduce a little bit my running time until I start eating more, but they understand they cannot ask me to stop).
I am sorry this message became so long! But I love it so much, and it’s so important to me, I felt I had to explain it well.
What about you? What kind of sport do you do to start your day?
Going back to the other stuff, I was an avid reader in the past but in the last few years due to work/family/etc. I read less. But I loved fantasy! So if you have any favourite book or series, please let me know. It could be a great opportunity to start reading a little bit more once again!
Regarding Lego… I really cannot judge you! My husband has a nice collection of Star Wars, Avengers and Batman Lego, I love buying them for him and then sit with him while he builds them up. I am not very good at it, but I like to separate the different shapes and help him find them while he builds them. We also have a Lego BB8 that I always joke “is mine, not his”. So yeah, I am completely on board with you on this. If I judge you on this, I only judge you positively!!!
As you, I am mostly introverted and love/need my me-time. I find it difficult to open up with my loved ones, but find it easier here with anonymous posts and people I actually don’t know in person. It makes me feel less judged I guess?
I am sorry I wrote such a long, long message. I hope I didn’t make too many mistakes, as English is not my main language (I am Italian) but I think this could be a good chance to improve my writing skills too 😊
Thanks again for reading all of this!
Hope you’ll have a great day today!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Thank you so much for all the sharing! There is no need to apologize for the lengh, I too can get a bit long winded. It's nice to just "let it all out!"
- You sound incredible with your journey and from the work you have done to transform yourself physically, and mentally. While I was an athlete growing up (soccer) I was very hard on myself and always wanted to look better. I got into the P90X program and LOVED it. I would go to the gym first thing in the morning at college before it got croweded and from there I kept my AM routine. Now I go to events like obstacle races and will actually be doing a Spartan Race tomorrow! It is a decent amount of running, with obstacles thrown in. I try for my best time but mainly do it for the sense of accomplishment at the end.
- I too am an early morning exersicer. It is also my time, non-negotiable mostly, and really sets my day up for success.I have consisently done it now for 10 years and its just part of me at this point. For me its not about "shame" or anything, just a daily victory that I can control.
- With P90X they had a meal plan I did my best to follow. Here is where part of my ED journey began. I also would count/weigh and stress myself out to no end about things. Eventually this morphed into binge sessions, and then I remember a family member commenting on my weight ( though still relatively healthy) and that really got to me. Purging became a regular and I went from around 180 to 120 lbs ( sorry for not knowing the conversion!)
- I now am at a much healthier, but still lean, weight and my diet (aside from binges) is healthy proteins and lots of veggies, I've been working on adding more carbs in as I think many of my triggers come from needing healthy carb energy.
- Walking has also become a nice relief. I live near my parents so sometimes will go on walks with them, or just around the block to get out of my place and a change of scenery (so long as its nice out).
I also think its so great that you have recovered from your hip issue and despite the doctors diagnosis proved them wrong. It shows the resilience of your spirit and determination.
I feel that we really have some similar mindsets, are mostly proud of ourselves, but are just struggling with consistency and getting over that last "hump". I try to think of it like an obstacle in the races I do... despite continually failing it haha.
Ahhh fantasy novels. So I'm currently reading the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. I also highly recommend the Wheel of Time Series (books not tv show), and of course the Lord of the Rings.
For me, I'm single and just live with my awesome cat Fenix. This is good and bad as I am very independent and enjoy this, but also keeps me too inside. I do enjoy helping others, I am a teacher and love that part of my life. I have had trouble finding other people around me that enjoy fitness, reading, ect. I am not a drinker, this is not even a part of the diet or anything I just never enjoyed it, and much of life around where I am seems to involve this like going to bars and staying out late. So in the summer it's just me and my thoughts...
I am really proud of you and your self-awareness. I hope that you had a great day yesterday and are working on getting enough calories in a healthy manner.
For me I know its also counter intutive, as for working out I NEED to fuel my body, but I do not think I have been fueling it enough and confusing it with my purges.
