a letter you'll never send...

Dear my grandfather, I am sorry I was ignoring you in the past because I was blinding my eyes for you and opening my eyes only for my parents who had never come to me. I've been alone every day and I've missed you so much since the day you're gone. I am sorry I didn't trust you. I am sorry I dissapointed you. I am sorry I ignored you. Now it's been 11 years and I'm getting older right now. Until now, I always remember you. Thank you for making me strong in the past. Now, it's time for me to be strong for myself at the present and the future.

You,

You are enough. Stop telling yourself otherwise.

The feelings that you once experienced, have taken a step back for a moment.

It's confusing and uncomfortable.

Numbness has taken over. You're wondering when you will laugh a genuine laugh again.

Things haven't been fine for a while and you've isolated yourself.

Unkind thoughts swirl around your head at night. That love affair your having with Insomnia needs to end.

You. Are. Not. Your. Thoughts.

Your soul is searching for something meaningful. It always has. What are you searching for?

Be brave.

Seek help, you deserve it. I know it's hard. But healing doesn't begin without that very first step.

You deserve it. You always have.

Don't grow old and bitter, there is so much out there to love. Including yourself.

Hi

Dear Dad, I used to think we had a great relationship, but over the past three years I have come to realize the flaws. You bully me when you're in a bad mood. I know now that your love is conditional--it is based on how you feel about the world on any given day. I get a happy high when we connect, so grateful that you love me again. I know I'm not your daughter biologically, that Mom cheated on you with her redheaded ex boyfriend right after you were married. I think you know that too, deep inside. We've connected through sports, you helping me in basketball, soccer, softball, and track. I always felt like your daughter when I was growing up. But now, now that I am about to get engaged (I can read my guy from a mile away) you get upset every time his name is mentioned. I don't know what it is about him that makes you so angry. Maybe I'll never know. All I ask is that you let me go.

Hey,

I want you to know how big of an impact you have made in my life. You don't realize but you did. Whenever I start bringing it up, you change the topic and act like it's not a nig deal. But I don't think saving someone's life is a small of a deal. I love you so much. And I think you know through my eyes that shine to the words that are felt. Thank you for coming into my life

Young me, I wish I could tell you to love yourself, to give yourself time to figure out what you want to be. To love your body the way it is, you were made absolutely perfect. Don't let people who you think are your friends dictate how you should love your life, or don't let people try to drag you down a negative path that is theirs. Don't feel like you have to give a guy everything so he'll like you, "love" you or commit to you. I wish I could tell you that you're going to be ok and you're enough.

Paanong nangyari na magkaibigan lang ang nakikita mo sa atin pero ni-lead mo ako na mahalin ka? Hindi ko maintindihan. Ang sakit. Part of me respects your decision but a bigger part of me is just broken right now. How can you make me love you then just ignore me when I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Paano mo nagagawa na tumakas at lumayo? Bakit hindi tayo pwede?

To my person, my first lover. We met during some of the strangest times in our lives, but you made me feel so safe, so loved, and you'd say the same to me. I still replay the best moments we shared in my mind, constantly, like some sort of compilation that only I can see. I can perfectly retell the first few words we exchanged; it's like someone etched them onto my brain. Alas, I've also had engraved the last few words we said to each other. Those last few pages of our story, that part of the song that never fails to make tears come out of my eyes. That's the moment I cannot stop thinking about, no matter how hard I try to escape from it. The fast forward button seems to stop working every time I get to that bit. "I wish you were here," a phrase you also said to me, and I couldn't believe you had really wanted to be with me. See, for the longest time, I never thought someone would want me and care for me the way you did. You helped me see myself in a way I never thought possible until you came around. And I love you for that. I love you for so many things. The things you think make you unworthy of love make me love you. The things that no one but me know you for make me love you. The way you spoke to me made me love you. All your oddities, the little quirks of your personality, they all made me adore you.

So, I'm sorry that I could not be there for you in all of the ways you needed me. I was just afraid, I promise. I wanted to be there. Oh, how badly I wanted to. I was the one who brought your hopes up, just to end up letting you down. You were the hint of light in my vast darkness, in a time where nothing was normal anymore; where everything had changed for the both of us. If it weren't for the rhythm our lives were going at, would our paths had ever even crossed? Perhaps the two of us meeting at the crossroads was serendipity. You were there for me in a way no one else could've been. You were all I wanted then, and yet somehow I still found myself unable to take in all your care for me. How can I really forgive myself for what I made you go through? How can I ever forget about you? I hurt for you, I long for you. I ask the moon and the stars if you miss me the way I've been missing you. Do you remember me and all that we went through the way I remember it? While we're still here, alive in this world, please pass by and let me know how you've been, even if it's just once more, just before our time is up. My person, even after all these months that have gone by, you're the one I'm still pining for. Only time and luck can tell if there's a light at the end of this tunnel, a spot somewhere only for the two of us.

@EmmaE

What an amazing idea emma!

Dear awesome funny human being, I hate you, I hate you for leaving without a warning. I hate what you did to me and the only thing you can do to make me hate you less is come back. Please come back. I know you'll never read this and I know you aren't here anymore but I love you. I never got to say it to you, but I really love you alot. I am sorry I couldn't support you when I should have and I am so so so sorry. All my secrets are now buried with you and I miss you, I miss you so so much please come back. I feel so alone without you being around please ..... we'll go drink coffee, we will break rules and I promise I won't stop you please just come back I need you. Well I guess, I am not much for goodbyes and all but if I'm honest, you did make this world a little bearable and I will always remember you. I guess this is it, I hope you're proud of me for putting my feelings into words, I still hate you, but I think I love you more. Have a peaceful sleep, my friend. I will cherish you, always xoxo

~yours truly,

<3