Accountability thread 8/12-8/18

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Thanks! I "binged" ON the podcasts yesterday haha. Listened to quite a few. 

The one "Are you, yes you, eating enough?" struck home, and I think it would also be helpful for you as well. The co-host talks about her eating habits and how when she introduced more calories her energy, results, and many things improved. It reminded me of you and your journey and what you have been noticing.

I'll be sure to add the one you mentioned to my queue! 

I listened to it today, and it was really helpful and interesting. I read/heard about eating more in the past too, but I always find it so difficult to believe it could be applied to me too… Hearing her experience rather than just reading about it has a different impact though. Thanks for sharing this with me ❤️

Accountability for Thursday, August 15th

Holiday day here in Italy. It’s a day where normally people meet for barbecues and parties, my husband and I don’t particularly like them and decided to spend it at home.

In the morning I went for a walk with the dogs and then did some work around the house and cooked some food to freeze. We had lunch and then in the afternoon we went for a nice 8 k walk in a nice area not far from home, where there’s a source of a river and a lot of trees, shadowed roads etc. so we managed to escape a little bit the heath of the day.

All of my meals were 90% ok. I must confess I was better the previous weeks, I always tend to reduce a little bit something. It could be 5 grams of this, 5 grams of that, not much but it’s like I always need to be in control and do something less.

Anyway, generally speaking it was a good day, nothing special to write…

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sounds like a lovely day in Italy! I like how both you and your husband are on the "same page" with some things. It is nice that you were able to spend the day together and not have to do the thing that "everyone" does.

I struggle with that as well, we have a fair share of holidays in the US, and the majority of them involve the same, BBQ, alcohol, and the works. Not my scene.

I've come to accept that and try and find peace with it. I wish to live my life differently, especially without an ED, but beyond that I like to be conscious of what I eat so that I can feel better. Each of my days of success, have helped rewrite my personal narrative some and it seems to be helping.

Keep doing the best you can! And your "minor" adjustments still sound like they were far less than what you were doing in the past. I admire how you are still fully aware of them and working on them each day.

Proud of you!

Accountability Entry

Friday, August 16th

The day started very early with an 8 km run (I aimed to go slow and keep my heart rate low, so nothing too challenging), a 1 km walk with the dogs, followed by breakfast and a shower. Once ready, we set off for Sauris, a mountain village about 2 hours from our home, to take on the longest zip line in Europe. It’s divided into three sections and passes over a brilliantly blue lake. I'm not a daredevil, but I’ve wanted to try this experience for several years, and I must say, it was absolutely amazing! You feel very secure with all the harnesses and checks, and you don't get that empty feeling when you take off. It's a pretty gradual experience that allows you to fully enjoy the scenery with just a hint of adrenaline in the background.

So far, so good. Unfortunately, our turn on the zip line ended around 1:30 PM, and given how far from home we were, we had planned to eat out (even though I would have liked to, I didn’t suggest to my husband that we bring our lunch from home because Sauris is famous for its prosciutto and speck, two typical local cold cuts, and it would have been a real shame to come all the way and not try them). After finishing the zip line, we were told that, included in the price, we had two plates of "frico" at the nearby restaurant. Frico is a typical dish from the high mountains of northeastern Italy, very simple, which old farmers used to sustain themselves while working in the fields—so you can understand that it’s anything but light! It’s made with various types of cheese at different stages of aging, potatoes, and in some areas, onions. All of this is served with polenta (boiled cornmeal). Additionally, my husband ordered a small plate of local cold cuts because, as mentioned earlier, we couldn’t come all the way up here and not try them.

When we sat down at the table, due in part to skipping my morning snack, I was starving. But my brain immediately started reminding me, in the background, that I shouldn’t overdo it because the food was too high in calories. We waited forever for the waitress to take our order, and several tables that arrived after us were served before us, so I started to get a little annoyed. When they finally took our order, we realized how slow they were at bringing out the dishes, and we had to wait over 40 minutes before the small plate of cold cuts arrived. I tried a little piece of each, for a total of four slices. On the fourth, I found a small piece of fat that was a bit hard/chewy under my teeth. It can happen, but I’ve always had a problem with this kind of thing, to the point that I’m almost a vegetarian because finding pieces of fat or other hard bits while eating meat has always driven me crazy, ever since I was a child. Anyway, my ED brain couldn’t believe its luck! I grabbed a napkin and spat out that piece of prosciutto, declaring my tasting session “closed” and leaving the rest for my husband, happy to have found the perfect excuse not to eat too many cold cuts and thus saving some calories for the other dish. Too bad that when it arrived, I couldn’t even eat half of it—I kept thinking about how high in calories it was, how unhealthy it was, how I absolutely couldn’t afford to eat it (all while watching everyone else enjoy it with joy—it was indeed delicious—and wondering how it was possible that they could enjoy it without any problems. I feel awful admitting this, but I also thought that some people there were already quite overweight and didn’t really need to eat such a rich dish, which made me think that I was “right” to deprive myself of it).

