My little disability space [TW]

@AvyIsKing hey you ❤❤ don't worry you won't have to start all over again, they will fix you ❤ and if they don't well I'll come down there and sort them out. I cringed reading about your knee cap, ewwww! And owwwwww! 2 years is a very long time😥 but physical therapy is a good thing, and the test in a few weeks. See things are moving, slowly, but their moving. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ how are you doing today?

@Tinywhisper11

what if the doctors decide this worked and cancel the test and then it stops working and i have to start all over? i don't think i can do this all over again. my knee isn't that bad, it just hurts a lot. My physical therapist is working a lot on my foot and my tendons more than my knee, because my foot caused my knee. im really sore and really tired and she gave me blood blisters. but i have band today. how are you doing love?

@AvyIsKing it's only worked and helped so much. So their not just gonna put this off. I mean your knee out of place, your poor foot, they can't just let you suffer. Especially considering your age. They will make you better ❤ so don't worry ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Hugs ❤❤ I'm so scared I'm going to suffer more 

@AvyIsKing 😔❤❤ sending love <3 it'll be ok

@tearstruck

I hope so

@AvyIsKing I know sweetie, pain is just the hardest thing to have to deal with😥 but don't be scared, they know how bad you are, and their gonna help you, it's all gonna be ok ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ try not to worry, it will be ok ❤

@Tinywhisper11

pain is all I've ever known

i dont want to hurt forever but im also scared to not hurt. THe pain stops the thinking

@AvyIsKing I know sweetie😥 I can sympathise with you there. But let's stop the physical pain, and then I can try help you with mental pain ❤ my arms will always be open to hug you, and wipe away your tears, things will get better, life will start getting good for you ❤ and until it does you have me and all your other friends here, to pick you up when things get hard ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I love you too <3 im so scared that if the pain goes away ill start doing bad stuff again. is it weird that all i want in life is also the thing i fear most?

There is something so enraging about my sister having a lil ingrown toenail and it being infected and my mom taking care of her and her screaming and crying and I have the exact same issue and my mom let's me suffer. It happens all the time. I'm in pain and I'm forced to do work and function but the second my sister has a lil boo boo it's like her life is so terrible and my mom needs to coddle her. I wish I had that care

 I wish my mom held me when I was sad and scared and hurting and let me take time to heal and rest 

She just said 

I'm always in pain and there is nothing I can do about it and it's so FRUSTRATING but its fine.

She's never had pain in her life. Like she doesn't. Oh her toenail hurts because she's in dance. Bull crap. She does it to herself. And awwww her teeth hurt because they are a lik crooked. I've literally had to pull my teeth I the correct place and I have impacted wisdom teeth that I can't get pulled because of insurance that my Dr is URGING me to get removed 

My sister is so selfish it's so dumb. U get it everyone's pain is valid but she gets a lil cut and she's crying or she takes Tylenol for every lik headache and I can't do that and it's so angering 

@AvyIsKing I'm so sorry sweetie😞 you deserve to be loved and looked after properly, by someone who actually cares and loves you. It's very sad that you don't have that😥 it must be so hard to see your mum favour your little sister like that😞 and it shouldn't be happening.

if your pain stops or eases, then that's a blessing in disguise ❤ but it won't sort out the fact that you have theese disabilities, they are still there, so if they can help you, like with surgery, then they will. Don't be afraid ❤❤ I'm here with you, always ❤ it's all gonna be ok, and soon ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

its really sad and crushing to see

i did get some good news at band yesterday and ill say more about it Friday eheh

@AvyIsKing hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love and care about you ❤ and good news!?! Ok when's Friday🤔🤔 wait it's only  Sunday😮😮 fine I'll be patient😁

@Tinywhisper11

actually I'll tell u now

so my band director gave me a massive solo in band

one ofthe things my band does is we dedicate solos to people before hand, or certain songs. Its a weird thing. Like my friemd is playing a solo peice because shes graduating and its for her youth leader

anyway imma dedicate my solo to you because u are amazing and just yeah 🥺 anyway its just a lil like thing, some girls pray, it helps take the nerves away

