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myaekingheart
1,460 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts43 Forum posts146 Forum upvotes149 Current upvotes149 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2020 Member sinceJuly 4, 2015
Bio
Inching my way through this crazy world with the weight of the galaxy on my shoulders. Writing and art are my truest passions. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
Recent forum posts
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How to Keep Going in Recovery
Eating Disorder Support / by myaekingheart
Last post
 January 15th, 2020
...See more I started seeing a dietitian a few months ago on top of my usual talk therapy and monthly doctor's appointments so I can finally kick this ED's butt, but this is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I'm struggling. The hardest part is actually eating, like I'm so accustomed to restricting but my dietitian wants me to eat my meals no more than five hours apart, even if it's just a snack, even if I don't feel hungry, and I'm stressed. I've been trying so hard the past two days after my appointment to actually eat three full meals but I feel like I'm so full all the time now and it's hard to find the motivation to keep eating when I feel so full. I don't know, recovery is just so damn hard and I want to get better but god is it hard to stay motivated and determined when it feels like too big a battle for me to handle.
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Finally Started Treatment
Eating Disorder Support / by myaekingheart
Last post
 November 20th, 2019
...See more I finally got in touch with a dietitican today who I'm starting eating disorder treatment with and I'm honestly so, so nervous. Up until today, I had been kind of downplaying my disorder because I felt atypical and that maybe I wasn't that sick, but she confirmed today that I have EDNOS and body dysmorphia and we're going to meet regularly to help me recover. Logically, I know this needs to happen but that doesn't make it any less scary. I think it's really starting to hit me that I'm on this recovery train now and there's no turning back. I know it's going to be so hard to shake this illness, but I have hope that I can do it and come out the other side stronger. I'm just super duper scared.
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My Best Friend is Pregnant
Relationship Stress / by myaekingheart
Last post
 November 5th, 2019
...See more So, yesterday I found out that my best friend is pregnant. I was one of the first people she told and I am super happy for her! And also touched that she decided to tell me before most anyone else. I know she's going to be a great mother and I know she's feared in the past that she may never be able to have kids, so I'm so happy this worked out for her. My only problem is that I think I'm jealous. She got married this summer, now she's having a baby, after so many other friends (or at least "people I know" since I don't really have many friends to begin with) have accomplished the same. My entire life, I've been obsessed with pregnancy and childbirth and parenthood. I've always been positive that if I never accomplished anything else I wanted in life, the bare minimum was that I wanted to be a mother. Technically, nothing is stopping me from having a baby, too, but I'm not in the right place in my life right now to have kids. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, I'm in my senior year of college, and I also live in a terrible college town with high crime rates, I can't drive, and I've never had a job. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with myself when I graduate next spring. I don't feel at all like a functional adult so logically I know having a baby is not the right thing for me right now (if ever, which is another matter entirely--lately I've been really spooked by the fear that I may never be realistically ready for a baby, despite it being the only thing I've ever been sure about wanting in my life). I'm just jealous that I'm not at the point in my life where having a baby is realistically possible. I feel like everyone else is miles ahead of me in accomplishing things in their life, my best friend included, and I feel so damn behind. I don't want to be jealous or feel this way, but I do and I don't know how to handle it. I'm also terrified that having a baby means my best friend won't have any room in her life for me anymore. For the past eight years, my best friend has been like the sister I never had. She's always been the one I could turn to with whatever problems I was having, I could always be open and honest with her and vent to her. Now that she's having a baby, though, anything I'm feeling or going through feels insignificant. I mean, how can anything be more important than the issues that come with growing an actual human being in your body? I feel like I want to isolate myself and bottle everything up because there's no point. I'm not important anymore. I don't feel betrayed by my best friend's pregnancy, but I do feel depressed and lost and jealous and I hate that I feel that way because I don't want to. I want to be happy for her without all the bad stuff nagging me in the back of my mind, but I don't know how when it feels like I'm so far behind everyone else and so terrified that I'm going to lose my best friend and the bond we've built up over the past eight years because my shit isn't anywhere near as important anymore. I don't know, I feel like I'm not making a ton of sense and I'm rambling and being a pain in the butt and I probably sound so damn selfish but I just don't know what to do. I want to cry, I want to cut myself off from everyone and everything because god I'm being so petty and disgusting, and more than I anything I want to be in a position in my life right now where I can have a baby, too :\
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What if I don't feel "sick enough" to be considered chronically ill?
Disability Support / by myaekingheart
Last post
 July 19th, 2019
...See more I've been living with IBS since about 2013/2014, and only just got an official diagnosis in January. Logically I am well aware that IBS is a chronic condition and something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, and that it's caused me a lot of severe pain and trouble over the years (including losing lots of weight and feeling terrified of eating because everything I'd eat in a given period of time made me insanely sick) and yet somehow I still don't feel like I'm sick enough to be allowed to call myself chronically ill. Does anyone else struggle with feelings like this? Or am I really not sick enough to be allowed to call myself chronically ill?
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