First moment you realized you may have anorexia?
Where's the line? I'm eating less than I should but still getting a reasonable amount of variety and calories. I have a ton of food issues and negative voices in my head, but I don't know if it's technically anorexia?
@HeyFritters - It sounds like whether it's officially anorexia or not, it's definitely an issue that's having a negative impact on your life and that means it warrants attention. Do you feel like you have people you can reach out to for support to work through some of this?
@Anomalia I drop hints to people a lot, really heavy obvious hints, but no one has been particularly supportive. It might be because I'm a healthy weight now and most of my friends are overweight so they think it's probably not important. I suppose I could try and find a shrink again but none accept my insurance. So, maybe I have someone and I haven't been blunt enough? I really don't know, tough question.
@HeyFritters - It's definitely frustrating when you feel like you're dropping hints and no one is picking them up, and I know it's often especially hard when your body is at a weight that looks healthy because others don't always recognize it. If there's someone you think could be a good support, I'm a proponent of really open and honest conversation rather than hint dropping, though I know that's not always easy.
In terms of finding a therapist, starting with insurance is a great place to begin, but not the only option. If you can't find something covered by insurance, often schools training therapists will offer pro-rated therapy with their students (supervised by a licensed professional) for much cheaper. Another helpful option can be looking at eatng disorder support groups which are often free or small donation-based. I found those incredibly helpful in my recovery. And, of course, connecting here isn't the same as therapy, but can still be a good start to a support system as a place you can speak honestly and openly and receive support along your path to recovery.
@HeyFritters Ive been in this situation too. It is really difficult because you are in so much internal pain and youre trying to reach out to others but its almost like they dont want to believe you because (as you said too) you are a healthy weight so you ‘couldnt possibly be anorexic.
When I found myself in this situation I took myself to the university doctor service who gave me a referral to the university psychologist which was free for 10 sessions. Is there something like that available to you? Perhaps you could even try 7 Cups online therapy service or BetterHelp.
I hope you find help soon. In the meantime if you want to talk to someone who has been there - you know where to find me!
I realized I had anorexia when I was reaching [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics] pounds and I was still unhappy. At that moment I realized that I had a problem and I needed help. I felt my health get worse and I still have problems that I see even a year after I got back to almost normal. I got down to [edited] when I should have been [edited]
@LittleBetha - I'm really proud of you for recognizing that you needed help and reaching out for it. It's frustrating when some of the health issues persist even once you're back to a healthy weight, but hopefully most of them will continue to fade with more time. Have the doctors given you an indication of what to expect?
I noticed it this year really. I was young when I had it. And I wasn't taught about it back then and I just associated it with being normal. I knew what I was doing was bad but I didn't know what It was.
@selfconfidentNectarine2379
Proud of you for sharing <3 you can always pm me if you need more support <3
@Laura
(Trigger warning I guess...?)
when I began worrying about my looks, when everyone started saying me that I might need to lose weight. When I was at the mall and saw so many people attractive and skinny and [white].
When I started to stop eating because I didn't deserve it. When I was exercising like too much, and when my parents began worrying why her daughter doesn't eat at all, if she likes to eat? When I was seeking for anabuddys and thinspo and all of that...
Welp.
I think I may be relapsing again...
About three years ago. I heard about people cutting calories to lose weight, and I was dealing with gender dysphoria at that time, so I decided if I lose weight, I'll look less feminine. And so I started that, and then I started eating less and less, and I realized there was a real problem when I felt emotionally compromised whenever I ate something. I just wanted to beat the shit out of myself anytime I ate anything, and I started feeling worthless because of it.
@cyclawins Ive also been in this cycle. Its such a hard place to be in. You feel like you dont deserve food but then you eat and become angry at yourself for having no willpower- its a vicious cycle! I hope you are doing ok now. I know it never really goes away but you are strong!
@Laura it was always, oh that's what an eating disorder is but you don't have it you're normal. Then one day (I remember it, I was just walking into the kitchen and it hit me) I might have an eating disorder. I'd actually struggled for 2 years but put it down to being normal but 2 months leading up to my realisation I was wildly denying it. It was that "but you're in control of this" that did it for me but I saw how unhealthy this mindset was.
@Tallulah4Me - I can definitely relate to that! When it's ourselves, I think it's really easy to keep justifying and saying things are normal until we're way further down a path than we realized.
