trying my best to recover thread (1)

07/31

day 2

i was doing so great today :(( i didnt skip breakfast and lunch and had decent amount of food but when afternoon came, i felt out of control. i went outside the house earlier and i even managed to go for a long walk to somehow burn the calories i ate but after that walk, i ate five snacks which are all sweet and sugary. i bought the donut i was craving for and i initially planned on eating that as my snack only. i was thinking that i should not restrict myself to avoid future binges but just like that, i found myself buying more snacks. i feel ashamed of myself. i couldnt even stand to look at myself in front of the camera bc i genuinely could not recognize myself when im binging. i feel like a different person and i guess it’s true that when the ed voice gets louder, that means you’re winning bc you’re ignoring it. after i ate the snacks, all i could hear was my inner self feeling sorry for giving in and slipping to my old habits. i feel so fat rn like my collarbones are slowly disappearing even tho im almost below the average of what my weight should be in my age. i dont want to bring this kind of habit at school and these thoughts they’re tormenting me. somebody help.

@berrysbs08

Hi Berry,

First of all, great job deleting the fasting tracker app.

It’s a small win, but it’s a win nonetheless. And I think it was a huge step.
So kudos to that!

I understand you see yourself as “fat” even if your weight is actually below the average for your age.

But what you see through the mirror isn’t what you actually are.

Our ED brains change the perception of what we see, it’s simply not real. Please try to tell youself this everytime you’re tempted to check yourself to see how much your collarbone sticks out.

What is the thing you love the most?
What is something you really, really, really like doing, and that you feel your ED is “stealing” from your life?

Is there anything you would do for 24h if you had the chance to, but not eating (or binging) prevents you from doing?
I know these questions might seem strange or stupid, but I might have a point… Let’s try and see if we can find something to help you!

Other than this, do you have any access to "official" therapy?

@Turtleonmyleftarm

08/01

hii ! i appreciate your reply :) 

i really really like and honestly, lovee to spend time with my family. but over time, as i found myself deeper into this hole, i seldom speak to them voluntarily. i talk to them only if they ask me about something. i used to be such a jolly person (they wont admit it but pretty sure i was the funniest kid amongst my siblings 🐒) i find joy in making them happy. but now, i got comfortable not to share or speak to them at all bc when i do, i often say it with a moody tone. it’s just that there’s a lot going on inside my head and them asking me or wanting me to speak up only adds up to the noise that i could no longer handle. but i do want to talk them. they all i have since i dont have many friends. i notice that this ed is slowly setting me apart from my family. i tried to make it up to them but i feel like it’s somewhat awkward for me now to just say jokes and try to make them laugh after being silent for a long time.

if i had the chance to erase all the thoughts abt food and minimize all the voices, i would like to appreciate life and living again. i used to find the beauty in the things i see and feel grateful for all of them. but every time i try to do it now and look at my surroundings or strangers living their own lives, i cant help but to miss the older version of myself. it just feels so different. i think i instilled the idea that im having a difficult time with food and body image so much in my brain cos i allowed it to define me. now when i try to look at myself in other’s lenses, i feel pity bc im suffering with something and it made me become this way. i just want to appreciate life more peacefully without any voice telling me whether or not i should eat later, what food i should eat next, or how much food i should eat on a certain day. i want these thoughts to disappear altogether and feel normal again. i think i would be happier and freer that way.

and to answer your last question, i do not have any access to official therapy. no one in my family knows what im going thru (at least, from what im aware of) bc i dont want them to have their focus on me and add up to their worries. i shared it with one of my friends just recently and i felt good about it cos i was able to release it somehow. i read quotes and articles online about eds and recovery and these help me go on with my day, to some extent :)

@berrysbs08

Hi Berry!

I understand what you mean when you say it feels awkward for you to say jokes after being silent for a long time.
It will be awkward at the beginning, but then it will become normal again. You were like that before, and you can be like that later on. And once you start doing it again, it will feel normal for you and for your family too, since they will simply get back to seeing the “old” you.

I am sure they are aware something is going on with you, probably they don’t know what – or the extent of your suffering. But I am sure they’re all aware something’s bugging you and I am sure they will be happy if you’d share even a small part of it with them, as it would allow them to understand a little bit better your moody tone and  try and help you.

I think you’re in a moment in your life where you identify with your eating disorder. Are you at the same time suffering from it, but feeling afraid to actually losing it entirely?
I mean you want to get better, but at the same time you don’t know who you are without the eating disorder, because it has become what you are inside?

I feel the same sometimes, but more in terms of “if I get better people will think it was just a phase and that I was just being stupid and they will not understand my suffering” while at the same time I hide my suffering from the others.
It’s strange, I know…

I am happy that the thing you love the most is spending time with your family. It’s a really nice and sweet thing!