Fortunately yesterday was a 100% victorious all healthy meals no purge day! I feel so great this morning and motivated. Part of which I kept reminding myself is that I am not alone and there are other awsome people out there working on themselves as well.
And great work! Sorry I do not know much italian so I hope this makes sense to you too.
Let me now how your diet went yesterday and what your goals/focus are for today!
Progress... not perfection 😊
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
Now that I know Phoenix is the name of your cat, I like you even more!
Please describe me your cat!!!!!
I have a black cat, Inky (from Ink) and two dogs – Ziva and Marvin.
I love animals, they’re the best thing in the world.
This morning I went for a morning walk with my husband (instead of running we
decided to have a walk together since these days are really hot and we felt we should
keep it easy) and while we were walking we found an orange and white cat with amazing
green eyes. He came to me purring and meowing and let me pet him.
It really made my day!
I didn’t know P90X and I’ve just looked at it. And It seems quite hard – opposite to how I started my fitness journey.
And then I’ve seen you’re going to do a Spartan Race tomorrow! This is so amazing!!! I am in awe at you, you’re a force of nature.
Please let me know how it goes, I think you’ll do amazingly but I am really looking forward to reading all about it.
To me it seems like something really difficult but satisfying.
I am creating in my mind an image of you that’s more and more positive and cool at each sentence I read.
Picture me looking at you with heart-shaped eyes!
I am sorry your family members’ comment got under your skin and worsened your ED that much.
Most of the
times people really don’t think or understand how much words can hurt, especially
if we’re already hurting and just covering up our bruises to the others so that
they don’t see it but they’re already there.
Going back to P90X, I guess they did it for the best, but it’s so dangerous
when people are not trained to give diets or dietary advices, and they do. We’re
all different, we all have different necessities, and when we look at those
general advices we can really damage our wellbeing. Internet would be a better
place if there weren’t so many people publicizing diets, or saying things about
food and stuff. It only confuses us, and leads us to making choices which we
think are the best for us, but actually aren’t.
For example you write about the fact that you’re probably not fuelling your workouts correctly, and I feel the same. But how do we know if we’re fuelling our bodies the right way?
You look at a website and they say X grams of protein. Another website says less protein, more carbs. Then there’s the fitness influencer saying we should eat fats so that we can use those for our workouts.
And we start losing the ability to listen to our bodies and understanding what it actually needs!
Going back to “lighter” stuff, I’ve seen that The Stormlight Archive is made of like 10 books and the Wheel of Time is made of 14 books.
Quite a handful! Which of the two do you think would be easier to read and follow for a gal that hasn’t faced such huge series in a long time? 😊
I’ve read the Lord of the Rings and loved it!
I see we have a lot in common. How we live, the fact that we don’t like to drink or staying out late, and that we prefer an easier life, fitness, helping others and spending time with our thoughts…
Thank you for deciding to reply to my thread a few days ago. I think we were meant to start talking!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
I am really enjoying this conversation and especially the support and stories you have shared. It is so nice to be able to talk to someone with similar experiences. My parents are aware of my history, and though I know they love and support me, they do not quite "understand" the challenges every day. So know that just by sharing you have helped.
Phoenix... he is a black/gray tabby. Honestly the greatest thing ever. I swear he is part dog. So I let him outside in the AM then I do my workout, and then when I'm done he is ready to come back in. He likes to get his exercise too. Now in the summer since I'm off he gets extra time outside and he's loving it. He will often just sit on the back porch and watch things, like a dog. At night he stays in with me. I got him about 10 years ago and he is so laid back. I think we are mirrors of one another in a sense.
Your pets sound wonderful as well! Very creative names! I sometimes wish I had a dog to go on walks with, but Cats are just so much easier. Give them all a scratch on the belly for me! What kind of dogs are they?
You are spot on with the diets. For a time I was looking for the "perfect" one. I worked through Paleo, Mediterranean, low-carb, keto, and now am getting more satisfied sticking to "whole" foods. I am one of the few people who genuaenly enjoy big salads and am always "that person" who orders one.