@AvyIsKing your gonna dedicate a solo piece to me? Me? I'm speechless, you've actually done the impossible and made me shut up. Avy I love you so so much, this is the sweetest, kindest gift anyone could ever give me ❤❤ I'm so honoured to just be your friend, and then you go do something like this, your just the best friend anyone could ever wish for ❤ and congratulations in getting the solo, you are very talented and instructor can clearly see that ❤❤ I'm so proud of you ❤ and still speechless ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I love you too ❤️❤️ its supposed to be a person we love, someone we owe the world to, someone that we know will never be disappointed, even if we mess up. ANd the best part is my solo will be allllll made up on the spot so its 100% original work 🥺

@AvyIsKing 😭😭😭😭😭😭 your gonna make it up on the spot. I just know with all the love and kindness that's in your heart, it will be the best song ever ❤❤❤ hugs you and gets you wet with happy tears 😭😭😁😁😭😁 and nope your stick with me, there's nothing you could do to make me stop living you ❤❤ thank you sweetie, thank you so so sooooo much ❤

@Tinywhisper11

yeahhhh improvational jazz solos are stressful but fun! And its in a nice pitch so I just go nuts and i make it sound fun and cool!!! Lola i love you so much. And good i wanna be stuck with you forever 

@AvyIsKing 😁❤

@Tinywhisper11 that's right even our farts are love 😁😂😂

@Tinywhisper11

xD you are too much sometimes lola! kidding, never change sweetie <3

@AvyIsKing 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 how are you feeling today?

@Tinywhisper11

i had a really rough day. How are you doing?

my mom caught me humming while i was doing my stretches and she gave me a lecture on how i need to focus, which i have an inability to do so, and how i need to focus on my stretches. if i sit and think then i freak out and it never goes well, so i like to make melodies while i stretch. she started going on how all of this was my fault and i need to be more intune with my body and focus on it because if i pay attention to my body then it will feel better? i told her i know anatomy and if i wanna move a certain muscle i know exactly where it is and to move it and she said you arent getting the point and i was getting annoyed because SHE wasn't getting the point, and she looked at me and was like if u cared u would've felt better by now. i looked her in the eyes and was like i hate my body and it hates me. she got so mad at me. she called me useless and dumb and told me shes done after my test on the 14th. no more doctors, its stupid and a waste of her time. she told me today shes gonna watch me do my stretches and that scares me. when i was at pt she was grabbing my leg and holding it in place and my therapist lady was like please don't do that, i need to see how her body reacts and is changing. then when stretching my calf muscle my mom decided i wasn't going far enough so she pushed my leg and i almost screamed it hurt so bad, but we were in public. last night i pushed myself so hard during my stretches i was sobbing and silently cursing. i want her to see I've made progress. she doesn't want a crippled kid, who can blame her? . i also have terribly nightmares but idk that's my life. 

@AvyIsKing 😥 it's just heartbreaking😥 I do not! Understand your mum in any way. Being physically disabled, being ill is not your fault, never your fault. Your mental health however is all your mums fault😞 I hope the not being bothered to take you to the doctor thing is an empty threat, cause she has to step up and realise how much pain and suffering you are in. And she needs to start being a real mum.😟 are the stretches something the doctor have you to do? Cause they need to be gentle stretches, and humming a tune! I mean what's wrong with that. It's just ridiculous, you know what helps you, so she should let you be 😞 nightmares are terrifying I know that I've also been afraid to go to bed the past few night s, jeffy is there protecting you, and I'm always hugging you in my heart ❤ only a little while longer before the operation, then all your physical pain will be gone at least ❤ and pretty soon you will be old enough to tell your mum to shove it! I know it's all so much for you at the moment, but your gonna get through this, and I'm right here every step of the way ❤ I love you hugs you tightly ❤❤ it's all gonna be ok ❤ I promise ❤

@Tinywhisper11

thanks <3 my mom is bonkers. i have an appointment in 15 minutes and i have 3 lessons of school i need to do before im allowed to leave. <3 the stretches are gentle but painful. but everything is painful. i ended up just crying to my mum last night because im just tired. and im carrying so much stress around. like what if i fail my solo? what if i fail high school? what if the test says nothing and they don't do the operation? what if the operation doesn't help? what if my mom doesn't let me leave? im going to my friends for a bit today, then ill be home alone, going to try and take a nap. i love you so much lola <3