But what I had in mind was something a little bit more “physical”. Let me explain.
For example I love running, and I found out that constantly restricting food was making me feel so bad that I couldn’t run. I would feel weak, I would not be able to run for as long as I wanted, etc. So now when I eat, and feel guilty about it, I immediately start thinking “ok, I understand this is making me feel guilty and fat, but it’s also fuel for my runs, otherwise I will not be able to do it. What do I value the most? Being able to do what I love, or feeling like s—t and being thin”?
And this helps me rewire my brain just a little bit.

It's not a solution, but it’s helping…

Do you think you might be able to think about something similar compared to what you do with your family, or any other thing you like?

Sending love!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

08/02

hi there!

for me, i believe i do want to become better but instead of not knowing who i am without it, i think i am more afraid to losing it entirely because i found it the easiest way to lose weight and fat in my body, especially to my face

during the summer, i somehow had this mentality that i would rather be skinny and confident than fat and insecure but once i got to that point of “being skinny” wherein i can wrap all my fingers around my wrist and had a noticeable thigh gap, i tried to gaslight myself that i was happy with the results but my body was telling me otherwise

hmm.. for something physical, i think biking is one thing. i love seeing different places and taking a breathe of fresh air outdoors. but during those times when i was so deep into my ed, i couldnt force myself to do it bc i just felt so weak and fragile. now that school is back, i have less time to go biking as i would have to spend most of my time studying and doing schoolworks

@berrysbs08

Hi Berry,
I understand biking could be difficult in this period of your life, with school and everything.

But when you wrote me about your body telling you “no, that’s not how I want to feel” when you got too thin during the summer, I think you’ve partially experienced what I meant.

You already know how it feels when you’ve reached a point that’s too low, and that doesn’t allow you to  be who you are, to feel good enough to live your life normally.
So even if you don’t have an activity worth eating more (like it could have been riding your bike), you have probably already experienced this feeling and you can try to recall the sensation to help you keep eating well when you don’t feel like eating.

Sending much love! 

08/01

day 3

i feel soo much better todayy :))) i ate breakfast and it almost turned into a binge but i immediately stopped bc i didnt want to go to school bloated

speaking of school, i was given enough money to buy food but i managed to resist the urge cos i know once i eat when im not hungry, i would just keep on eating

i think i was able to pay attention more to my classes today but ofc the thoughts are still there i try to ignore them from time to time however there was a point where i felt triggered bc my teacher mentioned the word disorder in front of me and i remembered again the things that im going thru which nobody knows about that moment didnt last tho as i forced myself to stay focus

i went for another walk today and im so proud of myself bc i began appreciating the little things again :) i wont lie here and say that im walking for that reason only im aware that it’s a way to burn calories so yeah the fear of gaining weight is still there however, i think i have made improvements on my own i enjoyed the process of walking i named things i can see and i didnt reward myself with food after walking

when i got home, i slept for a while and when i woke up, i felt the urge to eat something (i didnt eat lunch) i took a few deep breaths i also did this while at school and it is currently working for me

dinner came and i was able to finish everything on my plate (it wasnt a lot) without getting another serving and whatnots ! i also did not get any late night snack i must say that that’s an achievement !!

these are some of the things which are currently working for me: telling myself “this is my breakfast/lunch/dinner”, naming the flavors i can taste in my food, taking a few deep breaths, repeating body affirmations inside my head and telling myself that im doing great and listening to music (this is by far the most helpful)

im actually quite unsure if distracting myself is a good thing bc i dont want it to seem like im just covering the issue and not facing it or addressing it

i fell asleep 😭 in short, i felt like on this day, i start to gain my control back with food i listen to my body more often and i was able to do my homework overall, today was a really good day compared yesterday ^_^

@berrysbs08

Sorry, reading all your days now and seeing how much progress you have made!

Walks have been incredible for me too! And naps, it sounds like we have similar coping mechanisms. Stick to them and remember that being "bored" or doing nothing is better than binge eating!

(I need to take my own advice on that!)

@Phoenix22k

08/02

yeahh, i guess you’re right ! being bored is better than binge eating ((:

@berrysbs08

Hey Berrys!

Welcome to the community and I love hearing your story and am proud of you sharing. I am also recovering from bulimia/binge eating. It is a journey, I have had a few "good" days under my belt now and it has made me feeling great. I'm trying to take it day by day.

I very much understand the vicious cycle and self "promises" to not stop. Try to take it all day by day and never give up.

Food is challenging because we need it to live, but our emotions around it are skewed. 

Let's be accountability partners! You are going for 5 days, me too! I have one under my belt.

Cheering you on.

Also, feel free to formally join the accountability friend myself and @Turtleonmyleftarm are in. Then we can all provide support and help!

