Accountability thread 9/16 - 9/22
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the safe space where @Phoenix22k @enigmaticOcean8813 @orangeSpruce9113 and I share our journey together to overcome eating disorders.
Everyone is welcome to join and share their stories and thoughts.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love
Thursday 19/9
I haven't binged for two days which is a win. But I am worried that I'm falling into restricting again. I feel like I'm on a tightrope and if I fall one way I binge, but when I try too hard to not binge, I fall off the other side and end up restricting. I wish I remembered what a normal relationship with food felt like.
But I do feel like I'm taking steps forwards at the moment. I've recently moved house and now live alone (minus the bunnies) and so working hard to hold myself accountable when I have no one else to hold me accountable. That's why I'm so appreciative of the support on here.
@ClaraRoseDreamer
I totally feel you. Just know that you will get there. Just a few weeks ago I was in the same boat as you and now I feel better than I have in almost 5 months. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be “perfect” and try not to put a lot of energy/thought into what you’re eating because I know for me it made things feel a lot more intense. Once I started pulling my energy out of what foods to eat/how much and put it into other activities I started to feel a lot better Obviously its easier said than done but keep trying!
@orangeSpruce9113
Thank you so much, that's so kind of you to say. Reading your message made me realise how much energy and time I spend thinking about food which actually makes me feel a bit sad. I like the idea of channeling that energy into other activities! What activities/hobbies do you enjoy doing and find help? If you don't mind me asking
@ClaraRoseDreamer
Hi ClaraRose,
two days binge-free is definitely a win!
I totally understand how you feel, though—it can be so tough to find that balance between not binging and avoiding restriction. It's like you're walking a fine line, but just recognizing that you’re aware of both sides is a huge step forward in itself. You’re not alone in wishing for a more “normal” relationship with food, but it’s okay to acknowledge that progress looks different for everyone.
Moving to a new place and living alone can definitely be a challenge, but the fact that you’re working hard to hold yourself accountable is such a positive sign. You’re doing an amazing job at staying aware and mindful, and we’re all here to support you through it!
Living alone can be challenging because when you're not eating with someone else, you might be tempted to skip regular meal times, which can lead to getting too hungry and then overeating at the next meal. Or, when you're cooking just for yourself, you might throw together a quick, less interesting dish (just throwing two ingredients on a plate without preparing a meal with care like you would for a loved one), and this can result in an unsatisfying meal that leads to overeating to compensate. How are you managing your main meals in this early stage of living alone? Do you do meal prep? Are you able to prepare satisfying meals (in terms of taste, presentation, and nutrition) to avoid falling into the trap of binge eating?
Sending you strength and love! And please give an ear scratch to your lovely bunnies for me!
I had never thought of rabbits as a recovery tool as they mean you have to keep fresh vegetables in your fridge 😂 (joking!)
Another way pets are amazing ❤️
@TurtleonmyleftarmT
They are amazing! Do you have any pets? If you don't mind me asking ☺️
@ClaraRoseDreamer
Congrats on two great days Clara! Know that I relate to how you feel and like I/we are only just surviving each day. It does get a little easier with time and successful days, but the thoughts are there. Having some "wins" under your belt though are great motivators. Day by day, hour by hour.
I am a very independent person. After college I loved the idea of being on my own. I still do, but It definitely has its challenges especially with an ED. I find boredom a huge trigger of mine so just try and keep myself occupied. But at the same time I like to relax... so It is almost like I have to tell myself "it is okay to relax and it being quiet".
Congrats on moving out on your own! It is intimidating but I hope you find the peace a time of reflection and relaxation.
@Phoenix22k
Thank you! I do like having my own space and time but as you say, it does have its challenges. Like you, I also keep myself busy, but it's so important to take the time to de-stress and chill. I hope you (and Fenix 🐱) have an amazing day today!
Hi guys! Today was another good day binge free although I did snack a little after dinner cause I was still hungry but definitely not a binge. I’m going backpacking this weekend so I won’t be able to post until Sunday. I hope you all have great weekends!
