Accountability thread 9/16 - 9/22

Thursday 19/9

I haven't binged for two days which is a win. But I am worried that I'm falling into restricting again. I feel like I'm on a tightrope and if I fall one way I binge, but when I try too hard to not binge, I fall off the other side and end up restricting. I wish I remembered what a normal relationship with food felt like. 

But I do feel like I'm taking steps forwards at the moment. I've recently moved house and now live alone (minus the bunnies) and so working hard to hold myself accountable when I have no one else to hold me accountable. That's why I'm so appreciative of the support on here. 

Hi guys! Today was another good day binge free although I did snack a little after dinner cause I was still hungry but definitely not a binge. I’m going backpacking this weekend so I won’t be able to post until Sunday. I hope you all have great weekends!

Hi everyone,

Here I am, as promised, to tell you about yesterday – Thursday the 19th. Since this will be a long post, I won’t bore you with all the “I did, I saw, I went” details. Instead, I’ll just focus on the key points.

Follow-up appointment with the dietitian – AKA the big anxiety of the day.
When I walked into the office, surprise! I found someone different waiting for me compared to last time. Since it’s a hospital with a specialized center for eating disorder treatment, I knew there could be different doctors (except for the psychologist, who is assigned to you and follows your whole journey). But I hadn’t really thought about it, so it was an unexpected surprise.

The new dietitian was a very kind and friendly woman—down-to-earth and understanding. She listened without judgment and even lightened the mood when discussing difficult topics with some jokes. She took a very empathetic approach, saying things like, “It must be so hard to live your whole life with this voice that makes you feel guilty.” She tried to make me realize that fluctuations in macronutrients and quantities are, in reality, insignificant. She also gave me an assignment: to make a list of foods I eat without any issues and those I avoid or struggle with. Little by little, perhaps one item a week, I should try to move them from the difficult list to the easy one, or find small ways to introduce them gradually. This way, I can start to understand that nothing bad will happen if I eat them.

I have another follow-up appointment in about a month, and when I scheduled it, I made sure it would be with her again, not the previous doctor. Let’s just say that after this visit, I’m feeling a bit more optimistic, although last night, while preparing dinner, I still struggled with using all the fats and carbs. I wanted to. I was there, holding the oil dispenser over my plate, staring at the numbers on the scale, but I couldn’t convince myself to increase it. But it was better than the previous days, for sure, and I hope it keeps improving.

Psychiatrist appointment.
I might not have mentioned this one because I wasn’t too worried about it. It was the last mandatory evaluation session at the eating disorder treatment center. They don’t do it because they think you’re crazy; it’s just part of the complete “package,” especially for those who may need pharmacological help. It was actually very similar to a session with my psychologist. She asked a lot of questions and, like a sniper, pinpointed in just one hour what she believes are my main issues.

The first is low self-esteem and the tendency to blame myself for everything. The second is that I hide my suffering and problems, not opening up to anyone—not even my husband—or having someone with whom I can share my vulnerabilities. She told me I have a long and painful road ahead of me, and I need to be ready to face it and commit to it. But for now, I just have to continue with the psychologist and dietitian and I will not take any medication (luckily). Still, it was a very insightful session, and indirectly, it made me realize that perhaps I took a small step forward (without even being aware of it) right before I walked into her office.

Personal trainer.
At noon, I went to the gym, and before starting, while it was just me and my trainer, I told him, “You should have told me the other day that you increased the weight on the bench press. A (my husband) told me it was 30 kg.” He burst out laughing, making jokes about how A snitched and how he would make him pay during his next workout.

Between the playful tone, my struggle to express my feelings, and the fact that other people had arrived at the gym, I didn’t explain to my PT why I really wanted to know. But he kept joking about A being a snitch throughout the session. Don’t get me wrong, it was all lighthearted, funny banter, and I kept defending A, saying, “Nooo, it’s my fault, I told him to investigate.”

I left the gym without saying anything more, but I kept thinking about you, Phoenix, and how you said it was important for me to talk to him. So, as soon as I got home, I pulled out my phone and sent him a message. The message was 99% sincere and heartfelt, though there was a 1% where I lied a bit—I said I was upset because I had been eating more and still felt weak, when in reality, I’ve been eating less. I was afraid the message wouldn’t make sense without that little fib.

Here’s the conversation:

Me:
“Sorry for texting you, but I didn’t manage to explain why I had A play detective for me earlier. You know I really appreciate everything you do for me, and that you have more faith in my abilities than I do. I understand that your ‘white lie’ about the weight was to stop me from saying in advance that I couldn’t do it. But I kindly ask, with all my heart, that you tell me about these little lies after the workout.