At times though this is challenges. Seeing what others eat without thought and how good it looks leaves me wanting it. In the past I would then buy similar foods after seeing them, then come home to chow it down/purge. I have gotten much better with this and just try not to ruminate on the foods or realize that they will only make me happy in the moment not long term.
Some food I know are a trigger, like Peanut Butter, which is sad because I REALLY LIKE peanut butter haha. But I do put a little bit in with a protein shake which satisfies the craving and I feel good about eating it. But I have to stay clear of desserts still as I cant quite control myself around them. I suppose it is like an alcoholic must feel, and I just need to abstain from eating them. The problem I find however is that so much of society and culture is built around food and it is hard to be the person who says no to things all the time.
**Today so far has been going really well again for me. I'm still feeling "high" off the success of yesterday. I am also looking forward to the spartan race tomorrow so have it as motivation to properly fuel myself today. They are a lot of fun, and yes challenging. The thing is though you see people of all walks of life doing them. They too are a community of people just out there cheering one another on. If you have anything similar in your area I recommend giving them a try! Mine is a 10k but they have 5k versions as well.
As for a smaller Fantassy that is good, Brandon Sanderson also has the Mistborn trilogy. It is more akin to the size of the Lord of the Rings. Also good. I do like Big Series though! To me they are like a marathon in themselves and I feel satisfied after reading. But sad that they are over...
I hope you are finding success today! Perhaps try and think of food as the fuel you need for your engine to keep being awesome.
Hi Phoenix,
I am enjoying this too, I really see we have lots in common and I think we can get help one from the other, by sharing our experiences and thoughts.
First of all, let me tell you that you are in my thoughts during your Spartan Race. I wish it’s going well and that you are enjoying it and having fun. Looking forward to reading all about it 😊
your feline companion seems such a great pal! I love how you described him and his calm and gentle personality. Animals are really the best thing in the world!
My dogs are a Rottweiler (Ziva) who’s the most adorable and kind dog in the world and wouldn’t hurt anyone or anything so it’s sad to see she’s scary to most of the people because she just wants to love on everyone. Marvin is a poodle mix and he’s so full of energy! We jokingly say that Ziva, calm and loving, is just like my husband while Marvin, energetic and full of life, is just like me.
When you write about seeing the others eating without thought, it really resonated with me because yesterday evening I had to go to a dinner with friends. I tend to avoid dinners and reduce them as much as possible lately, inventing reasons why I can’t go, but yesterday I soldiered up and went to the dinner. I thought it would be a chance to eat something different, something more, and try to be normal.
All of this came crumbling down when I saw the menu, and found myself looking at the lighter options. When we started comparing our ideas on what to get before the waiter came to take our order, everyone was getting burgers and I had the impression they were judging my choice. Moreover when we met I had a lot of comments like “you’re so thin, you’re getting invisible”. So last minute I changes and got a hamburger like everyone else.
It was really good, I cannot hide it. And I ate all of it, fries included. I just avoided dessert, which everyone else got.
I felt so bad afterwards 😢
Bloated, nauseous, and dizzy… This morning I am not feeling 100% and had a light breakfast because even if I felt a little hunger I thought I really shouldn’t have been, and keep feeling a little weak. But I ate so much, I think this is all in my head and it’s because I feel guilty for what I ate.
But looking back, everyone got a burger. They also had beers, and desserts, and stuff. So they actually ate more. Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I convince myself I must be 1000000000 kg fatter today when it’s obviously impossible?
Why am I unable to live the moment with my friends and just let it go? I spent the entire evening feeling like *** and not being able to really have a nice conversation and felt almost detached.
I feel so stupid and tired today… 😢
I hope you, on the contrary, had a great day and that you can come back to this thread and share winning experiences with me, as I wish you all the best in the world ❤️
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
No, I didn't find anybody so I will be more than happy to send you a private message and start this "new adventure" with you.
I hope we can find some help and relief together.
If anybody else reads this and wants to speak, please do not consider this tread as closed.