My husband noticed that I was picking at my food or taking tiny bites and made a comment along the lines of, "Did that piece of fat in the prosciutto really gross you out? Can’t you eat anymore?" There it was, my perfect excuse. I said yes and gave him the rest of my plate. Even at that moment, my stomach was feeling a bit off, partly because I had eaten food that was greasier and richer than usual, and partly because of the guilt. Then we drove back home, another two hours of winding roads in the high mountains, with climbs and descents, and I’ve always been a bit prone to car sickness. Between my upset stomach from lunch and the car ride, it wasn’t a pleasant trip back. He kept saying he was sorry about the winding road and the cold cuts that ruined my lunch, and there were a couple of moments when I thought it could be the right time to finally confess that it wasn’t the real reason, but rather my anorexia. But I never found the courage to actually do it, so I just nodded and let him believe what he wanted to.

When we got home, I was still feeling unwell and didn’t want dinner. He kept trying to convince me to eat, and I gave up only when he asked me to eat a banana only because it was starting to go bad, and eating it was a way to avoid wasting food, so I reluctantly ate the banana while sipping tea as he had his dinner.

So today, my ED brain won, 100%

@Turtleonmyleftarm, I am sorry. This sounded like a tough day. I can feel the pressure from your husband - I get it all the time too.  Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for us to heal.

Thanks Ocean ❤️

Well, he hasn’t been doing too much pressure on me, except for dinner. But he tends to worry quite a lot, so if anything goes wrong he starts asking “what’s wrong? What can I do to help?” Etc. several, several times. Which I know actually sounds great from the outside, but for me it’s like I am a burden. It feels like I am not able to do things on my own, it feels like I am giving someone else worried they should not have. And I feel like I will be controlled on what I do/eat. All of these are also reasons why I never actually confessed my diagnosis.

Now that I am writing it is tomorrow already for me. It’s 6.23 am and I’ve just woken up. Not feeling hungry, even if yesterday I basically didn’t eat dinner. My ED brain is tempting me to take advantage of this, and avoid another meal, but I will not make it win and I’ll go and eat something. Let’s see if I can restart my healing journey… Thanks for your support

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Hey Turtle! It sounds like you had a beautiful start to your day! I'm sorry to read how it went from there.

I can almost imagine the narrative in your mind when given the options of the food. "I worked out, had a light breakfast, and just zip-lined, I could use some calories" versus " these calories/foods are NOT what I want" or something similar. Add that to the delay it was taking to get the food, adding more frustration/emotion to the mix. Then the fat you found on the food, which I agree is rather disturbing and I spit it out as well! Typically, I stick with Chicken/Eggs.

Anyway, it just sounds like you hit a bumpy day and I'm sending you a hug and know you can get back on track! I think part of what I/we need to realize and accept is that we do, even aside from our ED's, want to live healthier lives. Which in turn means we will not be able to enjoy food as "others" do, but the trade-off is that we feel more confident, are healthier (aside from some slips with our ED's), and continually trying to improve. I'm at least trying to re-write this narrative for myself, and realizing that it's okay to be different and want to be healthier. It just is a path that the average amount of people don't take.

So in a sense, we are above average! Yes we have our challenges, but we are choosing a path that is harder, and while we miss out on a few extra greasy cheeseburgers, we can think of how much better we "feel" and are able to tackle what comes our way.

Anyway, super proud of you for all the success you have had! Try to let this day pass, and you have already bounced back a few times before so you certainly will again!

As a wise man once told me " ED brain might have won the battle, but it sure hasn't won the war" (@enigmaticOcean8813) :)

I hope some of the above is helpful, or at least helps you feel justified in the way you wish to live a healthier and happier life

@Phoenix22k, yes, hasn't won the war.

Hi Phoenix,

Yeah you understand the narrative in my head perfectly!

I admire you for having realized your path is being healthy, and I am on the same page too. But sometimes I just wish I could enjoy the same things the other enjoy… Anyway not what everyone else does is correct and what we do isn’t, so I know I should also not focus on that. As you wrote, I should focus on the fact I am a warrior, who lost a battle but who’s still fighting to be above average on her path to healthy living. Thank you so much for your support!!!

Aug 16.

Was a good day. Workout, went bowling with my dad, then out to lunch with some old co-workers. Most of them are retired teachers, so we try and meet up before the school year starts, and they can rub it in that they are retired and don't have to go back in a few days haha. But it was a nice group.