@orangeSpruce9113
Hi Orange,
A "normal" evening snack is an amazing achievement! I love seeing how you're finding balance, recognizing the feeling of hunger and honoring it in the right way—eating what you feel like eating and stopping when you're satisfied.
I hope you have an absolute blast on your backpacking adventure! We can’t wait to hear all about it!
@orangeSpruce9113
Yay, well done! Noticing when you are still hungry and being able to snack but not let it turn into a binge is amazing! I know how difficult it is to notice (and listen to) what hunger cues tell us. You're doing so well ☺️ and backpacking sounds amazing! I love a hike :) have a wonderful time!
@orangeSpruce9113
Awesome job Orange! I have to say I'm a bit envious of how quickly you have strung together some amazing days so quickly! You are motivating me :)
Backpacking sounds great! I hope the weather is nice and you have an enjoyable trip. We are looking forward to hearing about it!
Hi everyone,
Here I am, as promised, to tell you about yesterday – Thursday the 19th. Since this will be a long post, I won’t bore you with all the “I did, I saw, I went” details. Instead, I’ll just focus on the key points.
Follow-up appointment with the dietitian – AKA the big anxiety of the day.
When I walked into the office, surprise! I found someone different waiting for me compared to last time. Since it’s a hospital with a specialized center for eating disorder treatment, I knew there could be different doctors (except for the psychologist, who is assigned to you and follows your whole journey). But I hadn’t really thought about it, so it was an unexpected surprise.
The new dietitian was a very kind and friendly woman—down-to-earth and understanding. She listened without judgment and even lightened the mood when discussing difficult topics with some jokes. She took a very empathetic approach, saying things like, “It must be so hard to live your whole life with this voice that makes you feel guilty.” She tried to make me realize that fluctuations in macronutrients and quantities are, in reality, insignificant. She also gave me an assignment: to make a list of foods I eat without any issues and those I avoid or struggle with. Little by little, perhaps one item a week, I should try to move them from the difficult list to the easy one, or find small ways to introduce them gradually. This way, I can start to understand that nothing bad will happen if I eat them.
I have another follow-up appointment in about a month, and when I scheduled it, I made sure it would be with her again, not the previous doctor. Let’s just say that after this visit, I’m feeling a bit more optimistic, although last night, while preparing dinner, I still struggled with using all the fats and carbs. I wanted to. I was there, holding the oil dispenser over my plate, staring at the numbers on the scale, but I couldn’t convince myself to increase it. But it was better than the previous days, for sure, and I hope it keeps improving.
Psychiatrist appointment.
I might not have mentioned this one because I wasn’t too worried about it. It was the last mandatory evaluation session at the eating disorder treatment center. They don’t do it because they think you’re crazy; it’s just part of the complete “package,” especially for those who may need pharmacological help. It was actually very similar to a session with my psychologist. She asked a lot of questions and, like a sniper, pinpointed in just one hour what she believes are my main issues.
The first is low self-esteem and the tendency to blame myself for everything. The second is that I hide my suffering and problems, not opening up to anyone—not even my husband—or having someone with whom I can share my vulnerabilities. She told me I have a long and painful road ahead of me, and I need to be ready to face it and commit to it. But for now, I just have to continue with the psychologist and dietitian and I will not take any medication (luckily). Still, it was a very insightful session, and indirectly, it made me realize that perhaps I took a small step forward (without even being aware of it) right before I walked into her office.
Personal trainer.
At noon, I went to the gym, and before starting, while it was just me and my trainer, I told him, “You should have told me the other day that you increased the weight on the bench press. A (my husband) told me it was 30 kg.” He burst out laughing, making jokes about how A snitched and how he would make him pay during his next workout.
Between the playful tone, my struggle to express my feelings, and the fact that other people had arrived at the gym, I didn’t explain to my PT why I really wanted to know. But he kept joking about A being a snitch throughout the session. Don’t get me wrong, it was all lighthearted, funny banter, and I kept defending A, saying, “Nooo, it’s my fault, I told him to investigate.”