Thank you!
Hi, is this thread closed or are the two of you willing to open up the accountability group?
Hi Ocean! 🤗
Please feel free to share your thoughts with us!
This thread will always be open for whoever needs to talk.
How are you?
Whats bugging you today?
Sending love,
🐢
@Turtleonmyleftarm, mapy thanks for the reply.
I greatly appreciate leaving the thread open for whoever needs to talk. I've been struggling with anorexia for years, but only now I'm finally admitting it to myself and to my wife and to my family, and I am not a youngster. I'm about 68 years old, retired, I never let my wife know what I weighed, and she only found out when I had to have two recent spinal cord surgeries, and when I went back to see the neurosurgeon last week, he noticed that I had even lost more weight than when he did the second surgery a year ago.
I had a dietitian for a while who gave me a good plan, but I never followed it because I didn't want to gain weight, and I always lied to her about my weight and how much I was gaining, and now that I am on Medicare, they won't cover dietitians, nutritionists, they call them now.
She gave me a very good plan, and it makes perfect sense, but I just can't bring myself to do it, and I don't have good support at home.
My wife is concerned, but doesn't show it in an empathetic way. She's very hard and rigid, and so that doesn't make it very easy to try to recover. The psychiatrist that I've been seeing for 35 years is very expensive, and of course, he isn't covered by insurance either.
I know what I have to do, but I just can't bring myself to do it, and I suppose that is what is bugging me today.
@enigmaticOcean8813
Hi Ocean,
thanks for sharing your experience with us.
I can
understand how you feel.
I too have a diet plan from a dietitian and cannot bring myself to follow it.
I went to that dietitian from July last year, to April of this year.
I think his intentions were good, but I really never managed to trust him or build a relationship with him so I’ve never actually been able to follow his directions.
It’s not even that I don’t trust him.
I actually don’t trust my body, I am convinced that if I start eating what he recommended
I will just immediately become obese.
But all of this comes from my youth, when I was very young I was very overweight so I know this all stems from there.
What about you?
From what you have been writing, it seems you’ve always been thin? Otherwise your problems might have been more evident to your family, while it seems it actually all came crumbling down recently after your spinal cord surgeries…
Would you
like to try and explain to me how you behave with food?
I imagine your wife puts it on the dinner table and sees if you eat or not, how
much you eat, etc. so if that’s ok for you, please share a little bit more
about how you normally act. Let’s see if there is something we can identify as
a “starting point” to help you.
May I also
ask you another thing?
When you try and eat a little bit more, do you feel hungrier after your mean than
you were before?
I am here for you, to listen to whatever you would like to share – or rant about.
So please don’t hesitate to write more.
Sending love
Hi Ocean!
Glad to have you here! I have found the conversation between Turtle and I to be really helpful and give me some sense of "another person" is out there.
Feel free to share your story and join in our "exciting" lives haha
@Phoenix22k, Thanks, for the warm welcome!!!
Hey! I have really enjoyed this conversation and support. Know that I think of it often and it's a place I come to be supportive and find support when I'm feeling .. tempted.
I made a Google doc that is public we could add to if you're interested. With Google docs you should be able to edit it WITHOUT signing in. So we can still all remain anonymous. It would make communication easier I think and also commenting ect.
If this is something you would like to use I think it would be great! I also completely respect if not. Also not sure if this is against any 7 cups policies.
Again you can remain anonymous, but only is with the link can access.
Let me know your thoughts!
Hi Phoenix,
I tried but it doesn’t let me click on the link, I will try tomorrow from my computer at the office. From the app it seems it doesn’t let me do it 😢
Interesting, it might be a safety feature which I thought about.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unsinkable_Sam#:~:text=Oscar%20(known%20by%20his%20nickname,the%20sinking%20of%20three%20ships.
Copying and pasting the above may work. If not it was worth a try!
Haha wrong link that time! It was about a cat that was on a military ship that sunk 😅 I set it to my aunt who always shares cat stuff with me
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FEKtjrQ1nsBBcPppXZ2RVXliTqAgRLPz0ehHFXkKidY/edit?usp=sharing
That should be the journal.