They know me as the "healthy" guy, and I had a great berry/chicken salad. Another co-worker ordered fries with bacon/cheese for the table, and I was confident and didn't even bat an eye at them. No one said anything, as they see me as the "healthy" eater. 

Lunch finished, and the restaurant was around a mile from my house so I was able to walk there/back which was nice. Listened to some of the podcasts from Marcus Filly on "Are you eating enough". This was helpful because it gave some more stories about how people eat proper amounts, don't gain "fat" or weight, and instead have more energy, better results in the gym, and are just more full of "life". They also shared how it feels to eat "enough" and how it is actually a little uncomfortable at first. This got me thinking about how I tend to feel "full" or "bloated". These perhaps are actually normal sensations that I just forgot about after such a long period of time.

The rest of the day was healthy. ED brain kicked in a little last night when I was bored, but I was able to let it pass by watching tv and doing some mindless scrolling on my phone. I'll take the win.

Hoping everyone's weekend is successful and know that you are all inspirations!

Hi Phoenix,

I love it how you’re involved with your dad and his bowling friends!

I’m sure it’s going to help you save a lot of nice memories with your dad!

And congrats for being able to be in the same table with someone ordering unhealthy food for the table, and being able to enjoy your healthy lunch without even thinking about the other stuff. Amazing job! That, and being able to shut off your ED brain at night.

I also see you only had your morning workout and the two walks, you didn’t need to add a workout snack to ease your mind. Giant steps! I am so proud of you!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Accountability for Saturday 17th

Started the day with a 3k walk with my husband and the dogs, and was feeling quite sh**ty due to my bad food choices and car sickness the day before. So once back home I told myself I must have breakfast even if my ED brain was tempting me to still use the general feeling of not being 100% to skip another meal. So I had breakfast and a snack mid morning (greek yogurt with fruit and nuts). 

I have been listening to @Phoenix22k suggested podcast in these days and I’ve heard episodes about not eating enough, on the importance of carbs etc so for lunch I tried adding 5 grams of carbs. I know 5 grams are nothing for everyone, but for me, for my mind, it was like adding way more. I felt I could do that without feeling too much guilt also due to my food intake the day before, and in preparation for tomorrow’s 13 k run. 

In the afternoon I didn’t have any snack except for a coffee with a little bit of milk as I wasn’t hungry, and dinner had a little less fats (my Ed brain’s choice - not much anyway) and a little less protein due to not having enough and I didn’t want to cook something extra. Anyway it felt the right amount, and the new dietician said I must not be so strict and stressed about quantities, one day they could be higher, another day they could be lower… So I decided to leave my meal as it was. I know it was easy for me to accept that because the quantity was lower, not higher… But I would like to see it as a victory anyway as I actually was “less rigid”. 

Hope you all had a great day and I am looking forward to reading about your accomplishments and victories. Sending love from a very hot Italian summer 

@Turtleonmyleftarm

I'm proud of you for eating your breakfast 100% and for the rest of the meals you had throughout the day. While you "modified" some, you also made some big steps in other areas so perhaps that was just "rationalizing" it for your ED brain. Take it as a victory!

I'm still in the "afraid of carbs" party as well, but I noticed that by adding some some extra grains in my diet I do have more energy throughout the day. Aside from plenty of vegetables, for breakfast I have one piece of whole-grain toast, and I added another piece to my lunch. This little thing seems to have helped my energy in the afternoon, and it has not caused any significant changes in weight.

All the nutritional "advice" out there is hard to navigate. I am finding the podcast really helpful and glad you are too!

But great victory today again, even though it may not be "perfect" it still is a win!

Enjoy the 13k run with your new shoes!

August 17

A nice Saturday. Did my usual Saturday Circuit training and 5k. I met up with the older gentleman I mentioned in the past, talked with him, and got started on recording his autobiography. He has a little recorder, and while he spoke I used Googles talk-to-text to get a types report that I can work through for him.

He hasn't mentioned anything too crazy! But he does have some really interesting stories. I also admire him as he was never married, despite some relationships, and does not have any kids. So the time I get to spend with him not only makes me feel "important" but I hope he enjoys it as well. 

The rest of the day was rather "boring" but fine. After this... my summer break is pretty much over as tomorrow I have to work from 12-7pm (not looking forward to that on a Sunday) and then I have obligations throughout the week. 

Food/meals were all good. ED brain did kick in some, but I just played some video games, listened to music, and worked on some papers for the upcoming week.

Mentally preparing for the "long" day tomorrow... which will also throw off my food schedule but I plan on taking my own lunch at least and hoping to make it back home before 8:00.

Hope you all have a more relaxing day!

Hi Phoenix,

Oh no, I am sorry you have to work on a Sunday!

But I can see you’re “ready” to face the challenge with your own lunch and a new healthy attitude. You’ll do great!