@AvyIsKing your not gonna fail your solo, Because when you make your music it comes from your heart, and you have a big heart ❤ your way to clever to fail highschool ❤ your mum can't stop you from growing up, and choosing your own path ❤ your knee moves out of place, your foot is not shaped right (with your arches) frequent swelling, bruising  and they know your in pain, so sweetie don't worry the doctors will help you, you'll have the operation. And it's definitely gonna make you feel 100x better ❤❤ you got a lot on your mind it would be to much for anyone to deal with, but especially at your age😥 have fun at your friends house ❤ and yes take a nap, and relax, home alone sounds nice ❤❤ last night did your mum, hug you and comfort you?? 

@Tinywhisper11

my mom didnt, she didnt care she just listened. i haven't slept in 3 days, im utterly exhausted. my physical therapist mentioned yesterday that maybe instead of the operation ill just be in physical therapy for the rest of my life. that's not something i want at all. im sick of nursing my wounds, i want to heal. my legs are messed up and its getting worse and i pinched a nerve in my arm by not even doing anything and my mom says i slept on it weird but i don't trust her. me and my friend just relaxed for a while i almost fell asleep but i cuddled her puppy. today is a long day, and im going skating, maybe ill sleep tonight 

@AvyIsKing ohhh! I really really hope you slept. It's not gonna be a easy choice with out some one fighting your corner😞 if I was there I would be ringing the doctors to complain weekly about the pain your in, and any new injuries. But you don't have anyone to do that.😟 I wish I knew how to make you better. Living with pain is just so hard. I don't even know what to say, I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 I hope you have fun at your concert today ❤ I bet your gonna be the star of the show ❤ I can hear you playing your solo in my head. I'm still so honoured your doing that for me ❤ I love you so much ❤

@Tinywhisper11

i love you too <3 and my physical therapist actually seems to care and shes helping, even though shes absolutely evil when it comes to the stretches. she very slowly was able to move my foot bones to get them into a somewhat right place yesterday and it felt so good i almost cried. she put a bunch of tape on it to help it stay that way. today is the first day in a very very long time i have absolutely no foot pain waking up. morning is the hardest. i did go skating and i skated for 2 and a half hours D: but it felt good to just do something normal. im trying to think of a way to get you to hear me or see me play (: i love you so much. and i do have someone fighting for me, she just lives wherever you live <3

So I had a really bad pain day yesterday but I nailed my solo and my director told me I sounded professional and he didn't make me stand up because of my foot and knee situation and I'm really sad that I won't see a lot of my friends for a long time but I'm also really really proud of myself 

@AvyIsKing yaaaay! Well done ❤❤ you are very talented, so proud of you ❤ and so honoured to know you ❤❤ no more band for a while??? How are you feeling??

@Tinywhisper11

THanks ❤❤ I have graduation rehearsal on Friday /try outs for new kids, and then the next Saturday I'm playing a graduation then I'm done til August sadly 

@AvyIsKing good luck with your graduation ❤❤ that sounds fun ❤❤ and August isn't far away, plus you get to enjoy the summer sun a bit ❤❤ how are you feeling? Do you think the stretches and exercises are helping?

@Tinywhisper11

had a terrible pain night and im sore today. I had a formal dance last night and my mom ruined the entire night for me and made me cry and told me i ruin everything and sometimes she wished i wasnt such a burden. I didnt do anything wrong ): i didnt do much dancing, i just dont care anymore

@AvyIsKing 😞 aww sweetie I'm so sorry😞 don't listen to the wicked witch, your a blessing not a burden, and everyone else can see that, except her😟 I hope you get to relax today ❤ have a day just for you ❤❤ I hope your pain as eased a bit ❤gives you a gentle hug ❤ I love you so much ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Hugs ❤❤ I love you too 

My mom apologized to me today and it felt so weird she apologized for everything it was just weird and I dunno 

@AvyIsKing oh! Well that's good. Maybe she isn't a wicked witch after all😕 that's strange, but good ❤ how are you feeling?

@Tinywhisper11

tired aha, busy week coming up. (: i start therapy on Friday