@Phoenix22k
I've tried with my computer from the office and the link doesn't even show.
I guess it's something they don't allow :(
@Turtleonmyledtarm
No worries! I'm still really appreciating this forum and our communication.
Thanks!
Accountability for Sunday, July 14th
I had my early morning run but kept it light and short since I wasn’t feeling 100%. It is an accomplishment for me because I would have normally pushed myself while today I listened to my body.
Had my regular breakfast (with the correct quantities indicated by my dietitian) - I didn’t restrict, as I would normally do.
About 1h after breakfast I was hungry and decided to snack on a pear as it was only 8 am and figured I would have ruined my entire morning if I didn’t. Moreover I was determined on listening to my body.
I also had my mid-morning snack and lunch, following the quantities in my diet. I didn’t restrict, which was particularly hard to do for me since I haven’t been eating those quantities for a long time.
In the afternoon I went to see my parents and brought them some ice cream and had some. It has been my first ice cream since forever and I am determined not to feel guilty about it.
I hope I can keep this trend for dinner too.
All in all, having fuelled my body today I feel better than the previous days - except for the fact I see myself as being fatter, but it is all in my head.
Really proud of you for listening to your body and allowing yourself the pear and ice cream! I'm sure it was even nicer being able to share in it with your parents.
Glad you are feeling better! There definitely is a connection between the foods we choose to eat and how we feel.
We are our toughest critics and it's easier.to pick out our own flaws and ignore the beautiful parts of ourselves. I'm sure that your pups, cat, and husband love you just the same despite what the scale may say.
Keep believing in yourself and appreciate the hard work you're doing!
Accountability 7/14
Yesterday... Was tough. Where the Spartan race was tough physically, there were several mental obstacles yesterday that were even harder.
The morning and all through lunch went well. I was so much more cheerful at church and around others having had 3 great days of eating and the success of the race. I took a nice walk outside, did lots of reading, laundry, cleaning, it was a pleasant day and my lunch was healthy. I had some temptations to keep eating but felt satisfied and just played some casual video games, read, and reached out to old friends.
Had some yogurt around 4, and then waves of "keep eating" thoughts came up. I day with them for awhile and took a little nap just trying to have them pass. While in that mode I thought of all the other things I could do besides eat.
What I noticed that helped the past few days was just getting up and being active. While I did want to focus on recovering, my day wasn't all that exciting so I chose to do a little mini cardio/stretching. Just 10 minutes. Wow, that really refocused me and I was able to the to back to other activities with a clear head.
Dinner came around 630 and I was feeling okay. But once I was finished with my main meal..... I had a second portion and I was already full. This opened the flood gates...
I had messed up, so why not, go get some ice cream and cookies! Is what my mind was telling me.... And I'm ashamed to say that I did. And then purged. That being said, it was actually a smaller session than what I've had, but it still just... Sucked.
I went to bed far later than I should have. Especially as I have a day of teaching summer school today and wanted to be well rested.
Upon waking I felt so ashamed and upset. And a bit tired. Fortunately, my saving grace all these years, is my AM workout. I did this still, and am now feeling much much better.
Still very ashamed and disappointed. I even wasn't going to share this but no, I need to let this out of me and share.
Aside from the shame, I feel rather motivated to get back on track. I've shown myself I can do it. And have strategies and support to help. I need to think of this as simply a failed obstacle and get back on course.
Teaching today at least will keep me occupied until this afternoon and give me a chance to connect. I'm just hopeful that my energy doesn't dive down too much.
Goals...
Have a nice rest of my morning and afternoon. Come home, rewind a bit, and enjoy a healthy dinner. Stop when I'm full and go for a walk if tempted.
Hoping you all have a great start to the week!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
I am sorry to read you fell off the wagon yesterday night.
But I love how you're determined to get back on track.
And please do not overlook the fact that you had a good streak of good days and also the earlier part of the day went very well.