08/02

day 4

this day really turned into a binge day 🫠 i was expecting it already since we didnt have classes in the afternoon and we have a lot of food stored in our house (which im thankful for) i wasnt able to go for a walk today bc i had to go somewhere else before heading home

this is my 4th day and i dont feel so good about eating for four days straight im currently thinking about doing the opposite of binging again i can see that i already gained fats in some parts of my body my uniform that used to be bigger for my size now fits perfectly and it’s kind of hard for me to accept that tho i still remind myself every now and then that i love my body, my only body that gets me throughout the day

i have these thoughts that maybe im just growing but there’s a part of me who wants to shrink my body as much as possible my main concern is really my face fat i miss feeling skinny well.. do i? i want to recover and i know that’s what i need to do but i don’t like the idea of me becoming fat recently, i have just realized that i turn to food for comfort when i feel stressed, worried, nervous, or lonely, oftentimes i look for food in the kitchen i dont like being seen taking more food and eating more food this makes me want to go back to doing “it”again i was already capable of it even before summer but ever since i decided to make a *** account specifically for joining a community who also want to lose weight thru fasting, i found myself discovering another side of *** which i wish i hadnt discovered

one thing that also got me thinking - i think i am somewhat like my dad he’s a pretty big person but not that big he wants us to eat and not skip meals i used to wonder why being skinny to them is equivalent to being unhealthy i sometimes see my dad eating even after meals, eating whenever there’s food and idk maybe he’s also using food to find comfort in life

right now, i feel like im confronted with two doors in a dark room one where i choose to recover and eat constantly and one where i choose to eat less or restrict my food intake again and all that im doing is just standing there in the room i dont really know which door to enter i dont want to go back but i dont want to get fat

08/03

day 5

the urge to fast again just keeps on getting higher hi today marks my fifth day of trying to recover thankfully, i didnt binge today i started the day productively and i reminded myself multiple times that i am in control of what i do to my body and what i choose to eat than the ed voice that’s bugging me

i weighed myself today after a long time the lowest weight i had was 38 kg and before i stepped onto the scale and looked down to find out the number, i expected it to be 42 kg since that’s what i always weigh after binging but with a bit of surprise, i weigh 40.70 kg i should be happy about that, right?

for context: i am shorter than others my age like at least 4 11 inches so this weight is okay for me (it can be lower than this)

i was doing great for the most part of the day part of that reason was one of my relatives not being here in our house she triggers me so much and this is the reason why - she’s also in the process of losing weight by fasting or eating less she already lost weight actually she doesnt eat with us during dinner or any mealtimes if she does, she only eats less and she never fails to mention that she’s full already even tho she only ate a small portion of food. to me, it feels like she’s shoving it to my face but im pretty much aware that that’s the ed telling me that i should be jealous of her and see it as sort of a competition and yes, as of now, i guess it’s successful - i am quite (not mad but) irritated with her behavior with her checking herself in front of the mirror, her saying that she only weigh this and that, her saving food for later, her giving us her leftover food, her trying on clothes while telling me that my pants already fit her, her basically showing that she’s already lost weight and i know that she likes it when my family tells her she already looks thin (she’s not that thin thin idk cos i try not to look at her i dont want to admit that im jealous okayy) to be very honest, i am quite annoyed cos i know that i can be skinnier than her saying this even makes me feel ashamed of myself she’s older than me and we have different types of body i am also not usually the type of girl who gets jealous with other ppl but when it comes to ppl who i see, meet, and interact everyday i get triggered very easily right now, it’s like the voice is pushing me to do better than her bc in that way, i wouldnt feel envy anymore cos i know for myself that i can be skinner than her i dont like what she’s doing i dont like what the ed is telling me to do but im so close to being convinced i once did it and i know i can do it again but im scared, really i still want to become skinny ):

@berrysbs08

Glad to hear you had another day without binge eating! A major success! While there is a lot in life we cannot control, what we eat and what we do are two things that we generally are. I have to constantly remind myself of this as well! 

I know the feeling of just letting loose and going out of control, and it has always left me with guilt/shame. I too am starting to grasp the "control" factor.

Take the victory of your weight as a good thing and use it for motivation moving forward!

I'm sorry to learn about your relative and their actions. It sounds like she is "rubbing" her success in your face, and her actions seem a little suspicious. Not eating with you guys and giving you the leftovers does not sound very supportive. I would venture to guess she is actually having a harder time than she lets on, but that is just a guess.

Anyway, know that you are on individual journeys. While it may be "quicker" for them, you are a different person and different size, background, and so forth. Try and focus on the success you have had and compare you to yourself a few days ago and how much you have changed.

(I also compare myself regularly to others so need a reminder to take this advice as well!)

Take a deep breath, smile, and believe in yourself!