I left the gym without saying anything more, but I kept thinking about you, Phoenix, and how you said it was important for me to talk to him. So, as soon as I got home, I pulled out my phone and sent him a message. The message was 99% sincere and heartfelt, though there was a 1% where I lied a bit—I said I was upset because I had been eating more and still felt weak, when in reality, I’ve been eating less. I was afraid the message wouldn’t make sense without that little fib.
Here’s the conversation:
Me:
“Sorry for texting you, but I didn’t manage to explain why I had A play detective for me earlier. You know I really appreciate everything you do for me, and that you have more faith in my abilities than I do. I understand that your ‘white lie’ about the weight was to stop me from saying in advance that I couldn’t do it. But I kindly ask, with all my heart, that you tell me about these little lies after the workout.
I’ve been going through a rough patch and, in the last few days, I’ve been trying to reach the amounts recommended by the dietitian again. When I struggled so much during the workout, I felt like everything was pointless. What’s the point of forcing myself to eat more if the only result is performing worse and feeling weaker? Now I know that wasn’t the case, and I feel more at peace. But that’s why I had A ask you about the weights. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have cared at all! It was all my fault and my paranoia. I just wanted to explain this because I felt bad that A looked like a snitch when really, it was all me. I trust you completely and you know you can make me do whatever you think is right. I only ask that you let me in on any changes (after the workout is fine) so I can evaluate other factors too. Thanks a lot, and sorry again for the bother!”
Him:
“Sorry I made you feel off, but I didn’t mean to, and you got why I told that white lie. Don’t worry about A, I like to mess around sometimes. Anyway, you were right to tell me—next time, I’ll be honest.”
Me:
“No worries, you don’t need to feel bad. It’s me who should apologize for being so difficult to deal with sometimes. Thanks for understanding.”
I then sent him a meme that said, “Who loves you follows you,” with Cinderella’s stepmother and her two stepsisters walking in the same direction. “Me” was written over the stepmother, “Paranoia” over one sister, and “Anxiety” over the other. We both had a good laugh, and that was that.
As you can see, I focused a lot on the fact that I didn’t want A to look bad. But it helped me communicate (even if a little indirectly) what I really wanted to say.
I have a lot of trouble talking about my feelings and opening up, just as the psychiatrist pointed out. Something like this, with my PT, is something I’ve never done. I can’t even do it with my husband. My husband doesn’t know that I was dying to know the weight on the bar because I was afraid I’d restricted my diet too much and was “ruining” myself. So, the fact that I pushed myself to write a message like that (basically putting my feelings and problem in writing) is incredible and unexpected, and in some way, I think it’s the step forward the psychiatrist wanted me to take.
I think I’ve bored you enough for today!
Now, I’ll get back to work, and later I’ll read and respond to all your posts.
Sending you a hug!
Hi @Turtleonmyleftarm
I'm sorry they switched your dietician without letting you know but I'm so glad to hear that she was nice. It sounds like she has a lot of empathy and kindness which you deserve to have in abundance. Creating those foods lists sounds like such a powerful thing for you to do! I was going to say I'd be too scared to try that but knowing that you are going to, maybe I could focus on moving one of my fear foods across to a 'can eat' list as well. We can be held accountable together!
I'm sorry you struggle with low self esteem, in the short amount of time I've chatted with you, I can tell that you are a wonderful and kind person. Hopefully one day you will be able to see that too!
And ohh no! The weight situation would have freaked me out as well! I'm so proud of you for talking to your personal trainer and opening up like that. It will mean you don't have to go through that again. And now you know that the world doesn't implode when you express what you need or show an emotion!
Also, it is not boring at all to read what you have written! It's great to hear the steps you take forwards, but also to feel less alone on the difficulties and uphill climb we are facing.
Not boring at all! It's great to hear you taking steps forwards and makes me feel like I can too.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
I'm so relieved to hear how "well" everything seemed to go yesterday! I hope that has been a big weight lifted off of your shoulders.