So please see at each of these positive things and focus on those, instead of thinking about the "bad" part. Don't let a misstep take away your progress and joy for the positive things.
I think, all in all, you did a very good job.
It is impossible to go from binging and purging, to not do it at all.
It takes time, it takes making a step at a time, day by day.
And you might fall, but you'll get back up and keep improving.
What you must understand is that with your late night purge you didn't lose the entire race. It was just one obstacle, out of a long race. It happened during your spartan race too - an obstacle broke down and stopped you for a while, but you kept going. The same happened with your purging. You didn't do 10000 steps back in your growing path - just one, and today you're recovering already.
So kudos to you for recognizing the good path you're walking on, and for being positive about your progress.
I think you're doing GREAT and I am sure you'll be improving more and more.
By the way, I always forget to ask - you wrote you're a teacher, what do you teach?
🙂
Thank you so much. I love all the input and you're right. It's just one obstacle, and I did overcome several others. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I teared up a little bit, in a good way.
Patience.... Haha while I can be with some things, patience with myself is definitely a muscle I need to work out. One step, one moment at a time.
And everyone's "favorite".... Math! Mainly algebra 1 and 2 for the summer. During the regular year I've taught pre calc as well. This summer school is only 3 weeks so I'll have a few more full days of summer break before the regular year starts.
While it's nice having "off" the sense of a new routine is nice.
@Phoenix22k
Patience is a word I don't have in my vocabulary either 🤣
And maths is another thing I have never, ever, ever understood! 😇
I think we should start thinking about what happens to us, and especially talk to ourselves, as we would with a friend or someone else we value.
I think from now on I will start using you for my inner monologue.
If I am unable to reach my quantities and I start talking sh... to me, I will stop and say "what would I write if the same was happening to Phoenix?" "How would I see this if Phoenix was experiencing this?"
We are too harsh with ourselves and we don't see all the good we do.
And I see a lot of good things in what you do...
@Turtleonmyleftarm
That's a very good idea, to try and talk to ourselves like we would a friend.
I'm not sure if you're involved with a faith or not, but I started to when I pray alone say my prayers aloud. That little thing, speaking but not thinking, has helped a bit. Not saying I / you need to seem crazy talking to yourself haha but I think there's power in involving more of the senses.
Part of my journey is being "more" of the person I know I am. Everyone sees me on the outside as this fit, kind, helpful, and caring person, but they don't see the darkness. I feel like an imposter sometimes and want to be more authentic for myself and others.
I do not pray nor believe, but I think I get what you say.
I noticed that when I write down what bothers me or what I don’t understand (mainly because I need to have some notes on what happened for my next therapy session) I sometimes “solve” my problems by just having them laid out in a different way than simply on my mind.
I think saying something out loud, or writing it, changes our perception of the problem itself and allows us to understand it more and act better.
is this something you recognise?
Accountability for Monday, July 15th
I ate everything I was supposed to eat. I didn’t restrict, but I didn’t really listen to my hunger clues as I keep feeling bloated and cannot concentrate on anything different from my belly.
But - all in all - I’d say it was a good day
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Great job with your meals yesterday! That's an amazing win and take pride in that.
I'm hoping the bloating sensations lessen for you. From what I've read there are a lot of potential causes, and it might just be your body getting used to regularly eating too perhaps. I know sometimes going for a walk helps me.
Keep having faith in yourself, and patience! As we both need haha. Hoping you find success today!
@Turtleonmyleftarm, great job yesterday! I really understand the bloated feeling. Working through that shows real determination and discipline.
@enigmaticOcean8813 @Phoenix22k
Thank you for your support!
Yeah, I read it's something quite common, but I still cannot shake the feeling my body is "flawed" and I will gain more fat than everyone else especially in my belly.
But I'm determined to give it a try for a few days and see where it will go...
@Turtleonmyleftarm, I'm experiencing the bloated feeling myself. I hope that passes with time, no?
@enigmaticOcean8813
My psychologist (specialized in ED) says it will.
