Accountability thread 8/12-8/18

Accountability Entry

Friday, August 16th

The day started very early with an 8 km run (I aimed to go slow and keep my heart rate low, so nothing too challenging), a 1 km walk with the dogs, followed by breakfast and a shower. Once ready, we set off for Sauris, a mountain village about 2 hours from our home, to take on the longest zip line in Europe. It’s divided into three sections and passes over a brilliantly blue lake. I'm not a daredevil, but I’ve wanted to try this experience for several years, and I must say, it was absolutely amazing! You feel very secure with all the harnesses and checks, and you don't get that empty feeling when you take off. It's a pretty gradual experience that allows you to fully enjoy the scenery with just a hint of adrenaline in the background.

So far, so good. Unfortunately, our turn on the zip line ended around 1:30 PM, and given how far from home we were, we had planned to eat out (even though I would have liked to, I didn’t suggest to my husband that we bring our lunch from home because Sauris is famous for its prosciutto and speck, two typical local cold cuts, and it would have been a real shame to come all the way and not try them). After finishing the zip line, we were told that, included in the price, we had two plates of "frico" at the nearby restaurant. Frico is a typical dish from the high mountains of northeastern Italy, very simple, which old farmers used to sustain themselves while working in the fields—so you can understand that it’s anything but light! It’s made with various types of cheese at different stages of aging, potatoes, and in some areas, onions. All of this is served with polenta (boiled cornmeal). Additionally, my husband ordered a small plate of local cold cuts because, as mentioned earlier, we couldn’t come all the way up here and not try them.

When we sat down at the table, due in part to skipping my morning snack, I was starving. But my brain immediately started reminding me, in the background, that I shouldn’t overdo it because the food was too high in calories. We waited forever for the waitress to take our order, and several tables that arrived after us were served before us, so I started to get a little annoyed. When they finally took our order, we realized how slow they were at bringing out the dishes, and we had to wait over 40 minutes before the small plate of cold cuts arrived. I tried a little piece of each, for a total of four slices. On the fourth, I found a small piece of fat that was a bit hard/chewy under my teeth. It can happen, but I’ve always had a problem with this kind of thing, to the point that I’m almost a vegetarian because finding pieces of fat or other hard bits while eating meat has always driven me crazy, ever since I was a child. Anyway, my ED brain couldn’t believe its luck! I grabbed a napkin and spat out that piece of prosciutto, declaring my tasting session “closed” and leaving the rest for my husband, happy to have found the perfect excuse not to eat too many cold cuts and thus saving some calories for the other dish. Too bad that when it arrived, I couldn’t even eat half of it—I kept thinking about how high in calories it was, how unhealthy it was, how I absolutely couldn’t afford to eat it (all while watching everyone else enjoy it with joy—it was indeed delicious—and wondering how it was possible that they could enjoy it without any problems. I feel awful admitting this, but I also thought that some people there were already quite overweight and didn’t really need to eat such a rich dish, which made me think that I was “right” to deprive myself of it).

My husband noticed that I was picking at my food or taking tiny bites and made a comment along the lines of, "Did that piece of fat in the prosciutto really gross you out? Can’t you eat anymore?" There it was, my perfect excuse. I said yes and gave him the rest of my plate. Even at that moment, my stomach was feeling a bit off, partly because I had eaten food that was greasier and richer than usual, and partly because of the guilt. Then we drove back home, another two hours of winding roads in the high mountains, with climbs and descents, and I’ve always been a bit prone to car sickness. Between my upset stomach from lunch and the car ride, it wasn’t a pleasant trip back. He kept saying he was sorry about the winding road and the cold cuts that ruined my lunch, and there were a couple of moments when I thought it could be the right time to finally confess that it wasn’t the real reason, but rather my anorexia. But I never found the courage to actually do it, so I just nodded and let him believe what he wanted to.

When we got home, I was still feeling unwell and didn’t want dinner. He kept trying to convince me to eat, and I gave up only when he asked me to eat a banana only because it was starting to go bad, and eating it was a way to avoid wasting food, so I reluctantly ate the banana while sipping tea as he had his dinner.

So today, my ED brain won, 100%

Aug 16.

Was a good day. Workout, went bowling with my dad, then out to lunch with some old co-workers. Most of them are retired teachers, so we try and meet up before the school year starts, and they can rub it in that they are retired and don't have to go back in a few days haha. But it was a nice group.

They know me as the "healthy" guy, and I had a great berry/chicken salad. Another co-worker ordered fries with bacon/cheese for the table, and I was confident and didn't even bat an eye at them. No one said anything, as they see me as the "healthy" eater. 

Lunch finished, and the restaurant was around a mile from my house so I was able to walk there/back which was nice. Listened to some of the podcasts from Marcus Filly on "Are you eating enough". This was helpful because it gave some more stories about how people eat proper amounts, don't gain "fat" or weight, and instead have more energy, better results in the gym, and are just more full of "life". They also shared how it feels to eat "enough" and how it is actually a little uncomfortable at first. This got me thinking about how I tend to feel "full" or "bloated". These perhaps are actually normal sensations that I just forgot about after such a long period of time.