I’ve been going through a rough patch and, in the last few days, I’ve been trying to reach the amounts recommended by the dietitian again. When I struggled so much during the workout, I felt like everything was pointless. What’s the point of forcing myself to eat more if the only result is performing worse and feeling weaker? Now I know that wasn’t the case, and I feel more at peace. But that’s why I had A ask you about the weights. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have cared at all! It was all my fault and my paranoia. I just wanted to explain this because I felt bad that A looked like a snitch when really, it was all me. I trust you completely and you know you can make me do whatever you think is right. I only ask that you let me in on any changes (after the workout is fine) so I can evaluate other factors too. Thanks a lot, and sorry again for the bother!”

Him:
“Sorry I made you feel off, but I didn’t mean to, and you got why I told that white lie. Don’t worry about A, I like to mess around sometimes. Anyway, you were right to tell me—next time, I’ll be honest.”

Me:
“No worries, you don’t need to feel bad. It’s me who should apologize for being so difficult to deal with sometimes. Thanks for understanding.”

I then sent him a meme that said, “Who loves you follows you,” with Cinderella’s stepmother and her two stepsisters walking in the same direction. “Me” was written over the stepmother, “Paranoia” over one sister, and “Anxiety” over the other. We both had a good laugh, and that was that.

As you can see, I focused a lot on the fact that I didn’t want A to look bad. But it helped me communicate (even if a little indirectly) what I really wanted to say.

I have a lot of trouble talking about my feelings and opening up, just as the psychiatrist pointed out. Something like this, with my PT, is something I’ve never done. I can’t even do it with my husband. My husband doesn’t know that I was dying to know the weight on the bar because I was afraid I’d restricted my diet too much and was “ruining” myself. So, the fact that I pushed myself to write a message like that (basically putting my feelings and problem in writing) is incredible and unexpected, and in some way, I think it’s the step forward the psychiatrist wanted me to take.

I think I’ve bored you enough for today!
Now, I’ll get back to work, and later I’ll read and respond to all your posts.
Sending you a hug!

Friday 20/09

I felt brave and ate a cupcake today without binging. But now my restrictive head is telling me that it was too much and that I should now over exercise. I think I'm going to read a book and take a bath and try to quieten that voice a little. 

I think what's making it worse for me is that my sister's wedding is in December and I have a bridesmaids dress fitting in two weeks time.  The silly thing is that I know that eating that cupcake won't change how I look in the dress but some days it's hard to turn the irrational voice off. 

But overall today was a win. Three days without a binge now and slowly working on not restricting. Sending hugs to you all!

Friday 9/20

Restful night, good workout, good day at school! But super glad to have the weekend and some days off. 

Came home right after work and was looking forward to sitting outside and reading a few chapters. Checking up with everyone here and planning to have dinner around 6:00. ED brain has been acting up a bit after dinner again. That "lull" between eating and then bed time. It is almost like eating itself is a trigger. I think in some ways my brain is just acting on instinct and afraid that I may purge. So in a sense when I eat is is thinking "this may be our last meal" type of thing.

I'm thinking just more consistent dinners and days will help rewire this. Help my body to recognize that I'm eating to fuel it, and won't just purge it up. I just need to build up that trust again so my mind can be at east.

At least those are my thoughts on the reasoning. So here's to a hopefully delicious dinner and rest of a relaxing afternoon!

Saturday 9/21

Today was really pleasant. One of those days when I'm happy to be a bachelor, no kiddos, and have time to relax!

Slept well and had a great full body workout and 5k run in the AM. Prepped my breakfast/lunch for the week and then went to a cafe to catch up on some reading. Did some shopping, ED brain usually likes to kick in at the grocery stores, but I went in, got a few things, and left. Lunch came and then took a little mini nap. I wasn't particularly tired, but it was nice.

Evening came as did dinner then I watched another episode of Rings of Power. Afterwards it was about 8:30 and I knew that if I went to bed at this point I'd feel great in the morning. ED brain did kick in though.. telling me it was the weekend, to go out and binge/purge. I had a little dialog in my head "I want to feel great tomorrow morning, and that I don't need to do this". Something along those lines, and to my surprise, ED brain just... shut off for a time. I just went to sleep feeling slightly victorious.

As I write now its Sunday and I am so pleased with my choice. I feel good, well rested, and ready for the day. Just finished my Sunday routine.