It is nice to hear that you got a nutritionist/dietician who you are more comfortable with. That may help you be more open to her and her suggestions. I like the idea of writing down your "challenging" foods and learning to incorporate them into your diet. The nutritionist I saw a while ago had a similar exercise for me. Thinking of it now, it reminds me of how perhaps people overcome phobias, or exposure therapy perhaps.
Sounds like a positive visit with the psychologist as well. Once again are similarities arise. I definitely still struggle with self-esteem, and have no-one "close" to share things with. While of course 7 cups helps, I do think having a physical connection or deep friendship/relationship would be helpful. But it does terrify me thinking about unloading everything on someone... We all have a long road ahead, and I actually appreciate the fact that they told you this. No "BS" so to speak. But, we do KNOW what we need to do.
Know that I'm here on the road with you! But in the US so we might be driving in opposite lanes. Do they drive on the left in Italy? Haha.
I'm also really proud of your conversation with your PT and hope I didn't get you into trouble! But I think it was fair. You showed tremendous strength there, not only physically, but advocating for yourself.
Awesome turtle! I hope this motivation helps you through the weekend!
Friday 20/09
I felt brave and ate a cupcake today without binging. But now my restrictive head is telling me that it was too much and that I should now over exercise. I think I'm going to read a book and take a bath and try to quieten that voice a little.
I think what's making it worse for me is that my sister's wedding is in December and I have a bridesmaids dress fitting in two weeks time. The silly thing is that I know that eating that cupcake won't change how I look in the dress but some days it's hard to turn the irrational voice off.
But overall today was a win. Three days without a binge now and slowly working on not restricting. Sending hugs to you all!
@ClaraRoseDreamer
Amazing Clara! A huge win indeed! I think that the courage/strength you had to enjoy a cupcake is a HUGE victory. While yes you feel some guilt, you are making appropriate decisions to accept it and live with it.
While I'm a guy and can't quite relate to the stress of wearing a dress and the upcoming wedding, I can understand how you want to look great as well at that time. It is quite a while until December so the cupcake will not mean much by then at all.
Keep making these small steps. Allow yourself some of the treats, and know that your body/mind will thank you in the end when you start eating more.
Friday 9/20
Restful night, good workout, good day at school! But super glad to have the weekend and some days off.
Came home right after work and was looking forward to sitting outside and reading a few chapters. Checking up with everyone here and planning to have dinner around 6:00. ED brain has been acting up a bit after dinner again. That "lull" between eating and then bed time. It is almost like eating itself is a trigger. I think in some ways my brain is just acting on instinct and afraid that I may purge. So in a sense when I eat is is thinking "this may be our last meal" type of thing.
I'm thinking just more consistent dinners and days will help rewire this. Help my body to recognize that I'm eating to fuel it, and won't just purge it up. I just need to build up that trust again so my mind can be at east.
At least those are my thoughts on the reasoning. So here's to a hopefully delicious dinner and rest of a relaxing afternoon!
Saturday 9/21
Today was really pleasant. One of those days when I'm happy to be a bachelor, no kiddos, and have time to relax!
Slept well and had a great full body workout and 5k run in the AM. Prepped my breakfast/lunch for the week and then went to a cafe to catch up on some reading. Did some shopping, ED brain usually likes to kick in at the grocery stores, but I went in, got a few things, and left. Lunch came and then took a little mini nap. I wasn't particularly tired, but it was nice.
Evening came as did dinner then I watched another episode of Rings of Power. Afterwards it was about 8:30 and I knew that if I went to bed at this point I'd feel great in the morning. ED brain did kick in though.. telling me it was the weekend, to go out and binge/purge. I had a little dialog in my head "I want to feel great tomorrow morning, and that I don't need to do this". Something along those lines, and to my surprise, ED brain just... shut off for a time. I just went to sleep feeling slightly victorious.
As I write now its Sunday and I am so pleased with my choice. I feel good, well rested, and ready for the day. Just finished my Sunday routine.
