Recovery TRIGGER WARNING

This is a happy thread. I have FINALLY realized that what I have been doing the last 2-2.5 years was not recovery. Yes, I was eating more, but I hadn't let go of the ana thoughts. Being hungry was still accompanied with a feeling of pride and accomplishment. And eating when hungry? No, that was out of the question. Breakfast and Dinner and that was all I allowed myself to have, and not enough of any of them.

I have been dealing with nightly eating for four years now, and I thought that when I ate more, when I "recovered" it would disappear. It didn't. Not until I realized that recovery didn't mean what I thought it did. I was in kinda a limbo the last 2-2.5 years, and I needed to find a way to allow myself to eat more. Allow myself to be full, and not hungry all the time.

So yesterday I made a change to my diet. At least three meals a day as a start. And at least two snacks a day too. All good, clean and healthy, but in a bigger amount than I had allowed myself to eat before. It's just... great. I don't love eating more, but I love not being hungry all the time and still ashamed of whatever little I would allow myself to eat.

I go for a specific amount a day, and yesterday (the first time of this recovery) I didn't exactly reach it, but I was VERY close! And you know what? I didn't eat in the middle of the night at all last night. Not once. Yes, I went to the bathroom a few times and yes I got a few glasses of water, but I didn't feel the unstoppable need to eat. I could actually control it, and could tell myself to just go back to sleep.

I didn't wake up multiple times a night with nightmares I couldn't remember and anxiety I couldn't shake. So I think this is a good start! I know it won't always be this easy, but if eating more at day means I won't binge at everything in my apartment at night, then I will do it. I CAN do it!

(Motivational speech for myself has now ended - I am really proud of myself xD)