The first time I really realized I might have anorexia was, honestly, yesterday. I've always known in some way or another that I've had an eating disorder of some sort but I've always thought I was atypical because I don't think I'm fat and I don't want to lose weight. It wasn't until I was thinking long and hard about things yesterday when I realized something I do all the time that I don't even think about could actually be anorexia. I body check constantly and I restrict but I never thought of it as damaging or "anorexic." And more than that, I find that I'm really perceptive to when I've gained even a little extra fat because I see that as an excuse to cut myself some slack and tell myself "I look alright right now, I can afford to skip a meal and not be hard on myself" as if looking slightly heavier is by any means an excuse to slack off in the eating department. But then what's difficult is when I feel like I can never get an accurate representation of how my body actually is-- every reflection and picture looks different like I'm living in a fun house. I can think I look fine, maybe a little heavier, and then I'll step on the scale and find a number way lower than I expected (and then get mad at myself because how dare I be underweight-- I get excited when I see I've gained a pound or two but then I always counteract it by restricting even if I don't want to lose weight or at least not consciously.) I'm also terrified of food, of if it could potentially make me sick, and I get anxious in restaurants or at the thought of clearing my plate or after eating a big meal because I'm scared of feeling uncomfortably full and eating too much only to get sick on it. I know I have at least some tendencies toward ARFID, as well, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized maybe anorexia might actually be in the cards after all despite all this time thinking "I can't possibly be anorexic, I don't fit the criteria because I don't want to lose weight or think I'm fat." Little did I realize the things I'm doing could possibly be considered the same exact thing, just more elusive. But I don't know. I'm planning on opening up with my therapist about all of this the next time I see her and seeing if we can pin down an actual diagnosis now that this realization has hit me. And that's terrifying.
My anorexia had actually begun when I was around 12 years old, although it wasn't very extreme. Just eating less and working out a lot. By the time I reached 13 and a half, I had completely stopped eating. I didn't eat anything at all for about 2 months and worked out for 3 hours everyday. The reason I had to eating after those 2 months was because my parents caught me throwing away or hiding away my food. They told me that it was a mental disorder, but I felt insulted by that term (now I know better). I never understood what was wrong with me.
One day, about an year later, when I was about 14 and a half, one of my friends showed me one of her poems. It was her diary and the page right next to it was titled something along the lines of 'Skinny Love' or something. She told me to not read it. I'm sorry for invading her privacy, but I did. Turns out, it was something she'd written about anorexia and how she was anorexia too. That moment, nearly 2 years after I had battling with myself, never understanding what was wrong with me, struck me so hard, that I really didn't know what to do. I looked anorexia up on the internet and I was shocked by the information I received. The information and pictures were more than enough to make me relapse back into that black hole, but it somehow didn't feel right.
So I strived to get better. I'm still working on myself. Recovery is hard, I've relapsed a lot, but the strength and perspective that come with it, are so worth it, that they make up for all the hard time recovery gives you.
To anyone who's reading this, if you've been in an ED or still are, don't lose hope. Stay strong. I know you can make it. Keep your head up. Love and smiles.💛💜
@Witheredbeauty
P.s. I'm 17 now and it's been so long, but I'm in love with this new community I've discovered. Thank you to everyone out here, member or listener, you're doing a great job.🌼🌻
@Witheredbeauty - I am sorry that you had to struggle for so long, but I'm really proud of you for making that commitment to recovering and really working so hard at it. You're absolutely right that recover is hard and sometimes relapses are apart of that journey, but you are so strong and determined and each step along that journey makes you even stronger. Happy that you're here, and really proud of your commitment to recovery!
@Anomalia Thank you for your kind words. I had been having a sad, missing family, kinda day, but you really just made me smile after I've been wanting to cry for the entire day. This was beautiful. I'm really grateful that you exist.💜💛
I started being anorexic at the age of 13, though it wasn't extreme. I wouldn't eat lunch at first, but it shifted to only eating dinner if I even ate that. Bc that was the only meal I couldn't control, bc I had to eat with my family. Breakfast and lunch was under my control, and nobody cared if I ate it.
I was a sophomore, when I realized something was very wrong (I was 16-17 at the time). We were on a schooltrip, and my teacher was really worried when she didn't see me eating at lunch. She was like: "why don't you eat lunch?", and I was like: "I don't have enough money for it and I didn't bring any."
She offered to split her lunch with me, but I still didn't wanna eat anything. She just let it go, but looked very worried. At that trip I stopped eating completely bc noone told me to eat or controlled my eating. But I began eating dinner again, when I got home. I told people that I couldn't eat breakfast, bc it made me nausies. And that I never ate lunch.
At home I had told myself for many years that I didn't eat lunch bc I would be hungry when I got home if I ate anyways, so there was no point in eating lunch. And I couldn't eat breakfast bc I started to feel like I should purge when I tried. So I couldn't eat that.
But it wasn't until I moved to another part of the country that my ana got really bad. I completely stopped eating for weeks, and my parents found out. I was only drinking soda, no food would come past my lips. So I got hospitalized for two months and was recovering, though I still didn't eat lunch, but I learned eating breakfast again. I thought I was cured and started to get on with my life. Everything was fine again, or at least that was what I felt. I got my diagnosis that year: anorexia
But I wasn't all good, and my ED restarted itself in October 2018. I started by not eating other than dinner, and my parents started to worry again. I'm still in the spin of my ED and are barely eating. If I eat more than [edited] calories I will get stomach pain and throw up. I physically can't eat more than that or I will be sick. I don't know how to stop this. I have lost [edited] kgs from October to now.
I tried to reach out for help in January, but the ED-center didn't want me. My problem wasn't big enough, but apparently my body was too big to be sick. I wasn't skinny enough. Not only in my own eyes, but in the center's too. I wasn't good enough again.
I don't know what to do anymore or if I even wanna recover. My goal is to get skinny enough to get help, but when I get there I'm afraid that I'm not in a recovery-mindset anymore...
edited by Anomalia to remove calorie and weight specifics