Today marks the start of "fall" , at least in the states, and a new season. I'm hoping to make this not only a new season of weather, but a new season in my life. It would be amazing to have these next days be binge/purge free. It is a huge endeavor, as it has been years since I have gone 30+ days being binge/purge free. But, I feel motivated.
Hoping this feeling maintains through the day and I'll check in later with how the first start to this new season goes!
@Phoenix22k
That's amazing! Go you! You should absolutely feel victorious 😀
And good job with that workout and run! I aspire to be strong enough to do that sort of thing one day.
I absolutely understand enjoying being child free and having your own space and time. I work with kids and it's so nice to have some quiet restful time to myself after work!
I love Autumn! and Fall sounds like so much more exciting in the states. I'm in the UK and up until recently fall hasn't really been something people discuss. But I've started seeing more pumpkin decorations popping up in shops which is exciting 😂
I hope you continue to have your victories and feel amazing about them!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
Wow, sounds like you had an amazing and productive day—so glad you got to enjoy
some “me time”! It’s awesome that you pushed through those tough moments with
ED brain, especially at the grocery store and later in the evening. That
internal dialogue you had was so powerful. I’m really proud of you for choosing
what’s best for yourself and waking up feeling victorious!
Also, I love that you're looking at this new season as a fresh start. You've already shown so much strength, and I have no doubt you can make these next days binge/purge free. I'm here rooting for you, and I believe in you!
As ClaraRose wrote, I too love the fall season and I am a little bit envious you get to enjoy it in the US! With Halloween coming up, all the pumpkin decorations… We don’t have that here in Italy (not as much)
Saturday and Sunday 21-22
It has been a difficult couple of days for my ED. Back to day 0 unfortunately 😞 Saturday went okay until the evening and I binged and then today I have really restricted because of it. I went to the supermarket today which was hard as well and ended up buying really low calorie foods that my restrictive brain wanted. But I'm going to try to eat dinner in a moment and will call that a win I guess. I don't even know why this weekend has been so difficult. I think maybe I just feel overwhelmed. I'm starting a new job soon and my ex keeps trying to rely on me emotionally (and I let him because he doesn't have a good support network himself) so it all just became too much and I used my ED as a coping mechanism (a terrible one).
But to stay positive, I guess I'll work on going up from here. Tomorrow is a new day. Apologies for the downer if you have read this, I'm working on being more positive.
@ClaraRoseDreamer
Hi Clara,
You are doing a great job at staying positive! Never feel like you are "bringing us down", I/we are here for you in the ups and downs. What I find nice about 7 cups is being able to freely share those downs with someone.
I'm proud of you for at least getting back on your feet and hopefully having dinner. Continuing to restrict yourself further may make your body want to binge more so that it can simply get calories in. You need food/calories to be at your best!
It does sound like you have had quite an emotional last few days. Food tends to trigger endorphins which help us feel better in the moment. It is really nice of you to still be there for your ex. Just remember that your health is also important!
You are really self aware, know you made a mistake, and are actively working towards making it right. I'm proud of you and love your attitude, tomorrow is a new day for sure!
Never give up!
@ClaraRoseDreamer
Hey Clara, I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had a tough couple of days!
But I just want to remind you that setbacks happen, and they don’t define your progress. It’s brave of you to share this, and I’m proud of you for trying to focus on the positives, like planning to have dinner. That definitely counts as a win.
It makes total sense that with the new job starting, your new life living on your own, and your ex leaning on you, it could feel overwhelming. You’ve got a lot on your plate right now, and it’s okay to feel that way. But I believe in your strength to get through this. Tomorrow is a fresh start, and you’ve already shown so much resilience.
Please don’t apologize for sharing this—it’s important, and I’m always here to listen. You’re not alone in this, and I’m rooting for you!
Hi everyone,
Sorry for disappearing this weekend, but it was a bit hectic. As you know, I tend to be more active when I can read and reply from my work computer rather than from my phone...
