a letter you'll never send...

Hey... There are some things I want to tell you... First of all, all those the small things you missed - you would love the new Ozzy's cd, and all those true crime docuseries! It's a huge thing now, you would be thrilled! More important - I want to tell you I forgive you for those bad last years. I am on the same dark place sometimes as you were and I get all of it better now. It's too late though... I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you. It's been years, but I still miss you very much. 🖤

Dear Billing, I know you are trying to be a bully to me and trying to intimidate me at work. But you are 53 and you should really act your age. By getting others at work to join you to bully me is low. Just so you know. My team and higher ups like me and the work that I do. I’m not going to give you the pleasure to make me feel horrible even thought sometimes it does get to me.

I lied... I know I said that I I didn't want to and couldn't but, to be honest it's all I've wanted for the past 3 years. I keep running through things I want to tell you, in my head, ways I could make you understand. But when the moment comes I run and hide like the coward I am. I wish I was brave and strong, I wish I wasn't such a liar,I wish I could be be honest with you about everything, I wish I had the courage to tell you how I feel. I hate loving you, I hate how weak it makes me feel,I hate how fragile I am around you,I hate needing you, I hate having you as my first and last thought,how every breath is harder to take without out you... I love everything that you are,and everything I am around you, I love your light and how you always seem to know what to say and do on my darkest days. ***still looking for my conclusion From... your friend

To my mum up in heaven I miss you, I know you were in so much pain but I never got to say goodbye and tell you I love you one last time, I wanted to be by your side when you took your last breath, I know your with your mum and sisters now, I feel you around me all the time and I know you knew I loved you, I’m so angry that you were taken but not at you, you were my best friend my rock, now that rock has gone and I’m falling again, I’m screwing up so much but I am trying mum to be better even with out you but it’s so draining and the hurt isn’t getting better, I’ve got a job interview tomorrow for what I’ve been waiting for mum, a chance to help and I hope you’ll be proud of me, goodbye mum love you sleep tight I will never forget you, everything is awesome lol xxxx

Dear younger me, You couldn’t have known your family wasn’t like everyone else’s. You didn’t understand the words abuse and neglect. You were just trying to survive, using a child’s set of tools. So, when you grow up, don’t further punish the child for mistakes made. Forgive yourself, like you excused them.

To the love of my life, I know you don’t understand me. How can you when I don’t even understand myself. Since the abortion 13 years ago I lost who I was. I’ve never been the same. You don’t know how much it has affected my life. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it for you. I know that I am not good enough to have your child, but the other woman was. Why wasn’t I good enough? And now we are back together, and you say you love me, but I am still not good enough. I don’t tell you my true thoughts and feelings, and I don’t open up to you because if I did, you would run. I don’t want to lose you again. That’s why I don’t talk to you about this. I feel so empty.

@EmmaE I love this idea! All you emotions in one place! 💗

Hey young me, you'd probably not like who we've become, but I'm really trying. I'm sorry I've lost my motivation and determination, I'm sorry I'm not the sunshine I thought I'd always be. I'm sorry getting out of bed is a struggle, I'm sorry I don't really feel like doing things ever. I'm sorry I never put myself first, I'm sorry I can't be vulnerable or cry infront of others. I'm sorry I can't tell anyone how I feel because I feel like they'd laugh and leave. I've let you down and I'm so sorry I haven't told anyone how we feel. I try to open my mouth, but the words just can't come out. Finally, I'm sorry itll never get better. Sure, itll get better, but it will always get worse again. I wish I could be better for you, but i guess I can't.

@EmmaE It is an awesome idea but I could not access it help me please

*Just letting out thoughts* Is this a dream, it can't be real. Sometimes I stare into the mirror unsure if who I see is me. I'm trying to reflect on my reality, and sometimes it isn't what it seems. Who have I become, what's there to show for? No one remembers who I was beforehand, not even me. Just an empty shell where I use to be. Never amounting to anything.. No more emotion, just autonomously programed to eat, sleep, sh*t & repeat. Idk what else to say..