The meeting with the old man seems very interesting and I am sure he loves having the chance to speak about his life and spend some time with a younger man who listens to him. I think you are both important for each other’s!

Keep up the good work 🤗

Accountability for Sunday 18th

Had breakfast and then went on a 13 k run. I normally avoid eating anything at the refreshment points, I only get some water. Today I ate a small piece of watermelon, and when I got home I ate my 10 grams of nuts before showering.

For lunch I ate my whole portion of cheese (I used to have way less!) and also had my afternoon yogurt and dinner. I’d say I had 99% of my food today.

The only thing that’s not completely positive is that today I was listening to the podcast and he was talking about carbs. At a certain point he started mentioning broccoli as a car source.

Of course I always knew vegetables and fruits are carbs. Nothing new under the sun. But today something clicked and made me a little bit more worried about my vegetables intake, as I eat lots and lots of vegetables (volume eating). So tonight I looked at my plate with a little more worry than usual - or rather a slightly different worry than usual. Anyway I know vegetables and fruits are healthy and good and I will not reduce them. But I don’t know why, today something made me worry about them too.

But in general it was a good day.

Tomorrow we planned to go to Slovenia. I spent a couple of hours researching restaurants for lunch and couldn’t bring myself to feel confident about eating out (especially after what happened a couple of days ago) so in the end we will bring our own lunch.

I’ll let you know how it will go!

I wish you all a great start of the new week!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Great run and awesome job with your diet! 99% is an A+!!! 

I am very proud of you for "bouncing back" after the other day. See, its already behind you! I need to remember this myself and realize that good/bad days come and go.

I started the Carb episode! But have not finished it, and yikes now I am a bit scared to as well! My diet is pretty much 75% vegetables and I always thought of them as a very healthy choice. Did they say that broccoli is unhealthy? or just that they are "Carbs" and that triggered ED? I'll listen to it today and see what I think.

One note, that I need to get over, is that carbs are good. In their own way. We do need them, and they do so much more for our bodies/minds. My own narrative is messed up regarding them though due to social media and the whole "carbs are bad" thing. At first it was fats, but now carbs take the blame. 

I say just keep doing what feels right. You have made excellent progress, diet and all, and while you may look at broccoli differently, it is definitely a better choice than many other sources.

I'm intrigued to learn about them, and also to hear about Slovenia! I'm very jealous as I have polish ancestors whom I believe came from Czechoslovakia at the time. I'd love to visit those countries at some point.

Sending love! 

No no no, only nice things about vegetables and broccoli! They were just mentioned in like “if someone has to add more carbs to his diet he could have 10 broccoli or 1 cup of potatoes and the potatoes are easier to eat and digest and more palatable” (the proportions are not these, I just made this up). And I don’t know why, but it slightly triggered me…

Anyway I know carbs are not bad. But as you are, I’ve been ruined by social media for so long it’s difficult to actually start acting differently. But we’ll get there, a small step everyday.

I will let you know about my trip to Slovenia in the next post 😉

Aug 18

Turned out to be a good day! While I was dreading having to go into work, the teachers I was with and the good group of students ( peer mentors) were great. The day went by quickly.

I didn't have time to eat the lunch I packed, but did snack on my apple. Pizza came around, which I respectfully declined, and no one said a word. One teacher was talking about how they could tackle a whole pizza on their own. I didn't comment but just thought to myself the caloric intake that would be and just how... bad?.. that is. Just my opinion of course. But I also recognized that they are not in the greatest shape, and are significantly younger than myself. So... a little selfish win? Just a reminder that we are all on our own paths, and have our own goals.

ED brain was kicking in on my drive home. "Come on just go to the store and buy some junk! You earned it and did so well through the day, you're hungry!" So I started to drive on the route that had the grocery stores ( I can avoid this route). I treated it like an obstacle, and drove right past all the stores and came home. It felt good. My cat, was not particularly happy I left him alone all day and his food bowl was upset like "excuse me are you forgetting something?". But I gave him an extra hug and snuggle as I was feeling good.

I then made myself a healthy dinner, and relaxed, basking in the "victory" for the day!

Amazing job!!!

Phoenix, I think you did a really great thing being able to drive in front of the grocery store while in that state of mind, and actually move past it as if it was an obstacle and just went pass it.

You must absolutely get yourself a gift for this accomplishment, and celebrate it!

And how you managed to avoid pizza after having just an apple?

I am in awe at you and at how you managed to turn a normal day into an amazing day, full of progresses!

Let me tell you - August 18th in my calendar will definitively become Phoenix’s day and I will always raise a toast at you!!!

@PeriwinklePeppermint this is an example of our accountability threads. We start a new one each week so I will also quote you on the new one, but here you can see what Phoenix was explaining in your post. If you wish to take part, you’re welcome