Today marks the start of "fall" , at least in the states, and a new season. I'm hoping to make this not only a new season of weather, but a new season in my life. It would be amazing to have these next days be binge/purge free. It is a huge endeavor, as it has been years since I have gone 30+ days being binge/purge free. But, I feel motivated. 

Hoping this feeling maintains through the day and I'll check in later with how the first start to this new season goes!

Saturday and Sunday 21-22

It has been a difficult couple of days for my ED. Back to day 0 unfortunately 😞 Saturday went okay until the evening and I binged and then today I have really restricted because of it. I went to the supermarket today which was hard as well and ended up buying really low calorie foods that my restrictive brain wanted. But I'm going to try to eat dinner in a moment and will call that a win I guess. I don't even know why this weekend has been so difficult. I think maybe I just feel overwhelmed. I'm starting a new job soon and my ex keeps trying to rely on me emotionally (and I let him because he doesn't have a good support network himself) so it all just became too much and I used my ED as a coping mechanism (a terrible one). 

But to stay positive, I guess I'll work on going up from here. Tomorrow is a new day. Apologies for the downer if you have read this, I'm working on being more positive. 

Hi everyone,
Sorry for disappearing this weekend, but it was a bit hectic. As you know, I tend to be more active when I can read and reply from my work computer rather than from my phone...

However, I’ve read everything you wrote, and I believe I’ve managed to respond to everything. I hope I didn’t miss anything!

After Thursday’s events (the various appointments, my messages with the PT), I had a quiet Friday, trying to eat in preparation for what was coming on Sunday. I "forced" myself not to go running on Friday or Saturday, partly because I felt a bit sore from my recent workouts, and partly to recover and build up energy for the weekend. I don’t remember exactly what or how much I ate, but I think I can say I stuck to about 90% of what my meal plan requires. I remember at one point thinking I should aim for 100%, but even if I did that for one meal (like lunch), I would end up holding back a bit during dinner... So overall, I’d say I maintained a solid 90%.

On Saturday, my friend got married. I had already come up with an excuse to only attend the ceremony and skip the dinner. When we arrived at her house before the ceremony, her parents had organized a small buffet for the friends who were waiting with her and accompanying her. I declined the food they offered, but once I got home, I ate my "proper" lunch—so all good there.

On Sunday, I had a slightly bigger breakfast than my meal plan calls for: 45 grams of oats instead of 40, 200 grams of Greek yogurt instead of 180, plus a piece of fruit and 10 grams of nuts. This was because we went for a longer than usual run/hike in the mountains with a lot of elevation gain. In the end, I did 17.5 km, alternating between running and walking, and I even ran the last 3 km. I didn’t think I’d have the energy to do it, so I was pleasantly surprised! Also, at the three refreshment stops along the route, instead of just drinking water like I usually do, I had a glass of tea. I never do that because it’s sweetened, and in my mind, that’s extra and unnecessary calories, but my husband had suggested I try it to help fuel the effort, and I think it actually did help.

So far, so good! I did more physical activity than usual, and my body responded better than I expected. But my mind? Well, that’s harder to “train” than my body.

Part of the race entry fee included lunch, and when we went to pick it up, I found out it was a tray with a (large) portion of pasta, a piece of bread, and a yogurt. My brain immediately went into overdrive: Where are the vegetables? And the protein? The yogurt is a fruit-flavoured yogurt, full of sugar! The pasta and bread are all carbs, too many carbs! And who knows what kind of sauce they used, how much fat is in it?

So, imagine me sitting at the table with my husband and our friends, all happily enjoying their well-deserved meal after so many kilometers, and me, eating tiny bites of pasta, trying to stretch it out so my husband would finish his portion first, all the while making it look like I was eating but without actually eating too much. In the end, I probably ate about 20% of the pasta, then passed the plate to my husband to finish for me. The bread, of course, I didn’t even touch it. But I did eat the yogurt, knowing that at least it had some protein (and for me, yogurt, even though this one had fruit and sugars, is still a "safe food"). My husband tried to get me to eat a bit more, but didn’t push too hard because we were surrounded by other people, and he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. Thank goodness!

When we got home in the afternoon, I had my snack as planned and then had dinner, increasing the protein a bit and cutting back slightly on the carbs... But I felt ok.

And today, it's back to routine!
I want to try to stick to the quantities in my meal plan, keeping up with my usual 90% but also aiming to reach 100%.

Hi everyone, 

Here's the new thread for the new week:

https://www.7cups.com/forum/eds/General_2454/Accountabilitythread923929_337166/

See you there 🤗