However, I’ve read everything you wrote, and I believe I’ve managed to respond to everything. I hope I didn’t miss anything!
After Thursday’s events (the various appointments, my messages with the PT), I had a quiet Friday, trying to eat in preparation for what was coming on Sunday. I "forced" myself not to go running on Friday or Saturday, partly because I felt a bit sore from my recent workouts, and partly to recover and build up energy for the weekend. I don’t remember exactly what or how much I ate, but I think I can say I stuck to about 90% of what my meal plan requires. I remember at one point thinking I should aim for 100%, but even if I did that for one meal (like lunch), I would end up holding back a bit during dinner... So overall, I’d say I maintained a solid 90%.
On Saturday, my friend got married. I had already come up with an excuse to only attend the ceremony and skip the dinner. When we arrived at her house before the ceremony, her parents had organized a small buffet for the friends who were waiting with her and accompanying her. I declined the food they offered, but once I got home, I ate my "proper" lunch—so all good there.
On Sunday, I had a slightly bigger breakfast than my meal plan calls for: 45 grams of oats instead of 40, 200 grams of Greek yogurt instead of 180, plus a piece of fruit and 10 grams of nuts. This was because we went for a longer than usual run/hike in the mountains with a lot of elevation gain. In the end, I did 17.5 km, alternating between running and walking, and I even ran the last 3 km. I didn’t think I’d have the energy to do it, so I was pleasantly surprised! Also, at the three refreshment stops along the route, instead of just drinking water like I usually do, I had a glass of tea. I never do that because it’s sweetened, and in my mind, that’s extra and unnecessary calories, but my husband had suggested I try it to help fuel the effort, and I think it actually did help.
So far, so good! I did more physical activity than usual, and my body responded better than I expected. But my mind? Well, that’s harder to “train” than my body.
Part of the race entry fee included lunch, and when we went to pick it up, I found out it was a tray with a (large) portion of pasta, a piece of bread, and a yogurt. My brain immediately went into overdrive: Where are the vegetables? And the protein? The yogurt is a fruit-flavoured yogurt, full of sugar! The pasta and bread are all carbs, too many carbs! And who knows what kind of sauce they used, how much fat is in it?
So, imagine me sitting at the table with my husband and our friends, all happily enjoying their well-deserved meal after so many kilometers, and me, eating tiny bites of pasta, trying to stretch it out so my husband would finish his portion first, all the while making it look like I was eating but without actually eating too much. In the end, I probably ate about 20% of the pasta, then passed the plate to my husband to finish for me. The bread, of course, I didn’t even touch it. But I did eat the yogurt, knowing that at least it had some protein (and for me, yogurt, even though this one had fruit and sugars, is still a "safe food"). My husband tried to get me to eat a bit more, but didn’t push too hard because we were surrounded by other people, and he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. Thank goodness!
When we got home in the afternoon, I had my snack as planned and then had dinner, increasing the protein a bit and cutting back slightly on the carbs... But I felt ok.
And today, it's back to routine!
I want to try to stick to the quantities in my meal plan, keeping up with my usual 90% but also aiming to reach 100%.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Sounds like you had a nice weekend turtle! I'm really proud of you for sticking to your decisions at the wedding/ceremony and after your run with the pasta. From my perspective I would recognize these as "trigger" situations and while you did not indulge with the "normal" people you did yourself a favor, stuck to what you trusted yourself with, and it seems like it went okay.
I know it is challenging to be in situations involving food, especially when it is "free" or paid for. Part of you/I wants to indulge, but we also have our own goals and minds to overcome. I don't think anyone thinks less of you for your decision, and in the end it is your choice and you have to do what you are comfortable with.
You have been doing great reaching those 90% marks! And the energy/endurance you noticed during your run hopefully are more evidence for you that you are progressing. Maybe just aim for 95%, not 100 and it will be less daunting :)
Either way, you rock and thanks for starting the new week!
Hi everyone,
Here's the new thread for the new week:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/eds/General_2454/Accountabilitythread923929_337166/
See you there 🤗