I have no idea...
I also have to admit I tend to eat lots of vegetables since they help me feel full and don't have many calories, and I know vegetables cause bloatings.
But I am not ready to let vegetables go, in favour of other foods. I know it's like a dog chasing its own tail...
@Turtleonmyleftarm, I am the same. I eat a lot of veggies (been vegetarian) for many years and it drives my wife up a wall that I don't eat cookies or other sweets.
Same!!! Not 100% vegetarian yet but almost.
Sweets are banned from my diet too, but actually I always had a sweet tooth so part of me misses them, I just don’t feel confident enough to eat them yet even if recently I tried a small portion of ice cream - but the guilt that came after it wasn’t worth the taste
Looks like we all love our veggies! That's a large portion of my diet too along with lean proteins.
I noticed for me that as I get more consistent with my diet my body is able to process them better so not as much bloat.
And don't feel alone with sweets. I... Just can't. I know that once I start I can't stop. I battle for a while thinking oh I'll never be able to enjoy that, but I need to work on adopting the mindset of it will make me happier and healthier in the long run.
It's just rough always getting the glares from other people when you have to put them down. They think I have such strong self-will but truth is I'm powerless once I start.
Accountability 7/15
Although I woke up and felt bad after slipping, the rest of the day turned out really well.
All my meals were "good" and I kept them down. When I got home from work I had some yogurt as a snack and when dinner came around I was able to eat until satisfied and not stuffed.
Went to bed at a much better time and am feeling much better about myself today.
One day at a time ( and one meal at a time)
@Phoenix22k, what a great report! Your last line is so great for us to remember - one day at a time, one meal at a time. Keep up the good work!
Thank you!!
How has your journey been going?
Accountability entry for Tuesday, July 16th
I ate the quantities indicated by my dietician.
I went to the gym and I think I had a little bit more energy than usual. I am not sure this was really “real” or if I convinced myself I had more energy since I have been constantly eating more in the last 4 days. But either it was my body or my mind, I’ll take this positive thing and go with it.
I also removed my social media apps as I realised they were just harming me (I was using them to check recipes I never do as I think they’re too high in calories and so get frustrated. Or I see people with bodies I am convinced I will never be able to compare with, and get even more frustrated). So I just cancelled them.
@Turtleonmyleftarm, this sounds really great! Hats off to you for 4 days of progress.
Awesome work turtle!
Your energy could been well be from having a more consistent diet. It likely is a combo of both, better fueled body and a better fueled mind!
Comparison is the thief of joy... I heard that quote a while ago and it is certainly the case. Especially with all the Photoshopping and "advice" that is out there.
I hope you continue to feel motivated and better each day!
Accountability 7/16
Had another good day! Having school during the day definitely helps occupy me in a healthy way and has kept my lunch and time after largely temptation free.
As usual, I have quite a dip in energy afterwards. But I'm learning to listen to my body and just take a nap or relax in the afternoon. Part of it could also be withdrawal from the binges. But I've managed to stay strong.
Just finished up a nice dinner and am going to rewind with some Netflix and head to bed a little earlier as perhaps that will help me have more energy in the afternoon.
@Phoenix22k
Good to read you had another good day, and that you're learning to listen to your body.
I am really proud of you for this!
The fact you're having less energy in the afternoon I think could be quite normal, since you train in the morning and have quite a busy morning too with school. But you're doing an amazing job learning how to cope with it, and relaxing/unwinding with a little netflix and chill instead of using other coping mechanisms that will only make you more tired after.
So kudos to you!!!!
What did you see on Netflix? Anything good you wish to share with us? :)
@turtleonmyleftarm
Thanks! I do know that my energy dip is cause I get up early and then am on my feet. But it's almost like I feel guilty for getting tired and not doing anything. But I'm getting better at giving myself time to relax and not feeling bad.
Thanks for the encouragement!
I watch all kinds of things! I was in the mood for an action movie though and found the equalizer 3. I enjoy a lot of the action, superhero, sci Fi series though.