The rest of the day was healthy. ED brain kicked in a little last night when I was bored, but I was able to let it pass by watching tv and doing some mindless scrolling on my phone. I'll take the win.

Hoping everyone's weekend is successful and know that you are all inspirations!

Accountability for Saturday 17th

Started the day with a 3k walk with my husband and the dogs, and was feeling quite sh**ty due to my bad food choices and car sickness the day before. So once back home I told myself I must have breakfast even if my ED brain was tempting me to still use the general feeling of not being 100% to skip another meal. So I had breakfast and a snack mid morning (greek yogurt with fruit and nuts). 

I have been listening to @Phoenix22k suggested podcast in these days and I’ve heard episodes about not eating enough, on the importance of carbs etc so for lunch I tried adding 5 grams of carbs. I know 5 grams are nothing for everyone, but for me, for my mind, it was like adding way more. I felt I could do that without feeling too much guilt also due to my food intake the day before, and in preparation for tomorrow’s 13 k run. 

In the afternoon I didn’t have any snack except for a coffee with a little bit of milk as I wasn’t hungry, and dinner had a little less fats (my Ed brain’s choice - not much anyway) and a little less protein due to not having enough and I didn’t want to cook something extra. Anyway it felt the right amount, and the new dietician said I must not be so strict and stressed about quantities, one day they could be higher, another day they could be lower… So I decided to leave my meal as it was. I know it was easy for me to accept that because the quantity was lower, not higher… But I would like to see it as a victory anyway as I actually was “less rigid”. 

Hope you all had a great day and I am looking forward to reading about your accomplishments and victories. Sending love from a very hot Italian summer 

August 17

A nice Saturday. Did my usual Saturday Circuit training and 5k. I met up with the older gentleman I mentioned in the past, talked with him, and got started on recording his autobiography. He has a little recorder, and while he spoke I used Googles talk-to-text to get a types report that I can work through for him.

He hasn't mentioned anything too crazy! But he does have some really interesting stories. I also admire him as he was never married, despite some relationships, and does not have any kids. So the time I get to spend with him not only makes me feel "important" but I hope he enjoys it as well. 

The rest of the day was rather "boring" but fine. After this... my summer break is pretty much over as tomorrow I have to work from 12-7pm (not looking forward to that on a Sunday) and then I have obligations throughout the week. 

Food/meals were all good. ED brain did kick in some, but I just played some video games, listened to music, and worked on some papers for the upcoming week.

Mentally preparing for the "long" day tomorrow... which will also throw off my food schedule but I plan on taking my own lunch at least and hoping to make it back home before 8:00.

Hope you all have a more relaxing day!

Accountability for Sunday 18th

Had breakfast and then went on a 13 k run. I normally avoid eating anything at the refreshment points, I only get some water. Today I ate a small piece of watermelon, and when I got home I ate my 10 grams of nuts before showering.

For lunch I ate my whole portion of cheese (I used to have way less!) and also had my afternoon yogurt and dinner. I’d say I had 99% of my food today.

The only thing that’s not completely positive is that today I was listening to the podcast and he was talking about carbs. At a certain point he started mentioning broccoli as a car source.

Of course I always knew vegetables and fruits are carbs. Nothing new under the sun. But today something clicked and made me a little bit more worried about my vegetables intake, as I eat lots and lots of vegetables (volume eating). So tonight I looked at my plate with a little more worry than usual - or rather a slightly different worry than usual. Anyway I know vegetables and fruits are healthy and good and I will not reduce them. But I don’t know why, today something made me worry about them too.

But in general it was a good day.

Tomorrow we planned to go to Slovenia. I spent a couple of hours researching restaurants for lunch and couldn’t bring myself to feel confident about eating out (especially after what happened a couple of days ago) so in the end we will bring our own lunch.

I’ll let you know how it will go!

I wish you all a great start of the new week!

Aug 18

Turned out to be a good day! While I was dreading having to go into work, the teachers I was with and the good group of students ( peer mentors) were great. The day went by quickly.

I didn't have time to eat the lunch I packed, but did snack on my apple. Pizza came around, which I respectfully declined, and no one said a word. One teacher was talking about how they could tackle a whole pizza on their own. I didn't comment but just thought to myself the caloric intake that would be and just how... bad?.. that is. Just my opinion of course. But I also recognized that they are not in the greatest shape, and are significantly younger than myself. So... a little selfish win? Just a reminder that we are all on our own paths, and have our own goals.

ED brain was kicking in on my drive home. "Come on just go to the store and buy some junk! You earned it and did so well through the day, you're hungry!" So I started to drive on the route that had the grocery stores ( I can avoid this route). I treated it like an obstacle, and drove right past all the stores and came home. It felt good. My cat, was not particularly happy I left him alone all day and his food bowl was upset like "excuse me are you forgetting something?". But I gave him an extra hug and snuggle as I was feeling good.

I then made myself a healthy dinner, and relaxed, basking in the "victory" for the day!