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TheMadHatterWasHere
8,190 M Moving Along 8
PathStep 148 Compassion hearts681 Forum posts480 Forum upvotes395 Current upvotes395 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceAugust 4, 2015
Bio
Who am I? Two, four, six, oh... no that's not me either. You might found out some day...
Recent forum posts
Nightly eating is no more!
Eating Disorder Support / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 June 10th
...See more I'm on day 4 of not eating at night after I upped my calorie intake. I'm so proud of myself. Anyone who wants to tell about their success feel free to do so here! :D
Recovery TRIGGER WARNING
Eating Disorder Support / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 February 11th
...See more This is a happy thread. I have FINALLY realized that what I have been doing the last 2-2.5 years was not recovery. Yes, I was eating more, but I hadn't let go of the ana thoughts. Being hungry was still accompanied with a feeling of pride and accomplishment. And eating when hungry? No, that was out of the question. Breakfast and Dinner and that was all I allowed myself to have, and not enough of any of them. I have been dealing with nightly eating for four years now, and I thought that when I ate more, when I "recovered" it would disappear. It didn't. Not until I realized that recovery didn't mean what I thought it did. I was in kinda a limbo the last 2-2.5 years, and I needed to find a way to allow myself to eat more. Allow myself to be full, and not hungry all the time. So yesterday I made a change to my diet. At least three meals a day as a start. And at least two snacks a day too. All good, clean and healthy, but in a bigger amount than I had allowed myself to eat before. It's just... great. I don't love eating more, but I love not being hungry all the time and still ashamed of whatever little I would allow myself to eat. I go for a specific amount a day, and yesterday (the first time of this recovery) I didn't exactly reach it, but I was VERY close! And you know what? I didn't eat in the middle of the night at all last night. Not once. Yes, I went to the bathroom a few times and yes I got a few glasses of water, but I didn't feel the unstoppable need to eat. I could actually control it, and could tell myself to just go back to sleep. I didn't wake up multiple times a night with nightmares I couldn't remember and anxiety I couldn't shake. So I think this is a good start! I know it won't always be this easy, but if eating more at day means I won't binge at everything in my apartment at night, then I will do it. I CAN do it! (Motivational speech for myself has now ended - I am really proud of myself xD)
I don't know how to stop it (nightly eating)
Eating Disorder Support / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 September 30th, 2023
...See more I don't know how to stop this, bc I don't know how I got into this. I have been Atypical anorexic as a teen, and until 1.5 years ago I still was. I still watch my calories, but I gained a lot of weight from "recovery" even if I wasn't exactly underweight to begin with. I was very underweight as a teen, but as I got meds for depression and schizophrenia I gained some kgs, and wasn't considered underweight anymore. And somewhere along the last... 2.5-3 years I began eating at night. If I restricted I ate at night. And now that I eat two meals a day I still eat at night. I don't know how to stop it again, bc I don't know why I keep doing it, even if I am getting enough calories. For now I am keeping clear of having anything sweet in my apartment, but I will "binge" on carrots, ryebread and so on at night still. It happens like this: I wake up in a state of panic, and the only thing that can sooth me back to sleep is eating something. Not that I am eating crazy amounts or anything, but I can still eat around 4 pieces of ryebread in minutes. Which maybe actually is a lot. I don't feel any fullness from doing it. I just feel somehow soothed, and I can go back to sleep again. Often I don't remember that I have eaten at night, but I can see I have done it, when I look in the fridge. The state I am in when I do it is a state of panic, and I'm kinda half asleep, and it feels like I can't stop myself. What do I do? I am thinking about getting a therapist, but it depends on whether or not my parents can pay for it, as I don't have enough money for paying for one :(
I use SH to handle my anxiety TRIGGER WARNING
Self-Harm Recovery / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 May 9th, 2023
...See more So I am self harming again, after a year of not doing it. I stopped after getting my servicedog, as he kept pawing at me, when I was picking at my skin or trying to cut. He made me feel at ease. But it didn't work out. He wasn't the right match for me in the end. So I gave him up a few months ago, where they send him to another user. And since then I have been itching to self harm again to handle my anxiety. And I did that last Thursday. It helped, but I feel guilty about not feeling guilty, bc it helped! It helped right away. So now I'm back to self harming, while waiting for a new match. I don't really know what to do about it, as it helps my anxiety. But I know at the same time that self harming and cutting is "bad" for you. I just... I feel like that if it works then I will keep doing it, you know?
Self harm
Self-Harm Recovery / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 April 25th, 2023
...See more I wanna cut real bad right now, and have been wanting to do it since last night. I don't know how long I can hold on, bc right now the only thing keeping me from doing it right is that I have been clean for a little over a year now. But that "excuse" won't hold forever :S
Not loosing weight
Eating Disorder Support / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 April 28th, 2023
...See more I eat what I think would be a healthy breakfast and dinner. Sometimes I eat lunch, sometimes I don't. It's healthy as well. But problem is... after I lost the first few kgs I haven't lost anything since :S Why am I not loosing weight? I can barely eat less, so I guess I should move more?
Worst panic attack ever
Anxiety Support / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 July 1st, 2023
...See more I had this panic attack on monday. I was sitting in a corner shaking for four hours, while humming under my breathe and watching childish cartoons. I was shaking so violently that I had to hold onto myself, almost hugging myself. Normally I call my mom (yeah, I'm 26 yo woman calling my mom) when I have panic attack, but this time I felt kinda frozen, and couldn't really move. Paranoia moved into my mind too, and I didn't know what to do. I was so shaken that I don't even remember when I actually managed to fall asleep. It was the worst panic attack I have ever had, and I had to handle it alone. I don't know, I just feel like *** now, and has been for days :S
Paranoia episodes?
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by TheMadHatterWasHere
Last post
 April 1st, 2023
...See more Sooo... I have schizophrenia, and I have these periods of paranoia. Where I think everyone is out to get me. Or well almost everyone. The worst of those is where I think I can't trust friends or family. Or even my therapist. I kinda isolate myself. Any advice to kinda... snap out of it? I'm currently taking anti-psychotics, but when I feel pressured or stressed my visual hallucinations and paranoia comes back.
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